Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
So 3 weeks ago today I walked into my 15 year old steps sons( I have raised him for 13 years as my own) room where he and his 4 year old brother were watching a movie and the 15 year shot up off the bed asked what was going to be told nothing just watching a movie I said your brother couldn't possibly see the movie with you laying in front of him my gut was telling me differently I flicked the light on to find my 4 year with his pants down and erected penis I made him get up and come to my all while I seen red asking the 15 year old what was going to to be told nothing once again took my little man to the lounge room and asked him what was going on only for him to cover his face and tell me nothing. I went back and asked the 15 year old why they both had erect penis to be told he didn't know.
I rang my husband and told him what I have found and he was away for work all week. He tried to ring around for help only to be told he needed to ring CPS but wouldn't
On the Wednesday Mr 4 and I were playing on his leap pad with a game about hurting his friends so I just asked him "does he hurt his friends?" "no" "does his friends hurt him?" "no" "does his sister hurt you?" "no" "does your brother hurt you?" "yes" "what does he do?" "he plays rub rub and puts his mouth on it but he said not to tell cause I will get in trouble". I reassured him that he wasn't in any trouble. I was insistly so sick I just cried and cried.
Finally after a week hubby made the call to CPS and Mr 4 was interviewed by the police were he disclosed other information to them. Mr 15 was put on 2 charges remanded in custody and sent to juvenile detention at the time it was hubby's choice. But since then it has been 1 big nightmare my parents have sided with Mr 15 cause he isn't your average 15 year he is way behind and he doesn't belong in juvenile detention and they want to bail him out and now so does hubby. I understand how hard it must be for him but there is also a victim here that they are forgetting about I seem to be the only 1 who cares. I'm still very angry and emotional about it all and can never see my self forgiving or mothering Mr 15 again but my question is how do I support hubby as he still wants to see him and support him but for the life of me I just can't seem to do it for him. Our marriage is very fragile ATM. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I have SO much I want to talk you through but my main question is what do you mean the teen is "way behind?" Because if he is mentally not a 15 year old, it could be him acting out on your younger son abusive acts that someone else has done on him! Long story short, I had 3 kids perpetrated on by a who we call "monster family." They all 3 acted out sexually with other siblings, including my daughter who actually instigated the stuff with her oldest brother (who had also just finished cancer treatment of a year), therefore, due to the stories that we knew & reported per our kid's own words, the police dismissed charges.
Our 15 year old son moved out of our home for a year to allow him sister healing time, (our choice as CPS had offered to let him stay in the home), but he is now living in our home totally repented and humble and everyone gets along "normally" again.
Of course a LOT went into getting there, including me accepting him back emotionally as well as everyone getting therapy, and I'll explain that again in the future. Safety plan included.
Be mama bear but try to see your step son through the eyes of possibly being a victim himself...that does not mean there aren't consequences for what he did to your precious baby but it does mean he might not be some crazy pervert! I agree with Hopeful about your victimized son coming first! Please feel free to ask me any questions. Again, I am so sorry...
I'm sure others have told you but I'll say it again, none of this is your fault and you did the right thing getting help for the 15 year old and keeping your child safe!
My step son abused my child and it's very emotionally fatiguing to deal with that and just get through it. In fact, I haven't gotten over it and neither has my daughter or stepson even though it was 10 months ago. It's a long process and you need a lot of support. See a counselor and surround yourself with supportive people, asap!
Your priority is not your husband, not your stepson but your child. So filter everything through that lense and do whatever it takes to make him feel loved, safe and supportive. If that means not seeing family that is not supportive and not seeing your stepson, then so be it! Your son (and your own health) is the priority.
My children were required to live separately and both needed intensive counseling. My husband was more focused on our stepson & I am more focused on our daughter which ultimately led us to divorce and me to move closer to my supportive family.
I hope and pray that your son heals and that you heal from this!
