Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
...please begin learning all you can about drug abuse prevention.
When your child is 23 at time of disclosure, having shortly before that disclosed that she has become addicted to opioids, almost overnight you realize you live in a war zone. You're standing in a single battlefield, but fighting two potentially unwinnable wars.
My daughter took her first drink at age 8, during the year she was being repeatedly raped by a neighbor. She opened the liquor cabinet at her friend's house when no one was looking and took a big drink. During high school she made a big deal of being anti-drug, but she had begun smoking pot and trying cocaine at parties. When her vile boyfriend introduced her to Oxycontin in college, unknown to us, we were all on the road to ruin.
Now, nearly 30, she is two classes away from graduation, just as she was at 23. She lives with us and has been sober -- as far as we know -- for about two years, but she is so worried about relapse that instead of throwing herself into school and launching into the world as an adult, she has begun a Narcan program and continues to work menial jobs.
Had we known when she was young that she had been sexually abused, AND had we known the close correlation between child sexual abuse and drug abuse, we would have immediately had her in therapy for the sexual abuse (instead of for vague psychological symptoms and budding depression). Further, we would have learned everything about how to prevent her from engaging in substance abuse as a result of what we now know to be her PTSD.
I have to run now, but will soon post resources for how to prevent drug abuse.
Some background is: When the oldest was a senior in high school, after he turned 18, & after a few years of grooming of us all by the perp, they hiked the AT on spring break—our son had early decision college plans set up, that was in 2006. The perp showed him pornography, exposed himself, attempted to touch our son, then tried to convince him he was gay and needed to explore those feelings with someone he could trust. The perp was student teaching (music education/percussion was his major) at the time and also an employee for a few years in 2 districts as adjunct staff for curricular and extra-curricular bands (how we all met him in early 2003) and he gave private lessons thru our community school, and had summer employment painting the schools, and fixing and cleaning instruments. He already had the classes in college that covered laws and boundaries between staff and students, and they were covered in the employment contracts he signed. Our son told him he was treading on dangerous ground as a school employee, and that he wasn’t gay, but if the perp was, he needed to pursue those feelings with consenting adults, not to go after students. They remained friends after that. Our older son never said a word to anyone, and once he went to college, the perp moved on to our twins, completely ignoring our older son’s warning/advice to him. At this point he had his teaching license and was doing long term sub and adjunct work and had become a very good friend of the family. As soon as band camp started in Aug, he made his moves, and our one twin stopped it after a few weeks, but the perp made a bunch of threatening statements to the other twin about making sure none of them would be able to get jobs when they graduated, and having family in the mafia, and that no one would believe him. The abuse went much farther with the twins, especially the one who was afraid to stop it, but thankfully there was never any penetration. The second twin met a girl who he confided in, and she convinced him to stop it, that there’s no way the perp would follow through with any threats and risk his jobs and family reputation. Tho she couldn’t get him to disclose, after 11 months of abuse he told the perp not to bother him anymore. The first twin had no idea it had continued on. The perp then got a full time job in the district next to ours, but still helped with ours on occasion. When the twins were going off to college 2 yrs after that in 2009, the second/longer abused twin had a near nervous breakdown since he’d be leaving his (same) girlfriend who was a year younger, and my husband got him to disclose, but only if I wasn’t told until he was ready, then once he was at college for a little over a month, he finally called and disclosed to me.
I think the first thing my husband and I spoke to him and eventually the other 2 about was that it wasn’t their fault, and no one had to go thru this alone, we would go thru it as a family if that was how they felt best proceeding, which it was, so we went to family therapy several times. This is probably not an option with younger kids. The older one and the one who stopped it right away never really seemed to have much of a reaction to it other than intense anger that it had happened to the second twin, which they processed fairly well and quickly, as far as I’m aware. The most difficult part was that they were in college far away, and going thru all the legal crap was frustrating, infuriating at times, but once that was over things really got better when there was just the healing to pursue. I think a whole host of factors played into how they chose their path in healing--their faith, our support, their academics and activities, the support of their h.s. band director and the detectives, and some counseling. Only the second/longest abused twin needed to have counseling for a much longer time, and 2 rounds of EMDR, 5 sessions each. When my husband and I look back at some things, we remember when they were little and other kids would make fun of them, we would tell them that they shouldn’t take it personally, that the person was really feeling badly about themselves and needed to try and make someone else feel bad too thinking it would make them feel better, but then they would realize it didn’t really make them feel better, it made them feel worse, so it became a vicious cycle of them doing the wrong thing to try to feel better, so the best thing to say when they make fun of you is, “I’m sorry you feel that way” and walk away. I think that whole scenario helped them to not blame themselves for the actions of the perp. They never had any gender identity or sexual orientation issues, no addictions but they did drink beer and occasionally a shot or 2 at parties in college which is not out of the norm, I wouldn’t say any of them have a drinking problem today, no eating disorders, 2 are married, the single one was in a very long somewhat challenging relationship, and when they broke up when she graduated a yr before him, he decided he needed to concentrate on college graduation, getting a job, having good friends and being one, and he is so busy, it’s difficult for him to meet that special person. They have strong family ties, are active in community bands, have good relationships with a few friends, but they are wary about meeting people until they feel they’ve learned enough about them to decide whether they are trustworthy. I do think they can be impatient bordering on judgmental with people who dwell on first world problems. They are very good band directors, and good with kids, really like their jobs, and definitely have some wisdom beyond their years
I hope this is helpful, sorry it got so l o o o o n n g, please don’t hesitate to ask anything. I’m glad to try and provide some info and support. Peace to you and your family!
