I will wholeheartedly agree with you when you say, "everyone may have different needs" because from what I've seen, that is the case. In my family's situation, it was decided to keep everything a secret. The child who was abused had one big request and that was to do everything that we could to assure that no one knew who the victim was. Who were we to go against the wishes of the child who was abused when they were reasonable? We did everything that we needed to do to assure that the perp ended up behind bars, but we also made sure that no one knew who our child was. Others may feel differently and feel that the answer is to get out there in public and shake things up. There were times when we might have liked to do that, but we always deferred to the wishes of our child.

In our case, our child wasn't happy about the idea of therapy either. We forced a few sessions of therapy, but in the end learned that our child is not yet ready for it. Again, everyone is different. As parents, we've been doing therapy not only for ourselves, but also to try to be more aware of what could happen to our child in the future in the way of repercussions.

In the end, I think that all you can do is make services available to both parents and children and then let the individuals decide what's right for them. There is no cookie cutter answer. I appreciate what you're trying to do and it sounds like you have the energy to get things done. Good luck in your endeavors and I really hope you're able to make a difference.

I've been thinking about something very similar. There were several things that I think I needed through this process. One of them was an advocate for me. My husband had an advocate, my children had an advocate, and I had to jump through the hoops of all of them with nobody there for me (I'm still doing it.) I wish I had had an advocate to deal with the police, CPS, the prosecutors. It's all so invasive and I have felt stifled. Particularly with CPS. I felt, and still do feel that my basic parental rights were always on the line. Even if I did the right thing. I reported it immediately. But I still have them come into my home every other week, even though I'm considered "low risk" and the file shouldn't even be open on me. I feel like I have paid for the crime, over and over again. My daughters' voices have not been heard and they feel powerless.

I also think that a lot of awareness needs to go out about the people who do this. We all have this image of the creepy guy down the street. In actuality, they are "normal" people... they work, they have families, they are nice, etc. I think we do everyone a huge disservice by portraying the "monster" label. I saw this one documentary of this man who had molested several children. Even he could not connect what he had done to the other people on the news who had done the same thing. I couldn't connect my husband to the people I have seen on the news either. A lot of awareness needs to occur in communities about what makes them tick, what starts the cycle of abuse, and the reality of abusers actually being nice people. (I might catch flack for saying that, but it's the truth. That's why everyone is always so shocked at what they do.) If we keep pushing the "monster" thing, it makes it difficult to "see" the signs of child abuse, because it will always be attributed to something else. Sexual abuse is too far outside our paradigm... only because we have made it so that we think only a select few creepy people do it. When the reality is, 1 in 20 adolescent boys/adults molest a child. That's not rare. And the whole "stranger danger" is laughable and causes more harm than good.

That's my opinion. I hope to be able to start something where I am located too. I'm working with several people now to address the things I've mentioned. I felt very alone, and I felt attacked by all sides of the situation. Always afraid, never received answers, and felt isolated and attacked.

Vicvicbenson and USAdad..thank you both for your replies. While my focus is on the victims, so many people are harmed by these acts. I respect all your thoughts and truly appreciate your honest feedback.. USAdad, my daughter didn't want everyone to know, she was so ashamed. Fortunately, through therapy and EMDR therapy she has come a long way. A lot more healing in our future. Vicvicbenson..I agreee about the stranger danger concept, I focused way too much on that even as a hypervigilant mom, while failing to realize my own husband could be a perpetrator. Awareness, and education will hopefully help others. Thanks again.

I just recently have found a little bit of drive to pull myself out of this funk and become more proactive and an advocate in some way. The one detective recommended me for crisis response team volunteer training that I'm excited about doing, and I found a child advocacy center nearby that needs volunteers, so I want to do that too. I'm looking for more info than what our experience provided so I have a better and broader understanding of child and parent needs. The PSU scandal is really affecting me too--on one hand it's weighing me down with all the lack of concern, complacency, putting the PSU football money machine, coverups, etc as the priority over the law--protecting innocent children, and I have such feelings of futility; but other times I feel this is a great opportunity, strike while the iron is hot, shout, scream, do whatever it takes to drive home the point that this is CRIMINAL and EVERYONE who has accountability MUST be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law in order to set precedent, both for past, current and future victims, but to hopefully help deter current and future perps. Sorry, I know that sounds so idealistic, but experience tells me you have to reach for something really high to ensure getting at least something little where justice is concerned.

