First I want to say how sorry I am.My daughter told her best friend who told her she had to tell me.My question is why don't they tell? My daughter now has a lot of guilt because she didn't tell us sooner.She could have been out of that situation 2 years earlier.I cring to think that didn't know.She would sometimes cry for no reason and she told me yesterday there was a reason,the abuse..

I was treating my 8 yo son for a rash near his privates. He didn't want to show me his privates. I thought he was just becoming aware of modesty. Then he said "I just don't want to tell you my secret".

Within a week my other 2 children came forward.

I ask you, Wolverine, what can we do for our kids to understand it is okay to speak up? The first time? Even the second time? My children knew it was wrong. Why were they afraid to tell me sooner? I am thankful they finally did.

My one son had a breakdown just before he left for college, and my husband was able to get him to disclose. Shortly after that, the whole truth came out that the other 2 were abused as well, But they were adults by then, so they were the only ones that could make decisions regarding what to do about it and how to handle it...

Lusks, my answer to that is that we ought to give children the "good touch bad touch" talk both when they're little, as well as in every school from kindergarten to 12th grade with age-appropriate topics. My parents figured that since we lived in a small town where nothing bad ever happens and is the kind of place where people move to to get away from that sort of thing, they never saw the need to talk about it.

From what it sounds like, Lusks, your son may have been manipulated. The abuser will tell the child that he'll kill him/her/their parents/pets if they tell anyone. Best way to combat that is to teach kids about manipulation tactics and that its always okay to tell.

As they get older and into middle/high school years, at that point we can teach our sons and daughters about dating/partner violence as well as rape/no means no. This stuff really ought to be taught in schools and if the kids learn early in life that it's something not to get all red in the face about, it'll be easier for them to talk to their kids about. Just my .02

My daughter and I were casually talking about body safety (I was getting her dressed and she was touching her self - which led to the discussion that 'you can touch yourself, but no one else should touch you') and she disclosed that she touched her 14 year old cousins 'tootie' - and then clarified to 'penis. The rest was the continuation of our nightmare and she disclosed much more to the forensic interview. Just tonight she said "mom, can you scratch my butt" - and I said "no", she put her hand up for a high 5, said she was "testing" me - she is now VERY aware of body safety and knows that we don't keep secrets - and that she can tell me anything.

Wolverine, I might never have known, but for the fact that my adult daughter was being prescribed an insane amount of anti anxiety medication following a near-fatal car accident, and was taking painkillers as well. Okay, let me back up a bit...actually, it was about two weeks BEFORE her accident that she told me that she was molested by a slightly younger neighbor boy. That was shocking enough. But it wasn't until a couple of months after the accident that she told me that there was more. She was not in her right mind, to be sure, but when she told me that her nightmare started when the boy's father raped her vaginally and orally, I knew immediately that it was true -- I remembered the day when it happened, when she ran home screaming that she was hurt, said she had "fallen" at the boy's house (no, in fact, the father had slapped her and thrown her on the floor afterward to make sure she knew how violent he could be, and that he could follow up on his threat to kill our whole family if she told). So, yeah, I would say that fear of reprisal is a real motivating factor in staying secret forever.

Finding out that our daughter had been raped when she was under ten years old was the worst news we had ever heard. However, it did put into perspective why she had turned to addictive drugs several years ago. As several therapists have mentioned to me, "that's not behavior we expect in children from loving families," which ours was. In fact, where addiction arises, a history of sexual abuse should almost always be the first consideration. But, as others above have shared, there were plenty of other puzzling behaviors that might have clued us in; we took her to several therapists, but she never opened up to them either. Why should she trust a "stranger" with information she could not share with the people who knew and adored her?

This is such a destructive epidemic. My heart goes out to you. I hope you have been able to find a peaceful path in your life, and that you shower yourself with love.

We found out because our son started having major mood swings that seemed to come out of nowhere. My SIL had just had sexual abuse prevention training and recognized the mood swings as a potential warning sign. I took my son aside privately and asked him--with some coaxing he was able to tell me. Although I don't like dealing with the issues it has caused him, I'm thankful that we found out. I can't imagine what would have happened if he'd had to carry that burden alone.

Mom456, sadly, I think I could give you a pretty good idea -- from our experience -- about what would have happened if he'd had to carry that burden alone. I am relieved for him, and for you, that you know now and can process this in a health-giving way.

By the way, I coaxed, too, wondering why it seemed that my daughter seemed so sad sometimes, but she would only give answers about drama between her and her friends, etc. She was desperately afraid for our lives, and I'm sure she was ashamed as well, because I'm sure that monster made her believe that she was to blame for her fate. So, sometimes survivors simply believe that they can and should NEVER tell, and so they hold on to it. Some are able to choose a positive path. Most, I suspect, follow a path lined with pain, fear, and a sense of inadequacy. Wolverine, please do whatever it takes to seek out the former.

My daughter disclosed at age 12, one year after divorcing my husband the perpetrator, her adopted father.
She was taught good touch bad touch but she was a scared 5 year old. You are correct in stating many do not disclose and seemingly less for boys to do so. I have met several adult men who now share their story after decades of holding the secret. The shame binds so many.
There is so much work that needs to be done around prevention and awareness. These victims are survivors and trying to survive means many things when you are being abused. I am still amazed at how many people think it can't happen to their child because they are protective. It is very important for the public to realize that most perpetrators are close to the victim whether it is family or friends. And it is always someone they trust. As a mother of a child victim, I taught her about strangers and dangers. I thought I knew my ex inside and out. He was my best friend. I never imagined he could be her abuser. Much much needed awareness everywhere.

Also, you were brave to disclose even if it wasn't your mom. This is brave and takes great strength. My heart goes out to you.

By the grace of God I found out because my step dad had stupidly not realized my brother was logged onto his computer in Google and all of his nasty searches were recorded In my brothers history. My daughter was two turning three. She had been having odd nightmares where she would be crying and saying I just want to sleep...I didn't have a clue until my brother told me and it all fell into place. A few months later she finally told me but I also made it safe for her to do so and was aware that something happened. Her disclosure confirmed it And broke me into a million pieces by what he did far worse than I'd imagined.

Merrylegsmom, I disclosed much later in life. Made it even worse for my mom.

I am very sorry for your Mom, Wolverine. I understand her pain. All those years and years when she could have helped, wasted because you were made to believe that you should never tell. Everything that for 16 years I had thought about my being a good, responsive, protective parent turned out to be a lie. Because my child was terrorized, I was not allowed to help her when she was in desperate pain. I was not allowed to help her grow up knowing that what happened to her was not her fault, and that she deserves only good treatment from others.

To be clear, though, disclosing was a GOOD thing, because I am sure that your disclosure solved many puzzles for your mother. Why did he behave the way he did? Why was he sometimes inexplicably sad or nervous or sleepless or sick or in pain? In hindsight, every single symptom of PTSD was there in my daughter, but I simply thought she was jealous of her special needs baby sister, or allergic to things, or experiencing growing pains, or that she had inherited the family tendency toward anxiety/depression. We spent a lot of time with doctors, and, eventually, with therapists, but she never told them anything, either, so there was never any progress toward an answer.....

Several years ago, we did get the diagnosis from one of her therapists that she had "borderline personality disorder." Take a brief glance at the symptoms of that disorder and you'll realize: it's PTSD, but diagnosed in a way that blames the patient for being "irrational." My guess is that all "borderline" people have been traumatized.

I was searching my daughter's ipod as she was acting out and I wanted to figure out why. I found a message that she sent to a friend about "what her father did to her". When I asked her, she disclosed some of the story. It took months of counseling to get the full story out.