Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I am so distraught and have tried talking to numerous people clergy and 2 therapists.My life is miserable and I can't seem to function,with all the things that I have learned that my sisters son did to my 3 boys when they were 8,6 and 4.25 years later it haunts me every day.When my husband and I found out about this my sisters son was 14.My children went right into therapy.my oldest son has passed away 2 years ago from congestive heart failure,but we had talked so much over the years of what that disgusting pig did to him and my son who is now 30 remembers so much it went on for 3 years.The guilt I feel is horrible and to make matters worse my 5 siblings all pushed it under the rug and still spend every holiday with this pervert,while my family of course doesn't go to any family functions because he is there.I hate him with everything in me and the therapists and pastor says I have to forgive but I can't.Just don't have any idea what to do with such hateful feelings toward him,and i am ashamed to say that I let him get to me that way.He has never in all these years said anything to my kids,I feel he never had remorse and I just don't know what to do to give myself and my family some peace.
First of all, my very deepest sympathies on the loss of your son. No one should have to outlive a child, but I am glad you are still there to love your other sons, who need you, even still.
There is so much "unfinished business" in your life! Your sons, far from being supported by family through their childhood trauma, were rejected, as were you, in favor of this monster who has completely snowed all of those who have turned away from you. I have four siblings, and I love them dearly. I simply cannot imagine losing them all, at once, in such a hurtful way. So....this guy stole your sons' one and only childhood, one I am sure you and your husband were working day and night to make magical and happily memorable. Ruined, or at least, horribly tarnished, while you had NO idea (so you should bear no guilt). I'm sure your sons have good memories of what YOU did for them, but their terror and pain made it impossible for them simply to enjoy the good times. You were living a lie -- you thought you knew what you had, and what your sons lives were like -- but it was all untrue, and you could do NOTHING about it at the time, because you didn't know. And now your son is gone without ever knowing justice.
Forgive that swine? NO WAY. It's not your job. Only God can truly forgive. So why should you? I have heard that forgiveness is actually for your own benefit, not for the person who sinned against you. It's a way of letting it all....go. To put it in God's hands and get on with your own life.
That sounds really good.
It is so much harder than it sounds. I don't know if I can even conceive of forgiving the former neighbor who destroyed my daughter's childhood, and, because of PTSD, part of her adulthood as well. He, too, remains at large, and may never spend a day in jail, even though we know he has more victims. He was not related to us at all, and I still have the love and support of all my siblings. If I can't forgive someone I will probably never see again (at least, not without a hammer in my hand), how can you forgive someone who took away all of these loved ones you once thought would be yours for a lifetime?
I think sometimes people say "Forgive him" because it makes them feel as if they've given you something to do that will solve all your problems. It makes them feel useful. They have no idea what a whirling madness this creates in a parent's soul -- it comes and goes; it dies down for a little bit, and then something reminds us and we cycle back through the grief, the anger, the helplessness. I understand that, for many, it gets more bearable over time. But there's no "solution" to this problem beyond going back in time and never letting your children anywhere near that monster.
Don't be ashamed that you let him get to you. He's the one who should feel ashamed, although these sociopaths never really feel remorse.
So, here's a question for you: what DO you do for yourself? You deserve to do good things for yourself -- you were the best mom you could be -- you just didn't realize you were raising your sons in a war zone. You did nothing wrong, and you deserve to live a life full of meaning, and full of joy in the miracles all around you. Therapy may be helpful, but it's like going to the doctor -- it's not an expression of your soul. I have found that being absorbed in something that means a lot to me is the only way I can completely forget all this pain. It's temporary, but it gives your soul and your mind a rest. I have also found that supporting others who are suffering here has helped me to work through some of the pain. I would encourage you to get involved in supporting others on this site. You are a newcomer today; tragically, by this time next year, this site will be full of new members. You will have plenty of opportunity to share the wisdom you have gained from this horror.
I hope this gives you some comfort. I can feel the pain in your words, and wish you an increasing sense of peace in your life.