I agree the stranger danger teachings for CSA are a joke--the vast percentage of CSA victims know their abusers--family, friends, friends of family, clergy, fellow congregants, etc. That is one area that needs to be changed in homes and in curriculums. Stranger danger applies to abductions, and possibly some other crimes, but not CSA.

Vicvic, you have brought up some excellent points. I love all you've shared, and I want to try to be open minded about this, and not offend you, but at this point I have difficulty thinking of the perps as nice people. If they are incapable of stopping themselves because of a medical (mental and/or physical) condition, where impulse control has been disabled for some reason, I can understand (but not condone) it. Even then I question why they didn't seek help, but I acknowledge there's the component of not knowing it was wrong if their life experiences for some reason taught them that. Outside of those cases (I'm thinking it's a fairly small percentage, but I could be wrong), if a person seems compassionate, trustworthy, loyal, honest, ambitious, etc, and turns out to be a CSA offender, to me they are in truth manipulative, conniving, deceitful, and have intentionally and often premeditatively groomed a victim and their family to gain access in order to exert sexually based power and control over a defenseless child. Again, if they knew it was wrong, why did they not seek help. Sociopaths do not believe they are/were wrong and don't feel remorse. I guess I can't expect them to seek help, so how do we deal with them? Why are they sociopathic? How is sociopathy defined or diagnosed? How does someone become that way? Are they born that way? Those are all things we probably should try and understand about offenders. But I still believe they should be held accountable somehow--research shows the vast percentage of them are not able to be rehabilitated unless they have been offenders for a short time and/or are young. Ultimately I just keep coming back to protecting children, helping child victims. I think we get into very dangerous territory if, when allegations come in, we start an investigation not believing the child. Our offender was a family friend/adjunct instructor at my kids high school and middle school who we adored, and even though I immediately and without question believed my sons, I still searched my mind and online sites for some acceptable reason why this happened. I blamed myself, I didn't want to believe that we could be that wrong about a person. As we went to counseling separately and together as a family, as all the facts came out and as we remembered many things that were said and happened, and put pieces together, especially the timing, specificity and diligence of certain words and actions on many occasions by the perp, we realized it was intentional and premeditated grooming for the sole purpose of him being able to perform the abuse.

I don't know what the right answer is in all this, I think it's definitely important to understand as much as we can since as previously mentioned, no two cases are the same, and as much constructive dialogue about this as possible can only be helpful. I've found places online where there are offender support groups pushing for changes in the laws; one is to ask for shorter statute of limitations. I can't agree with that since so many victims, both adults and children, for a myriad of legitimate reasons, have delayed disclosure. These groups are also concentrating their efforts for the repeal of all or parts of the Adam Walsh Act which is a law defining the sex offender registry and the different tiers of offender classification. There are other efforts by these groups as well that it might behoove us to become familiar with. Again, I apologive if I'm offending someone, but it's a complicated and emotional issue that is at best little understood.

However, I know I am very blessed to have found this site where we are supporting each other and exploring options and answers. Cudos to all of you for everything you give here. My heart and prayers go out to you all for all you endure. (((hugs)))

Hi Bandmom: Thanks for your comments! I wanted to clarify my statement about them "being nice." What I mean is that when we focus our awareness on people who do this, the first thought is to think of them as evil beings. When this happens in the home or with a family friend, etc, we are shocked because "he was such a nice guy." My point is that until we can have an honest discussion about who really does this, why, and how, we aren't going to get to the bottom of it. I don't think we deal with the root of the issue.

I agree with you that they are manipulative. Absolutely. My comment was not to suggest that they are all great people. But the truth is that we don't suspect the people who really do it because we know them and think of them as good people. And what is portrayed on the media is nowhere near what we think of the people we know and love. We can't make the connection until it is too late. Does that make sense?

I'm actually a member of the group that you speak of. I disagree with a lot of things stated, and I agree with many things brought up. I don't want this thread to become an advocacy for perpatrators. But since we are discussing this group, I do want to mention the things I have researched. 80% will not reoffend even without treatment after their first conviction. There are many types of offenders; however, our country lags behind others in treating the different types because we do a "one size fits all" treatment. As far as the laws go, much research has been done to show that many of the laws are ineffective and actually cause more harm than good, which to me, has become a safety risk to children. I am all about prevention. How can we prevent children from becoming victims and how can we prevent previous offenders from reoffending, and ones that may offend in the future from offending?

