Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hello,
My name is Kristen, I am a 38 year old mother of 3. My husband was killed just over 2 years ago in a car accident with a drunk driver. I have a 21 year old son from a previous relationship, who has a baby girl of his own. I also have two little girls, who are 5 and 7. I am very new to this whole thing and was given information about this group as resource.
It's my youngest daughter who was sexually abused. I can't begin to tell you the guilt I feel. I took my husband's death very hard, we'd been together for 16 years, married for 7. I have struggled with addiction in the past and slipped up and had gone back to drinking for a period of time after he was killed. I feel like if I had been paying more attention this wouldn't have happened. I work as a special needs teacher. Our local school's kindergarten is only a half day so my daughter went to a local older woman's house who had a day care program. It was her adult son who molested and raped my daughter. We live in a fairly small mountain community so I'm mad at myself for not seeing the risk.
Beyond my own guilt, my daughter has been struggling. The doctors and therapists we've seen have said while she doesn't quite understand what happened to her she knows she was hurt. She was always a very shy, quiet little girl. But she's gotten so much more introverted since. Her older sister, my 7 year old, has been Deaf since birth, so we've always used sign language at home. But my youngest daughter stopped speaking for months. She won't go near adult men, including my son (when he's in town he lives across the country), my husband's best friend who has lived with us (he was in the accident with my husband and while survived was paralyzed), etc. She's always loved her ballet and other dance classes, but never wants to go. Same with school, she always starts complaining her tummy doesn't feel good, and while I wish I could I can't stay home with her all the time, I need to work since my husband died. But I don't trust leaving her or my other daugher with anyone else. Unfortunately our town doesn't have a specialized child therapist who works with victims of sexual assault.
I just... don't know. Sorry for such a heavy introduction. Thank you.
Kristen
I took my daughter to the ER, after I found evidence of the abuse giving her a bath. They of course called the police. It's been a hellish 5-6 months. My daughter refused to talk, so they investigated every single adult man in her life with access. No one knew that the day care owner had a son let alone that he lived with her. He was out on parole for a rape conviction in the state over, he wasn't supposed to leave the state and of course hadn't registered. He's back in prison in the other state for the parole violation, they're not sure if they're going to pursue charges here just because of how my daughter never definitively identified him.
We just got through an awful trial not too long before, with the drunk college kid who was responsible for the accident that killed my husband. He was a wealthy tourist and they let him plead out so he got time served and probation. I'm so burnt out with the criminal justice system. I don't really know if I could go through it again, let alone my daughter. As long as he's in jail far away.
The 504 plan is a great idea. I actually co-ordinate our school district's special education department, I'm a former ASL interpreter and Deaf education teacher myself. My older daughter is on an IEP because she's profoundly Deaf, so she has a pretty long list of services she needs. I know we currently don't have any 504 plans for sexually abused children, but it's such a great idea. I guess on the bright side I can draft it. I'll just get in touch with her teacher and the special needs program at her elementary school (two of my good friends) so we can probably have that in place when we get back from break.
Do you have other children? My eldest daughter is a very resilient and out-going little girl. She doesn't mind how much extra attention my youngest had needed, but she's starting to get upset that she can't "help her sister feel better".
First of all, my condolences for the loss of your husband.
Second, yes, people who sexually abuse children are opportunists, and knowing that Mom is using makes for a predictable opportunity. However that STILL does not make you guilty in the least. No parent deserves for this to happen. And it happens even if both parents are alive, fully sober, and even in the same room!! Abusers will take any risk, if they think they can get away with it. And if they're not sure, they threaten their young victims so they stay quiet. It's good that you were able to find evidence, to end the silence.
Third, don't wait any longer for counseling. Get your daughter into some sort of counseling ASAP. It's worth a drive to the nearest large town. AND get yourself into counseling, too. CONGRATULATIONS for not relapsing since your daughter disclosed, but your substance history mean you definitely need extra support. Be sure to go to AA as often as possible. It will help you to deal with your guilt, anger and exhaustion in a productive way.
Finally, be sure to visit www.mosac.net. It's full of information about how to help BOTH your daughters, as well as yourself.
You have been traveling through a very dark tunnel. Close your eyes often and imagine how it will feel to reach the light.
Thousands of hugs.
Both girls go to therapy we don't have a CAC in our area yet but we're fortunate a great child therapist moved to town a few years back. She even knows ASL which is perfect for my oldest who is Deaf. My 7 year old really benefited from play therapy after my husband passed away. She was 5. Maddy was only 3.
@naive12 i dont know if the monster knew i had relapsed. He knew her father was dead. Add that to the fact she's always been a shy child. She doesn't really like to play with other kids. She daydreams a lot. She's so sweet, it makes me sick all these wonderful traits made her more vulnerable.
The woman who watched maddy is still in town. She came up to us jn the grocery store the other day maddy was so upset she started sobbing and dry heaving.
I wish i could take time off work and take her to the CAC therapist in denver but i can't. I used all mu FMLA when my husband died and when i had to be in treatment.
My in laws have offered to let her stay with them for a little bit but im not sure. I dont want her away from me and my father in law is old school. When the girls stayed with them 2 years ago je was really hard on Brianna my oldest to talk and not use sign language. It was bad.
I really can't thank you all enough. I didnt know where i could find support about this. :hugs:
Didn't get far with play therapy unfortunately but pcit was great followed by a trauma specialist.
Im sorry for what happened my girl lost her enjoyment in life for a good year but it did finally return praise the Lord. She dealt with many similar ptsd symptoms and it felt hard to help her feel better.
One therapist said to tell her "you are safe, mommy won't hurt your body" my daughter wouldn't even snuggle with me anymore but when I said that it was like her whole body relaxed. It was strange that I would have to reassure her I mean I'm her mom but after being abused by her grandpa I guess her sense of safety was really affected. It worked so well I said it often to her in the beginning.
She doesn't show the signs of ptsd like before but little things do show up from time to time. But at this point nothing keeps her from doing what she enjoys.
I agree don't send her to grandparents she needs you and heaven forbid something else happens. I kept my daughter close after that I still don't trust people. I wouldnt do a home daycare but maybe the school has a program like ours or a center with better accountability.
It does get better make sure you are taking care of yourself too.
A couple things I wanted to suggest. My one son had an IEP for a medical issue (kidney transplantation) and language learning deficits and attention challenges, he was classified under other health impaired. I'm wondering if your daughter can be classified for that too. I have an older son who had a 504 plan, and the difference from my perspective was that under the IEP there were more options in what to include in the IEP and more services he was eligible for that had to be provided by the school district. A school psychologist could be utilized to do some of the play therapy, art therapy, music therapy, etc. to help your daughter heal.
Also, in our case, our older son rescued a dog from a shelter, and it was really therapeutic for all of us. I know in your situation it may not be feasible to adopt a pet, but I'm wondering if just going to an animal shelter (or even a neighbor or family member) and helping to feed or walk or pet a few of the "residents" could also be a valuable therapy for her.
Hope this is helpful, so sorry for your need to be here, but very glad you reached out for support. Sending you big {{{hugs}}} and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm actually the special needs coordinator for our school district. I used to be a special needs teacher. My oldest daughter who is 7 was born profoundly Deaf so she's on an IEP. Someone here suggested a 504 and that's a great idea. I already called her kindergarten teacher and the special needs director at her elementary school. I'll keep everyone updated!!
We have 4 pets 2 dogs and 2 cats all rescue. Maddy is closest to one of the cats..
Since the play therapy wasn't as successful i hope some of these new methods help.
I was up all night witb her again. Everytime she wakes up shaking and crying my heart breaks again.