Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
(Background- My son disclosed abuse in 2018 that had been going on for over a year at the hands of his father's girlfriend's son--I call him his stepbrother. His father had known for at least three months prior to disclosure that the boy had abused others, also knew that our son had severe anxiety about going to his house and that I was getting him in therapy for it. He chose not to remove either the stepbrother or our son from the house, nor did he tell me the boy's history. Judge gave him restricted visitation-- has to be at his parents' house, not his house, no overnights, and the abuser cannot ever see or contact my son. Abuser still lives with my son's father. To this day, father doesn't think he himself did anything wrong in this situation and also doesn't think any of it was that big a deal.)
Sorry for the lengthy background.
This post is relevant to this forum, though it may not seem so at first. Bear with me.
I'm currently on my third cold in seven weeks, have many other symptoms lately that made me suspect something may be going on with my immune system. I spoke to my cousin (a nurse) about this, and she said, "It might be stress. That can affect your immune system." I told her that I'm not stressed. She laughed and said, "You're always stressed. You just don't recognize it anymore." I brushed it aside and didn't think about it.
But the next day, as I was going about my normal Saturday routine, sitting in my son's grandparents' driveway waiting for the time to knock on the door to pick him up, I realized, "Oh wow. Yeah. This isn't normal."
You see, two days a week (Sat and Sun), every week (with a few exceptions for illness, etc) for three years and ten months, I have dropped my son off somewhere where I am genuinely worried he will be sexually abused. Then that evening I drive back and pick him up, worried until he gets in my car and tells me how his day was, that he will tell me his abuser was there that day, and his abuser raped him. So if I do the math and take a few days out for illness or whatnot, I have repeated this process over 350 times. On 350 separate days, I have dropped my son off somewhere where I have real reason to worry that he'll be raped, have held my breath for seven hours until he is back with me and I know that he wasn't. (I admit that it has gotten slightly easier over the years, that the worry/fear isn't as intense. The first few months nearly killed me. But it's still there.)
And I'm just going about my life as if this is a normal way to live. Now I think about everyone I know, all the parents I know, and...they don't do this. Their lives aren't this. They don't worry about this. Their children don't have PTSD. They don't have children who have expressed happiness over a new lactose intolerance because bowel movements no longer feel like/remind him of what his abuser did to him. I could go on and on as you all know. But this has been going on for so long, he and I have been dealing with all of this for so long, that I no longer know any different. Intellectually I know other people don't live this way, but I cannot imagine it.
That boy who abused my son stole so much from him, from us. This has just been a hard realization.
I'm so glad you wrote these revelations here, because you aren't the only one who has entertained these thoughts!! It is SOOO hard to know that most people live blithely without irrational fears and the illnesses they can create. It seems immensely unfair. This is where I am reminded that no family is perfectly happy -- all face stresses/worries/tension, often daily. And -- like us in this group -- the worst thing they have ever faced IS the worst thing they have ever faced. So...all of us have faced the "worst." So far.
Some moms worry themselves sick about whether their child will get into Harvard instead of Princeton. It probably seems petty and ridiculous to those of us who have to worry about our children's basic safety. But we can feel less alone by recognizing the universality of suffering. And we can thank God that we in this group have each other to understand more or less exactly what each of us is going through.
In my case, worrying about my daughter led not to a nameable illness, but to tension and distractibility. In turn, these led to a car accident that was clearly MY fault. My knee will never be as strong as it was (I slammed so hard on the brakes that I tore some ligaments), but I hate to think of the healing challenges the other driver faced. Not indirectly, these are consequences caused by the Nazi who raped my little girl.
Beyond the emotional, internal costs of PTSD to us and to our children what more does PTSD cause? How much do the worries of parents whose children have been sexually abused cost society in terms of accidents, lost work hours, illness and substance abuse? How much have we paid in medical bills for illnesses that can "only" be found in our children's heads (yet still seem to manifest in their daily lives)?
Keep coming! Keep writing! Don't let the stress eat you alive. Get it out of your head and onto this page.
It sucks and I am sorry you are going through this. Naïve is correct in her comments, and ugh, you are so right on the point SurvivalModeMomma, expressing what you feel is similar to my own feelings. The worry, the stress, and boop, time has flown by but the intensity of what we feel doesn’t go away. Sometimes it’s less and then not. And I consider that as the parent who feels most defensive for their child is at the minimum feels that a great offense has been done when our kid is violated. So yeah, PTSD, all around.
I’m really sorry for what you and your child is going through. Thank you for taking the time to write out what has been bothering you. It’s not easy to type out all the words that tell how one feels, and I hope your burden is lessened as we all carry it with you now. Hugs.