Trauma is trauma. It can set off chains of what seem like unrelated events and associations. The fact that this behavior has persisted at such an intense a level makes me wonder if his abuse were not so "mild." Often children can only give voice to the least violent aspects of their abuse -- esp. if they have been threatened if they tell. I don't mean to scare you -- only to let you know that disclosure is often an incomplete process, and he may have experienced more than he revealed when he was younger.

Being naked continues to make my daughter feel terribly vulnerable. Showering and bathing are required activities, and anything that combines nakedness and requirement is bound to be triggering for many survivors. It's impossible to run away mid-shower.

Most of my daughter's phobias are SEEMINGLY non direct. I won't mention them here because they may become evidence someday.

Three good things: one, your son trusts you to be the "shower whisperer"; two, he is functioning and keeping clean; and, three, he is "only" 14. We think of high schoolers as being practically grown up, but they are still children. Within the next few months or years, your son is likely to become very motivated to manage this activity on his own as a result of peer pressure (sometimes it's a good thing) and the realization that he's going to live apart from you someday.

I like (not) how the therapist saw this as a benign phobia -- while in the meantime it affects you directly every single day. Sigh...I wish therapists would consider home visits. People don't usually start therapy until the balance tips toward chaos.

Also, is the abuser still present in your son's life? Did you prosecute? If the answer to the first is yes and the second is no, he may have legitimate safety issues.

No Naive, contact was cut immediately! Unfortunately there wasn't enough evidence to move forward with prosecution.

96Percent 100% totally agrees w Naive.
You're post hit home more than you can know. My daughter said the same sharks comment!!! And she behaves very traumatized. Trauma/PTSD correlate often w level of force used.
Children's disclosures most often w as little details possible to get the job done - therefore disclosure usually left an incomplete process.
I believe the abuse not as mild as we all want to convince ourselves in each of our own situations. The best advice I can give you is to inform yourself more n more re behaviors of abused children, what it means, and the nature in which kids disclose. Then watch your kids therapist to see if he/she current and knowledgable.
Follow along w this site too. It will really give you a good look n feel about the nature in which your child behaves n what has occurred to him.

Thank God contact ceased. Not the case in my situation. I think Naive was asking bc if perp still has influence/intimidation of your child , then that will maintain your child's reluctance to disclose further - because to me too, I suspect it's a lot worse than mild.

I'm glad the abuser is no longer in your son's life. It is too often not the case, believe it or not! Many children are re-exposed to their abusers at family functions, etc. Before disclosure, I almost (inadvertently) re-exposed my daughter to her abuser! Daughter is an adult now, and may never prosecute, despite AMPLE evidence. The fact that you believed your son and acted immediately is more important.

We need to send you to www.mosac.net for a rundown on post-abuse behaviors and info in general. I looked at it again the other day, a year after disclosure, and was surprised (sadly) by how much more I could recognize in my own daughter than I could the last time I looked at those lists. Just as disclosure can be gradual, we can't always absorb the full truth at once.

I'm so glad you continue to reach out for help all these years later, and to advocate for your son.

I've been here for several years and I'm very familiar with Mosac. While I don't check in very often anymore this was a great source of comfort (if not the only source) for me for along time. Everyone here understood on some level what I/we were going through. I have done an enormous amount of research over the years not just to help my children but to help myself as well. While I don't think anyone can ever now everything about this subject matter I can assure you that I am in no way looking through rose colored glasses. We have dug and dug and dug, saw several therapist talked to doctors & councelors & there has never been any reason to believe the abuse was more than my son has stated (groping through clothing). Unfortunately because of the research I have done I believe the abuser had gotten to one of my older sons (moved on to my youngest when he lost interest in the oldest one-just my theory) who denies anything ever happened but says if it had he wouldn't say... Yes he has been in therapy too....

