Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I am so distraught and have tried talking to numerous people clergy and 2 therapists.My life is miserable and I can't seem to function,with all the things that I have learned that my sisters son did to my 3 boys when they were 8,6 and 4.25 years later it haunts me every day.When my husband and I found out about this my sisters son was 14.My children went right into therapy.my oldest son has passed away 2 years ago from congestive heart failure,but we had talked so much over the years of what that disgusting pig did to him and my son who is now 30 remembers so much it went on for 3 years.The guilt I feel is horrible and to make matters worse my 5 siblings all pushed it under the rug and still spend every holiday with this pervert,while my family of course doesn't go to any family functions because he is there.I hate him with everything in me and the therapists and pastor says I have to forgive but I can't.Just don't have any idea what to do with such hateful feelings toward him,and i am ashamed to say that I let him get to me that way.He has never in all these years said anything to my kids,I feel he never had remorse and I just don't know what to do to give myself and my family some peace.
Holidays are a stressful time for most families. How much more so for us? We may have the added betrayal of siblings; in-laws; spouses; adult children and extended family, when they align themselves with the perpetrator.
I know this scenario all too well, when it came to my husband's family. The morning after my daughters' disclosure, I called their Godparents (my husband's cousins) as we literally had no place to go. They were horrified by the news that their Goddaughters had been sexually abused by their father. They told us to drive the 2 hours to their home immediately.
If you're wondering why I didn't go to a relative in my family, it's because I've no family other than my 5 children and grandchildren. (I am an only child; my parents are deceased and I'm not in touch with any of my cousins). When I married my husband, his family LITERALLY became mine. I felt as if I had been adopted, not just a bride.
When I arrived @ the God parents' house, they were welcoming. I had only $25 to my name. I asked them if we could stay temporarily, while I applied for emergency assistance; food stamps, Medicaid and subsidized housing. I told them I wanted to spare the girls the trauma of living in a homeless shelter: they had been through too much already.
My husband started calling the house. I refused to take his calls for about 4-5 days. The God parents were growing inpatient. I explained that I needed a week or so just to "wrap my mind around" what their cousin had done. In the meantime, I talked to my husband only twice. The first time he assured me that he would NEVER abuse our daughters. He said there could be only 2 explanations for our daughters' behavior. Either H was "mentally ill," OR I had fabricated the allegations, coaching them as to what to say!
I reminded my husband that neither of our daughters had shown signs of a mental illness and that we would know, as he was a psychiatric nurse and I had been a medical social worker. As for the 2nd explanation, I told him that I took their allegations seriously and would never falsely accuse him or anyone else of something that could ruin another's life.
My husband then confronted me by saying, "So you are accusing me then?"
I told him that while I wasn't accusing him of anything YET, I had an obligation to protect our daughters (and myself) until their allegations could be investigated. My husband wanted to know my exact intentions. I told him the girls would continue with counseling and that ultimately I had a moral obligations to contact the authorities. I also told him there'd be no communication between us except through the courts. He called one more time and I ended up hanging up on him.
After that phone call he started harassing me with text messages and voicemails. He wrote that he had retained an attorney, notified all of his family and friends as they knew him to be innocent. He claimed he called our Priests at our Parish. Basically, he was on a campaign to isolate me from any means of emotional support.
Meanwhile, tensions grew between myself and the girls' God parents. After about 2 weeks, they sat me down and asked if I was going to report their father to the authorities. I told them that yes. I would be calling APD and Child Protective Services.
Maria "freaked out." She told me that she didn't want the police and CYFD showing up at her house to conduct an investigation. She actually mentioned that this would EMBARRAS her in front of the neighbors! (I'm not exaggerating here).
She and her husband clearly stated that this was a "marital dispute," ~ not a police matter ~ between me and my husband and that they didn't want to be in the middle!
I was incredulous. I told them that it WAS a police matter as crimes were likely to have been committed!
Then came the ultimatum ( READ blackmail). They warned that if I did turn their cousin in, the girls and I would have to leave immediately. We would not be welcome in their home.
I packed our suitcases and we left the next day. We stayed at a homeless shelter for women and children who are victims of domestic violence, for about 2 months, before moving into an apartment of our own.
After my husband was arrested and formally indicted on criminal charges, this same couple posted his Bail. Because of them, my husband was out of jail on a 3 1/2 year pre-trial release, while the girls and I lived in fear.
How is that for loyalty? I later learned that most families of perpetrators are in denial and take sides.
That having been said, I can't imagine how you feel as your own siblings have sided with your nephew.
Here is a radical idea. I'm full of those! You mentioned that you were particularly close to one of your sisters but ended that relationship this week, because the perpetrator is invited to the family Christmas dinner every year.
If your sister has any redeeming qualities and you truly miss her ~ don't let the perpetrator steal the relationship that you had with her. He's stolen enough from you and your family already. I'm suggesting a "holiday-do-over." Start a family tradition of your own.
If you want to see your sister ~ and any of your other siblings over the holidays ~ then invite them to your house. But make it very CLEAR that the nephew is not invited and should he show up, you will call the police. Also. Make it a rule that they can't so much as bring up his name. No exceptions. Or they'll be asked to leave. Instead of burning bridges ~ set boundaries!
Then, sit back and see what happens. You've nothing to lose at this point: if they can't abide by these conditions, then you've still your Sons and grandchildren to enjoy! If they consider your invitation, be sure to talk to your Sons and their families first, as they may not want to see their assorted Aunts, Uncles and cousins.
Some of you may think I've lost it but that's ok. The point is, as upset as I was about losing the support of my daughters godparents and the rest of my husband's family ~ they are related to me by marriage only. Your siblings are blood. I do make one exception. I wouldn't feel comfortable inviting the perpetrator's parents. Especially as they've run to the defense of their Son time and time again. Also, make sure you discuss these ideas with your 2 Sons. They're the victims here and their comfort and wishes need to be respected. Having a separate celebration might be something to explore. You'll have the opportunity to potentially mend the relationship from the one sister to whom you were close. She thinks about you and has offered to be there if you need someone in the family to talk to.
That says something. Take it from someone without any family ties (other than my children/grandchildren) if I had extended family, I'd try to salvage the relationships that I could. This does not mean that you are betraying or disrespecting your Sons and the memory of your Son who is deceased. If your siblings see that you're willing to be the bigger/better person and "meet them half way," you might be pleasantly surprised.
Obviously I don't know you, your family or the dynamics. If it's not healthy for you to consider this "experiment" (that's kinda what it is) then you must put yourself and your immediate family first. You already know this. And yes. This idea ties into the whole forgiveness theme. I trust you'll make the best decision for your family. I just like to put these ideas out there. However, counter intuitive and radical. kg.