I believe that anyone that commits these crimes needs to answer to them. The consequences of these crimes are devastating for the victims (I've been through it myself.)However, most of these offenders are getting out some day. Isn't it best to provide proper treatment that has been shown to work? I have seen many posts that reiterate that treatment doesn't work, but I've actually read over 30 studies that suggest otherwise. I'm interested in reading where you read that treatment is ineffective. I'm trying to become as knowledgable about this as possible. Raising penalties does not work. It is not a deterrent. Take any crime... many people reoffend. Even those who have ended up in prison already. It does not work. What does work, we do not promote. I have reasearched a lot about how Canada handles this. It's very different, and it seems more effective. Canada also focuses a lot on restorative justice, something I am a huge believer in. After the punitive phase, there is an opportunity for closure if the victims want it. Being a victim myself, I can tell you that I would crave such a thing. I'm sure others would want the same, and I'm sure others wouldn't want it. But at least it should be an option. I think another part of the problem, in any crime, is that it is considered a crime against the state, not a crime against an individual. Most offenders do not get to see the fall out and extreme repercussions of their actions, and can continue living in their denial.

To answer your question about sociopaths, they are actually pretty rare. Sociopaths have absolutely no ability to empathize with other human beings. They are incapable of remorse. And because of that, it is very difficult to treat them. I think it is a combination of biological components and environmental components that create a sociopath. Most sex offenders are not sociopaths. In reality, there is an immense amount of denial that they are in. That's why I think jail is important. Most of the time, there is a shock created when the offender is forced to really face their crime and have to let go of their rationalizations. That is why it is believed that after the first conviction, most don't reoffend. They may struggle with it, but won't act on it.

Another problem that I have seen is mandatory reporting. Ever since this was enacted, if a person went to a therapist seeking help for thoughts or fantasies regarding children (before they offend) the therapist is required to report them, an investigation begins, they are removed from their homes, and end up on the sex offender registry. I read a study that showed ever since the mandatory reporting was enacted, there has been a steep decline of people who chose to seek help.

I want to make clear that I do not condone the actions of anyone who hurts children. I am however, a huge advocate for restorative justice, and I believe whole heartedly in getting the truth out there and face this head-on. Many may disagree with me. But these are the conclusions that I have come to. I'm trying to look at this from all sides. I believe knowledge is power. I would rather get into a position to act rather than react. Because as we all know, when we react in this situation, that means a huge amount of damage has already been done.

Vic, thanks for your message, and for all the info you posted above. It's going to take me a while to review it all, and I'm going out of town for a few days, but I appreciate you providing it all and I'm very interested in checking it all out. Here's one link that may interest you, particularly the last few paragraphs: http://www.mosac.net/default.asp?pageid=48&deptid=1 .
I know I've seen similar information sites, I have to find and post them for you.

Regarding mandatory reporting, this is the first I'm hearing of a counselor reporting for disclosure of fantasies. The law states it is for know or suspected abuse; there has to be a known or suspected victim, and false reporting can be prosecuted, and the false reporter is liable for civil damages for slander, defamation of charavter, etc. Here's a link about that:
http://www.mosac.net/default.asp?pageid=60&deptid=1
The mosac site has quite alot of info, it's very extensive, and I've found it really helpful. Gotta go for now :0)

I totally agree with what you are trying to do, although I may not be able to give much advice on how to help others one thing I can say is that the abused don't always get justice and I think that is terrible. My six year old daughter was molested by her father I reported it she told the doctors, detectives, CPS and therapist what he done to her. They charged him and then turned around and dropped the case based on a similar case. I now am faced with the battle of him trying to get his visitation rights back and it makes me sick to my stomach that he could even have the right to ask for visitation after what he has put her through this last two years. Her life has changed so much and she only eight she still has nightmares, her school grades are bad she has been through more than should have been for someone only eight years old. And then not to get any justice for what was done to her and now have to face the fact that she may have to go back for visitations with her abuser just isn't right. I think the court should take the cases on an individual bases and prosecute accordingly, so that another child who is abused will get justice.

