Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi all
I'm new here. Just starting to find some other people who can relate to what we are going through.
We found out 9 months ago that our son had sexually, physically, emotionally and verbally abused our two beautiful daughters for years. He was 10 or 11 when it began, they were around 5 or 6. Needless to say, we are shattered. Our son left home coincidentally the week our youngest daughter disclosed, which worked out well or I would have completely lost it with him. I have not seen him or spoken to him since the night he left. I just can't get past all the turmoil I feel about him. Maybe with everything else I am dealing with it's not important at this point.
We only let him know him in December when we took out an order to give our family protection that we knew what he had done. He had made so many threats against the girls and been physically abusive we had to do something. We were concerned that he would act on his threats. As it turned out he has denied nothing we have said and seems to show genuine remorse and guilt. He was suicidal the day he found out we knew. He knew when he was 15 that what he was doing was wrong and out of control and promised himself it would stop. Well, it took a while for the sexual abuse to stop, but not the other forms. He continued with those till the day he left. The sexual abuse was extreme and frequent. I blame myself big time for not noticing that something was so wrong. I blame myself that he even started as he and I had a very rocky relationship (he is on the autistic spectrum and I have a history of abuse myself).
My dilemma is my conflicting emotions. Part of me still wants to nurture him and desire the best for him, to see him succeed in life. There is such a gaping would in my life that I'm not sure will ever heal. I hate what this has done to our family. I hate the consequences we live with each day as we struggle to rebuild shattered lives. We are all in counselling and the counsellors are brilliant. I'm not sure what help our son is getting. How do you resolve the opposing emotions and thoughts you have when it's your own child who has committed such a hideous crime? I don't think that I could ever bring myself to face him. I can't see a relationship with him being possible. For now I have all but disowned him. It is dh who keeps contact with him and helps him out with a few basics in life. I have to constantly bury any feelings of motherly tenderness towards him.
Anybody out there relate to this and come out the other end, if there is such a thing?
I'm new here. Just starting to find some other people who can relate to what we are going through.
We found out 9 months ago that our son had sexually, physically, emotionally and verbally abused our two beautiful daughters for years. He was 10 or 11 when it began, they were around 5 or 6. Needless to say, we are shattered. Our son left home coincidentally the week our youngest daughter disclosed, which worked out well or I would have completely lost it with him. I have not seen him or spoken to him since the night he left. I just can't get past all the turmoil I feel about him. Maybe with everything else I am dealing with it's not important at this point.
We only let him know him in December when we took out an order to give our family protection that we knew what he had done. He had made so many threats against the girls and been physically abusive we had to do something. We were concerned that he would act on his threats. As it turned out he has denied nothing we have said and seems to show genuine remorse and guilt. He was suicidal the day he found out we knew. He knew when he was 15 that what he was doing was wrong and out of control and promised himself it would stop. Well, it took a while for the sexual abuse to stop, but not the other forms. He continued with those till the day he left. The sexual abuse was extreme and frequent. I blame myself big time for not noticing that something was so wrong. I blame myself that he even started as he and I had a very rocky relationship (he is on the autistic spectrum and I have a history of abuse myself).
My dilemma is my conflicting emotions. Part of me still wants to nurture him and desire the best for him, to see him succeed in life. There is such a gaping would in my life that I'm not sure will ever heal. I hate what this has done to our family. I hate the consequences we live with each day as we struggle to rebuild shattered lives. We are all in counselling and the counsellors are brilliant. I'm not sure what help our son is getting. How do you resolve the opposing emotions and thoughts you have when it's your own child who has committed such a hideous crime? I don't think that I could ever bring myself to face him. I can't see a relationship with him being possible. For now I have all but disowned him. It is dh who keeps contact with him and helps him out with a few basics in life. I have to constantly bury any feelings of motherly tenderness towards him.
Anybody out there relate to this and come out the other end, if there is such a thing?
My counsellor is really good, but ultimately it is I who has to buy into the thinking, as she keeps telling me. You can lead a horse to water …….
There were some pretty bad influences in our son's life at the time he began, but we didn't know. We suspect that the and his friend were accessing all sorts of things on the internet. Both of them were computer savvy enough to cover their tracks, particularly our son.
ptsdone, I can relate to the compassion coming and going. Last night I had such a mix of feelings towards him and I had to stop processing things or I was going to be physically sick. At least my counsellor has given me some strategies to help with regrouping, grounding myself and staying safe. It can be hard to implement in the heat of the moment.
It sounds as tho your son is not this obviously afflicted w Autism - but did you ever consider tho that his problem (maybe multifactorial) stems at least in part to his social inadequacies related to Autism?
And yup - your SIL soooooo unfit for her job because she is ignorant to a parents suffering and perceived loss of an ill child such as a child w Autism. Feelings of loss not to be confused w love. Having a child that is sick w a condition like Autism as moms we perceive a little loss like a bit of a death inside. On top of that are the struggles and frustrations of a child who just can't get it and you have to stress and rack your brains constantly wondering how to support your child. Ozmum62, you have already died a thousand little deaths inside and now you have this elephant on your chest. And now you are dying more losses inside because your other child was once well, isn't anymore as a result of trauma.
What I can relate to you with is this.
My life was VERY complicated in the years before my daughters disclosure. Struggled w husbands infertility (hmmm, never saw it as a warning). My nasty disdainful in laws - MIL gifted me a brick for my bday n husband told me not to look gift horse in the mouth (hmmmm). SIL called CPS n identified herself as me n she made a complaint against herself to make it look like I was harassing her (hmmmm). In laws made her teacher of vacation bible school in their church (hmmm). Husband had porn problem failed counseling (hmmm). Husband got st IIIc colon cancer (I saved his life - ugh - and passionately out of love). Daughter w behavior problems (hmmmmm).
My point is in laying out these complications to you is just this. I could look back on my life and cry whyyyy meee? I could pity myself. I could let it all build and be very depressed. I could blame myself (and I do a bit I won't lie - but I don't wallow in guilt).
But I don't do those things. In fact, right now I'm
Glad God put me through each of those struggles along the way because I enter this battle a lot more fearless than I otherwise would have. So you can allow your past struggles to eat yourself alive and depress you all the more right now, or you can embrace the adversity in your life that you have conquered and know that this too is something you can fight too. You can look at your own past CSA and blame yourself for not seeing it in your kids sooner - or you can use your past CSA as a guide to help your daughter heal. For I have no past experience in this and have relied on others on this board to help me understand more the support my children are wanting and to explain some of my children's actions.
In a way some truly horrible events in each of our lives can be viewed as either smth to tear us apart or as smth to help us build and keep strong and give us insight.