So in a nut shell after almost 7 years I realize I will probably never know anymore than I do know (if there's anything else to know) and I can't change any of it. I can only tackle the problems at hand with the knowledge I have. As you all know this Saga never ends, every time you think you're moving on something new pops up to remind you at it's still lingering behind you like a shadow.

So for now I'm just looking for tools to help him move on with this shower thing.

Hi woulddoitagain -
I thought I remembered your screen name.
My daughter did do the same thing as your son however she also (and my son too) explained that their abuse was only in the shower.
I did help her conquer her fears about showering - she got back to happily singing in the shower. Then down the road I tried to teach her to wash her privates. That was a no go, so it seemed showers not so helpful anyway. Now almost a year later it has triggered again n I can't get her in anymore. So, in retrospect it was as if all this effort went for nothing.
There are so many fears our kids face. Some easier to conquer than others. I've given up ever teaching her to wash her privates - because that's something that I can't physically teach her n battle of wills won't work. So, I figure her bum is at least in the water w a bath...
Guess I'm saying - gut wrenching for is moms to witness (esp as in ur case 6 years later) all this wake of sh... Left behind from the perps, that at least for me too - I don't know how to help my child past it beyond time, maturity and experience providing our children w insight.
Sorry to have misunderstood your question. It is smth that we will never know the exact truth about. I'm sorry that this has happened to you n your child. Sorry your child has trauma lasting this long. And, all I can say is that I'm in the same boat as you with no answer except hopes of what time brings.

Oh, woulddoitagain, I'm sorry that this is a more complicated story than your first message implied. I also thought I'd seen your name before, but it's been a crazy year -- can't be sure of what I remember sometimes.

I'm glad you're already well-informed about this horrible issue. You're way ahead of me.

It's true, too, that lots of people develop phobias for no apparent reason. Why do people have a fear of heights if they live in a flat place? People have a fear of snakes they don't even know about until they see a snake. This may have happened with your son.

I have discovered that it's impossible to force further disclosure, and that the only option is to create a safe environment for openness. Even if we're sure we can't tolerate another word about people hurting our children! You have surely done all you can. So maybe now the time is for you to seek peace for yourself, knowing that you're going to make it possible for your son to shower at ease for as long as he needs the reassurance. I think it's just awesome that you've continued to support him in this way. As I said, it's clear that he trusts you, and that may be not only the best you can do, but the best possible success you can have as a parent. So, my hat is off to you for supporting your son "one shower at a time." It isn't easy, but it sounds like it's the right thing to do.

I am so sorry for your sons suffering and of course for yours as well...!!!!
I just want to say as a survivor and BFF of other survivors, and mother of a survivor... THERE IS NO "MINOR" ABUSE... IF A CHILD IS ABUSED AT ALL, IT IS MAJOR...!!!!

That being said... I do have a friend who has a "minor abuse" history... She is 29, and still
Suffers daily with Complex PTSD, night terrors, anxiety, shelf harm, OCD, chronic fatigue, and a bunch of other fun things she aquired from her "minor abuse" but because what happened to her seemed so small when comparing her story to others that it took her watching my daughter go through abuse and disclosure before she realized that ANY ABUSE IS A MAJOR INJUSTICE...!!! And there is no minor crime... Don't listen to any one who tells you other wise...an make sure your son knows that you know it is a MAJOR ABUSE...!!!!

I was abused as well by my father... When I was young I was TERRIFIED of the shower... I didn't remember why...I just hated showers and would fight my mom to not have them... Then in my young adult years I became OCD about showers as I would take 6 or 7 a day.
Last summer I had my repressed memories resurface... And the first complete memory that came back was my father orally raping me in the shower on my third birthday... My attitude about showers has shifted again...
I now get bad flashbacks in the shower and have had to learn to deal with this trigger... It is not easy... I shower with my husband so I'm not alone a lot. Or I I have to shower alone I have to put a calming guided meditation on to get me out of my head and I have to HURRY... Because the longer I stay the worse it gets....!!!!

