Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My daughters had a counseling appointment yesterday. During the appointment, the counselor had me come in and it was discussed that one daughter's stomach gets upset often and usually when she's about to do something new, there's a new change etc. The counselor talked to her about some things she could do about her nervous stomach like: meditation, mindfulness, breathing excercises, focusing on the present, talking about the "facts" (for instance: has anyone ever harmed you when you've gone to camp in the past? No. and focusing on that). All great ideas. I got to thinking two things: #1 I used to be good at talking my ex-husband (their Dad, ex #1) through his anxiety attacks in the beginning. Sometime during our marriage I wasn't good at that anymore and instead I started struggling with increased anxiety of my own (long story with the 1st ex). #2 If I am working on my own anxiety HOW can I help my daughter figure her own out?? #3 I felt that weight of guilt over letting the 2nd ex into our lives because of him and my daughters' paternal grandfather they both have to deal with things no child should.
I feel like the worst Mother and again for the thousandth time I wonder if my daughters would be better raised with my 1st ex (their Dad). He has his faults, but I'm not much better. This feeling has been coming up now and then since disclosure. My daughters tell me they'd rather live with me. They like the quiet and more privacy they have with me. I wonder if its because they don't want to change school districts is the only reason. Idk
I can only hope that you will be able to step back and consider where your daughters would be without your intervention. You have believed and supported them when they needed help, and worked your heart out to help them feel stable (INCLUDING keeping them in their schools). NONE of us is perfect == and this crime makes damn sure we are very clear about that. Your "the best I can do" is likely no worse than anyone else's, as long as they love their children and work as hard as you have to help them.
Guilt is two emotions at once: shame plus anger directed inward. Another form of anger directed inward is depression. You have nothing to be ashamed of -- you didn't do this, the perpetrator did. For that reason, your anger should be directed at the perpetrator. Try dealing with each of these "sub-emotions" (shame and anger) separately and you may find your sense of guilt diminish.
MANY hugs to you.