Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi all
I'm new here. Just starting to find some other people who can relate to what we are going through.
We found out 9 months ago that our son had sexually, physically, emotionally and verbally abused our two beautiful daughters for years. He was 10 or 11 when it began, they were around 5 or 6. Needless to say, we are shattered. Our son left home coincidentally the week our youngest daughter disclosed, which worked out well or I would have completely lost it with him. I have not seen him or spoken to him since the night he left. I just can't get past all the turmoil I feel about him. Maybe with everything else I am dealing with it's not important at this point.
We only let him know him in December when we took out an order to give our family protection that we knew what he had done. He had made so many threats against the girls and been physically abusive we had to do something. We were concerned that he would act on his threats. As it turned out he has denied nothing we have said and seems to show genuine remorse and guilt. He was suicidal the day he found out we knew. He knew when he was 15 that what he was doing was wrong and out of control and promised himself it would stop. Well, it took a while for the sexual abuse to stop, but not the other forms. He continued with those till the day he left. The sexual abuse was extreme and frequent. I blame myself big time for not noticing that something was so wrong. I blame myself that he even started as he and I had a very rocky relationship (he is on the autistic spectrum and I have a history of abuse myself).
My dilemma is my conflicting emotions. Part of me still wants to nurture him and desire the best for him, to see him succeed in life. There is such a gaping would in my life that I'm not sure will ever heal. I hate what this has done to our family. I hate the consequences we live with each day as we struggle to rebuild shattered lives. We are all in counselling and the counsellors are brilliant. I'm not sure what help our son is getting. How do you resolve the opposing emotions and thoughts you have when it's your own child who has committed such a hideous crime? I don't think that I could ever bring myself to face him. I can't see a relationship with him being possible. For now I have all but disowned him. It is dh who keeps contact with him and helps him out with a few basics in life. I have to constantly bury any feelings of motherly tenderness towards him.
Anybody out there relate to this and come out the other end, if there is such a thing?
I'm new here. Just starting to find some other people who can relate to what we are going through.
We found out 9 months ago that our son had sexually, physically, emotionally and verbally abused our two beautiful daughters for years. He was 10 or 11 when it began, they were around 5 or 6. Needless to say, we are shattered. Our son left home coincidentally the week our youngest daughter disclosed, which worked out well or I would have completely lost it with him. I have not seen him or spoken to him since the night he left. I just can't get past all the turmoil I feel about him. Maybe with everything else I am dealing with it's not important at this point.
We only let him know him in December when we took out an order to give our family protection that we knew what he had done. He had made so many threats against the girls and been physically abusive we had to do something. We were concerned that he would act on his threats. As it turned out he has denied nothing we have said and seems to show genuine remorse and guilt. He was suicidal the day he found out we knew. He knew when he was 15 that what he was doing was wrong and out of control and promised himself it would stop. Well, it took a while for the sexual abuse to stop, but not the other forms. He continued with those till the day he left. The sexual abuse was extreme and frequent. I blame myself big time for not noticing that something was so wrong. I blame myself that he even started as he and I had a very rocky relationship (he is on the autistic spectrum and I have a history of abuse myself).
My dilemma is my conflicting emotions. Part of me still wants to nurture him and desire the best for him, to see him succeed in life. There is such a gaping would in my life that I'm not sure will ever heal. I hate what this has done to our family. I hate the consequences we live with each day as we struggle to rebuild shattered lives. We are all in counselling and the counsellors are brilliant. I'm not sure what help our son is getting. How do you resolve the opposing emotions and thoughts you have when it's your own child who has committed such a hideous crime? I don't think that I could ever bring myself to face him. I can't see a relationship with him being possible. For now I have all but disowned him. It is dh who keeps contact with him and helps him out with a few basics in life. I have to constantly bury any feelings of motherly tenderness towards him.
Anybody out there relate to this and come out the other end, if there is such a thing?
I want to tell you how sorry I am that this has happened in your family. There are no words that will make any of this okay. It isn't and it never will be. Incest is like a bomb going off in the middle of your family. I can't think of anything more devastating than this. At times it felt like it would have been easier to lose our son to death vs losing him to such painful circumstances.
This was our story as well. Our son raped and molested his youngest sister when he was 12 and she was 4. She kept her secret for 14 years. Our adult son was already out of the house and on his own when she disclosed. I don't know how your daughters are coping but our daughter had been in counseling because she was cutting, was deeply depressed and was diagnosed with Post traumatic stress and social anxiety. She had a suicide attempt 10 days before she finally told her 2 older sisters and then us. She then spent time in a mental hospital, which was the beginning on a long road of healing for her and us.
