Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
OK, I don't have to tell any of you that after something like this happens you start to think twice about everyone your children come in contact with. I remember shortly after disclosure my son said, "If Uncle ____ did this to me does that mean that Uncle ________ (different side of the family) would too. I know my son even mentioned to his therapist how can I tell who to trust. His therapist assured him that he would be able to see any creep signs on someone in the future. You all know what a struggle it is to teach you children boundries without them being untrusting of everyone. I thinkmy husband and I have done a pretty good job at this. Or have we?.
So on to my delima - we had some new neighbors move in about 6 months ago. A very nice young couple with 2 children under 3 and another on the way. When my boys see the mom outside they help with keeping her toddlers close by as she is exhausted and moving rather slowly as she's due anyday now. Several months ago my 2 youngest were invited in by her husband to play video games. Of course without asking me they jumped on the opportunity what 11 and 13 year old wouldn't. When my 15 year old son told me and asked if I was OK with that. Well you all know my answer. So I sit down with my kids again and explain: 1 - you know you can't go to someones house without me knowing., 2 - there really is not a reason I can think of for you to play video games with a grown man that does not have children close to your age. After a little more talking they seemed to understand. Forward a little, yesterday my 11 year old told me that he was invited into the neighbors house to play video games again and he went. The logical person in me says they are being nice and want to say thank you for helping with their little ones, but the mom in me says watch out. I'm glad he told me but disappointed that he does not recall the first conversation. So I replay the conversation with them all over again. They want to know if something is wrong with the neighbor. I tell them no he's a nice guy, but I don't want you going in their house to hang out no more than I would want you to go into anyone elses house to hangout that doesn't have kids you age there. There is no logical explanation for you to do so. Finally my 13 year old says is it because people aren't always who we think they are? I say yes. My 11 year old says so it's just a precaution. I say yes just like looking both ways when crossing the street.
I LOVE and HATE that dispite the ordeal they have been through that they are still trusting individuals. But this still creeps me out.
So on to my delima - we had some new neighbors move in about 6 months ago. A very nice young couple with 2 children under 3 and another on the way. When my boys see the mom outside they help with keeping her toddlers close by as she is exhausted and moving rather slowly as she's due anyday now. Several months ago my 2 youngest were invited in by her husband to play video games. Of course without asking me they jumped on the opportunity what 11 and 13 year old wouldn't. When my 15 year old son told me and asked if I was OK with that. Well you all know my answer. So I sit down with my kids again and explain: 1 - you know you can't go to someones house without me knowing., 2 - there really is not a reason I can think of for you to play video games with a grown man that does not have children close to your age. After a little more talking they seemed to understand. Forward a little, yesterday my 11 year old told me that he was invited into the neighbors house to play video games again and he went. The logical person in me says they are being nice and want to say thank you for helping with their little ones, but the mom in me says watch out. I'm glad he told me but disappointed that he does not recall the first conversation. So I replay the conversation with them all over again. They want to know if something is wrong with the neighbor. I tell them no he's a nice guy, but I don't want you going in their house to hang out no more than I would want you to go into anyone elses house to hangout that doesn't have kids you age there. There is no logical explanation for you to do so. Finally my 13 year old says is it because people aren't always who we think they are? I say yes. My 11 year old says so it's just a precaution. I say yes just like looking both ways when crossing the street.
I LOVE and HATE that dispite the ordeal they have been through that they are still trusting individuals. But this still creeps me out.
You have done all the right moves to protect your children. If a mom says no way and has feelings of doubt than that means no way. Moms feel things that others don not. For me I felt them feelings and thought I was paranoid. I feel guilt for not listening to my gut. Something was not right and the more I think about it all the sighns were there. No mother can be to protective of their loved ones.
I love the way that you explained that to your kids - just like looking both ways before you cross the street. Sometimes people aren't what we think they are. As hard/frustrating/etc is may be to work to teach them these lessons now - what a great thing to learn so early!
I am with you though - DD still asks when our perp is coming back over. Ugh. Guess that's what happens when they're 3 and don't understand. I also hate that I feel like I have to distrust everyone now. It's a shock when something bad doesn't happen as opposed to the other way around.
Hugs to you.
I think it really depends on your children, how far they have come since the abuse, the type of relationship you have with them now, and their maturity level. My oldest daughter and I have a much better relationship, and she is so much stronger now than before. She is so grown up - emotionally - for only 10. She recognizes what "grooming behaviors" are, and has no problem telling someone when something makes her feel uncomfortable. As hard as it is for me to let her out of my sight, I have started letting go a bit. My youngest, on the other hand, still won't even acknowledge the abuse. She is embarassed easily. And even though she is very strong-willed with me and her daddy, she isn't with anyone else. So she doesn't get too far out of our sight.
So as Sherriblu mentioned - I worry that it might be a grooming process.
So for now I keep preaching to my kids. Set some boundries that are reasonable. And my husband and I keep engaging in activies with our kids so they know we are always available to them.
So as Sherriblu mentioned - I worry that it might be a grooming process.
So for now I keep preaching to my kids. Set some boundries that are reasonable. And my husband and I keep engaging in activies with our kids so they know we are always available to them.
Your words "someting that doesn't feel right". I don't think us men who don't abuse kids are really all that anxious to spend time with kids your boys ages. You mention this guy has young children himself and plays video games. I find it rather odd that he would not want to spend all of his time with his own children. I'm certainly not saying this guy is an abuser, but in todays times I question him in even wanting to have children in his house. I know there is no way in hell I would ever want kids in my house your boys ages. I
Remember these guys who abuse kids do groom them in the exact fashion you are eluding to here. Also keep in mind these guys who do abuse come in all shapes sizes and backgrounds.
Another thing with the dad being so persistant to get an answer seems odd to me. I hope I'm wrong about this neighbor of yours but I'm with you, I question his behavior.
Good Luck !
Tom