Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
You guys, I am so excited to share this news with you guys!
I found out that, definitively, the leader of the Children's Group has asked monster boy to not come back to club this year!
****Yahoo-WOOO-WOOO-YIPPEE-HIP-HIP-HOORAY!!!!!!!****
This might seem like nothing to most people but for our family it's a sense of justice portrayed. Basically we went through a trial and had to prove our case. And the truth prevailed! Most importantly, the reason I wanted to share this with you guys, is because I know many of you struggle with the concept of sharing your child's story with others. I wanted to encourage you to not be ashamed of what your child has survived! Your child is a SURVIVOR not a victim and they should not be afraid to be who they are and have that piece of their history blend into their present and future. There abuse is going to make them stronger people and it's going to empower people around them to make sure that they will never be in those kinds of situations where pain and suffering and loss will be felt.
**Do you know why this leader decided to change his mind? Because other parents rocked the boat for me! Other parents called and told them that they were concerned about the safety of their children, their little girls being harmed, the dismissal of such serious claims that occurred on their property, under their leadership! And after getting enough calls from OTHER parents... not to mention the families that chose not to come back this year, including us... the message was heard loud and clear: MONSTER BOY NEEDS TO LEAVE OR WE WILL!
This is truth in action. This is the reason why my children and I and my husband allowed ourselves to be vulnerable enough to share with those around us that could be affected by this other family if we did not tell them. This is why we went to the leader of the kid's group, the youth pastor and the pastor of this church and told them point-blank how bad the abuse had been so they understood it was not a childhood curiosity! We wanted to keep other kids from getting harmed. And even though this might be the smallest victory, IT IS A VICTORY! Monster boy's family is feeling the consequences of attempting to sweep all of this horrible abuse under the rug and act as if life was normal! They were not even at Club this past week which makes me even happier because possibly they won't send their other kids as well which is all the better for anyone that interacts with their family based upon how they deal with this abuse.
COURAGE. You can have courage and overcome that feeling of despair. Overcome those feelings of Shame. You can take a stand and help protect other families from feeling the pain that your child has, that you have, by being courageous and telling at least the Bare Basics of your story. Go to those in leadership and share with them your concerns about your perpetrator...ESPECIALLY if your perp is a child! There is nothing wrong with using your First Amendment right to share your story and the facts. (How many times CPS was called, whether the investigation is active or has been looked into, what your child said happened to them, how the perpetrators family has ignored your family after the fact and showed no concern, basic facts, etc.)
Sometimes we are the only difference between a child who's going to be sexually abused or live a normal life. Secrets hurt...don't keep them. Expose the abuser for who they are!
While I understand your passion to achieve such an outcome, I hope you will be cautious about sharing your children's information further. Once, when our family was socializing with another family we had known for a few years, we'd been laughing like idiots in a public place. Out of the blue, the child of the other family said, cheerfully, "I'm adopted." I immediately dismissed the child's remark as the kind of funny thing kids say when they're embarrassed by their parents -- you know, "I'm not related to them!" Anyway, the child looked like a combination of both parents, so it couldn't be true. Later, the mom told me, yes, her child really was adopted, but, she said, "it wasn't my story to tell." That's always stuck with me throughout this nightmare: as much as I want to warn everyone in my old community about the Nazi, I know it's not what my daughter would wish. Partly, it's because she's still scared of him, 18 years later -- if she tells (and there's no way to put him in prison now), he could carry out his threat to kill her and us. About a year after disclosure, she reported the crimes to the police in that town, but they could find no way to arrest him, so he's still on the loose. And if we spread the word about him, we could be sued for slander -- and unless someone else were brave enough to come forward, in spite of his terroristic threats, we'd very likely lose.
Your situation is quite different because Monster is still a child -- AND you have (tragically) other victim-witnesses to corroborate the actuality of the abuse. Still, our children's histories belong to them, and they should have some say about whether their stories will become public knowledge.
I completely agree with you and everything that I have ever told anybody has been approved by my children before I did with the exception of obviously my husband the detective and CPS. I don't know if you remember but my kids were the ones that told the children's leader and one of their old teachers of that group their story! They are not ashamed because of the way that their dad and I have handled the situation.
And I think it's very important when choosing which friends/family you want to remain your friends/family, that you let them in, like I said, on the basics. The full story including all the details... That is your child's to tell when they're ready to and if they want to. The fact that this happened to me also...because these are my children and I have also had to bear the pain of my children being physically and sexually and emotionally abused by friends that were my best friends sometimes right under my nose and me seeing the end of the story & now knowing the beginning and middle due to disclosures...that is MY story to tell.
We told who we needed to tell to effect change and keep others safe. Even when calling the parents of the other abused kids I shared minimal details of what happened to my children but gave a generalized "they (not specifically who) were violently, sexually abused by monster boy."
Don't worry...part of why it took so long to get the church to believe is because I was torn over telling details to people I didn't feel needed to actually know because I wanted to protect my kid's privacy...but I'm glad I got over that! I know having an adult perpetrator is different but my message is the same: empower your children to be survivors, unashamed of the truth instead of shamed victims hiding their true identity.
Sorry about your situation...on so many levels.
So, I'll end my comment as you began yours -- I completely agree with you, too! And you -- all of you --deserve this moment of celebration. You've faced too many reasons for despair, and yet you are ALL survivors.
The kids from the family that monster boy's family had gotten all close to this past year! The very little girl that monster boy's sister, (I'll call her monster girl from now on), HAD to go to OUR church group for last year, which was why monster mom went back on her word of letting US go, SHE LEFT THE LOCAL CHURCH and came to this other kid's group at a different church! I know that her mom knows about the issues and that one of my friends had given her a book to read with her kids. ("God made all of me" about body safety.) I also know that this mom said after learning about the problems "ah-ha! now I understand some of the things I just couldn't quite put my finger on."
Do you know what this means?! THIS family ALSO stood up to the local church and LEFT to make a statement that monster family needs to leave! It also hints to me that these children might have become victims like I'd suspected because if this parent felt that monster girl was still safe to be around, with monster boy not at the kid's group, she would have stayed at our local church program. Surely, this family has seen the truth and believed it otherwise they wouldn't have changed club locations!
Now, the weird part is that I have yet to actually meet with this parent and I'm sure, if her children are anything like my kids, they will go home and tell her about us being there and she'll put two and two together. So, down the rabbit hole I'll travel again...if she approaches me...next week is the parent meeting so it's highly likely. I just hope I stay pure in my responses and don't spew slanderous comments about my ex-best-friend, monster mom. I'm hoping to hear from my other friends that monster family didn't show up again to the kid's club this week. I'm hoping they're starting to get the message! YOU CAN'T COVER UP THE TRUTH anymore! Still no word from our detective or the DA and it's been almost a month. Patience is so hard...