I know there are those who here who have been able to move forward in time. I am a christian and I do believe that holding onto unforgiveness keeps you connected to that person and keeps you from moving forward. It is for you that you forgive like Naive said but it certainly isn't easy and I haven't gotten to the place of even wanting to think about forgiving. Sometimes I do worry though that the pain will swallow me. It is hard to imagine losing any more than what was already taken which in itself is hard to bear or comprehend.
It does help to come here and be supported to know you aren't the only one having to grieve over lost family members and continue to live after such an injustice was done. Blessings on your journey.
im always amazed how people esp family just brush it under the rug...give me a break..
I understand why you have so much guilt etc...I don't agree with the statement to forgive...adjust yes...forgive no way...
im not sure if this helps but if it was me id get on with my life and forget your siblings etc..I know its easy for me to say but life is short and somewhere in this mess you have to find peace for yourself and family...
your son needs you even at his age to be the strong mum he knows and loves..this isn't youre fault..easy for me to say from here(as ive been in your shoes with the guilt thing) eats at you like a cancer...but we can get thru this...I do have that faith
and on this board were here to help and guide if we can..im so thankful for this board..it has somehow calmed me...
hugs Pauline
good bye to those who don't like what you have to say...
I for one am so happy for you just like the rest on this board...you gooooooo
I agree with ptsdone. Your symptoms ~ especially the anger which "sounds" as fresh as when you first learned of your childrens' abuse, and your struggle to function do sound like PTSD. Have you heard of "Complex PTSD?" It's a relatively new diagnosis in the therapeutic community. The symptoms are similar to PTSD but there are some notable differences.
Complex PTSD is typically seen in someone who has experienced prolonged, repeated, or extensive exposure to trauma. Example. I am an incest survivor (sadly,there are quite a few of us here in this forumn). I was sexually abused by my grandfather from the ages of 3 - 9yrs. old. When I was 13 years old, my father attempted to rape me (I fought him off). Also, I witnessed horrendous domestic violence as a child: the rape of my grandmother and my father attempting to strangle my step mother. My first husband was abusive (we divorced) and my 2nd husband sexually abused our twin daughters (he was recently convicted of his crimes).
I've had years of therapy and am on medication. However, I often wondered, "why is it that each time I experience a new trauma or loss, I find myself grieving all of my losses all over again, as if for the first time? As if I never benefitted from therapy (which I have)."
I asked a friend (she's a psychologist) why my PTSD always comes back and is as intense as in the past. Just as you mentioned that your childrens' abuse took place 25 years ago and you are still in distress. My friend told me about "Complex PTSD", and directed me to my current therapist.
I would encourage you to look into this possibility. My therapist specializes in "grief and loss." Her entire practice is devoted to treating clients like myself. Finding a "specialist" in this area may be what you need.
I'm suggesting this because you've been through multiple traumas. And there may be more that I'm not aware.
Forgiveness. My priest once told me that many people believe, that if they still experience anger over the offense, than this must mean they haven't truly forgiven the person who harmed them. He told me this is a commonly held belief but he disagrees.
He told me that our decision to forgive someone is an intentional act of the Will, the intellect. And has little to do with our emotions, although those emotions can interfere with our ability or desire to forgive. He stressed that it is perfectly understandable for the anger to resurface, whenever you focus upon the abuse, but that does NOT mean you haven't forgiven the person.
As to "whether" you should forgive, that is a personal decision that no one can make for you. When your pastor said you "must" forgive, that was probably coming from his Christian beliefs. (I believe he could have been more compassionate in that moment).
I am an Orthodox Christian. Therefore, I follow Christ's command that we pray for and forgive our enemies. I pray for my husband every day. Specifically, that he won't be raped or beaten. I say this because I believe his greatest punishment is not seeing his daughters grow up. ~ as well as his loss of freedom. In all likelihood, he will die in prison, (He is facing a minimum sentence of 72 years and will not be up for parole until he's 66 yrs. old (he's 50 now).
