I can relate to this. I think sometimes we need someone to blame for things in our life whether we realize it or not. When we can't explain or understand something we search for answers and sometimes they aren't there. I think dads come out of this feeling they failed to protect and that is hard for a man to swallow. We are more concerned with the emotional aspects and what will happen in the future and what to do next. At least this has been my experience. My husband was raised not to show his emotions and to just carry on with life and that has put a strain on things for me because I want to see that he is as emotional about this as me. I really feel like the father/daughter relationship is so important, especially after the abuse, because our girls need to know what a loving relationship is and what to look for in a relationship in the future.

Sooooo.....this is part of the fallout of this tragedy. Mbadger correctly identified how moms and dads can react to disclosure and its aftermath in fundamentally different ways. The timing couldn't be worse -- just when you would most hope to huddle like teammates, you and your husband run off to opposite corners of the field. In addition to the heightened alert level to emotions and the need to plan, moms respond to the (unwarranted but unavoidable) guilt, as well as the anger and helplessness they feel, by becoming overwhelmed and depressed. As a mom, I felt like a failure for not understanding the signs that were flashing at me for all those years -- for being so naive that I never considered sexual abuse -- I lost self-respect.That's a first step to depression. I think disclosure and the aftermath are hard for fathers for the same reason mbadger mentioned -- because they failed to protect -- but it may go beyond that, because they were actually robbed of the opportunity to protect. Everyone in the family of an abused child has been robbed -- everyone has been victimized, had his or her dreams (and illusions) yanked away. Whatever positive role we thought was ours to play, we discover we performed with complete inadequacy. So we parents (and unharmed siblings) are left feeling weak and needy. When you try to lean on your partner only to find no support, you continue to fall. The disappointment of that experience creates resentment and the sense that everything good in life is falling apart, so you only feel worse. It doesn't help when your natural allies (your own, happy family) are far away, because then you feel as if you have no one dependable within reach.

Both moms and dads can benefit from counseling in this situation. Have you found someone for yourself yet?

You ought not get distracted from where to channel the blame - the perp.
Every time you get upset at your family, you're making the perp happy and successful.
I got upset with my family plenty but by reminding myself at the end of the day that this is a wave of sh&@ caused by the perp and the perp should be the recipient of my anger, it helped me to preserve and forgive my relationships and my family. Your kids need your family together. Your husband may be weaker than you in fighting this or considering your child's needs... But wouldn't you feel ashamed of yourself if your husband "momed" better than you?

My husband actually blames the boy's father,my husband's brother who
has since deceased.Oh he blames the boy for sure but the father failed as a father.He always had a "take what you want"attitude snd raised the boys that way,let them watch things that were very inappropriate for children and treated their mother,his wife, poorly.And it dies not help that my mother in law clearly supports the abuser.I heard my husband once on the phone and he said he felt guilty because he sent our daughter back in that room to play so many times.Funny thing is he wanted to cut his family out of our lives long ago,he has always been at odds with them,I am the one who was the mediator because I always felt that family was important and wanted my daughter to have a sense of family,like I had as a child.I know we need to rely on each otherbut sometimes I feel like telling him"this was your family who did this",

I endorse every opinion here. Our marital relationship was really strained after disclosure(s) for all the above mentioned reasons. If I managed to stay firm and solid and to keep our nuclear family together in spite of the horror, the chaos, etc. it was because: i) our children needed us together, ii) we really love each other, and, iii) citing 96, because I decided we would NOT allow our abusers (at first we only new of my father in law, and after several months, of his wife as well) to feel happy and successful thorough this kind of prolonged abuse (tearing us apart). The abuses ended with disclosure. It is now time for them to suffer, not us. It is time for them to agonize over what sentence they will receive. This past week I decided to stop checking the criminal process status online (we are still waiting for the judge s decision about perp number one) something I was checking the courts website on my smartphone up to 5 times per day. The waiting was killing me, now I prioritize husband and kids, and myself, for a change.

… I forgot to say… we have the blessing that, with the sad exception of our brave and smart 96, none of the perps were our husbands… a true blessing.

Excellent priorities, 3Musq. Self-care is a decision, not a gift dropped in our paths. Even if we won the lottery, which would do the most to further healing -- spending that money on the best attorneys money could buy, or taking the whole family on the vacation of a lifetime? Focusing on what brings peace and joy....is more likely to bring peace and joy. You want to build new, happy memories.