So don't give up... It sounds like you are helping your son in all the right ways... Keep validating him and his right to be fearful for anyone in his particular position would feel the same way...!!! And keep helping him find ways to cope with his trigger... In so sorry this is so har on you... I really know how you feel...

My daughter has fear of the potty and it is sooooo stressful I have cried many a tear over this... But I think your an awesome mother and a hero for your son...!!!! I am so grateful that there are mothers like you willig to help their children...!!! Thank you...!!!!

I just want to clarify that... I had amnesia from the trauma of the rape and I DID NOT REMEMBER THIS EVENT IN MY CHILDHOOD..!!! I would not have been able to disclose... I didn't remember it...!!! Your son could be repressing more serious stuff and not even realize it... I had No idea why I didn want to shower... I just didn't want to...!!!

Now I know...!!!

Just wanted to make sure I was clear on that... I lived with my father and I repressed all the abuse and I would not have been able to disclose any of it past the age of 6... And I was to well groomed before then...!!!!

Thanks all!!! I would never downplay his abuse & I agree no abuse is minor. In comparison to most on here it is minor (to the point I feel a little guilty being here when all of you are going through so much more). That being said, he has experienced the same type triggers everyone has...we've had to change driving routes - trigger, sell car (same type as abuser) & won't ride with anyone that has one - trigger, changed holiday traditions (trigger)...the list goes on and on. We experienced the denial/being ostracized by other family... Acting out in school & grades plummeting. So as minor as the abuse seems, the effect have all been the same.

Lovesmama, I got what you said about the repressed memories... We've replayed every function/event/holiday//get together we've ever been at with the abuser (brother in law) I just don't see an opportunity when the shower could have been part of the abuse (believe me we have considered the possibility). Like I said in a previous comment/post with many (too numerous to mention) signs that my oldest has we suspect he was abused by the same man & suspect the abuse went a lot further & moved on to my youngest when his brother became too old. My oldest had an extremely tough time dealing with his younger brother being abused. He witnessed it one time and didn't realize what was happening, they were very young and the uncle was playing a game of "I'll tickle you till you pee your pants" (while fondling my son through his pants). Since he made a game of it the boys didn't think it was a big deal until they were older... Looking back we saw lots of grooming but didn't know what it was until after the abuse was disclosed.

As for the shower it's one step forward, two steps back... What worked last month doesn't work this month & so on. So I guess like everything else you keep trying and plug on.

Well... No matter what did happen to him - details exactly - guess it's irrelevant. It's the effects that matter - and I feel so sorry that your son hurts so bad and you too. It's a damn shame really - because no matter if you want to call the abuse minor or major - it's the effects that appear super bad. I'm kinda disappointed to hear a counselor calling any of these fears mild or irrelevant.

Could he have made your son shower after peeing pants to hide evidence? Did u see ur kid walking all around at family functions w wet pants? Stupid question - I'm sorry - but had to ask.

A therapist told me that my daughter was relatively "lucky" that she was "only" abused for a short time (regularly for months?), and that it wasn't by a family member, and that she has seen "much worse" in her practice. It really hurt my feelings, and I'm only grateful that I was the one who heard this and not my daughter. I've seen the horrible effects the abuse has had on my "lucky" daughter, and while I am grateful that it wasn't "worse," whatever that means, the addiction she struggles with now will be her burden for life. She started drinking when she was 8 because she wanted to be numb, eating things that would mask the odor of alcohol. By her teens, she was taking drugs (all of this substance abuse was yet another shocking secret she kept). She has been raped subsequently because she had no appreciation for boundaries or for protecting herself; of course the rape is solely the fault of the rapist, but she felt she had to go along with the situation leading up to the attacks). Last year she was in a horrible accident on her way to relapse and is still struggling to recover from the accident AND the addiction.

We really have no way of knowing what counts as "major" or "minor" abuse. It probably depends on many factors: the personality and self-perceptions of the child, the actual details of the abuse (remembered clearly or not), and how skilled and convincing a manipulator the abuser was.