I may have energy to watch later. The boy who worked as an "apprentice" to his rapist father -- I do wonder about him, knowing he, too, was abused by his father, as was his sister. But the fact that his father isn't in jail tells me that neither sibling was strong enough to report him to the police, so we can assume that their healing has been superficial at best....

Good to see you back. Glad you're feeling positive!

Have you ever thought about contacting those children?They may have reported and not believed,or maybe he got off.Warrior,I also believe that children who are offenders are usually abused or curious to the extent that they like the power over the abused.Children are not born evil,but are pedophiles not children at one time?So to excuse children are you not letting them grow up to be adult offenders?I guess maybe if it was caught early and addressed they have an opportunity to be rehabilitated.But there are some who believe an adult offenders cannot be cured

Hopefulmama,
NEVER excusing an act of predatory nature! Murderers were also once kids but we don't treat every biology-minded kid as a murderer...otherwise, I'd be in trouble! What this very learned therapist explains is simply that KIDS need to be treated differently then adults for so many evidential reasons. Your nephew is one who would show signs if re-offending because he wasn't repentant, didn't tell the truth, was dismissive of the pain he'd caused, etc. Although, it doesn't help that he has parents/grandparents dismissing his actions so openly! Healthy family unit support is key to a child NOT reoffending!

Maybe one day I can watch it. Not now. My 8 year old abused by his 12 yr old friend. Who lives right next door. The abuser is denying denying. The Mom my ex best friend, is also in denial. I am really afraid of nothing being done. Its been 3 weeks since my kids foresenic interview and we still have not been able to go interview with the police because of the detectives schedule............ If nothing is done what in the world will happen. If NOTHING is done, how on earth is it ok to accept that?????????? I know hes a kid but my god. Threatning and holding down my kid...etc.. So angry and frustrated and sad . I pray there is some age appropriate consequences for this. And most definitely help for the abuser.

My daughters offender is her cousin,4years older.Nothing happened,his grandmother hired him a lawyer and he didn't even have to talk to the police.Fortunatly we live 9 hours from him but it has taken a long time to accept that he got off.My daughter still doesn't know,I can't bear to tell her.You will find a way,keep your head up.And btw the state I live in allows us to report everytime my daughter remembers something new,in fact her therapist has reported 4times,nothing came of it but just an inconvenience for him.

Momabearx10, your young neighbor sounds a lot like the son of the man who repeatedly raped my 8-yr-old daughter. He (the son) also held my little girl down (they were almost the same age). Where did he learn this?

It must be extremely painful to live in the same neighborhood as this family, with this knowledge. I didn't know until 15 years after we moved far away. My daughter is still terrified of that pair, and we have not taken legal action (one year left on statute of limitations). I hope justice will speed up for you, and that a thorough investigation will take place. I hope your ex-friend will soon be willing to face facts: someone has abused your son's abuser. Was it daddy? It was someone. I hope that person is uncovered as well.

Momabear, so sorry for what you're going through. Your situation reminds me very much of my own.

I watched the TedTalk and some of the things that she stated were very much what the juvenile who assaulted my daughter said: he knew it was wrong, he though she would let him because she cared for/trusted him, he was afraid to try anything with girls his own age. And yet none of this makes me feel better about juvenile offenders. If anything it seems chillingly predatory. Maybe they are not pedophiles, but they clearly have bad personalities to put it mildly. I don't see how this is supposed to make me more forgiving.

And, I don't want to sound dismissive. I totally agree that these kids need treatment and need to be treated as children. I just also feel like being uninformed about masturbation leading to an older child plotting and attacking a younger one says much about these children's moral compasses.

Mommabearx10,
My children were also abused by my "best friend's" kids...and later I found out her too. She wasn't as "bad", i.e. she didn't rape them or use weapons on them which have left scars all over their bodies, or videotape them (I don't think), BUT, she dismissed practically everything my kids ever told her about what her kids were doing and from what my youngest said DID try to involve my kids in their family sexual perversions! She was physically abusive to my daughter. She possibly took naked photos in front of my little guy. Ultimately, my point is, even with all 200 pages of disclosures that we submitted to the police AND an interview where the main child suspect was interviewed and confessed to SOME stuff, NOTHING happened. They wanted a stronger case to go against a minor because in my state, CA, children 12 and under are not held accountable in the legal way unless there's overwhelming evidence. So, this family was able to move to another country & pretend it was to be "missionaries." Not to discourage you, but learn evrything YOU can do legally to protect your son and DON'T expect the legal system to necessarily respond the way you hope. It's sad but true...and a whole other part of the grieving process.

Ok, so something that I think can be clarified is the differentiation between a young pedophile/future abuser vs. a curious child/sexually exposed child.

1) The 1st child usually has "conduct disorder" which means they are callous and unemotional. They scheme with little regard as to how their plan will hurt others, are pathological liars, have no regrets even when they get caught & are given consequences and MIGHT even seem to enjoy others being in pain due to their evil actions! They are manipulative & premeditate their abuse.

