Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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mommaKL 03/18/2011

I haven't been on the site in a while or posted, thinking that we were doing so well. Then tonight my husband let me know that it was because I was "keeping my mouth shut" and not "talking about his dad"....Wow!!! I just thought we were starting to see eye to eye, your dad is a pedophile. Last night we went to a concert of Miranda Lambert, she sang the song about "the house that built me" and he didn't want to play it on the way home...when I aske why he said you know why??? So I thought b/c he finally admitted his upbringing was all a lie...well no it was b/c he didn't want me to hear it b/c I think (know ) his dad is a child molester and his upbringing wasn't good.....what a set back...he also made comments like " i thought all this therapy was helping you" b/c I was being quiet about it....I'm in disbelief. I feel like giving up on therapy and calling it quits,,,,is he really that blind??? Does he really think I'm the one with the problem???? Does this even make sense?
It's late and I am on the couch...he told me to get out of his bedroom if I have to talk about "IT"....

deleted_user 03/18/2011

It sounds somewhat like he is gaslighting you. Perhaps you could look that term up, I think it might help you understand what he's doing. He's kind of comfortable in this one bubble...he doesn't want to come out because it's so devastating...

woulddoitagain 03/18/2011

I'm so sorry mommaKL - please don't give up on the therapy. It sounds as if it has helped you...is your husband in therapy too? It sounds like a classic case of denial and he needs to put his blame on someone for his world changing it's just not the right person. We have been going through this with my mom and it really messes with my head. I can't imagine what it would feel like if my husband were acting this way. (((HUGS))) and prayers to you.

Bandmom5 03/18/2011

MommaKL, please don't quit therapy--this is exactly the kind of thing to bring to your therapist to discuss, so she can help you know how to handle this type of abusive denial and how to respond to it. I took Can'tsee's suggestion and looked up gaslighting--I think you'll find it very interesting--it really does sound like it fits in your situation. I'd also talk to her about him kicking you out of YOUR room and YOUR bed--personally I think if he has a problem with you, he should be the one to make other arrangements for himself. I think he is really having a very tough time with this inside and won't admit it. I'm so sorry for your struggles. Hang in there, you're in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))

deleted_user 03/18/2011

I honestly dont think he is going to change unless he has therapy and he may not do it as maybe things happened to him too, I am only speculating. I think the only way your marriage will survive this is if you agree to disagree on this issue. You cant change him or make him see the light you can only change you. Dont quit therapy for him, you are doing the right thing.Keep on keeping on the right path for you. This is like the elephant in the living room and he doesnt want to admit it is there. We are all with you here and hugs to you.

mommaKL 03/19/2011

Thank you guys. I did look up gaslighting and am going to really discuss that with my counselor. I ofcourse will still see her every week no matter what he says. He has agreed to go with me, we need some help.
I hate the set backs in our relationship b/c of the pedophile. He has taken so much from my daughter and from us. He will forever affect my family. I hate him for all he has done.

tomram 03/19/2011

MommaKL,

It's allot easier to stick you're head in the sand and avoid reality right ? Well that is exactly what you're husband is doing, and he must think that is the best way to deal with the issues. I've witnessed the exact same behavior from my in-laws. They seem to think the old "sweep under the rug" response is the best. However, the opposite is *ALWAYS* the case. The more we try to bury and avoid dealing with these issues, the more they continue to fester.

I also want to say in my humble opinion I believe you have every right to *HATE* the monster who has caused so much pain to you all.

Dysfunction breeds dysfunction and that is why you're husband will continue to have problems dealing with it, until he comes to the realization his father is a pedophile.

Good Luck !

woulddoitagain 03/19/2011

I too looked up the term gaslighting...WOW. Now I actually have a name to attach to what my mother is doing to me. She fits it to a tee - it all makes so much more sense now. Thanks Cantseethelight.

woulddoitagain 03/19/2011

I too looked up the term gaslighting...WOW. Now I actually have a name to attach to what my mother is doing to me. She fits it to a tee - it all makes so much more sense now. Thanks Cantseethelight.

deleted_user 03/20/2011

The fact your husband was raised by this pedophile would deeply concern me. It is possible he was not abused, but I don't know. My ex's stepkids swear he never touched them. I just cannot fathom how he did not abuse them, & yet he abused his only biological child.

Btw, "gaslighting"I have never heard that term, but it reminds me of what my ex used to do to me.

mommaKL 03/21/2011

I honestly do not think my husband was sexually abused by his father. He was raised though by a very controlling strict unattached person that he admits he never felt totally comfortable with or close to. My FIL just has this holy image. Pentacostal, church at least 3x a week. At every funeral and always visiting the sick in the hospital.
I believe my FIL thought my daughter was okay to abuse b/c she was not his blood. I still have my concerns about my youngest daughter. Anytime I talk about how sick some ppl are, she thinks I am "sick" and wierd for thinking there are so many pervs in this world...shame but they are not only in this world but in our own family. He had total access to my two youngest, more than the one he abused for 5 years. They stayed at their house all the time. My MIL thinks b/c all the little grandkids run right to him and just love him that there is no way he could of done this....DENIAL, does it ever end??? Priests molest children all the time, what makes my religous FIL above it??? Nothing!!!

woulddoitagain 03/22/2011

Your absolutely right mommaKL. Every week the news has a a story about a priest molesting children. This is how they get away with this stuff...it's all about image. Nobody will believe because of who they are in the community. The same thing with teachers and scout leaders. Don't get me wrong the majority of them are great and great role models, but the ones who aren't...they have the perfect cover up and and they've picked the perfect place to find their victims.

deleted_user 03/23/2011

I hate to bring this up, but he may be in "denial" and avoiding therapy, which I hope your children are in, because he was molested and also...could be the molester. I'm dealing with that now. It was very hard for me to swallow and we aren't even married any longer, but it could be, in your case, the same. Watch for signs...I'm assuming you know the signs now. He may be "putting his head in the sand" to avoid being caught!

annholly 03/24/2011

They are sheep in wolf's clothing. They hide behind their religion and self rightousness! How sick. He wont be able to hide when he takes his final breath! Hang in there girlfriend!

mommaKL 03/24/2011

We have an appointment this Saturday for counseling. He needs help accepting his father is not who or what he thought he was. We will get through this. I do not have my youngest two in therapy, my daughter that was molested by my FIL is in weekly therapy and art therapy 2x a month. I am trying to get my youngest girl to go under the pretense it's for her ocd stuff and see if the counselor can get anything out of her. Some days I think it is possible my FIL got to her and then others I don't. I want to know though.
Annholly they do hide behind their religion and I know God will have the final say with him.
Woulddoitagain sadly you are right the church is the perfect place to find victims esp...since his wife has always been the Sunday school teacher.

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