Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I found out exactly 2 weeks ago that my 12-year-old little girl was being molested by a very dear friend and neighbor. He and his wife had lived next to us for the last 10 years and we truly trusted this man!! He was there for us so many times and he promised my husband that he would look after me and our two children when he was not home. He was like a grandpa to my kids. He was a deacon in church and a well-respected citizen in our small town. So, how in the hell did he do this to my baby?!! Not only was he doing this to my daughter, but also his own granddaughter!! He took his own life the day after we found out, which was a favor for us because my husband would have killed him anyway!! I know now what hate is.... what it is to love someone and then hate them in an instant. Oh my God!! How did this happen? We are so protective over our kids and even homeschool. I do not let my kids roam the streets of our little town nor do they go anywhere that I do not know the people well. I just do not understand!! After his death, it is as if everyone focused on him and pretended not to know why he died. He even confessed to his pastor and people have messaged me and contacted me because the had "heard". I am glad that he is dead, but in a way, I am angry that he took to attention off of these two little girls that truly need support and prayers right now. Let me clarify, he did not take MY nor my husband's attention, but it seems like the rest of the community had turned a deaf ear to all of this WHAT THE HELL? Why are people mourning the loss of him, but not the loss that we are all experiencing now? The loss of the little innocent girls that love American Girl Dolls and playing outside? The loss of my child's not knowing what SEX is and the loss of my being able to have "The Talk" with my little girl!! She should have never learned it this way!! The mourning and grief that we are feeling right now is not the same, but honestly, it is worse than any death I have experienced!! When will the pain not be as bad? When will I feel like my baby is safe again? When will I stop beating myself up for not protecting my little girl? If there is HELL on earth, this is it!! I am trying to keep all of my emotions hidden because my daughter does not even want to talk about it. She loves the POS!! She honestly thought he loved and needed her!! He told her that he was going to kill himself and she feels responsible for that!! OH MY GOD, if I could dig him up and kill him again, I would!! Please pray for my little family, that my little girl will be whole again and have a happy life!! I am so glad that there is somewhere to vent and get all of this out!! Thanks to whoever created this!!
As far as your daughter not wanting to go to counselling, our youngest who disclosed did not want to go. We were gentle about it and said that we wanted her to try and that this person was experienced in working with children and could help her more than we could. It's taken her months to trust, but she now asks to go. If the counsellor is good they will work at your daughter's pace.
All the best.
That is what we told our daughter... that the counselor will be better equipped to help her with everything she is going through. We told her that she may not even have to talk about it... they already know why she is coming and I know that at this place, it is set up for the child to only have to tell their story once because they do not want to traumatize them further. I am no expert, but I think that she needs tools to heal from all of this and I know that she needs help understanding that he should have never talked to her or touched her the way he did.... especially since he was suppose to love her!!
The required changes that come after disclosure (counseling, being even more protective) are hard for the kids. Our daughter was upset about the things that had to change but we kept everything else in the home as far as schedules, etc the same and that helped her quite a bit. At the very least, introducing her to counselor gives her the opportunity to know help is there if she chooses.
What you are feeling is completely normal. This crime throws us into grief. It is a loss, plain and simple. Please consider counseling for yourself as well. It is truly a nightmare. It will get better, my friend. It just takes time and work to heal.
As far as the community and the way they are reacting is really status quo. It sucks but people who have not experienced this are naive and really don't want to acknowledge the breadth nor the consequences it has on survivors and their families. Shine them on. Focus on your child and your family. That you can impact. Some day people will acknowledge this crime. A bomb went off in your life and it feels like the whole world should stop.
You are not alone. We are here, come here anytime.
There is nothing in this world that could be more painful than knowing your child's sexuality has been damaged and that your trust was used for such a disgusting and heinous crime. I was molested at thirteen by the same person who then abused my kids long story but I also homeschool and are very protective of my kids it is disheartening that you can do everything to protect them and these perverts still get to them. So as a victim near the same age i want to say great job mom for getting your daughter help and standing by her. The biggest help for your daughter will be education and therapy. The biggest hurtle to healing is shame and just wanting to pretend it didn't happen. The sex talks will still need to happen because what she was taught is so different than what God intends. Her understanding sex is good and created by God for a married couple. Being around other kids who have dealt with the same thing will help break the shame. It is a hard age to deal with that but she is already well ahead of the game by having supportive parents and getting help. I dealt with self esteem issues also I think self defense classes and I just checked out therapeutic horseback riding. Its going to take time she will have stages to recovery just like you will. Because we are adults we understand the gravity of the situation much more than they do. Make sure if you have other kids to talk to them about privacy and what is not ok. Once these things are introduced to children that aren't old enough to really understand what is right and wrong. Especially with abuse being so wrong experimenting with what was taught can happen there be upfront and explain why and how it can happen it isn't their fault but you are there to help. Also as your daughter heals and sees others doing the same letting her know that God does not waste anything even something as ugly as this He can use to help others unfortunately there are too many suffering. Not the ministry or message I would ever want my kids to stand for but hope and meaning bring healing and wholeness. Joyce Meyer is very helpful having also been abused sexually.
Blessings and I am very sorry for your loss and that of your daughters I truly grieve with you.
