Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
This past Sunday evening, our world was flipped upside down. My 5 year old son told us he has been sexually abused by my 11 year old stepson. I cannot even begin to describe what the past week has been like for us. We had to file reports with the Dept of Children & Families and the police. At this point, I don't even think we know all the details of what occured. My stepson typcially spends a week with us and a week at his mothers house. He has been removed from our house and there is no contact order issued. The boys go to the same school and aren't even allowed to speak. There is a good chance my stepson will have to move schools. My 5 year old is doing great. From time to time he will tell us about something that occurs and we just thank him for telling us and tell him we're sorry that happened to him. We found great counselors for both boys and start therapy this week. One of the biggest challenges right now is my 5 year old understands what his brother did is wrong, yet he misses him and wants to see him. It breaks my heart to know that their relationship has forever changed.
Another concern is what this means legally for my stepson. An attorney was hired today. There is no doubt he will be charged, and the attorney is there to try and reduce the charges as much as possible. We have been told this is a long road and could take months. My son and another potential victim have interviews with child protective services next week. From there it will go to the state attorneys office to determine next steps. My stepson is going to have a pyshco-sexual evaluation. I understand the investigation along with the results of the examanation will determine how severe the consequences are.
I feel horrible for my husband as he is in the middle of all of this. He is devastated by what happened to our son, and has the mixed emotions of being angry at his other son yet worried about his mental health and something is clearly not right for him to do what he did to his brother.
It's incredible how life changing this is. The one thing I am grateful for is that my son knew enough that was happening was wrong and felt comfortable enough to tell us. From what we know at this point, we think this has been going on for a month and there were a handful of occurences. It's still beyond my worst possible nightmare, but I am at least glad it's not something that has been going on for years. I'm just terrified to learn the true of extent of what has happened. My stepson is a great liar so we don't know if everything is out in the open yet.
Right now, we are all trying to support both boys the best we can. It's been a true roller coaster of emotions from disgust, anger, sadness and I never know what each moment will bring. Every time my son says "hey mommy" or "hey daddy" I have to brace myself. He either tells us a funny story about his day or reveals more details about what his brother did. No parent should ever have to be prepared to hear their child describe things that happened to them which they should not even know about at such a young age.
Any advice that anyone has who has been in a similar situation is greatly appreciated.
I don't want to put this all on the board so if you write me privately I can tell you how I handles it. I came from Canada and the guy got a slap on the wrist but my soon got very good counselling . contact me and we can chat Casey
Today was difficult. I am exhausted from lack of sleep. This morning my husband had to go to the older ones football game and had to lie to our son about where he was going as he can’t go because of the no contact order. I thought that things were fine and we were out shopping and I just randomly started tearing up. I don’t know what came over me. Then my husband almost lost it with our son a few times today. He is very strong willed and had a few outbursts. My husband is so stressed that he couldn’t handle it. I had to step in and calm my son down. My husband said he shouldn’t get a pass on his behavior because of this. I agree 100% but it’s hard as I don’t know if some of the outburst is related to confusion/anger about what has happened. Today is the first day he has not asked for his brother.
Right now I am just taking this day by day. I am so grateful each time I see my son smile and hear his infectious laugh. I’m also thankful that my husband and I have a strong relationship and can lean on each other. Luckily we seem to have our breakdowns at alternate times. I know we have a long road ahead and have much worse to deal with, but I know we will somehow get through it.
Again, thank you for all your support. It truly helps knowing I’m not alone in this!
I love the USA now but wish that they would have kicked out Trump in the first three months when they could. That the same I think of our person Truduea is no better. He is spending every cent Canadians make to make homes for refuge's and immigrants. I understand I have a heart to but geez , when we can't feed our own , and our own people cannot find jobs I think the all full sign has to go up. Sorry got on my soap box. Any way I will share all my knowledge if it will help anyone just drop me a note I understand we have to becareful what we say on DS Groups, because we don't want to trigger others. God bless big hugs casey
Perhaps, in this time of separation, you could help the boys "communicate" to "each other" by writing in a journal specifically labeled "dear big/little brother?" This would aid on multiple levels in their healing...
1) they would feel as though they had a way to stay connected to each other (even though, to be clear, the journals would not be exchanged until the no contact order was lifted and only if the therapists involved agreed to this being a good idea.)
2) it would give them both a way to process out what happened, allowing them to work through some of those secret feelings they don't know how to talk about...mayve even disclose more. But through pictures & words, everyone would get a better idea what is going on between them two.
3) they would be able to create a make believe world that is safe and outside the reality of what's going on right now.
If this idea seems like a good one to you, I would buy To The boys journals, label the outside "Dear "name"", and write a little note inside that makes it seem like a safe place to "talk" to their sibling about their day using words like "safe," "magical," "make believe," "private," etc. Wrap them up and have your hubby give the 11 year old his & you give the 5 year old his. Make it a special, required evening activity before they go to bed where they have to draw a picture or write their feelings to "share" with their sibling before going to bed. I would not let the 5 year old know that you peek at night to see what it says (which you will) but make this something he brings to therapy to share with the therapist. Also, share with the 11 year old's therapist about his journal so he can hold him "accountable" to bring it to therapy & therefore keep processing out what he did to his little brother.
Journals have worked wonders for our children!