My hope for my husband, is that, he will acknowledge his guilt ( for now he has NO remorse, and maintains his innocence to this day); make a thorough confession; and ask for God's forgiveness. My Faith teaches that if he does these things, God will forgive him and he can have the hope of heaven. However, he must experience TRUE REMORSE, as God knows our hearts. I hope that my husband will make good use of his time in prison: that he will make peace with his God.
Forgiveness is a process. I am NOT a Saint. When my daughters disclosed the abuse in 2010, I wanted to kill my husband! I remember thinking, I hope that they throw him in prison and the "key" along with him! I fantasized about and hoped that he would be raped in prison so that he could experience the pain and terror that our girls did.
I was angry at God as well. I didn't set foot in a Church for 3 years. I did, however, continue to pray.( I knew my daughters and I needed God). My prayers were angry ones. I used to say to Him, "You know, you CAN jump in at any time! Feel free to intervene!" Now I shudder at some of the things I said to God. But my Priest reminded me that God understands our anger (especially in a situation like mine ~ours.) and can handle it. And most importantly, our anger doesn't change His love for us. He will continue to pursue us.
My rage lasted for 3 years. And as Naïve and others have said, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. And it's true. Our bodies and minds are not designed to sustain anger indefinitely. It will take it's toll on your physical health and mental well being.
In 2013, I realized that my anger was destroying everything dear to me that my husband hadn't managed to strip from me. The anger was poisoning all of my relationships, even the ones that I had with my children. Also. If I didn't address and work through my own anger, I wouldn't be equipped to help my daughters work through their anger. And they needed to do this in order to heal. I started to become conscious of what I was modeling to them.
So in 2013, I made a private retreat. I spent a week at an abbey here in Albuquerque. One of the monks met with me every day and helped me get to that place where I could forgive my husband. At the end of the week, I made my first confession in 3 years, went to Mass and received communion. The PEACE that I felt was unlike any that I had ever experienced. A tremendous burden had been lifted from me.
Do I still get angry> you bet! A lot of anger resurfaced during the trial in August. Also. Forgiving him didn't change my commitment to seeking Justice. Fortunately we were Blessed. We did obtain Justice.
My decision to forgive was a radical one and I could not have accomplished this without God's power and Grace.
Peace to you and your family.
wow you have inspired me...I was angry with GOD as well...
youre post has helped me so much it brought me to tears
Holidays are a stressful time for most families. How much more so for us? We may have the added betrayal of siblings; in-laws; spouses; adult children and extended family, when they align themselves with the perpetrator.
I know this scenario all too well, when it came to my husband's family. The morning after my daughters' disclosure, I called their Godparents (my husband's cousins) as we literally had no place to go. They were horrified by the news that their Goddaughters had been sexually abused by their father. They told us to drive the 2 hours to their home immediately.
If you're wondering why I didn't go to a relative in my family, it's because I've no family other than my 5 children and grandchildren. (I am an only child; my parents are deceased and I'm not in touch with any of my cousins). When I married my husband, his family LITERALLY became mine. I felt as if I had been adopted, not just a bride.
When I arrived @ the God parents' house, they were welcoming. I had only $25 to my name. I asked them if we could stay temporarily, while I applied for emergency assistance; food stamps, Medicaid and subsidized housing. I told them I wanted to spare the girls the trauma of living in a homeless shelter: they had been through too much already.
My husband started calling the house. I refused to take his calls for about 4-5 days. The God parents were growing inpatient. I explained that I needed a week or so just to "wrap my mind around" what their cousin had done. In the meantime, I talked to my husband only twice. The first time he assured me that he would NEVER abuse our daughters. He said there could be only 2 explanations for our daughters' behavior. Either H was "mentally ill," OR I had fabricated the allegations, coaching them as to what to say!
I reminded my husband that neither of our daughters had shown signs of a mental illness and that we would know, as he was a psychiatric nurse and I had been a medical social worker. As for the 2nd explanation, I told him that I took their allegations seriously and would never falsely accuse him or anyone else of something that could ruin another's life.
My husband then confronted me by saying, "So you are accusing me then?"