I agree on needing education and awareness. I would like to see a program in schools and in churches where children can learn about it. My children have always told me "you're paranoid Mom, ppl don't do that" etc... I would like them to hear it outside the home.

Also the advocate for the parent is an awesome idea. We didn't have the pleasure and pain of prosecuting bc of the statue of limitations in our state....but had we been able to it would of been nice to have someone to help. You are in such shock when this happens and you are surviving on anger, rage, shock etc and not always make the decisions that get justice. I know I wanted to go do bodily harm to my father in law and thank God I had sane people around me that talked sense into me. I wouldn't do my daughter or other children any good if I were in jail and his sick butt was out free.

A place for moms and children to go when disclosure happens is much needed, esp if the perp is the father and husband. The women feel so trapped and usually financially are unable to take the kids and relocate.

Legal help pro bono or discounted would help so many on this site. That and maybe together we can get the laws changed. Lift the statue of limitations and extend the prison time and mandatory therapy.

Great job for putting your the horrible hand you have been dealt to good use to help others. That's why I keep coming on this site from time to time. It helps to help others and I always get some wise words from others.
Hugs and prayers for your project.

PS...Merry the Penn state stuff sickens me. How people can wittness the horrible acts against children and so many turn a blind eye is beyond me. I hate all the jokes going around on facebook and stuff.....I get so defensive. Then to see all those students protesting and stuff that he was asked to leave....where is their compassion for the poor boys he molested??? You know if 9 had the guts to come forward there are probably 90 or more. We will never know how their lack of doing the right thing has ruined many lives.

I would absolutely love a way to get all the statistics on the accused but not prosecuted cases...in my state. I am so sick of googling stuff and it pulling up falsely accused fathers---how the number is growing. Its not them being falsely accused, its the lack of prosecutions. I would love to, and I plan on going to the media soon...and I will not hold back, if it embarrasses my family and they ditch me...i dont care...people need to stop hiding, They have these shows...about child sex slavery, because they live in poor conditions and people make money off them. Well my children are no different. It is also an epidemic what is happening in the united states and the totally corrupt gvnmt system that is allowing it. And i have heard through many attny that so many people in the system are into child porn and so therefore their gavel is very loose. Its sick.

Oceanbluze I agree totally. Without a doubt the statistics are not accurate. My daughter commented to me today that she wished there was a way to get an accurate read on how many kid are sexually violated.We talk about the stats out there a lot. She has learned of several girls in her immediate circle who were abused as little girls. In my own circle of friends, I have had several come forward as adults telling me it happened to them and they never told, or told later in life when the accused was caught perpetrating again. Let us all be careful, when we read statistics, articles and reviews, we may tend to read what we want to read and follow the statistics that support our cause. Without a doubt, sexual abuse is under reported. This is evident even with the numbers of sexual offenders stating they have been abused as children and later admit to it once they are caught violating another. Vivic..Your desires to help restore are honorable. I would love to see the same thing. Again, I think the denial around this subject is so deep. When reading recidivism rates, these include all types of offenders. Thus, the high success rates in some of these studies reflect a gammit of offenders, some having lesser degrees of offense ie exhibitionism etc vs those that are violent predators. Sexual offenders are lumped into one category in some studies and in others they are violent sexual predators. I work in a world where statistics can be skewed to look good or bad, I have learned to question studies, trials and the objectives of the investigators. There are biases in studies and truthfully there are very few well designed trials around restoration. Mainly because there are very few programs offering help and few will participate. Noteworthy, is the facility in California, name has escaped me, it is a special facility where "high risk" offenders are sent after they complete their sentence. Their success rates are very very low. Only 35% of the offenders in this facility actually take part in the actual treatment. Noteworthy, is that many of them are afraid of future consequence, ie parole etc and have been advised by attorney's not to participate. Again, so the truth in reporting stats can be very misleading. Could more be helped if they trusted the system or do many use this as an excuse not to participate? There are so many unanswered questions. I think it is very important to look at what we know globally about sexual abuse, sex trafficking and sex slavery. The numbers are astounding and quite honestly horrible. Pornography is rampant and childr pornogarphy is a mulitbillion dollar industry in USA alone. Who are the consumers? Way too often they are our politicians, clergy men, husbands etc. Interviews with offenders, often state an additction to pornography. Again, what are the accurate stats; we truly don't know. The fact is we know these crimes occur and some offenders may have remorse, some don't. Recall the show "How to catch a predator" I know some criticized the nature of this show and claimed it was entrapment, but honestly., look at how many men, were exposed. Vivic I suppot restoration, too. But I support valid studies first. It cost way more to keep a sexual offender behind bars than it does other criminals. Perhaps the NIH, could fund a valid study here to facilitate awareness and move this cause forward.

