Hi thismomtoseven!

First of all, your husband (a redeemed Christian who has come clean of his terrible sin), stating that he's a changed man, SHOULD be the one who tells your son that it would not be wise for the grandkids to stay at your house. SHOULD and will are obviously 2 separate things SO if that doesn't happen, you have every right to gently tell your son that your marriage needs to come first right now and that emotionally you and your husband are not in a good place to watch the kids.

Now, it is possible that maybe he just needs a break from the kids to be alone with his wife! So, maybe you could offer to come over and stay with the kids at their home? It might even give you the separation you need from your hubby (even if only a couple nights) and an important distraction of innocence that actually could aid you in your healing process.

Have you spoken to said hubby about this request from your son? What was his response?

My husband only "came clean" because I asked my younger daughter if anyone had ever touched her inappropriately, and then I had to ask her if it was her father. I had to call 911 or an out of state counselor I confided in was obligated to do so. Our daughter wasn't at home when the police came. They asked who had done the touching and he said, "Me." However, they needed to talk to our daughter in order to press charges (because I wasn't even looking for that at the time). When the police talked to our daughter she told them she had "nothing to report." Which, yes, was suggested by us at the time. I was terrified, in shock, and didn't know what to do. We are going to the counselor because my husband called them in a moment of desperation when he knew I had to report the abuse. So, I'm not sure that really qualifies as "coming clean" especially because he hasn't talked to or told anyone else who can hold him accountable.

My husband was there both times my son made the suggestion for an overnight. We watched the kids at our house yesterday afternoon but all the arrangements were made between my son and my husband, although I was there when our son called. I am feeling uncomfortably like this whole thing is getting twisted around to Mom being the one who "needs help" and there is no question that I do, but I am not crazy, in denial, or dangerous.

Warriormom, your answer was exactly what I had in mind, but stated more beautifully! Thismom, please help your son to understand that your husband is gaslighting him. He might benefit from reading this:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Here's something else:

https://lonerwolf.com/gaslighting/

Others may have books to suggest.....

Thismomtoseven,

1st of all, I'm proud of you for reaching out for help so transparently! Ironically, part of the reason I phrased what I said about your husband the way I did was because that has been how you described him to me (I partly did it sarcastically and partly so you could confront your own viewpoint on him)! So, the fact that you are saying that you personally do not believe that your husband is a changed man nor that he actually has come clean about what he did wrong shows that you are emotionally in such a better place than you were at the beginning of this journey on this online forum! It sounds like the break of being in a different room has paid off to help you see things from a healthier perspective.

Listen to your own words:
1) ""nothing to report" was suggested by us." Was it really "us" or was it your husband's or your idea? Either way by influencing your daughter to state that to the police you were basically dismissing what she had actually told you happened. I'm sure you can see that now as you are dealing with the consequences of that decision where your husband is basically getting to be a free man and do whatever he wants without any parameters in place. This would be a good time to have a talk with your daughter and let her know that you would 100% support her if she did choose to go share her side of the story with the police. I would even apologize to her for having told her to only say that she had "nothing to report" & let her know you not only believe her but want to protect the other little girls in her dad's life from being harmed the same way!

2) "I'm not sure that really qualifies as "coming clean" especially because he hasn't talked to or told anyone else who can hold him accountable." You're right! He desperately NEEDS someone else to be that person especially because he has a pattern of lying to you about the subject. PLEASE...for everyone's good...PLEASE get your pastor involved now! Get over the embarrassment...your husband needs this help just as much as you do.

3) "All the arrangements were made between my son and my husband, although I was there when our son called." Did you say anything to your husband or your son when this conversation was transpiring? Because otherwise they both might think that you're okay with it since you didn't say anything when they were discussing it in front of you. It also concerns me that it sounds like your son is being the aggressor when it comes to creating the scenario of your grandchildren staying with your husband. He sounds like he wants to be delusional in his viewpoint of who his dad is which is kind of understandable when everything seems to be swept under the table rather than dealt with in the system. The very fact that things have not progressed legally might be proof enough to your son that your husband could be innocent. Why would his sister say something about his dad and not tell the police if it was true, he could hypothesize? You should before that all your boys know about what allegedly happened between their father and sisterson, correct? You need to be strong and state the truth with your children.

Now, to address some of your concerns about how everyone is acting in your family...

