Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
A big reason for me not slipping back into old ways is that I have a wonderful boyfriend who wants to spend the rest of his life with me and raise a family.
I really wanted this too. But recently I've been thinking about this more and more. Do I?
In the whole lighthearted and fluffyness of the thought of buying baby clothes and playing with your little toddlers with their toys, yes. But this is in no way a realistic way to think when considering having children.
I know I will have the support of my boyfriend but will it really be enough? When he's at work and I'm looking after a baby? It scares me. I just don't think I'm ever going to be stable enough, and therefore 'safe' enough to bring up a child. I've NEVER EVER physically turned against another person and I don't think I ever would. But would it be safe for me? How do I know I wouldn't completely break down one day when the baby wont stop crying, decide it's too hard to cope with and just go ahead and kill myself? I can be very impulsive and I've noticed that in the last year or so, since giving up my behaviours, my anger has increased massively and therefore so has my reactions to this. Having children is probably the most stressful thing you can do and with BPD it's even harder!
I've not talked about this with my boyfriend. I'm scared to. Having children is extremely important to him. If I say I don't think it's a good idea, I don't know what he'll do. I'm terrified he will leave me. BUT, it's not really fair to keep him thinking that I'm fine with the idea of having children either. I also think it's likely he'll say something along the lines of, well maybe it's not the right time at the moment but we could in the furture. In which case i'm keeping him dangling even longer. I've always said I've wanted children and I did, but now when I think of the future and when it would bring, I just don't think I could deal with it. I really don't know what to do or how to go about this.
So now when think of this as a reason NOT to go back to self harm or my eating disorder, it quickly stresses me out and becomes a reason TO go back to it. If I'm ill again I can't have children. It would also help me deal with the horrendous amount of guilt I'm going to feel if I talk to him about this.
Ahhh this is stressing me out so much! I really need help and advice!
I really wanted this too. But recently I've been thinking about this more and more. Do I?
In the whole lighthearted and fluffyness of the thought of buying baby clothes and playing with your little toddlers with their toys, yes. But this is in no way a realistic way to think when considering having children.
I know I will have the support of my boyfriend but will it really be enough? When he's at work and I'm looking after a baby? It scares me. I just don't think I'm ever going to be stable enough, and therefore 'safe' enough to bring up a child. I've NEVER EVER physically turned against another person and I don't think I ever would. But would it be safe for me? How do I know I wouldn't completely break down one day when the baby wont stop crying, decide it's too hard to cope with and just go ahead and kill myself? I can be very impulsive and I've noticed that in the last year or so, since giving up my behaviours, my anger has increased massively and therefore so has my reactions to this. Having children is probably the most stressful thing you can do and with BPD it's even harder!
I've not talked about this with my boyfriend. I'm scared to. Having children is extremely important to him. If I say I don't think it's a good idea, I don't know what he'll do. I'm terrified he will leave me. BUT, it's not really fair to keep him thinking that I'm fine with the idea of having children either. I also think it's likely he'll say something along the lines of, well maybe it's not the right time at the moment but we could in the furture. In which case i'm keeping him dangling even longer. I've always said I've wanted children and I did, but now when I think of the future and when it would bring, I just don't think I could deal with it. I really don't know what to do or how to go about this.
So now when think of this as a reason NOT to go back to self harm or my eating disorder, it quickly stresses me out and becomes a reason TO go back to it. If I'm ill again I can't have children. It would also help me deal with the horrendous amount of guilt I'm going to feel if I talk to him about this.
Ahhh this is stressing me out so much! I really need help and advice!
2. Be careful about medications. If you need to quit a med, make sure that the support base is in place.
3. A word about churches or ANY place of worship--If you do attend church make sure that you go to a church that is supportive with MENTALLY HEALTHY people in it. AVOID churches that do not teach love and tolerance. Avoid churches where people are overtly legalistic and controlling. During the time of pregnancy, vulnerability can be strong. Make sure to find a church that is okay with women and where they give hugs and proper support and NOT weirdness. This is paramount. It is okay to believe in God but just be careful. When I was pregnant, I almost got involved with one cult and with another highly legalistic church. This is why I am so adamant (stubborn) about this.
4. Get strategic about care. When you have the baby, make a plan to where everything will be and find a main place in the house that is near the phone, near to where the bathroom is and a place that is easy to care for the baby.
When my husband worked at Nissan, I had to be alone. We lived in a trailer. I placed a blanket on the floor with a wastebasket on one side, clean diapers and a cleaning station on one side for the pee and poop, etc and another place for the bottles or whatever. I placed the blanket in the middle of the trailer to be in between the bathroom and the kitchen. I also had my HUSBAND AND MY SISTER ON SPEED-DIAL. I had a lady down the street also to help.
5., Nutrition-Try to eat well.
I know that there are good baby books.
http://www.google.com/search?q=baby+books+for+pregnant+mothers&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-Address&ie=&oe=&safe=active#q=baby+books+for+pregnant+mothers&safe=active&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-Address&source=univ&tbm=shop&tbo=u&sa=X&ei=QnGKUdKhNITq9ATU4oGYDw&ved=0CEcQsxg&bav=on.2,or.r_qf.&bvm=bv.46226182,d.eWU&fp=26ea8397f3d91c32&biw=1280&bih=840
There are other books to assist you for when you feel blue or distressed:
Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie
"The Penny" by Joyce Meyer
"Anatomy of the Spirit" by Carolyn Myss
Sorry.
I left the group.
I dont actually see a therapist at the moment which isn't very helpful. Guess that's why I've asked for advice here.
You have your mind in the right place. You are wise. You should think of such things as potential breakdowns. They do happen.
Also, you should know that a mental health record can put you in danger of being visited by child services. In some states, a mental health record is grounds for termination of parental rights, no questions asked and no evals to make current determinations either. A child must have stability and if you are worried about this now, I do think that you should decided if it is a tolerable risk versus intolerable. Having a child always does invovle risk. Lots of moms suffere from Post Partum depression and never expected this.
If this is a tolerable risk, then talk to family members. Do you have close members you can call at the drop of a hat? Are they nearby? If so, that is huge and can bridge the gap between making a safe versus unsafe environment for a child.
After you decide whether you have support and whether your having a baby is tolerable risk wise or not, then tell him what you have decided.
Another thing I noticed about borderline tendencies and a baby is that the baby is part of you and your boyfriend. you may not want to trust others as friends but a baby is on your side. they won't run away. it is quite stablizing for me actually. i can say....my friends and I aren't always doing well, and I fought with someone at work, but overall, my baby still wants to see me. it great. it keeps me wanting to try to do my best at work and all around.
I do things the right way because of her...for her.
no it is not right to use a baby as therapy but it often kicks you into gear and on the right path.
i do NOt have an official borderline diagnosis, so if i am off base, someone please let me know, but this is what I have found