I have felt what you have felt and it was the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I am also a survivor of child sexual abuse myself, went into counseling at the age of 29 and believed that I could keep my son and 3 daughters safe. As difficult as it was to hear that I had been unable to protect my baby from abuse it was even more devastating that the abuser was someone that we all loved and trusted. Unless someone has experienced this in their family they have no idea the hell it is.
My husband and I were very devastated but knew from my own experience with sexual abuse what needed to be done to protect and heal our family. It was then that we made the most difficult decisions we would ever make as parents. We immediately cut all contact with our adult son. Our daughter's life was in danger and we knew that she would be unable to heal if there was continued contact with our son. We encouraged our son to get counseling, which he did. He showed little remorse. And wondered why we were so upset about something that had happened years ago. His thoughts were more about how this would affect his life vs the pain that his little sister was experiencing. I have not spoken or seen him in over 2 years. He has now married and moved out of state. My husband , myself and our 3 daughters do not want a relationship with him. For our family this was the only sane choice that we could make. None of us regret it. It saved my daughter's life. Our daughter is now thriving-going to college and working. She finally sees herself as having a future.
This is how we know that we made the right decision for our family. I wish that my son didn't make the decisions that he did or react the way he did. I believe that he is probably a sociopath.
None of this is your fault. Nothing excuses this type of behavior. I hope that your son will get some counseling. There is something terribly wrong with your son and you have done the right thing to protect your girls. If he had been caught at the age of 15 he probably would have been prosecuted and taken out of your home. I don't know what the laws are where you live but where we live you can not prosecute an adult for things they did as a juvenile. At the least keep your girls away from him. He may always pose a danger to them. Only you and your family can make the final decisions.
There is hope. Do everything in your power to help your daughters' to heal. They must come first. Your son got a free pass for years. He needs help;help that you will be unable to give him. You can't possibly be objective because you will always love him. If someone were to tell me that I would turn my back on my child I never would have believed them. The difference here is that I had to protect one child from another. You will always feel conflicted about your son. I still do but with time , lots of counseling and seeing my daughter move from suicidal behavior to thriving behavior I began to see that we had no choice
Life is better now. We have happiness and joy again in our lives. Our family is closer than ever. As a mother I have learned to live without my son. I no longer grieve him like I did. If I had to do it over again I would have done the same things because my daughter's life depended on it and the outcome has been amazing. My daughter is alive and thriving.
I will say a prayer for you and your family. There will be a lot of dark days ahead, I am sure. Come here often for support, you are going to need it. Nobody understands this like another parent who has felt your pain. You are a warrior, my friend. A hero to your daughters. Your daughters are heroes as well. Tell them everyday how proud you are of them for telling. Many children never tell. Thank God, yours did! Don't ever doubt your strength as a mother. You will survive and when you feel weak , reach out.
Hugs, Laura
Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story. I am trying so hard to find answers that probably aren't there to find.
Our oldest dd is now 15. She has been cutting for over a year, almost committed suicide, has ptsd, is on meds for depression, was in a special psychiatric facility for adolescents for six weeks last year to get her into a safe and stable place. She struggles so much but is an amazing young lady who is teaching me a lot about forgiveness and not blaming myself. I am so proud of who she is and what she has been able to achieve despite her trauma. I'm sure that as she heals she will be an amazing blessing to many.
Our youngest dd who is 13 was the one who told me 9 months ago to the day what had happened. He went as far as tying her up and raping her, forcing her to watch pornography and heaps more. It was multiple times a week for years, though the rape happened a few times - the rest was bad enough. This daughter has an amazing disposition, always seeing the needs in others and doing something about it before you can say anything, always believing the best in others and encouraging herself with positive statements. She really struggles with self-esteem, feels responsible for the trauma our family is going through, has severe problems with zoning out, has begun self-harming and is depressed.It still seems so unreal to me, like it's just a nightmare and I'll wake up from it, but you never do.
I feel so out of my depth to be the mother they need when I am trying to heal from my own childhood abuse. I don't have confidence in my abilities as I know that I have caused a lot of pain in my children's lives too, but we have made huge inroads in this and my oldest dd wrote me a note last night saying that she has thought about it for a long time and forgives me for the various times I have caused her pain. That was one of the most positive, powerful things to have happened of late and I cried so much. It is helping me to find the strength to let go of my shame and forgive myself.
This is so isolating too. The shame around what our son has done is immense and there is always this big secret in the back of your mind when you relate to people, a huge part of your life that no one can ever find out about but has influenced you so much.
Both our daughters have asked to see their brother again, but I won't let them. None of us are coping and seeing him would only trigger things even more. We have done as much as we can to protect our girls and ourselves and are in the process of selling our home of almost 30 years. Not one room doesn't have bad memories, not even the cubby out the back or walking tracks nearby. It's all tainted.
