Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
So after disclosure nearly five years ago I did what I could to keep a positive relationship between my children and their grandmother (who sided with the abuser). I did everything I could to hide my mother's hateful comments (directed at me when children weren't around) because my children still had warm fuzzy feelings for her and she still showed some affection toward them (though not what she used to before disclosure). At the time my therapist thought this was a good idea as well. His contention was as long as she's still active in their life and they're happy about that then keep doing it.
As my children are older and more perceptive I have started to wonder if it was the right thing to do. One of my boys asked me tonight if everything between me and grandma was back to normal. That took me off guard a little, but I answered as best I could and told him that grandma and I would probably never have the relationship that we once had. I said as much as I understood that she is hurting too and this was her way of dealing with it that I would no longer be her mental punching bag. I told him this shouldn't change the way he feels about her because she loves him very much. I then asked how long he's known that my relationship with grandma has been strained, He said he noticed about two years ago. I'm starting to wish I would have just ripped that bandaid off 5 years ago and let the relationship take its natural course.
I believe I'm just as disgusted by her as I am the abuser. I have so much anomisty and hostility for this woman it literally makes me sick. I don't want my children to feel the same hate I feel! Obviously what I thought I was hiding so well has been right out in the open for my children to see.
Ugh!!! I keep praying that the choices I've made are the right ones. I just want what everyone wants for their children. To grow up happy, healthy, and secure. To grow up feeling loved, respected and trusted. To grow up knowing that their parents believe in them.
As my children are older and more perceptive I have started to wonder if it was the right thing to do. One of my boys asked me tonight if everything between me and grandma was back to normal. That took me off guard a little, but I answered as best I could and told him that grandma and I would probably never have the relationship that we once had. I said as much as I understood that she is hurting too and this was her way of dealing with it that I would no longer be her mental punching bag. I told him this shouldn't change the way he feels about her because she loves him very much. I then asked how long he's known that my relationship with grandma has been strained, He said he noticed about two years ago. I'm starting to wish I would have just ripped that bandaid off 5 years ago and let the relationship take its natural course.
I believe I'm just as disgusted by her as I am the abuser. I have so much anomisty and hostility for this woman it literally makes me sick. I don't want my children to feel the same hate I feel! Obviously what I thought I was hiding so well has been right out in the open for my children to see.
Ugh!!! I keep praying that the choices I've made are the right ones. I just want what everyone wants for their children. To grow up happy, healthy, and secure. To grow up feeling loved, respected and trusted. To grow up knowing that their parents believe in them.
I had to sever a relationship with my bio-mom several years ago because it was a toxic relationship. My children no longer see her either (their choice). It was the best decision I ever made. Some family members who cross the line have no business being a part of our lives. It seems like you mother falls into this catergory. Because your children are still underage I would be concerned for their safety and well-being around this woman and it shouldn't matter who she is. It is your decision. It seems like torture for you to be around her so why do it I ask? Your children can surely find other people in their lives who haven't treated them with less love and affection after this was disclosed so why do they have to have this 1/2 a grandma in their lives. I mean she is behind you all 100 % or not. I hope you are able to make the right decision for your family.
Cutting family members out of your life is never easy but necessary. We had to kick our adult son out of our lives (very difficult but necessary). Anyone who sides with him is not welcome around us. So far the only one who has sided with him has been his current girlfriend. I am so sorry that she has put you thru this-she could have been such a wonderful healing ally for you and your children. Don't allow her to hurt you or your children anymore. Laura
Your goals for your children are wonderful. Will grandma help in achieving them?
You did nothing wrong, so why is she punishing you?
You are your children's protector, why is she tearing you down?
It seems like a confrontation with your mom is inevitable unless you want the relationship to continue as it is now. You have a right to be treated with respect and love. Do not settle for less. Of course you don't want to hurt your kids and make a snap decision based on anger. I guess the bottom line for me was that they are so truly messed up and cannot be trusted.
Keep praying and I will pray for you as well. Sometimes family is who you choose, not blood.