To your point about fathers, I will never know the pain of knowing that a family member sexually abused my child. We are lucky -- so lucky -- that our family remains intact, and that is a source of inestimable strength and peace. At the same time, the ravages of sexual abuse on the victim are the same, and left untreated (if disclosure is delayed for years, which is common, as was the case for our daughter) they can lead to life-threatening circumstances that will radiate into the fabric of the family -- destroying health, trust, and finances. The healing process is all-consuming. I know you know all about my daughter's and family's story from previous posts, but I wanted to post this statement on behalf of all families whose lives have been shattered by a non-related offender. We have had to learn the same new behaviors and ways of thinking as any other survivor family in order to regain our forward momentum. It's taken us three years so far. We are a little stronger every day.

Yes we are, dear Naive > a little stronger every day…

I have a few things I'd like to add that might give you some insight.

1) My husband and I's relationship was not perfect before disclosure. Partly due to life throwing us SO many curve balls in the form of health problems and financial strains but also partly due to having never worked through things from our past when we got married. His mantra that he's quoted continually during this whole ordeal has been "I'm putting us on hold while we focus on the kids." SOMEhow he has the ability to literally shut "us" down and just be dad with me, mom. I am not able to function this way and I've tried to explain to him that if we wait until "all this" blows over we will be old and gray and have a worse marriage for it. I know the life-time implications that sexual abuse brings so I choose to work on my marriage whenever I have a few minutes without children (which is OH SO rare!) I gently have been pushing him out of his comfort zone but for heaven's sake!...I can NOT wait to have sex or communication until the PTSD has resolved or reunification has been achieved, etc. He basically can not be intimate with me in any way besides holding hands and pecks on the mouth because he doesn't feel he has the ability to work through his issues with me because the kids zap so much energy out of him. I understand, I get it, but part of my motivation is that I WILL NOT let a 10 year old evil pervert destroy my marriage from within my own home! He already stole 3 of my children's innocence, security, childhood (having to have "the talk" with a 4 or 9 year old was not in the plans!), faith in people...so I stay in this marriage because I love my husband, our children need stability, I have hope that time will heal us and I'm not going to become another notch on the little creep's list of people he hurt!

2) I totally get what Naive1 is saying about being in opposite corners of this battle! My husband and I approach things SO differently. I have always been a turn-your-lemons-into-lemonade and let the world know how kind of gal and my hubby is a try to put it all behind and move on kind of guy. He says he hates "drama" but funny enough I've learned that "drama" is anything that does not feel peaceful, even being called out on doing something wrong or me crying because I'm exhausted is "drama." You can imagine his fear of coming home to 2 children with PTSD, 1 with OCD style anxiety, all struggling with depression, a wife dealing with anxiety AND a non-helpful psychopathic dad and a local narcissistic mom, as well as a loud and trouble-making toddler. But he comes home after work...every day...and gives as much as he's able to give...every day...and he tried to be there for all of use...every day...while continuing to pour himself into a steady job to provide for our family...every day. I guess I'm just trying to remind you to be grateful that your husband is trying to reach out and make time for you! He's doing the best he can not really knowing how to deal with everything that was thrown at him WHILE still bringing home the bacon...every day. Tell him thank-you next time he extends that offer to go to Walmart and gently let him down, after sharing how much you appreciate him trying to connect with you on an intimate level, reminding him that your daughter's need to be with one of you takes precedence at the moment. Don't let your perp eat at your marriage too! Don't give him that power! Your husband is the same man you loved before disclosure and he has done nothing but try to figure out to ride out this storm, that by the way there is no manual for! All guys tend to want to fix and sexual abuse is not really something you can fix...you have to be patient and go through a LOT of turmoil to even feel like some type of fix has begun! So give him grace...and even mercy when needed. Maybe he saw that you were more stressed than normal so he was wanting to give you a break?

3) I'm sure you've heard it enough in my comments but I'm going to reiterate this:
Don't give your daughter's perpetrator more power than he's already stolen! I tell my kids all the time, even during a PTSD attack, that when they hurt those around them they are allowing monster boy to win even more because it's not their siblings/friends/family that they are struggling with, it's the memories of the evil that monster boy perpetrated on them. We don't give him any more power than he's already stolen and even THAT we are re-gaining by telling/sharing the truth! I don't feel that anger is the right thing to feel towards perps because it steals precious energy that we need to continue to survive. I know that's a NORMAL feeling but in our home we've been trying to apply Luke 6:27, 28:

“But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you."