Luckily we have not spent that much time with the perp in the last year. I feel like that was one of the main reasons that she disclosed to us. Our daughter is younger, and she isn't resisting counseling. In fact, she seems to have opened up more since we no longer see the perp or his enablers. However I wonder how it will be once everything with the police and lawyers is sorted out. It's been 4 months for us. I can't say that there are not days that I wished he would just do us a favor and end it, at least then our daughter would be spared anything to do with a trial. Then there are other days that I just want him to suffer for what he did. I want him, and the people making excuses for him, to suffer. They shouldn't get to go on like nothing happened, we certainly don't get to.
You are doing all that you can for your daughter. You are taking her to counseling. She may not want to talk about it. She may want to just "forget". Unfortunately it will never go away completely, but if it isn't dealt with it will be worse. My mother was abused as a child, and she never talked about it. A nervous breakdown in her 30s was what forced her to finally acknowledge it, but she never talked about the abuse. She still hasn't to this day. She just said that it happened and who did it. I was left with a shell of the mother that I once knew because of the abuse she suffered. I sometimes see glimpses of her now that I'm older. All I know is that I will not let that happen to my daughter, her future spouse, or her future children. And neither will you. Blessings to you and your daughter for the difficult road ahead, but it's worth it.
It was actually by me going through a book about sex with our oldest dd that made her realise that what her brother was doing was wrong. She didn't say anything to me but did have the guts to stand up to him and stop the abuse, but that was after 4 years of damage.
Counselling for yourself is going to be crucial too. It has been my saving grace. You will experience many emotions, thoughts and reactions which are normal and important to work through. I pray that you will find someone who can really meet your needs.
I'm sick of how home schooling is blamed for so much. If you look at the statistics of sexual abuse, it happens as much in schooled children. Not one corner of society is immune to it unfortunately. My biggest issue has been why God didn't protect my girls. Why did he allow me to give birth to my son. No answers, so I've stopped asking as it only leads to more pain. Saying that everyone has free will and makes their own choices doesn't quite cut it with me. But I need to move on so will let those questions sit.
It's good that you don't have to fact the possibility of prosecution. That's one major trauma out of the way and closure of some kind. Praying that your healing journey will have many positives. Ours has already, but it's still a day by day process.
I do not allow my self to think about the victimization or what was taken..their innocence....they are still here, I can wrap my arms around then and kiss them good night and and text when I worry...he did not take any of that from us. Embrace what we have in front of us and live a most spectacular life. The truth sets us free......Peace and Love to all.
Welcome and sorry your family attacked by a monster.
During these times as others are more worried about the fate of a perp, use these moments not for anger but to your advantage. For now you know who is strong at heart and who is more concerned about gossip.
There is nothing new here - all these people were always this way, they're just declaring themselves.
Sometimes the truth hurts real bad when u find out who's on the other side, but today you are more in the know and empowered than you were before.
I also want you to learn and read about this - compensatory religiosity. Perps are attracted to churches not to hide behind the cross, but rather they go to church after offending. They know they have a problem and are praying to God that they can stop and hoping God will help.
What my point is - church is the last place from now on to use as a determinate of trust - in fact it's prob opposite - church may be one of the last places to find someone to leave alone w ur kids.
And c'mon - we all know - if money is missing from the church the first person to examine is the pastors wife :)
Even if someone on here a pastors wife and is innocent, she still knows the commonality of this :-)
I am only telling you this now - as for me too, I just learned all this a similar way - so that you can know all the more how to keep safe.
Sick, sick, sick men hurting loving trusting God abiding children n families at a place that we should really consider a safe haven. Reality tho - it is not :-(
Bless your heart - but you have a good heart n strong will to carry your daughter through this.
Also, our daughter attended public school -- with the children of her abuser (a neighbor) whom he also abused, and who participated in abuse of my daughter. But the abuse didn't happen at school. I was a stay-at-home mom, so I was right across the street when the abuse happened; I was at home to be sure my children got most of their care from someone who loved them deeply. Moms get blamed no matter what we do, and people in denial that someone they know could DO this to a child are only too willing to believe that a mom they know could ALLOW a person to do this to her child. It's total bullshit. We didn't allow it, we didn't consent to it! Rape is the ABSENCE of consent. Our children were raped, and we parents were robbed of the ability to protect our children and raise them in innocence. It's such a violation of an entire family.
Finally, I agree that you are lucky that your deacon offed himself. I had not known hatred before in my life, but every time I hear a news story about a suicide or murder in the state where we lived at the time of the abuse, I hope it's him. It's been quite the mindf*** for me -- I was a peace activist before disclosure, and stood up for the civil rights of everyone. Not anymore. Not for him. I want him to suffer. But it's up to my adult daughter now to seek legal redress, as the statute of limitations ticks away.
THE GOOD NEWS: Life has taken some happy turns for my daughter lately. She is seeing someone who really values and pampers her, even after she told him about her childhood; she believed this would never find someone who could love her honestly. And the rest of our family is beginning to believe that we can go forward and be happy again -- even if that monster never pays. As I said, it's been 11 months since disclosure -- horrible, depressing, scary months -- but we are moving ahead, and you will too. The first days are excruciating, but be at peace with the knowledge that it will get better. Others assured me of this when I first found this site, and couldn't see even a glimmer of hope. But they were right. And now you can live a life of truth and loving support -- which would have been impossible if your brave daughter had not told you the worst story of your life.
Thinking of you, wishing you a moment of calm today.