Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Dear parents, ladies and beloved on this journey for justice and healing,
I have been immersed in trying to decide what we need most as parents of children who were sexually abused. Since I learned of my daughter's abuse, I decided I wanted to make a difference. Of course, I am still dealing with so many emotions of guilt, anger, and disbelief, etc. I have come a long way from the first days of discovery. Now with the PSU scandal and all the much needed awareness around sexual abuse, I am still asking myself the same question. If I were going to embark upon a mission what do the victims and or the victims families need most? I really am curious to hear from all of you. I know awareness and education around abuse needs to be increased. People have to understand the nature of these abusers, become aware of how they groom their victims and often the parents. The PSU scandal illustrates the level of manipulation not by one but by many, by many who turned a blind eye. Perhaps, they didnt' want to believe it. As I read all the posts here and I reflect on our experience, too often I felt alone. The parents here were my only salvation and hope. We didn't feel support by outsiders, because even though she reported, no one wanted to talk about our feelings and the frustrations we dealt with daily. My initial thought was to start a safe haven for women/parents and the children who have been sexually abused. Similar to a safe haven for women who are entrapped in physical abuse. But I wanted the safe haven to be more than a home, I wanted it to be a place where true compassion, love and resources could be available. Similar to an adovacy center, but a place where wounds can heal and someone can support the families through the entire process. I would love to hear your thoughts. Basically, what do you think the children/we as parents need as victims of this crime? I am aware that everyone may have different needs, but that is what I want to hear.. As I work on this project, I want to make a difference that comes from those whose voices are not heard. I don't want this to be about me and my daughter, I want this to be about all the victims and the parents who suffer.. Your replies and honesty are greatly appreciated. Bless you all and thank you in advance for your thoughts.
I have been immersed in trying to decide what we need most as parents of children who were sexually abused. Since I learned of my daughter's abuse, I decided I wanted to make a difference. Of course, I am still dealing with so many emotions of guilt, anger, and disbelief, etc. I have come a long way from the first days of discovery. Now with the PSU scandal and all the much needed awareness around sexual abuse, I am still asking myself the same question. If I were going to embark upon a mission what do the victims and or the victims families need most? I really am curious to hear from all of you. I know awareness and education around abuse needs to be increased. People have to understand the nature of these abusers, become aware of how they groom their victims and often the parents. The PSU scandal illustrates the level of manipulation not by one but by many, by many who turned a blind eye. Perhaps, they didnt' want to believe it. As I read all the posts here and I reflect on our experience, too often I felt alone. The parents here were my only salvation and hope. We didn't feel support by outsiders, because even though she reported, no one wanted to talk about our feelings and the frustrations we dealt with daily. My initial thought was to start a safe haven for women/parents and the children who have been sexually abused. Similar to a safe haven for women who are entrapped in physical abuse. But I wanted the safe haven to be more than a home, I wanted it to be a place where true compassion, love and resources could be available. Similar to an adovacy center, but a place where wounds can heal and someone can support the families through the entire process. I would love to hear your thoughts. Basically, what do you think the children/we as parents need as victims of this crime? I am aware that everyone may have different needs, but that is what I want to hear.. As I work on this project, I want to make a difference that comes from those whose voices are not heard. I don't want this to be about me and my daughter, I want this to be about all the victims and the parents who suffer.. Your replies and honesty are greatly appreciated. Bless you all and thank you in advance for your thoughts.
It was shocking to me that there was no support group in our area, I am looking forward to getting one started, meeting the need, giving back, but mostly connecting with the only other people that could really understand what we have/are going through!
https://www.facebook.com/#!/erin.merryn
https://www.facebook.com/#!/ErinsLaw
Stay strong...and thank you EVERYONE FOR YOUR posts!!!!
Each one of us who try and say that we are ashamed of what happened plays right into the role of the abuser. Look at each and every one of the posts here and you will continually hear I don't want to reveal my name. Well I'm of the belief that is the main reason that society continues to not know that abuse happens in virtually any home. Victims/Survivors are made to feel that they have done something wrong, when in reality their abuse falls squarely on those who abuse.
