Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
Today was my aunt's funeral.I ended up not going.I had written a letter in memory of my aunt and gave it to my cousin yesterday when I went and saw her and my other cousin and uncle.I found out from my mom after I did not go to my aunt's funeral the family had wanted me to read my letter in front of everyone at the funeral.Last night I had a horrible night were I was not able to sleep and was feeling sick so when it came time for me to wake up to go to the funeral I felt so horrible I decided not to go.After my mom got snotty with me for not going to the funeral I left her house and got in the car and cried.I wanted to go and be there so badly for my uncle and two cousins.I feel horrible I was not there for them or to read the letter about all my good memories about my aunt.I just feel so angry with myself and all my illness right now.And angry with myself for not going.Right now I am just really sad and tired.And feel like a failure for not going to the funeral.It makes me wonder how I am going to ever be able to handle working at a job if I put in a bad night do I just not go to work.I feel weak and pathedic.Like my post says just tired.Tired of feeling like I am wasting my time to try and better my life.And tired of being critcized for everything it seems.Sometimes I wonder why even keep trying.If it is even worth it.
Please, please try to drown out the criticisms and negative voices (from your relatives and yourself) with affirmations and forgiving thoughts. Everyone needs to grieve in her own way. It is not outrageous that you had a rough night around the funeral! And yes, for those of us struggling with mental health issues in the first place, acute emotional experiences like funerals can be especially difficult. it seems to me that you were there in spirit, in the form of your letter. You were. I know nothing about your mother, but I'm going give the benefit of the doubt and suggest that her abrasive response to you might be due to her own difficulties in handling grief/emotions around your aunt's death. Please don't personalize it too much. Even if it feels like a repeat of many previous episodes. A bad night before a day on the job is different. And we do all need baby steps with that as well.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. the self-loathing contributes to feeling deflated. I know this full well, as my status indicates!!
Think of your achievements, don't give up.