M
Mr 15 had a rocky 1st 3 years his sister was 24/7 care and pass away his bio mother walked out when he was 6 mths old came back but continued the pattern of in and out until hubby and I got together then she walked out for good well until now. As far as we are aware nothing like this has happened to him.
We have spent years trying to get help for him knowing something wasn't right. 5 years of speech therapy where they found he has delayed processing, seen 3 different phycologist all to be told he was normal. He struggles at school and we have had the school counsellor tell us he is mentally 3 years behind his peers.
Mr 4 is safe as Mr 15 has been removed from the home and has a no contact order for 12 months. At this point while he is in there they are doing all the necessary assessments on him. There is no help for a adolescent sexual predator in our local area so he is going to have to move away to go to a facility that can help.
Yes my parents are supporting the offender.
I just can't see myself ever allowing him back into my life or forgiving for what he has done. I have told hubby I don't want to know what he is doing or if he is going to visit but it just seems he can't help himself to tell it's a bit like rubbing it into my face.
As for living separately if he gets out I can't see our marriage lasting this way cause life will become very difficult for like school holidays family holidays. And cause there is already some jealousy issues with Miss 10 and her dad helping Mr 15.
I still have a week to go before we start counselling.
Your journey from here can go so many ways and only time will tell where it will end, I'm glad you have got therapy and hope it helps I was an emotional wreck the first one I went to so tissues at hand !
My marriage is changing due to abuse and I understand how you may struggle with the fact your husband and yourself are doing things differently. Mine won't see a counsellor as he feels he couldn't talk to anyone, in fact he hasn't told anyone at all so has no support. But me (he seems to think) or rather it's not talked about.
Hang in there and use us all to talk to when you need it. Xx
I It is so hard when a mother refuses to accept her kids got sexually abused. It happened to me when I was 8 until I was twelve. My mother refused to tell my dad. It was a forbidden secret. So since my mother refused to do anything after they went to bed I took my eddy bear and blanket and curled up on the sofa every night. when I saw my day go to work early early morning I went back to my room, which was a closet. How crazy is that! I never had a good relationship with my mother or my brothers.
I was raped at 15 by my brother s bf aand so I had to run away from home. I was pregnant, no where to go. to this day my family is messed up. My mom passed away and all of the abuser went to the funeral , I never went but the one who abused me is now great friends with my son, who was molested by my bf when I was in hospital and he was to be at my mothers. It kills me I am sure my son knows of the abuse I suffered but can't believe all swept under rug. I feel for you. if you can get a counsellor and journal, I am in Canada I was going to get my brother charged but there's a time limit on how long it can be and if they can be charged. Plus I have no witnesses, so he got off Scott free. . No matter how much counselling and therapy I got I still hate him and wish he were dead. My husband now a fantastic guy, threatened my brother the abuse and told him don't ever show your face at my house or your dead. I knew he never meant it but it scared the crap out of him , made me happy. Were the abusers charged or just left.? My son is 35 he was abused at 3, had counselling and therapy, and never faced it, he's a very angry person, and holds a the blame on me. Which is fine cause I totally blame myself. I never should have left my son with my mother knowing how she was with me. But I thought my son would be safe cause my dad was there. Did your son get checked over by a doctor and have photo's taken by the Police and CFS? I know things have changed a lot in the years that have gone by I pray that the abuser in your family get's charged and goes to jail. it won't get better right away but give it time. It feels terrible being shunned and you did nothing wrong. Were all here for you Big Hug,
Stick to your guns you have done what's right. I hope everything works out with child services and the Police. You can't allow that fact that he is slow mentally to stop from showing the facts of what happened. But it does make a difference about what treatment will happen to him and punishment. he can't be put in regular jail or detention home, maybe a jail for youth that have mental issues. But if he goes to jail he risks a very high chance of getting raped himself. So you have to look out for both boys, It's a dilemma , I feel for you. Wish I had a magic mirror I could fix for you. so sorry, But were here for you, no matter what happens. gentle hugs casey
I know we have a long road ahead of us and any advice is greatly appreciated.