As for the sociopathic personality, there are actually more socioapths walking among us than we realize. This does not mean every pedophile is a sociopath, but knowing right from wrong and deliberatetly covering it up is minimally evil. My ex was a diagnosed sociopath, he groomed, manipulated me for years before I ever trusted him. He was calculating and brilliant. Did he know right from wrong? He most certainly did.. He use to watch programs on abuse with me and comment in eloquent manner on the the sickness of these perpetrators. In one discussion we had, he even said that a great book or movie could be written about a vigilante father who eliminates sexual offenders and he contemplated writing such a book. He went into detail of the plot and truly had me convinced he was empathetic and that this was a concern for him. This was not a haphazard conversation, this was a deliberate converstation to throw me off and so I would never suspect him of his own offenses. I have since learned he was addicted to pornography, he violated a young teenage girl over 20 years ago. I will never know the extent of how many children were his victims. The stats are just not reported. Every moment he could find a way to look at erotic stimuli he did so. He worked very hard to cover all of this up. He never once mentioned sexual abuse in his past. It may have occurred, but I will never know. Again, because it is so under reported. My point in saying all of this is that I believe some offenders can not be honest or accountable, therefore, they cannot be rehabilitated. This does not mean all offenders should not be given a chance to rehabilitate. My conclusion is there are varying degrees of offenders and therefore, the studies do not accurately reflect reports or recidivism rates, or rehabilitation rates. I still support your points though. We need to learn more and find alternative ways rather than just locking them up.

Vivic your point here is spot on. "Most offenders do not get to see the fall out and extreme repercussions of their actions, and can continue living in their denial." Here is the problem. Denial. We cannot hope to expose with the existence of denial, we cannot hope to heal with denial.

Today as a write this there are several cases in the media around abuse, the PSU scandal, a similar scandal in NY state with superintendent of a school system, a coach in Mt Pleasant SC, and a camp counselor at the Citadel in SC. In everyone of these cases, reporting was negligent. These are the cases we know of and hear about. Under reporting is a huge problem. Which takes me back to the original purpose of this post, what do we need most. It sounds like we need a lot. We need awareness, we need open dialogue, we need treatment programs for the offenders, we need a better legal system to catch and punish those who commit crimes. We need advocates,we need a safe place to heal.. sexual abuse has such deleterious affects that spans generations, communities, families, our society, our globe. Please keep posting folks you are giving me lots of ideas. I truly appreciate everyone's thoughts. Together we can make a difference for all. Bless you all!

PS there is a myriad of research out there. but here is a good overview of the problem, the problem with reporting, accuracy of statistics etc.
http://www.mayoclinicproceedings.com/content/82/4/457.full

Hi Merry:

I absolutely agree with you about statistics and studies. I'm pretty careful about what I read. I've read sources from many studies, funded by many different groups, organizations, etc. My degree is in research so I always like to see how things are defined, was their sample a random sample, how cases were picked, what was their methodology... I actually read a pretty good one that was done using multiple regression using several hundred previous studies. They were pretty careful in their definitions. I see problems in many studies. For instance, the ones that choose to take 200-300 cases and generalize that to a population of hundreds of thousands of people are laughable. I don't even read those. And I don't read anything posted on websites because half the time, quotes are taken out of context and a citation is placed next to them. And both sides trump up their numbers to support their cause. I try to look at who funded the study or if their was an outside source without bias. Those are really the best ones.

As far as underreporting goes... I can tell you that every girl on both sides of my family have either been sexually abused or sexually assaulted. Every girl on my husband's side have been also and about half the boys. My husband is the first one to ever see justice! There are so many flaws on both sides of the court system. It makes me sick.

Denial is allowed to grow and sustain because many people never have to truly face their actions. This is also a topic we don't talk about. We hear "child molester" and run full speed in the other direction, never thinking it could touch us. In order to prevent and treat, we must first understand.