I told him that while I wasn't accusing him of anything YET, I had an obligation to protect our daughters (and myself) until their allegations could be investigated. My husband wanted to know my exact intentions. I told him the girls would continue with counseling and that ultimately I had a moral obligations to contact the authorities. I also told him there'd be no communication between us except through the courts. He called one more time and I ended up hanging up on him.
After that phone call he started harassing me with text messages and voicemails. He wrote that he had retained an attorney, notified all of his family and friends as they knew him to be innocent. He claimed he called our Priests at our Parish. Basically, he was on a campaign to isolate me from any means of emotional support.
Meanwhile, tensions grew between myself and the girls' God parents. After about 2 weeks, they sat me down and asked if I was going to report their father to the authorities. I told them that yes. I would be calling APD and Child Protective Services.
Maria "freaked out." She told me that she didn't want the police and CYFD showing up at her house to conduct an investigation. She actually mentioned that this would EMBARRAS her in front of the neighbors! (I'm not exaggerating here).
She and her husband clearly stated that this was a "marital dispute," ~ not a police matter ~ between me and my husband and that they didn't want to be in the middle!
I was incredulous. I told them that it WAS a police matter as crimes were likely to have been committed!
Then came the ultimatum ( READ blackmail). They warned that if I did turn their cousin in, the girls and I would have to leave immediately. We would not be welcome in their home.
I packed our suitcases and we left the next day. We stayed at a homeless shelter for women and children who are victims of domestic violence, for about 2 months, before moving into an apartment of our own.
After my husband was arrested and formally indicted on criminal charges, this same couple posted his Bail. Because of them, my husband was out of jail on a 3 1/2 year pre-trial release, while the girls and I lived in fear.
How is that for loyalty? I later learned that most families of perpetrators are in denial and take sides.
That having been said, I can't imagine how you feel as your own siblings have sided with your nephew.
Here is a radical idea. I'm full of those! You mentioned that you were particularly close to one of your sisters but ended that relationship this week, because the perpetrator is invited to the family Christmas dinner every year.
If your sister has any redeeming qualities and you truly miss her ~ don't let the perpetrator steal the relationship that you had with her. He's stolen enough from you and your family already. I'm suggesting a "holiday-do-over." Start a family tradition of your own.
If you want to see your sister ~ and any of your other siblings over the holidays ~ then invite them to your house. But make it very CLEAR that the nephew is not invited and should he show up, you will call the police. Also. Make it a rule that they can't so much as bring up his name. No exceptions. Or they'll be asked to leave. Instead of burning bridges ~ set boundaries!
Then, sit back and see what happens. You've nothing to lose at this point: if they can't abide by these conditions, then you've still your Sons and grandchildren to enjoy! If they consider your invitation, be sure to talk to your Sons and their families first, as they may not want to see their assorted Aunts, Uncles and cousins.
Some of you may think I've lost it but that's ok. The point is, as upset as I was about losing the support of my daughters godparents and the rest of my husband's family ~ they are related to me by marriage only. Your siblings are blood. I do make one exception. I wouldn't feel comfortable inviting the perpetrator's parents. Especially as they've run to the defense of their Son time and time again. Also, make sure you discuss these ideas with your 2 Sons. They're the victims here and their comfort and wishes need to be respected. Having a separate celebration might be something to explore. You'll have the opportunity to potentially mend the relationship from the one sister to whom you were close. She thinks about you and has offered to be there if you need someone in the family to talk to.
That says something. Take it from someone without any family ties (other than my children/grandchildren) if I had extended family, I'd try to salvage the relationships that I could. This does not mean that you are betraying or disrespecting your Sons and the memory of your Son who is deceased. If your siblings see that you're willing to be the bigger/better person and "meet them half way," you might be pleasantly surprised.
Obviously I don't know you, your family or the dynamics. If it's not healthy for you to consider this "experiment" (that's kinda what it is) then you must put yourself and your immediate family first. You already know this. And yes. This idea ties into the whole forgiveness theme. I trust you'll make the best decision for your family. I just like to put these ideas out there. However, counter intuitive and radical. kg.