Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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Hangingon 09/20/2016

Last Friday morning my ex was sentenced. Of course no amount of jail time or consequence would ever be good enough. The judge did not put him in jail. Instead, he has 2 years of probation with a probation officer who specializes in this kind of crime. "He" is court ordered to attend a Child Sex Abuse Class and a Substance abuse class (apparently he was pulled over a week ago for prescription meds in his car that didn't belong to him). He will be on the Sex Abuse Registry for 10 years. The judge extended the restraining order against my daughters for another 5 years. He was also ordered to pay all court costs. Next, the county attorney read our Vitim Impact Statement. Then the Judge asks "Him" if he had anything to say. He said: "I don't trust anyone either! I'm staying far away from everyone! I promise I won't ever do anything like this again."

I have SO many feelings about this. My daughters' already went through a similar situation with my ex father-in-law (from marriage #1). We went to trial for that one and it was a horrible experience. Yet this time, this is (or was) my new husband. We had only been married a little over a month. This guy I knew in High School. My family loved him. His family loved me. We all thought we had hit the jackpot and I finally found a good one. My heart is broken. I was crazy about him. (I still care for him a lot ... maybe love? - I know, it's sick isn't it?) I trusted him!! I HATE him!!!! I am seeing a counselor but honestly it's a struggle every day. I am SO DONE with men. I'm heartbroken over what has become of the world. My faith in humanity is seriously gone. (or very little left)I'm sad. I'm lonely. I trust ... very very few people. I can count how many people on one hand. I just.. sleep, eat, go to work, take care of my girls.. the end.

FakeFruit 09/21/2016

I can relate to how you're feeling about a lack of faith in humanity and a very difficult time trusting. But, I will submit that our world isn't really worse than it was before -- we're just much more aware. At least in these times, our children (and we) can get support and sometimes justice. Regardless of how you feel about the sentencing, at least the truth of what happened to your girls has been officially acknowledged. Those are all things that may not have happened in years past.
And, none of that is meant to belittle what you're feeling. I can relate in part, but I cannot claim to truly fathom the depth of your individual pain. I can only hope that it get better with time and support.

hopefulmama 09/21/2016

This world is broken,you know the other day I saw on the news that the city of Philadelphia had a recort number of men entering to become preists.My first thought went right to,"how many are child molesters". My thoughts are with you

Naive1.2 09/22/2016

I'm so sorry that the trial did not offer some restoration of your faith in humanity. I sometimes fantasize about how righteous I would feel to put the Nazi out of his prestigious job, out of his comfortable home, and in prison. But your case shows (as too many before it) that perpetrators rarely get what they deserve, and so you've lost faith not only in this person you once trusted, but in the sanity and wisdom of those whom we all entrust to serve justice. Damn.

Maybe faith in humanity is overrated -- a comforting illusion? As long as you keep sleeping, eating, going to work, and taking care of your children, you're still moving forward. That's where your true faith lies: in prioritizing the needs of your children and doing your best to create an environment in which they, too, can have faith in themselves.

Naive1.2 09/22/2016

I've posted this poem before, but it really speaks to the disillusionment we face as a result of placing our trust in humanity:

GOOD BONES

Life is short, though I keep this from my children.

Life is short, and I’ve shortened mine

in a thousand delicious, ill-advised ways,

a thousand deliciously ill-advised ways

I’ll keep from my children. The world is at least

fifty percent terrible, and that’s a conservative

estimate, though I keep this from my children.

For every bird there is a stone thrown at a bird.

For every loved child, a child broken, bagged,

sunk in a lake. Life is short and the world

is at least half terrible, and for every kind

stranger, there is one who would break you,

though I keep this from my children. I am trying

to sell them the world. Any decent realtor,

walking you through a real shithole, chirps on

about good bones: This place could be beautiful,

right? You could make this place beautiful.

-- Maggie Smith

musicmommy 12/20/2016

My perp was similar. We were married 8onths when he raped my daughter (his stepdaughter). He had a completely clean record before this and had never shown any signs of grooming, although I will admit he was hypersexual and very manipulative. He got plenty of punishment - mandatory 7 years in prison, 5 years parole, and a lifetime on the registry, I sympathize with your love for your ex. I hate mine, and I hated him as soon as it happened, but I don't think you can instantly turn off real love, if you really loved him to begin with. But my love for that nightmare of a husband is fading with time, and I'll be free of it long before he completes his sentence. I think people who are capable of such deception and horror are also the same people who are extremely good at making the people around them feel shame, guilt, and obligation. In other words, physical abusers do not exist without also being emotional abusers.

musicmommy 12/20/2016

Btw, do not let yourself be cut off from loving another man. That's exactly what your ex wants. He wants your attention and love all for himself, and if he can't have it, then you are giving him peace of mind by making sure no one else does. Screw that. Would we want our children to swear off love because they've been abused? Of course not. We all pray that they will keep their hearts and eyes open. We should follow our own advice. I'm not saying that everyone should be ready for relationships following abuse. Everyone should follow their own path of healing and do what feels right. However, I will not allow my ex to ruin one more minute of my life than he already has. I want to show my children that love is good, vulnerability is good, and trust is good within HEALTHY, loving relationships. I will not let my ex take that away from me and my children. I will learn to trust other men and model healthy relationships to my children, no matter what anyone else thinks. I don't believe I'm doing them any favors by becoming a recluse. I will not allow my daughter's abuser to make me or them afraid of the world.

Hangingon 12/27/2016

Thank you everyone.
Things are more numb here now. I actually hate him so much and I think that happened
because one daughter told me more information. He actually tried more with her than just molesting. I can't even type it as I feel my blood pressure rising. (I've learned how high my blood pressure can go - kind of frightening experience).

Thank you for your comments musicmommy about not giving up on love. I admit, at this time I am done with men until at least my daughters graduate from High School (4 more years). After that, I may entertain the idea. I am a romantic at heart however, if most men are similar to my 1st and 2nd marriages I will learn to live alone.

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