"I would never downplay his abuse & I agree no abuse is minor. In comparison to most on here it is minor (to the point I feel a little guilty being here when all of you are going through so much more). "

These are contradictory statements...!!!! I am only bringing this to your attention because I want you to know that you have every RIGHT to be here...!!! You have every right to be traumatized, stressed, sad, confused, angry, numb... These are the normal reactions to this MAJOR CRIME...!!!! It is important that you validate your need for our support... Your son will look to you to see how to handle this and if you are feeling guilty for suffering so much when you feel you have no right to suffer then even though your words may sound like they are validating his pain... Your energy is saying... I should not suffer for this is minor compared to others...!!!! PLEASE LISTEN TO ME... WHAT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WENT THROUGH IS NOT MINOR... IT IS A MAJOR INJUSTICE AND I AM PISSED OFF AT THIS ASS OF A MAN FOR HURTING YOUR BEAUTIFUL SONS...!!!!
I welcome you and your stress here to this group with open arms... !!!! YOU BELONG HERE...!!! To prove this to you, all I have to do is again, quote you...

"That being said, he has experienced the same type triggers everyone has."

This proves once and for all... There is no such thing as minor abuse...!!! And you deserve our support and you are a great mom for caring so much...!!!!

"the uncle was playing a game of "I'll tickle you till you pee your pants" (while fondling my son through his pants). Since he made a game of it the boys didn't think it was a big deal until they were older... Looking back we saw lots of grooming but didn't know what it was until after the abuse was disclosed."


Pedophiles Destroy Boundaries And Desensitize The Child
They desensitize the child to touch by gradually increasing various types of touch. Nearly all molesters engage children in tickling, roughhousing, picking the child up, massaging, cuddling, holding, patting, rocking, kissing and touching. That's what Sandusky allegedly did. By "accident," pedophiles touch the buttocks, breasts or genitals and just happen to open the bathroom door when the child's inside.


Breaking Down A Child's Defenses--And Yours

Now imagine this: the predator touches the child in front of the parents, at first appropriately, and soon inappropriately. That's how bold they are. If the parents don't stop it, the child thinks that they approve. Breaking down a child's defenses may take weeks or months.
In Dr. van Dam's book, a convicted predator bragged about perching a girl on his shoulders, his finger in her vagina, while parading in front of her parents.

http://www.renegadepopo.com/how-pedophiles-groom--printer-version.php


There is so much we as parents just do not comprehend when we are being groomed by the perpetrator...
I was groomed by my 13 year old brother so he could gain the access to my 5year old daughter and manipulate her into silence... He opened the door while he was in the potty right as I walked into the hall way and my daughter said... KACEY SAW MY PRIVATE PARTS... And I said, THATS OKAY HONEY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND HE IS FAMILY SO IT DOESNT MATTER...!!!

Trust me, I feel so much guilt for not knowin what was up...!!!
But the reality is... How could we...??? If we had we would have reacted differently and that is just the facts... We are not guilty for wig groomed and manipulated... THE PERPETRATOR IS THE GUILTY ONE...!!! And that is it...
Of course words come easy while emotions longer on... Know that you are not alone...!!! Your children where SERIOUSLY ABUSED, and it was NOT MINOR...!!!

My father used to tickle me after the serious abuse an the only memories I retained was of him tickling me so hard I couldn't breath and it felt like I was going to die...!!! This is actually a form of torture for a youn child and it can cause amnesia in and of itself...!!!!

I really want you to know that you have a place here with us... Tha I take what happened to you and your boys VERY SERIOUSLY..!!! It is a major injustice and in no way where you spared the pain and torment of the injustice... I want you to know... You belong here and no matter how "minor" the insident, the effects are always major and life changing...!! So you belong...!!! And your sons are lucky to have a mom who reaches out for support and finds ways to help heal this trauma...!!!

Thanks for stating it so clearly, lovesmama! If you've come to this website, it's because someone has perpetrated a serious crime against your child. You belong.

I have been thinking on what to say about your sons showers... Since I have shower issues too I felt triggered by it in a really personal way and I just wanted to think about the best possible way to help you boy... I love that you are talking to him through the door and reassuring him. And that this seems to be working well for him... But I understand it doesn't feel like a forever thing... And I don't think it will be... Keep
Validating his right to feel that way and supporting him the way that you are and your son is sure to be a thriving example of how a child heals from trauma... I am using the term "heals" but I really should warn you that I firmly believe that this is not the type of thing one heals from in the way one heals from a illness.... This is much more of learning to live on a healing path... THERE WILL ALWAYS BE TRIGGERS... But we can learn to 1.) avoid the avoidable 2.) create coping strategies for the ones that we can not avoid...

The shower for your son is going to be a trigger... It just is... For whatever reason... In my mind... He has more than enough reason to be triggered even if he has no direct abuse from showering... But the older he gets and the more that he is totally okay with and understanding of his reaction(NOT PHOBIA) to the trauma...!!! The the more independent he will be... For me I have some motivation to shower alone when I need to and I have found and guided meditation all for my iPhone, the app was free and it came with a bunch of meditations... I found one that I like that is only 7minutes long... Just long enough for a really fast shower... If I want to shave or whatever I need to have my husband in the bathroom of with me in the shower and actively talking to me... If he is quite it doesn't help...!!! My mind is totally exploding with flashbacks, not even of the incident itself... Usually not specific to the shower incident... But it is always abuse related... And can be a totally jarring and terrifying experience for me!!!