Look at the PSU abuse case and you clearly see that the survivors are named as victim # 1,2 or whatever. These poor victims continue to be abused, not only by the memory but by those of us who can't and don't see abuse as the reality that it is. These survivors/victims have done nothing wrong but we will forever continue to make them feel like they have as long as we continue to not be able to deal with reality. I know darn good and well that having something happen to our children is not something we as parents would not want anybody to know, but we MUST not hide behind protecting our children as the root cause of talking about it. My lovely wife has grown substantially from the fact that she can help others, and I suspect that many of the victims/survivors would also grow from not only helping others but also to KNOW that there are others. Most survivors feel like this doesn't happen to anybody other then themself and would certainly feel better to be able to share their horrors with others who have been abused.
My wife Linda would be more then happy to talk to anybody about what she went through as a child. That is why here and I continue to try the best we can to help others in their quest to heal from Childhood Sexual Abuse.
I hope one day that each and everyone of us here can one day say that we have seen a difference for the better of society. However, I don't see that happening as long as we continue to want to keep this horror behind closed doors.
Tom Ramstack
In our case, my child did not want anyone to know what happened, mostly because she didn't want to spend the rest of her time in local schools being looked at as "the one" who was involved. She just didn't want to be constantly singled out. That was her choice and since she was the victim, I saw no reason to go against her wishes. We/she still did everything that was necessary to get the perp behind bars and yes, he got a nice, long sentence. This was all done without revealing her identity so she doesn't walk the halls at school wondering who is looking at or talking about her, which would have been an ongoing source of trauma.
We handled our situation to the best of our ability and I say that because who can really anticipate situations like this? For some people, doing as you've suggested is likely the best approach. For others though, different methods work. I don't think you're trying to be judgmental, but be careful and try not to sound too much like it's "your way or the highway." We're all just trying to make the best of bad situations in our own ways.
Also, my older son was in his last year of school getting an education degree and we didn't want this hurting his chances of getting a job when he graduated 7 months later. (He is now in his second year with a nearby school district but doesn't have tenure yet). Also, the perp's family --who enabled him and pampered him all his life and thought he was better than sliced bread and who he didn't reciprocate those feelings-- are known to be hot-headed, and we knew there was a good chance they would try and sue us for defamation, slander, etc--since there was no plea entered yet, we didn't want them to know who we were since we were fairly sure the perp didn't tell them.
Now that we are 3 1/2 months past sentencing where the perp got a suspended 3 year sentence for 3rd degree felony child endangerment (a plea deal my kids agreed to because the sentencing flexibilities a judge has for the different degrees was never explained to them), megan's law registry, loss of teaching license, immediate parole for at least 15 years, restraining order on our family, psychosexual testing and appropriate counseling, we are finding things out because people don't know who we are and we now feel we need to keep an eye on what's happening with the perp.
Since he's sociopathic (in hindsight we can see where he didn't care about how he was affecting anyone else and didn't feel badly for anything--even manipulated a band director into believing she wasn't suited for the high school age group and found a middle school job for her to apply for so he could get her job since he worked there for 2 yrs as her percussion clinician, plus the prosecutor said at sentencing his only comment was "I didn't do anything that hurt anyone") he was able to get the therapists doing his testing and preliminary counseling to believe he's a low risk repeat offender, so he's classified level one and therefore isn't on an internet registry, he's only on a list in a database that's unaccessable to the public. He is changing his last name to his mother's maiden name, which happens to give him the same name as a famous pianist/composer/arranger, AND he failed to register, so the cops picked him up and charged him but the judge released him because they said he wasn't a flight risk, and he's supposed to go thru a resentencing, which I'm trying to find out about. He also is going out of state to a strict Christian college (where my one son transferred out of) to get his masters degree in conducting and there's a good chance his parole officer doesn't know--his photo showed up on my son's FB newsfeed conducting their band (the same band my one son would have been in if he stayed there--this totally freaked him out since he's still friends with some of those students); AND when they went to pick him up for the failure to register, they didn't find him at his house--the address they had for him; they were told by a neighbor that he hadn't lived there for months and was staying with his parents in OUR town, so I need to find out if they are charging him with not providing a current address which is a requirement under Megan's Law. I also found out the restraining order was never put into effect and I'm trying to find out how to get that in place. There's only so much manpower to keep track of all this stuff, so we'll do what we need to do to make sure the proper ramifications occur since it certainly seems like the perp is trying to get out of his sentence one way or another.
