Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Because I do hate my step-son. Yes he is only 13, and was only 12/11 when the molestation happened. But I do hate him for what he did to my boys. There is nothing that will ever stop me from hating him. I hate that he has got to go on with his life, that he goes to sleep-overs, football games, etc. I hate that my in-laws blame me for him not being a part of family anymore. I hate that none of them, including my husband, understand that I wanted what was best FOR HIM at one time, even if it meant sending him away. So now I hate him, and don't care what happens as long as he is away from my kids. I hate that his parents are not doing all they can to get him all the help they can. I hate that my husband is NOT at all involved in what little therapy he is getting. I hate that I have to the "bad guy" and forbid him from being around my kids, because I know he is not getting enough help. I also hate my husband because of all of this. I hate him so much that I want to leave. I hate that he Hates me over this, when I have done nothing wrong. I hate that my 12 year old daughter hates both my husband and step-son, because even at 12, she knows what is right and wrong. I hate that she has had to grow up way too much in the past year because of what HE did. I hate that my 6 year old was hurt, and I hate even worse that he is too young to understand it all yet and he doesnt' get why he can't be around the perp. I hate hearing him say the perps name!! I hate even worse that my husband tells my 6 year what the perp has been up to. I hate that I'm even in this position. And I really hate not being able to everyone I know what has happened.
Me and Dh just got into a huge fight. I told him to leave. He told me that he gave up his son for me. FOR ME??? Wow. He just confirmed even more as to why I hate him. He still doesn't get it. He shouldn't be doing this for me, he should be doing this for his boys who have been hurt. I told him that it's his fault his son hasnt' gotten the right help. He should be fighting for his son, instead of blaming me. He doesn't want to fight though, because it's easier to ignore the situation, and blame me. Well then, LEAVE. He did leave, but not for good. He will be back in a little bit, and he will apologize, and life will go on. He will still feel the same way though, and so will I. I'll put on a happy face for the kids, and continue to hate him.
Me and Dh just got into a huge fight. I told him to leave. He told me that he gave up his son for me. FOR ME??? Wow. He just confirmed even more as to why I hate him. He still doesn't get it. He shouldn't be doing this for me, he should be doing this for his boys who have been hurt. I told him that it's his fault his son hasnt' gotten the right help. He should be fighting for his son, instead of blaming me. He doesn't want to fight though, because it's easier to ignore the situation, and blame me. Well then, LEAVE. He did leave, but not for good. He will be back in a little bit, and he will apologize, and life will go on. He will still feel the same way though, and so will I. I'll put on a happy face for the kids, and continue to hate him.
This is a tough position, and one that is VERY difficult for marriages even when the perp is not a child / step-child. Have you and your husband thought about any counselling? Men and women deal with things so differently. If you both have harsh feelings toward each other, they will only continue to get worse unless you can discuss them and try to understand each other. That is if you even WANT to make it work. Having an unbiast person to help you talk through your feelings in a calm, un-accusing manner may help. I wish I had better advice, but I do have lots of prayers sent your way. (((HUGS)))
I am sorry that he doesn't get it. Only you can decide when to throw in the towel on the marriage. Remember though that your children are not fooled. They know how you feel about your husband, trust me. Kids are smart.
I hope things will get better for you although you may just have to take some action before things get better. I hope your hubby wakes up before he loses all of you. Laura
I know when I started getting well it supsided. I still have triggers and when I hear the perps name or think of him I get angry. They continue their lives and ours are in a mess thanks to their illness.
I do agree men and women handle this very different. My husband and I had to get some therapy and work through it. I couldn't stand the things that would come out of his mouth, like you have to let it go, move on, it happened so long ago not yesterday...etc... he doesn't say those things anymore but it took a third party and some hard times to see how bad it hurt. Us women cannot put things in little compartments like they do. We are on the front lines with our kids.
I hope you get some help and start to experience some happiness and joy again. it is hard but keep coming here and venting, we all understand.
hugs
I write thoughts down in a journal now and then and feel better afterward. The rage and the hatred are very real, let them out somehow in a nondestructive way. Forgiveness? Can't even imagine that at this point. He acknowledges nothing and has filled his family's and attorney's head with lies saying I put my daughter up to this to take his house. Unbelievable... what mother would voluntarily subject a child to such a nightmare for any reason?
1.) I WISH my mom hated my cousin for what he did to me. I wish she had the anger that you have towards your step-son. On my mom's side, we have done family dinners since before I was born, once a week at my grandparents' house. My mom STILL goes over there on Sunday nights, even when my cousin is there... and she pretends everything is okay. It is MORE than okay to hate. He may be young, but he did a detrimental, horrific, heartless thing. Your feelings are justifiable.
2.) Even though I'm a survivor of abuse, and not a parent of a child who has been abused... I have experienced the most intense feelings of anger and hatred, than I ever thought possible. And I can't tell you how many people have PREACHED to me about forgiving my cousin. My aunt said I need to forgive him because "God forgave us both." FORGIVENESS IS COMPLETELY OPTIONAL!! And regardless of religious beliefs, forgiveness comes IF and WHEN you are ready!! I just want you to know that!
I hope some of what I've said has been helpful. Just know that it's okay to feel the way you do!