So maybe you can suggest the meditation thing... I also use it for bedtime for me and my daughter who has suffered with insomnia and I suffer from nightmares... But I use the meditation at my daughters bedtime and she passes out sighing 10 minutes out of a 20 minute meditation... And I go to bed and sleep without scary dreams...!!! There has been a big difference in me since I started...!!!

I wish I had more to suggest... But this is what has worked so far for me... If I find something else that works I will let you know...!!!

Sending loving comfort your way...!!! I hope you feel more peaceful about your suffering... You so deserve our support you are a wonderful mom... So happy to have you posting again...!!!

Thank you lovesmama! Believe me when I say I have owned every emotion & then some and have told my son the same...everything you feel is yours and you have that right! Early on when he was trying to understand his anger/emotions we would take turns saying anything we felt (there was no vocabulary off limits)...foul language is not accepted in our house, but I allowed exceptions during times he needed to vent (he was so empowered).

So much of your post could have been written directly about my brother in law... It kills me because I know in my heart that monster got to my oldest son as well and he has made it very clear that if anything happened he would never tell us...he has reached legal age so there is very little help I can force on him. Therapist agree with tendencies he displays that he was likely abused too, but there's nothing they can do unless he's willing to open up.

I need to make clear we have never had a therapist downplay the abuse. Prosecution is were we have the issue... The system stinks & everytime I see an abuser aquited on the news my stomach turns (& then I understand why rape victims stay quiet-something I never understood until this happened).

Lovesmama, thanks for all the suggestions, but we have tried all those...

When he was younger one of his brothers suggested drawing a picture of a shark & destroying it. It worked for a while.

Therapist have given him meditation & breathing exercises. It worked for a while.

Therapist have given him shower steps to do on his own ie: week 1-sit in the bathroom by yourself. Week 2-sit in bathroom while shower is running. Week 3-take shower on your own. Worked for a little bit.

Taking a playlist of favorite music to shower with. Worked for a while.

Any amount of stress makes it worse & he will say I'm having a bad day, mom talk about something. The silence is deafening for him...

While I don't think the shower has a direct link to the abuse, I do feel that what would have been a passing phobia at a young age happened so close to the abuse he just can't get past it. I'm stumped on how to help him move on...

Woulddoitagain - ya. You have tried things - ideas way more awesome than I did. Think you were actually helpful to me - cuz maybe I'll try to find one of those shower radios! My daughter has a gifted voice n loves to sing. Too bad she has some social anxieties and is terrified to go on stage.
Anyway - maybe this is one of those lessons in life to let it go? I too battle w the idea that a shower is a necessity in life - but really it's not. Bathing is fine too. In fact maybe if u push the issue a whole lot less - that could be the thing that works???

96% I hope the radio works for your daughter, ((hugs)) prayers & the best of luck to both of you.

I don't know how much less I could push the shower thing... He'll be starting high school in a few months, unless he's had a sporting practice/game we really don't push it, but for reasons that come with age he really needs to everyday. My son has the same aversion to bathtubs...maybe I could give him a bar of soap & send him swimming, he loves the pool! Ugh, sometimes laughter is the best medicine during a time of crisis.

Oh - was hoping it was just a shower thing. Ya - my daughter has bath tub aversion too - but am successful at getting her to bathe nonetheless. And yes I have noticed too on particularly stressful days getting her to bathe is more difficult.
Weird thought but what about hypnosis???

Woulddoitagain, I am a hypnotherapist and 96 percent's idea about hypnosis would be a great idea if your son had not been sexually abused. I never use hypnosis on those who have experienced sexual abuse for phobias related to it. Instead I would suggest guided imagery. Hypnosis requires complete trust between the client and the hypnotherapist. It can be very difficult to expect someone who has been sexually abused to close their eyes and give up their control to the hypnotist. Guided imagery can be listened to alone and it is not necessary to close one's eyes to get good results. More than likely your son is suffering from some PTSD as well. Many sufferers of PTSD develop phobias to things unrelated to their abuse.

Here is a link to Belleruth Naparstak's site. She has done a ton of research on how to heal trauma in survivors from sexual abuse, war, natural disasters, car accidents, etc. She has written a book as well called Invisible Heroes detailing how trauma affects our minds and bodies. I would recommend the Guided imagery CD called Healing Trauma for your son. It worked wonders for my PTSD and thousands of others.
http://www.healthjourneys.com/Product_Detail.aspx?id=19

Hope it helps, Laura

Thank you Laura. I will check into that,

I second anything involving Belleruth Naparstek -- her work has been helpful to me and my daughter, both.

Wink ;-) at ya Laura!!!!

My daughter was given a box turtle for her birthday and box turtles need to take a bath every day. I used to let the turtle take a bath with my daughter and she loved that...!!! But we have just been giving turtle a bath in the sink for a long time now... I had to take a shower by myself the other day and I was having the worst day, so many flashbacks and what not... I was fearful to shower then I had the idea to take the turtle with me. So I got turtle her own bucket of warm water and put it inside the shower with me... I have to watch her so she doesn't flip herself upside down... And she is so cute she distracted me... An I thought about your little boy...!!! Maybe a turtle could make a good shower buddy for your boy... I know I will be bringing my turtle with me next time...!!! Plus turtles are easy pets that do not cost a lot to care for and they live until they are 50'or older... So your son could have a long term bathtime friend...!!! Just a suggestion...

It worked for me when the guided meditation did not...not sure if it will always work. But it is nice to have a solution for now..!!!

Lovesmama, This is such a wonderful idea! I use to be afraid of the toilet when I was a child (no idea why) and I use to sing to myself and to this day if I feel anxious and am alone I will either talk to myself or sing.

:)