Every time I start being angry about my best friend's betrayal and how she never told me what my children told her about the abuse, I start to pray for her instead. I pray that God would open her eyes to the truth and impress it upon her conscience to tell/accept the truth. I pray that she'd listen to her children if they've disclosed to her and get them real help! I pray that ultimately she'd find salvation through this struggle. My kids pray for monster boy to be honest and tell somebody the truth about not only what he did but also what happened to him. We pray that he'd get help and not hurt anyone else. We pray that God would give them the ability to forgive him. We pray for his salvation. It has really helped them to not be so mean to each other by approaching it this way.

I hope all of these posts have brought you some comfort and even strength so that you can go back into life with a renewed sense of purpose: don't let the perp continue to hurt your family! ;) <3

Our abuser is my husband's father. That is almost as bad as having it be my husband, for he acts and talks and looks just like his dad. It has been a long and grueling trial on our marriage. Some days I think I just can't do this anymore. He is a good husband and father but has a lot to work on, which he does not. He is a drinker and the kids are beginning to see his alcohol problems and his not following through with what he says he will do, etc. I have become too tired to fight for my marriage, after fighting for my children, and now for my own happiness. Worried about my marriage for sure.

OP- Speaking from my own experiences, it's likely a lack of communication. When my daughter disclosed and my world fell apart my husband was not supportive in my eyes. He was cold and distant and focused on anything but what was wrong. He didn't listen to me grieve. I felt abandoned and alone. I acted out and started drinking and saught comfort in other people. I basically lost myself for a few years in a terrible spiral of guilt and self pity. I resented my husband for not being there for me. We were on the brink of divorce when we finally went to marriage counseling. It took a few months for us to cover all the pain and misunderstandings.
Turns out that as a man- he is a problem solver. He cannot listen to hours of my feelings and fears without thinking that by saying them I am somehow asking for his help. He was trying to help me by redirecting my attention because that is what he does when he has a problem he can't solve. He was not able to deal with his own feelings of guilt for not protecting his step daughter. Most of the big hurts I saw one way, he saw another. His logic was flawed of course because I don't deal with problems the same way he does. Now when I start to talk about something thats really emotional he does ask me, is there something I can do to help this get better or do you juat need me to listen? It's been rough. Dealing with my daughters many issues that resulted from her bio fathers actions has been hardest on my marriage. But my family was a priority and I couldn't image coming through it having lost another father figure. We both needed my husband more than we knew. Three years ago I was sure I would be getting a divorce. Now we are renewing our vows. Please hang in there BonnieBoo. If he's trying you might just need to tell him how he can help best. Some guys just really don't know.

lusks1, have you ever gently approached the subject of sexual abuse with your husband? Maybe that's why he drinks? Maybe he was also abused? I'm sorry that your husband resembles his dad as I can imagine the difficulty with that. Personally, our oldest son also molested our daughter and we are in the midst of reunification which is going well. There was a time when I was so angry at him that I didn't want to see him...but then I began to understand that the reason he and she acted out together was partly due to her instigating because of the long-time abuse she'd been going through with monster boy. Everyone has apologized and forgiven each other and my son returns to California in less than 2 weeks. He'll move in once we get therapists to sign off on it. (All my kids just acquired their therapists.) I know the feeling of tired...but I fight so that monster boy's family doesn't win! If I give up, they win. <3

Warreormomx5 Thank you for your reply. Yes, we have spoken about it but he refuses to admit he was abused. Several years ago he was actively seeing a therapist. It was going great until she told him she wanted to start exploring his relationship with his dad using EMDR. She felt he was repressing something. He never went back to see her after that. I've spent our entire relationship dealing with his "issues" and trying to make him happy. It was working until the abuse of our children. I no longer have the energy to put into him and he refuses to work on himself. I love him dearly and am not this cold when speaking to him and interacting with him. I am trying to work on our marriage, by trying to work on myself. Which he will not do.

Lusks1, I'm so sorry! Yeah, it sounds like your babies aren't the first victim even if the abuse wasn't sexual in nature. My husband has had to work through so much with all this stuff coming out (but he's never been sexually abused.) You're doing good working on you and the kids. I'm glad to hear you still love on your hubby...kill him with kindness so to speak...stay strong.

It is a sad thing that this affects marriages so, even when our husbands are not the abusers.I think I kind of blame my husband,it is his family that did this,his brothers son,it is his parents who are supporting the abuser.I know it is mot his fault but I sometimes can't help how I feel,