I'm trying to believe that we will have happiness and joy again that will be genuine. The pain is never far from the surface.
As far as I know our son is not getting help specifically for what he did. We suspect that he himself was abused, but that doesn't excuse what he did, it only makes us angrier. We live in a relatively small place (400 000 people) and hope that he will move to another city to continue studying. He won't listen to anything we suggest but is respecting the boundaries we have put in place.
I think that I really need to reach the point you did and decide to cut all contact with him and grieve the loss of my firstborn, but part of me hopes that a relationship will be possible in the future, but I don't think that is in the best interests of our healing journey. It's so hard when he's still alive, and a mother will always wonder what her child is up to in this world. We were so proud of him and now I hate everything about him. I can't face the photos, I keep finding things around the house he made or gave me, or other reminders. It would be easier if he was an axe murderer.
Thanks again for your words.
Ozmum62
Your daughters wanting to see him is normal. Our daughter actually felt sorry for her brother for years and protected him until she began to fall apart before our very eyes. It took a lot of therapy before she was even angry with him for what he did to her. Your daughters are not in their right minds right now and I am sure that your son still has some power over them. Abusers are master manipulators. Incest has many layers and because your girls have been victimized in so many ways there will need to be a lot of healing before they will realize who and what he really is. Keeping him away from them is key to their long term healing.
Trust me, you will get to a point where you don't care what others think about you. They couldn't possibly have a clue to the hell your life has become. If people want to judge me for being estranged from my son because of what he did they can kiss my ass!! And yes, it would be easier if he were an axe murderer because then people would understand how painful your life has become. People just don't get the complexities of incest and the damage that it does to a family. There is also a lot of shame and ignorance surrounding it.
You would be amazed at the people who have said to me "Why can't you just forgive him and allow him back in? " Or how about this one "Your daughter just needs to suck it up. You shouldn't allow her to control your family this way. He just made a mistake." Sick, right? A mistake that has lifetime consequences!!!!!!!
You are not out of your depth to help your girls. Do you know why? Because you are a survivor yourself. Who better to model to them that they too can survive the unthinkable. You can do this because you already have been doing this for years. When you feel weak, come here and allow us to see how truly amazing and strong you are. I know that you can do this because I did it, my daughter did it and many many others have done this as well. It is possible to move from victim to survivor to a thriver.
It won't be easy and it won't happen overnight but it can be done.
Laura
Thanks again. I just sit here crying, trying to grieve. It took me almost 40 years to grieve the loss of my sister. How long is this going to take?
Sorry for the insensitive comments your family has faced. They would just make me so angry. The harshest comments we have had are from the only family we turned to for help. My sister in law used to be a telephone counsellor with the rape crisis centre we are using and I can't believe what she has done. She told my dh that he was gutless and should "man up" and intervene in a certain situation with our son. She ended up taking matters into her own hands which were unnecessary as our son had already resigned from his job involving children. She has also thrown so much blame our way - I tried to tell you your girls had eating disorders (the truth is, they don't like their auntie's food), you should have noticed something when your son was hurting his pets, you should not have home educated and on it goes. We need this like a hole in the head. I completely fell apart the day she levelled all this at us and spent an hour on the phone to a counsellor completely unconsolable. It was a betrayal of trust.
Yes, our daughters feel sorry for their brother. The older one found Christmas really difficult as it was the only time of the year he made an effort to be nice to her.
Thanks so much for your encouragement. It's what I need in this hell hole. I plan on journalling a lot today to try and process some things.
BTW, I noticed that your daughter is soon coming to Australia. I hope she enjoys it. It's where I live.
Ozmum62
Processing is a word I understand. Digesting this will take a lot of time and patience. There were times in the first year that I just couldn't wrap my head around what had taken place in our family. You find out who your true friends and family are when you go thru something like this. There is no way around this issue-you just have to go thru what is necessary to survive and heal. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.
I am so grateful to her Aussie pal. She was a huge support over the past 5 years to my daughter. It really is a small world. They met online , look like sisters ,are the same age, both had pugs and have so much in common. They seem like soul sisters. She came to America almost 2 years ago for a visit and my daughter is now well enough to make the trip. I call her my other daughter from down under! :)
Laura
Just want to say Im glad you posted. I truly love Warriormama and am so happy she reached out to you. Warriormama has helped me thru a lot. My situation is different than yours - it involves my soon to be ex.