You mentioned that all sex offenders are lumped into one category. That is so true. I recently read a study that was done that included adult rapists, nudists, and child pornography viewers in their reoffense rates of child molesters. It skews the numbers. You can be a pedophile and never molest a child. I also get very angry when all offense rates are calculated in the total. Personally, when I hear that 45% of child molesters reoffend, it creates such a fear... but then when I did deeper, I have seen that when these numbers come up, any court appearance for any charge (including traffic violations) are included as reoffense. I don't give a damn about their traffic violations. I want to know if they are touching kids. I even had the prosecutor tell me that she thinks all reoffenses should be included. Why? Because it has become political.

When studies show over time, across generations, and across place, similar numbers, they gain validity and reliability. We can cite whatever we want, and there will always be a study to back up what we say. I've seen a couple people post studies that have been done one time, by one group of researchers that find results so different than the majority of others have found. I actually saw a study that was completed, that said it was done over a period of ten years and found that 90% of all campus rape allegations were false. This study is cited in numerous locations and on websites. I don't believe it for a second. I find that this happenes in the case of child molesters as well. We do need to be careful with what we read and report.

We agree on many points! I think we should take on Denmark's approach to this. They serve their time,a reasonable time, receive treatment, and before they are let out, they have to pass an evaluation. If they don't pass it, they don't get out, if they do, they are reintegrated into society. The problem is, take absolutely any crime, we don't fund or support rehabilitation. My husband for instance will receive 20 weeks of sex offender treatment while in prison (I have no idea how long he will get yet... it will be lengthy.) That treatment consists of behavior-modification... (even as far as making them masturbate to adult pornography.) Well, my husband's primary attraction (confirmed by evaluation) is towards adult women and he has a pornography addiction. How would this be helpful? Most treatments are centered around a one-size fits all. And it's stupid. When he is released, he will be deported without real treatment. Why? It infuriates me. And it's unsafe.

I will look at the links you provided. :) Thank you.

I'm a little late getting back into this conversation, but Vic mentioned something earlier that I think is so important...an advocate! We found out what had happened to our child because the perp was caught abusing the next child and then our child came forward and told us what had happened to them. Shortly after the perp was arrested, our phone started ringing off the hook from "social services" and law enforcement. We had no idea who we were legally required to talk to, who we should talk to and who we should avoid. We were a normal family and we had no experience with this. We called a legal referral service and we referred to a lawyer who had some experience in this area. Our lawyer helped us navigate the system, something we never could have done on our own. Yes, it cost us money, but it was the best money we ever spent.

This is an area where I believe someone could do some good if they wanted to get active and help others...being an advocate. I have no idea how a system like this would get established, but I know that it's something that we could have used.

USAdad: I ran into the same thing. It has been absolutely awful. I was being pushed around by CPS until I got an attorney. It's so unfair, it's scary, and quite honestly, it makes no sense. Plus, the detectives have interviewed my daughters four times now. And they wanted to do another one. I don't think so! My kids were a mess everytime after the interviews... this is still their dad and they are terrified for him... plus, they are ashamed and hurt. Why would they want to schedule so many interviews? Because the first detective didn't know what he was doing, so after two interviews, the case was passed to another detective and my girls had to go through it again. And then she said the prosecutor wanted it video taped. Too bad. Somebody dropped the ball. I don't mind taking the hits, but my kids aren't taking anymore. Plus, my husband confessed! There is no reason for it! And CPS just pushes their weight around. I find myself always scared. I'm the one who has to jump through all their hoops, not my husband. I reported it as soon as I found out. Nobody tells you what your rights are, and they know that you don't know, so they push as far as they can until you push back. It's an awful, awful system. Quite honestly, it discourages reporting, in my opinion.

No services are offered to the parents... it's just a checklist. I race around every other week, leave work early, pick up the kids, rush home to make dinner, and get everything done so we can actually sit and visit with our case worker... who constantly either doesn't show up or is late. Then she sits for fifteen minutes and says "Everything is great here, I just have to complete my mandated home visits." It's a huge burden on me. About to get my attorney on that situation too. But I'm sure so many people in this situation can't afford an attorney. This will be my focus for the group I would like to start. This whole situation has opened my eyes to so many holes in the system, I'm not even sure where to start. I'm writing a book though.

Sorry for my CPS rant. But seriously, it's not helpful. We're already exhausted parents on the verge of breaking down.