Once we get down the road from this and are comfortable that things are in place correctly, we'll feel more comfortable revealing who we are--there are a few people who we trust who we have told. But I absolutely agree that writing senators, state assemblymen, representatives, governors, attorney generals, etc--even the president-- about the damaging effects of CSA, the secrecy and hidden dangers and inaccurate statistics, public provocative images that are inappropriate for offenders, victims, innocent children; the need for more education and awareness, correcting inaccurate teachings like stranger danger, etc, is one of the best things we can do, and get anyone else we can to write as well--maybe start an advocacy letter writing campaign in groups or clubs we're in or in our churches (we don't go anymore--another side effect of this--long story, friend request me if you want to read my journal to get the full story). I'm waiting to hear about training for a crisis response team volunteer, which will give me a chance to help others and tell our story there, and I'm also planning on volunteering at a child advocacy center I found out about not too far from here that will give me an opportunity help and to tell others too. We are in this together, lets support each other in any and every way we can.
I don't have a child who was abused and I honestly can't put myself in your shoes, however you're daughter and EVERY survivor doesn't want to talk about the abuse because they were forced not to talk about it. Talking is the only way for those survivors to have any hope of healing. Each and every survivor I've meet in the last 20 years have mentioned to my wife and I their healing started when they break the silence. My wife has seen 6 therapist over the years and each and every one of those therapists have said the exact same thing I elude to.
Bandmom, Yes those Packers are playing well to say the least. I've been a Packers fan since 1965 when I personally got every players autograph including Vince Lombardi's. I'm glad to hear that you're boys seem to be doing well.
There is an Incest Survivor group her on DS and I would encourage each and every one of you to view the posts there. I think that it sheds some light on how those who were abused as children want to be treated. More importantly how can we as a society protect our children from Childhood Sexual Abuse.
Take Care Friends ! I hope I didn't offend anybody !!
Tom Ramstack
I think talking and revealing everything is probably the best source for healing.....BUT, only when the victim is ready to share their experience. I believe forcing them to do so can create just as much harm. There were times I wanted to shout to the world what happened to my son, but he made it very clear from the beginning that he didn't want others to know and ask him questions he wasn't ready to answer. I had to respect that. For my own sanity I told a few select friends that I knew would never grill him. It has just been the last year in a half or so that he has told a friend or two what happened. So for now I'll keep taking my ques from my child and trust that he will devulge information to others when he is ready...and I'll keep praying that our decisions are the right ones for his complete healing.
Just my two cents.
One of the things I learned was everyone of these children were abused by a so called love one...father, grandfather, uncle. And many of the families were in denial. One child had to tell serveral people before someone believed her.
So yes, the stranger danger is good in theory, but we need to concentrate on educating the public on what to look for. The general public is not aware of the grooming process (I know I wasn't before finding out about my sons abuse). They are not aware of the signs to look for in abuse. They are not aware of the signs to look for in an abuser. I think the general public thinks of the abuser being a creepy guy lurking on the streets not the dear family member or friend sitting at the table eating with you. I think the general public also need to be aware that there is a great deal of denial.
This place has been a great outlet and a great source of comfort for me. I wish I could have found something local to share my story and get feedback.
So as a victims parent I would say the thing that would help us the most is getting the information out there so everyone can be educated and we can truly put a stop to this. And to have something local to reach out to others going through similar ordeals.
I think woulddoitagain really hit the proverbial nail on the head with her comments about the "grooming process". I think this is the message that we really need to get out to parents, identifying some of the aspects of the grooming process so that everyone can be on the lookout for danger. We didn't know that our perp was grooming our child, but in hindsight, there were things that we might have seen had we known.