I dealt with that from our "monster family" friend's children.

To watch a kid sit, stare & even smile at your daughter while she's bleeding because you cut her ankle with a knife while raping her and she's keeping your secret even as the evidence is pouring out in front of her mother, begging to comfort but she won't be comforted...and she won't leave...THAT is twisted!

To visit your liver-failing, cancer patient, "best friend" and encourage him to not give up hope and then go back to your home and rape his little sister the next day because his mom will be with him in the hospital and so his sister is stuck at your house for the day...and to never confess, EVER...THAT is twisted!

2) A hyper sexual child has either been exposed to too much sexually explicit material (either through porn on the internet, a friend telling dirty stories, or an accidental peep at the magazine rack at 7-11) or been sexually abused themselves so therefore they try to make sense of it by acting out on other kids OR they are simply biologically (mentally or physically) wired to be too impulsive and go with whatever their body says feels good. It would be more an accident that they figures out what works to stimulate and want to "share" their find with friends...especially if nobody has taught them Anything about the birds & the bees.

This child would pull pants down and try to put privates together to simulate something they saw just to see how it worked.

Or urinate into someone's mouth because they saw mom's boyfriend do "that" to their mom and he wanted to be a big boy like him.

Or they have been told they'll probably die so when your little sister comes and gets naked in your room, you follow suit because why not?! You're going to die anyways...see what this whole female thing is about like the porn you had found while stuck in the hospital! But it's your sister...so only touching, not sex, that's for marriage. Besides, she wants to!

Do you see the difference? Look, I'm not saying that either type is right. I'm saying that WHEN you get to the point of healing where you want to know WHY, this might give you some answers...and even compassion/foregiveness...but trust me, I know that's FAR IN THE FUTURE! ;)

Oh, I might add, the 2nd child will be terribly sorry once they've been caught, humbly accept a "deserved" punishment once they realize what they did was wrong and want/try to get better. Although it might take time to turn off their sexualized habits(1 1/2 years for my kids)...but they can!

Dear Warrior, I need to say that I found your posts enlightening. thanks for that differentiation you make. My children (raped and videotaped by their grandparents - my in-laws) from two to four years-old, are sweet, nice, innocent, pure in every aspect, good students and good friends, respectful of cousins, friends, etc. But I admit my worst nightmare is that, in spite of treatment, of love, of our efforts (and theirs) to strive, they end-up by being abusers themselves, be it as teenagers, be it as grand-parents themselves, when I will not be around to support/guide them any longer. Because the deep scars in their brains and minds persist (they are now 5 and 7 and still talk, like this very same morning before going to school) that they would prefer to take their own, young tender lives away rather than remember what their grandparents did to them (they gave details, especially the eldest). So what to do if (God forbid) they abuse in the future? I would OF COURSE take them out of society, AND reported to the police so they do not harm again, but how should be judged? I will take courage and watch the video.

OK. I watched the video (Ted Talk). I loved it. Thank you for sharing, Warrior. I admit that I am so innerly afraid that my babies could eventually become monster abusers on their own in the future…. so it was good (and timely) for me to listen to the clarifications, statistics and myths presented by the Ted talker. I confess: sometimes I "see" the monster actions on my children's - very rare- acting out. As if they had incorporated the bastard. I know this is crazy and unfair to my now 7 and 5 years old! They might sense my fear about the future.

Threemusketeersback3,
Oh how I wish I could reach through this computer and give you a big hug! I am so glad that I could encourage you in your journey of both healing & motherhood! I am grateful to have stumbled upon this Ted talk because it even gave ME the need to pause and reflect more.

I too have a little guy, 6 now, abused between 2-3 1/2 (both raped, cut & possibly videotaped, molested by at least 4 others & his sister) and he too, lately way to often, claims that he'd rather die and run away than live in this world. It breaks my heart so I know your struggle. It breaks our tender mommy hearts! But we have to give our babies the chance to be babies since their innocence was already stolen...we MUST fight and see them as children. I work very hard to not ponder my baby wanting to be with males when he's older...as you struggle with yours being monsters. But the truth is, that as LEAST right now, our children are JUST precious children. Let them be that in your eyes. <3

Thanks, dear Warrior, I felt your hug in the distance :O)) I have to say that the fear you mention is ALSO a fear I have, that what my in-laws (and a ring of pedophiles that operated along with my father in law) did to them make my babies want to be with males in the future. I am very respectful of every sexual orientation, but it would break my heart, again, to discover that my children's sexual orientation is not their choice or call but another sordid consequence of having been raped as toddlers and pre-K babies. That would be the ultimate curse from my horrible father-in-law. And yes they are really precious children, sometimes when I am putting them to bed in their beautiful super hero pajamas, I make the joke that I am searching on their little backs and shoulders the remaining of the little wings they for sure wore when God sent them to me. They love the idea!