I feel horrible about the stupid comments of your SIL. I have a friend who has the same job ironically - and as a counsellor, she has said some batty things to me too :-)
Unfortunately mental health providers ARE like a box of chocolates - u never know what ur gonna get - from psychiatrists and down the line. In fact medically speaking, psychiatry is the easiest area of medicine to get in to - and if often the least financially reimbursed area. To get a good person in mental health it has to truly be the place in his/her heart to counsel people and that needs to be combined w intelligence and strong common sense. Your SIL is a classic example of why it's soooo important to be careful about who you go to in mental health services. I may not be in your shoes standing to lose a son, but I do know a thing or two in the medical profession. That woman wayyyyy outta line. You don't need criticism now - you need support!!!
I am so truly sorry. Warriormama has great insight into this specific area of CSA and I hope you can be helped with her advice. I don't have anything else to offer but my prayers which you have.
Sadly, you're not alone in this. My wound is fresh too....I just learned about it in October. And I've been receiving major slaps in the face and kick-me-when-I'm-down news since.
I don't have anyone else, so I'm bearing the brunt of all of this alone. (my daughter would rather not deal with it....although she is in counceling)
Send me a friend request and vent all you want. Maybe we can help each other. :(
Thanks for the kind replies. It is a very painful season in our lives. I have to believe that spring will come again and our lives will blossom. Right now it is in the dead of winter. I cried so much last night trying to make sense of it all, trying to cling onto hope that maybe a relationship with our son is still possible, but I can't see how. There were other factors yesterday which led me to crying so much, like our 15yodd going through her music and removing anything connected with her brother, including a CD he had given her at our last Christmas together. It makes it all so final, but needs to be done. Lord knows I've thrown enough things out, but seeing your child do that is another matter. It's their pain, not yours. It's her healing.
Please pray that I will find the strength to start forgiving myself. I have come close to suicide and leaving the family over my guilt, not just because of what our son has done, but because of issues I have and damage I have caused. I know that I really need to forgive myself to be able to start facing some of my childhood abuse.
I'm sorry that we are having to meet through this forum. It means that your lives are traumatised too, your hearts broken. It's a relief to have some other people walking the same road. Thank you all for reaching out.
I know this isn't the best thing to say - but I can't help myself nor can I get over your SILs comments. So just bear w me a moment here... Is she bored at work that she felt it necessary to criticize you the way she did in your sensitive state?!?! OMG!!!
That being said, please don't feel alone. We ARE all here to help. I pray for your wellness and safety first - because in order to help your children, you need to get yourself better. We can't change our past, but we CAN change our future.
My SIL is very strong on social justice so strongly felt the need to protect the broader community from our son despite what we were saying. She has no idea just how sapping this is to deal with and that you have to prioritise what you can handle at any given point.
My husband's side of the family have never respected the opinions of the males, so SIL did not respect his views or position in this mess and sees him as weak for not standing up to our son earlier. It wouldn't have made a difference other than we could have started helping our girls sooner. I honestly don't know how I would have handled disclosure before our son was of an age to be independent. I'm kind of glad it happened like it did (if you can ever be "glad" about such a thing). There is a lot of background even my SIL doesn't know about as far as things that have happened in our family, particularly in respect of our son who has Aspergers. She has no idea of the pain we faced with him 4 years ago and the difficult position we have been in ever since. She has no idea how difficult he has been to raise.
The reason I struggle so much with guilt over this whole mess is because I wonder if my inability to control my emotions towards my son in particular caused him such pain that he ended up abusing his sisters. I also feel guilt that my inability to handle intense emotions has caused a lot of pain for our 15yo to the point where she couldn't tell me she was depressed and cutting. She blamed me for the point she got to last year and so did my husband and then my SIL. It's only compounded the problems. Long, long, story, but progress is happening, particularly between this dd and myself. I have had to change big time.
Anyway, my SIL sees it all as social justice (she has been strong on this since she was 2), but not once has she asked us as parents how we are travelling. I really don't think she gets the impact it has had on us. She doesn't get the damage this has caused and how awkward I feel around her in particular. I always thought she would be so together and supportive in a crisis, but this hasn't proven to be the case. She insisted we stop home education, she is insisting we move house, she is insisting a lot of things. We have come to those decisions ourselves anyway, but her intervention completely undermines us in an already very vulnerable state. Yes, they helped us to deal with the local child protection authorities, but that was more her husband who pulled things together for us as he works with victims of crime and restorative justice. We thought that this couple would be a strength for us, but my SIL has compounded my already fragile state. I don't want to see her again either. My counsellor has said it's not worth confronting her as I have enough things to deal with as it is, and she's right.
Anyway, enough prattling. Need to go and do some more baking.
Blessings
I believe that it is mother instinct to protect all our children even the one who did the abusing. I believe that is why you feel this way now. With time and counseling you will begin to see that the only person responsible for this is your son. Not you and not anything you did or said could have made him do this-he chose this behavior..period!
Laura