You are a very strong person. A few years ago I took myself to the hospital after losing my job also. I was in the same condition as you. I wanted to die, did not care about anything. I was exhausted, drinking too much and not eating. My mind was on an endless loop replaying the same thing over and over, conversations, events, images They formed me which upset me to lose control of my basic rights. Anyway, they adjusted my meds, and after a few days I felt safe there. It turned out to be the best thing I ever did. The day I was let out to go home I was so scared. I actually wanted to stay because I felt so safe. Today I am doing better and I have not been back. I know if things get bad, I have a safe place to go and that is some how comforting to me.
I have PTSD and OCPD.
Relax and let it happen, they will help you, but only if you let them.
Peace to you

Thanks, ptsdone and CrazyCanuk. I don't feel strong today. I was always the one who was the rock when my loved ones were going through tough times. I feel so afraid of the future and at my age don't know what to do. I think I am burned out in the field I was working in. Now if I could just figure out what to do after I get treatment. I suffer from OCPD, too. I never dreamed depression could be so debilitating. I wasn't one to judge people going through it. I wasn't walking in their shoes after all. Thanks for the kind words.

like you I was the rock and never dreamed I would be hospitalized. Hang in there, it does rock you to your core, but you will come out of this a stronger and better person. Trust me. You did the right thing going to the hospital and getting help. That takes courage and that tells me you are strong. It will take a bit of time to get your confidence back. Maybe you could go back to school when you get out. That is what I did and getting good marks really boosted my confidence, it also forced me out of the house can to interact with people in a safe and secure environment before I went back into the workforce. I was 50 when I went back to school.
Right there with you and I know you can do this. For now, relax and be honest with the doctors. If you are honest they can help you and you will feel so much better.

Thank you CrazyCanuk,

I've thought about going back to school. I'll have time to think about what it is I'd like to do. I was always interested in archaeology, palentology and astronomy, not necessarily in that order. Thanks again for your encouragement. I'm not in a good place and can't see the forest through the trees. Forward, always forward. Peace to you and yours and much success.

hey how are you doing?

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you are safe.

Maybe the OP is in the ward...?

It's a clich, but I've found when I was the farthest down is when I could learn and change the most. It really is the biggest opportunity you'll get in life. That shift in perspective can help a lot.

Hugs.