What you describe about everything being twisted to feel like YOU are the "crazy" one is exactly how I've felt with how my family has treated me for 30 years! It is a classic symptom of being manipulated and used by those around you. Normally there is a top person who is either a narcissist or sociopath that is using the rest of the family as his puppets to do his bidding. In your situation it seems like your husband is the Puppeteer and your children are being pulled on strings to do whatever he manipulates them to do even if that just means reacting in a scenario the way he was hoping they might. You seem to be the scapegoat for him to distract others from his sin. Your children are acting like what's called flying monkeys which basically means that the way that their father has talked with them and whatever he has shared with them they are latching onto as complete truth and therefore treating you the way that you feel that you're being treated. Unfortunately this will not stop unless you begin to stand up for yourself and help the truth to move forward in the direction it should be, which is being held accountable. The other thing you need to know is when you are overhearing a conversation between your husband and son discussing one of the very things that you have already told both of them that you feel uncomfortable with, it is called triangulation. Your husband is employing another one of the people you love to Aid him in getting you to bend to his will because you feel sorry for not doing that item since another individual is now involved.(I'm throwing a couple of important terms at you that you might want to look up.)

Please involve somebody besides yourself to keep your grandbabies safe. This huge burden of whether or not another little girl gets sexually abused should not be on your shoulders alone. But unfortunately, because the rest of the family seems to have been brainwashed by your husband, if falls on your shoulders alone to involve another individual. We're here for you the best that we can be.

Stay strong and don't doubt your truth!

Yes, yes, yes! (!!!!!) to every well chosen word Warriormom just wrote. Here's a site that supports her words of wisdom:

http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/

Actually, no. This page is much clearer, more succinct, on the same topic:

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2016/07/the-narcissists-flying-monkeys/

Naive1.2, thank you for their article. I will be coming back to read it again. It makes perfect sense, even though it doesn't make sense at all.

Warriormom, it can feel as though I am walking through a mine field. Last week I interviewed for and was hired for a new job. It is full time and comes with benefits. God is still carrying me.

Then new job does not feel like a mine field... It is trying to see and work through all this abuse and find my way out of that dark forest I realized I was in just under 2 years ago.

SO glad you have a job with benefits! That is an awesome answer to prayer. Love you ladies! :)

Love you, too, WMX5.

Gosh, I'd like a job with benefits, too! :)

You want to know what just might happen now that you have this job? First, you will develop a sense of belonging to something other than your family's drama. Since your children are adults, they are going to have to learn to face by themselves the issues you have pointed out. You will have too little time to monitor their emotional states.

Given your son's denial (and your daughter's apparently buying your husband's story of redemption?), you could apportion some of the problem-solving to your children. Your daughter needs to consider how she would feel if her young niece and nephews were to "sleep over" with Grandpa and the worst were to happen. Then she needs to talk with her brother and let him know how worried she is that this could happen to his daughter. If brother defends father or refuses to respect sister, then sister needs to have a word with sister-in-law. Does SIL even know of the abuse? Does she know the sad stats about the unlikeliness of change in an adult abuser? Someone needs to include her in the loop. It might have to be you. Suggest to DIL that you, and you alone, come to their house and sleep where the children have all their toys, etc. -- you're happy to help them take a break. If all of this backfires and causes son -- and maybe even daughter -- to snub you, at least you'll have the satisfaction of protecting your granddaughter. You already know how unbearable it feels that you could not protect your daughter.

Please be fully aware that it's just as likely that Grandpa suggested the sleepover -- maybe out of love and regret, or maybe to test his willpower. A good sociopath can convince a victim it was his idea.

Continue to press the issue. Get help for yourself. Obviously in my situation like your son I was led to believe everything was good and my step dad was not a danger to my children this being 15 or so years past the time he abused me just one time. He did abuse my daughter (grandchild) so you are very correct to be concerned. And unfortunately many people including myself were and are naive to the issue of pedophilia. The biggest danger I believe to a child is opportunity because of that my children are not aloud sleepovers period. You seem to be seeing the issue clearly which is really in itself a huge victory.

"You seem to be seeing the issue clearly which is really in itself a huge victory." AMEN.

It can be terribly hard to keep it in focus. Thankfully God has provided me with a good counselor, a few wise friends, and some great online resources. I haven't arrived but I'm getting there.

I watched a show last night about child molesters.2men in particular said if a molester tells you they are reformed,they are lying.They said just as gay people are attracted to the same sex pedophiles are attracted to children.Can they control it?yes,as an alcohol or drug addict can,with therapy and support.But keep putting alcohol in front of an alcoholic and the temptation will get greater.