Personality Disorders Support Group

Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.

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ponygirl74 04/10/2009

I have no idea what started it. As stated I'm not in a good place. Last night I was contplating suscidal thoughts WITH a plan. And a back up. Not good. I feel so worthless. That other people know who they are at my age. I'm 34 and have no clue who I am. I want to know. And all my empty notheness feelings. I was like this as long as I cam remember which is around 4 years old, when I started school.( my mother was forced to put me in early) That's when the darkness started. Around 7 the detalted violent nightmares. I have no peace when I' awake or asleep. I feel intensley and they come in bunches. I want to be someone, belong somewere. My family doesn't want me, the only family who did care passed away in 1991 around Christmas. I wish it was me, It should of been me. My Aunt was more needed and love more then I. Not much is mor horrable when people tell you how not good you are, that you are not good in anything and tell you that they want ypu not to be you. Oh youe brother is better si is the child acroos the street, around the block, the next city, across the country, and around the world.(that's hoe I feel) That my father never wanted me and thinks that I'm someone elses child. All my life I was someones punching bag, emotuonally and phyically. I wonder if I shoul let the darkness consume me. The light is getting dim and why should I try to be something I'm not? Maybe their right, maybe I need to be locked up in an instation away from the rest of the world, that I have no worth. They (profationals) said this would light up as a borderling gets older. It hasn't. When will it end. I really hate life, I allways did. What's the point in iy all?

deleted_user 04/10/2009

I've been right where you are, many times. To be completely honest...I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what pulled me out the times I've been that low. I can though tell you one thing I have learned. I try hard every day to ignore the negativity towards me from the people I want so badly to be loved by. When I do manage to ignore their nonsense and remind myself that they just don't understand, I really do feel a little better some days. Being alone is hard, especially for us Borderlines, BUT it is SO very important to discover ourselves and try, if it all possible, to be okay alone. It's terrifying. I've just recently started a long journey toward self-acceptance and self-love. It's a fight but so far, it has been worth it. This is probably pretty rambly and random, sorry. Just know that you are not alone. The world needs you. You need you. Good luck. Please talk to someone as soon as possible about the suicidal thinking and planning. It is not the best way out. Love and HUGS.

deleted_user 04/13/2009

Hey ponygirl, I'm so sorry to read how down you've been. Are you still just as down or have things gotten a little better? I know that relief seems to only be a possibility in the event of just ending it all but as you have probably experienced yourself these feelings come and go in severity over time. I don't really have advice because I know how misserable those feelings can be but You are a human being with worth. I know when I feel hopeless and like I wish I could just drive off a cliff I remember my children. I will never do that to them. Do you have anything that you can focus on that will help you make it through these times? My only suggestion is that you distance yourself from people who talk down to you and belittle you. Nobody needs that. I'd like to hear how your doing :)

ponygirl74 04/13/2009

Thanks lamb3 and me433. I'm doing better, I got through the holiday. Not happy but not that really dark feeling. Acept for a few friends no many things keep me alive. I reallt whished I had people who cared. I was raped 9 years ago and was told(not in theses words) that I was a whore because I had in intimaie relaship with ONE person. Mind you the person who said this slept with more them one man(she's married now) I'm contacting the NAMI chapter(Natiomal Allence fit the Mentall Ill) to see if there any Borderline help groups in my aeria. I need someome to talk to when I feel this way. Thanks for responding.

deleted_user 04/13/2009

Hey my love.... I know just how you feel.. a lot of times im in ur shoes.. my family doesnt care either.. my sister is a hair dresser whos so pretty and has herself together and shes only 21. My younger brother whos 16 is doing better in school than I could of only dreamed of doing and i get that put in my face all the time.. I dont know if my parents know they are doing that or not and im to ashamed to say anything becuase what if its all in my head.. i have tryed to tell them other things and they just looked at me funny.. and said i was wrong.. but in my eyes its real.
identity... im not sure who I am either. I have went to school and dropped out one to many times because i felt like i didnt fit in. im able to hang out with just anyone because i dont know who i am either.. i can make myself fit to hang out with anyone.. from drug people to high class people within mins. its crazy i know..

I really dont know what to tell you.. other than ur not alone I know just how you are feeling.. I wish i could say something to make u feel better.... lots of lve

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