Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
I had a complete break down yesterday. I dont know where it came from. I don't know what my real feelings are anymore. It feels like the last 6 months has been a lie. I've managed to convince everyone around me that I'm doing well, even to myself at times, and yesterday I just cracked. I feel so alone right now.
How can I tell what was real? Was I just masking all these feelings again or was I really doing ok this time? I spent 5 hours on the bathroom floor crying last night just going over and over what had happened. Slowly things started to make a bit of sense.
I posted the other day about contacting my therapist and on another forum, I was asked why on earth I would want to do this. But when I thought about it, I didn't really have a clue. I just knew I needed to contact him. Even if it was to spin him another load of "I'm doing well on my own" crap. I just needed the contact.
It wasn't until my reflections on the bathroom floor last night that I think I realised why. For the past 6 months I've been telling everyone how well I'm doing, that I want to move on with my life ect ect. But underneath, I knew things wern't right. But I carried on. I did the whole 'positive thinking' thing. People have said if you really believe in it, you'll get better. I say bollocks to that now because bloody hell I tried! And yet again I'm back here in this dark place, only this time, I have no one to guide me back out. I wanted contact with my therapist because I knew that he was the only one who actually 'KNEW' what goes on in my head at times. I've never been able to be as open as I was with him.
So yeah. I thought about so many other things last night and I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to find reasons to stay on this earth and keep going, but I'm just coming with more reasons not to. I dont think I could handle this all over again. And this is what BPD does. It's a cycle that repeats and lets face it, by the looks of things, this bastard is never going to go away. So maybe I should.
How can I tell what was real? Was I just masking all these feelings again or was I really doing ok this time? I spent 5 hours on the bathroom floor crying last night just going over and over what had happened. Slowly things started to make a bit of sense.
I posted the other day about contacting my therapist and on another forum, I was asked why on earth I would want to do this. But when I thought about it, I didn't really have a clue. I just knew I needed to contact him. Even if it was to spin him another load of "I'm doing well on my own" crap. I just needed the contact.
It wasn't until my reflections on the bathroom floor last night that I think I realised why. For the past 6 months I've been telling everyone how well I'm doing, that I want to move on with my life ect ect. But underneath, I knew things wern't right. But I carried on. I did the whole 'positive thinking' thing. People have said if you really believe in it, you'll get better. I say bollocks to that now because bloody hell I tried! And yet again I'm back here in this dark place, only this time, I have no one to guide me back out. I wanted contact with my therapist because I knew that he was the only one who actually 'KNEW' what goes on in my head at times. I've never been able to be as open as I was with him.
So yeah. I thought about so many other things last night and I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to find reasons to stay on this earth and keep going, but I'm just coming with more reasons not to. I dont think I could handle this all over again. And this is what BPD does. It's a cycle that repeats and lets face it, by the looks of things, this bastard is never going to go away. So maybe I should.
Taking long walks helps me. I just walked two miles and back in my workplace just to get some anger out.
Borderline is a difficult condition to deal with. You remember all that stuff from when you were a child and then people think that you have an attitude even when you don't.
I'd say keeping a few close, good friends of high quality is key. A second thing is to keep theraputic tapes around--whether it is meditation music, or the Bhavagad Gita, or a Beth Moore study (or a male Bible study if you are male)......whatever works. Recorded books in general are GREAT to listen to you.
Quite a few folks in the forums do crafts as well.
YOU ARE HURTING. I just went through two episodes at work today.
IfI can make it, so can.. Please. It is worth it.
JUST REMEMBER--YOU DESERVE TO SEE THE SUNSHINE JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Correction" -to listen to
Sorry
For me, my home therapy has come in the form of music.
I had to listen to this one song six times before I even had the desire to want to stay strong, but the song helped. So now when I am bothered for whatever reason I turn to my music.
I would dedicate a song to you, but I don't know what kind of music you like.
You feel the same, you "can't handle this", you "can't go through this again".
So, what CAN you do to feel better so that you can handle this and get through it? You've seen therapist that gave you the tools to get through hard times...you told us about him already. What did he teach you?