So after disclosure nearly five years ago I did what I could to keep a positive relationship between my children and their grandmother (who sided with the abuser). I did everything I could to hide my mother's hateful comments (directed at me when children weren't around) because my children still had warm fuzzy feelings for her and she still showed some affection toward them (though not what she used to before disclosure). At the time my therapist thought this was a good idea as well. His contention was as long as she's still active in their life and they're happy about that then keep doing it.

As my children are older and more perceptive I have started to wonder if it was the right thing to do. One of my boys asked me tonight if everything between me and grandma was back to normal. That took me off guard a little, but I answered as best I could and told him that grandma and I would probably never have the relationship that we once had. I said as much as I understood that she is hurting too and this was her way of dealing with it that I would no longer be her mental punching bag. I told him this shouldn't change the way he feels about her because she loves him very much. I then asked how long he's known that my relationship with grandma has been strained, He said he noticed about two years ago. I'm starting to wish I would have just ripped that bandaid off 5 years ago and let the relationship take its natural course.

I believe I'm just as disgusted by her as I am the abuser. I have so much anomisty and hostility for this woman it literally makes me sick. I don't want my children to feel the same hate I feel! Obviously what I thought I was hiding so well has been right out in the open for my children to see.

Ugh!!! I keep praying that the choices I've made are the right ones. I just want what everyone wants for their children. To grow up happy, healthy, and secure. To grow up feeling loved, respected and trusted. To grow up knowing that their parents believe in them.