well, the fact that you're not frightened may feel nice/comforting for the time being, but typically a heightened mood is considered to be a bad thing. you never know where it might lead.and having thoughts of suicide is never a good thing, especially if the thoughts don't scare you. that means you are more likely to actually follow through with these thoughts than if you were depressed and terrified by your thoughts. i hope this makes sense. but i know i hate being in heightened moods. they often scare me more than just being down/depressed. plus, my heightened moods tend to be accompanied by agitation, which is never fun. anyhow, all this to say, i hope you talk to your therapist or some about this, so that you can get it sorted out, or maybe tweak your meds (if you are currently taking any). that could really help. :) also, let me know if you need some support or someone to talk to. i'm here for you. :)

Agitation definately! I flipped at one of the staff nurses yesterday and yet I NEVER show my anger.

Seeing my therpaist today so will try to talk to him. Just feel weird saying I still think this way yet sitting there looking and acting so much better.

x-Bliss-x

Saw my therapist.

Whether he got it or not I don't know. He didn't respond to it at all. There wasn't a conversation about it or anything.
I left the session feeling completely...I don't even know how to describe it.
All the way home I held everything in. As soon as I walked through the door I just burst into tears.

So I'm not scared of suicide or self harm anymore? Then why this reaction? I still feel like I couldn't give a damn. I WANT to die...especially now! So why did him not reacting to what I told him upset me so much.

Oh I forgot. It's because I'M FUCKED IN THE HEAD!!!

wow, that's really disheartening that your therapist didn't say anything. i hate it when professionals don't do their job properly, especially in a field involving people and psych matters.

anyhow, i just went and looked at your profile, and saw what might be the matter. you are currently switching from depakote to lamictal, and are on two anti-depressants. lamictal is in most cases considered a mood stabilizer, but in my case, and in other cases it can send people through the roof. it makes me jittery and manicy, where as depakote actually calms me down big time - to the point of depression. but yeah, you are also on remeron and celexa, which can cause mania in people who don't even have bipolar disorder. soooo since your therapist didn't pay much attention to what is going on, maybe you should flat out address this with him. it might be your medication inducing your elevated, agitated mood.

in any case, let me know if i can be of any help. like if you just need someone to talk or vent to. i'm here for you. :) i definitely can relate to what/how you are feeling right now. it happens to me a lot!!!

ps - have you ever tried trileptal??? i replaced lamicta,l and depakote with it, and it'd been a godsend. i'm not starving and depressed all the time like depakote made me, and i'm not jittery manic like lamictal made me! :( i'm also on cymbalta, seroquel, and lyrica. but yeah...

No I haven't.

I've only tried Citalopram, Depakote, Fluoxetine, Mirtazapine and Lamotrigine.

And yet...the people who are dealing with my case at the moment are saying that having tried ALL these meds and not getting any symptom relief MUST mean it can't be controlled by drugs.

They are refusing to change my medication or increase.

x-Bliss-x

wow, i completely disagree with them. i have hard time with a lot of drugs (i have literally tried them all). most of them make my predicament worse. however, there a few that help, especially in combo with one another. alone, they aren't very effective. bipolar individuals usually require at least a combo of a few drugs in most cases... is there a way you could seek treatment somewhere else. i want to go punch whomever you are dealing with/seeing now.

It because they are the only eating disorder service in the area. Which isn't local to begin with. I'm stuck with them :(

x-Bliss-x

is it possible that you could maybe stay with them for your eating disorder issues, but visit another professional regarding your bipolar and bpd issues? from my experience with ED professionals, they like to take a cookie cutter approach with most patients. if you don't respond well to celexa, then you are hopeless in their mind (or it's like they blame it on you), but if they'd only open their eyes to the million other (aside from depression/anxiety) disorders that tend to be co-morbid with EDs, they'd really be able to help save a lot more lives...

you'll find that most people (just on this site alone) have spent many years on the trial and error process with drugs before finding the ones that actually work for them. so it galls me that they could tell you you are treatment resistant after only giving you 3 or 4 to try.

Yeah I can see what you mean and I've felt like this for a long time.
I don't know, I just find it hard gaining trust and the thought of having to go through EVERYTHING again with yet another load of professionals is just so overwhelming.
I suppose if they are able to give me the help I need in the long run it's the best option though.
Thanks.

x-Bliss-x