Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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jennifermom 11/28/2011

So, my daughter is 9 years old now. She was abused by her brother for approx. 2 years from about age 6 - 8 or so. She disclosed to me one year ago today. Well, the date is tomorrow, but it was the Monday after Thanksgiving that she came to me and told me. Anyway. She has been in counseling for about 8 months or so, but has yet to discuss what happened. She does play therapy, which is awkward for a 9 year old. She says she feels silly just sitting and playing in front of her therapist. She is tired of getting pulled out of school for it and tired of sitting there. She doesn't want to talk about it, and hasn't really bonded with her therapist.

Meanwhile, her brother's therapist (he is in a residential treatment program) says he is close to being finished with the program. He wants to have the "clarification" meeting. I read that the biggest indicator that therapy will be successful for someone is if they bond with the therapist. She hasn't. Her brother's therapist has been really helpful with our whole family even though only me and his dad go to the family therapy sessions right now. He gave me a "letter" to have her fill out. It gives sentences for her to finish, such as:

It made me angry when you ______________________________

I have given it a lot of thought and I think it may jump start her to do this letter. Her older sister was not abused but has been having a hard time with everything that has happened (my husband got sick 2 days after my youngest daughter disclosed and is still trying to recover - hence little money, stress, etc.), and she is a hormonal teenage girl. She has bonded with this therapist even though she has only seen her a few times. I have decided to have the older sister take the standing appointment every other Monday that we have set up. The therapist says that this is OK. I didn't explain that I was pulling the little sister because I don't think she has bonded with her, but I am going to try to seek out a different therapist if I decide to send her back.

This brings me (FINALLY!) to my question for you guys: Is it wrong to pull her out of therapy? I put her in it because I was afraid to do nothing. But I haven't seen any results and she has begun to complain about going. I think some time off and then maybe starting with another therapist that does more than just "play" therapy when the time is right might be a good way to go, what do you think?

deleted_user 11/28/2011

Jennifermom,

I agree with your decision. I think it's a good idea to give it a rest and/or change to anoher therapist. Is there a group session she can attend with other children after she has rested for a while? Trust your instincts as her mother. I've had therapist that I can not get any where with because we clash. I'm sure children are the same way. Good luck with your decision.

deleted_user 11/30/2011

it can be very expensive, and if it is not helping then you are just wasting money. There are other alternatives to her healing. My daughter was in therapy and he had it stopped claiming i was having her hypnotized to testify against him. Go figure. She didnt start therapy until after everything surfaced anyways. She is not in it now anyways, because no-one i pick is ever good enough for him and his attny. I dont think my daughter really likes therapy anyways. I think as she gets older she may decide she will want to go again, but for now, i am not into forcing her into any situation she does not want to be in. That's HIS job....My job is to love her and support her, and remind her she is beautiful and she did nothing wrong, she is brave and truthful and for that she should always be proud of herself, I am.

Bandmom5 11/30/2011

Hi Jen, I agree that it seems it may be a waste of time and money for your 9 yr old--it's weird the therapist hasn't moved from play therapy to something more age appropriate, like art or music therapy, storytelling, etc. Are you eligible to use victims of crime compensation office funding? If your son was charged I think you are, depending on your state. The prosecutor's office usually has the list of participating therapists with that program; the 2 my son saw were great. It may be an avenue to pursue if and when your younger daughter is ready. It sounds like she needs to try a differnet counselor if she hasn't bonded with this one, but probably after a respite from therapy. Good luck with this, my heart and prayers go out to you and your family :0)

jennifermom 11/30/2011

Thanks for the comments, it helps in situations like this to get other ideas and perspectives. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't second guess myself, but this isn't something normal - it is something no one can be prepared for. We are eligible for victims compensation, plus she is on CHIP insurance, which in my state is health insurance for kids. So, in this one instance, thank heavens, cost is not an issue really. I think I am doing the right thing giving her a break. We started the letter I talked about and it brought out emotions that no therapy session ever has. She was teary eyed, but at least she was feeling it. I think she needs to feel it in order to let it out. If she continues on the the way she has, she just stuffs it all down and ignores it. That was ok for this past year, but I don't think it will be good for her in the future to continue to ignore and stuff the feelings down. She asked to work on the letter and I let her decide after she filled in one line if she wanted to do another. She continued on for approx 5 of 6 lines, so I feel like it was good progress. More progress than I think all of the months of therapy have had. Thanks for the encouragement and advice. It really helps to have you guys to bounce ideas off of. Love to all of you today! Jen

deleted_user 11/30/2011

You are so right, there is no preparing for something like this. I agree, trust your gut. 8 months is a long time to get no where. Plus it will give your daughter the wrong impression on therapists and therapy. Ask her what she needs, has anyone asked her what her idea of therapy should be like? It might make it feel like less of a burden if she feels she has a say in it a little. Just a suggestion :) My son has started talking after 6 sessions, he was a clam the first 5. I know every child is different but there has to be some progress before she gets too good at stuffing it then god forbid she hides it completely and it resurfaces at a later date and becomes disastrous.

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