The good news is what the DA told me about my daughter's earlier report (if she made one, which she said she did, but who knows): if she daughter reported, the police department must keep the report, even if she decides not to pursue the case. So they will have her report, supported by mine, and vice versa.
I have to say, I am indebted to the brave women who have recently reported sexual abuse by powerful men who are in show biz, business and politics. They have suddenly made it hard to deny the validity of these reports. People are -- finally, mostly -- believing them, and taking action against those bastards. I'm emboldened. So what I'll be doing before my call -- hopefully tomorrow? -- is writing down everything my daughter told me about her abuse, plus approximate dates, so that I can give as detailed a report as possible this many years after the fact.
Again, I will let you all know when I've finally made the call I have been longing to place for five years.
Naive, again, I agree with what Three wrote above, and I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. You're doing the right things. One thing I wanted to say is, in our case, because the perp agreed to a plea deal, my sons didn't have to face him in court. There's a small possibility that his sentence would've been a bit more severe if we were present for the sentencing, but his lawyer had successfully delayed it until my kids were all back at college so they couldn't attend. I planned to go, but my kids really didn't want me there, they were concerned about how it would effect me, and they wanted to send the message to the perp that they didn't care. The prosecutor read our victim impact statements, which clearly didn't affect the judge.
I think you're right that all the new disclosures in the media may be setting up just the right time for you to report. My heart goes out to you Naive, and to your family. Big (((hugs))) to you all...
I am so, so, so triggered by all the news of rape and molestation disclosures all over the United States. I can't imagine a time during which it would be MORE likely that my daughter would be believed, and I worry that some form of backlash will soon be on its way. Maybe that's irrational, but it's how I feel. These people in the news saying, "Why would a woman wait 40 years to report this? It seems timed to ruin X's political chances" -- they just know NOTHING about how long disclosure can take. The statute of limitations isn't long enough, either.
I'm sorry. I hate to disappoint you all. It disappoints ME -- I'm so ready to be done with this secret. I'm so ready for that monster to face life without my unspoken protection. But I have to know that my daughter is in a safe place before I do something that could otherwise make her feel very unsafe.
Thanks for your support. I hope I will have the chance to report very, very soon.
We have also waited and waited and waited to report, because of a disease (addiction) for which the Nazi is also to blame. I think it's also the uncertainty of knowing when a bed will be available in a rehab that adds to my sense of wanting SOMETHING/ANYTHING to happen -- healing, an investigation, whatever, in addition to the ticking clock on the statute of limitations. The heroin/opioid crisis is so bad in this country right now that we've been told it could be as long as a year or more before our daughter might be admitted! The problem? She has asked to be admitted. The ones who are court-ordered get in ASAP. It's insane. But we've also heard there's a possibility she could start within weeks. Meanwhile, all we hear on the news is about child molesters, rapists and sexual harassment. My tension is just below the surface lately.
Thanks again for your support. As I have said before, you guys are the best friends I never met!! I am very grateful to know I can come her to vent and cry and be heard by people who care as much about me as I care about you!
1. Doing more of the same - > you speak of this vicious circle which is drug addiction. It is clear that the issue goes far from being just existential our psychological: it is a chemical, physical problem. So your daughter clearly needs help through rehab to address those chemical/physical/neuronal issues. There is another level, as you know, which is: why some people overcome the addiction, and some others do not. That is well beyond my expertise, I have no clue, but I like an axiom that I use in many occasions, and that may help -> when a problem persists, doing more of the same will NOT solve the problem. This is why I insisted in reporting. It would be a break. A change. Something new, and, according many survivors/thrivors, successful for healing… I am in love with many American theorists from the psychology, behavior, communication and sociological fields, and one of them is Paul Watzlawick, a physiologist and mental health specialist from the 70's from the Palo Alto Institute and Standford University which wrote a book that can be called the Bible of problem "formation" and "problem resolution". He states, for instance, that many times, in psychology, the "remedy is the problem". And he focuses on why many problem persist, in spite of so many efforts to change the situation. In 1974 he wrote a book that has been reproduced in so many sites that it will be easy to find. I hope this will illustrate better what I am trying to transmit: http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1359104506061449?journalCode=ccpa
2. Actor Tom Sizemore's criminal case: there is an 11 year old girl who was molested in a film set by this Sizemore guy, and her parents decided not to report in spite of all the proofs, etc. The girl is now in her late 20s and is in search for legal tools to sue both Sizemore and her parents (for not suing Sizemore). If you follow her case, you may find legal alternatives about this issue of why it took so long to report, etc. https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2017/11/tom-sizemore-sexual-assault-allegation
3. In my country, when a victim discloses, you have legal rights to be assisted by the Justice system even in medical terms. You are formally a victim, so the facilitate the insertion of the victim in rehab houses, they give the victim priority in free - State sponsored mental assistance, etc. So suing also has a reparative side that can help you and your daughter big deal.
Ok, dear, back to work in here! all my prayers go to you and your daughter!
Now that she has reopened that door I am pushing encouragingly, with data about positive emotional outcomes for those who do report. I told her that I have been so triggered that I can't stand it anymore. So she knows that I am on the verge of reporting this myself. I believe she should go first, because she needs the healing more than I do, of course, and I want her to experience a sense of power rather than a sense of having been goaded into this. That said, I will not wait forever. I need this to change. I need to have Done Something About It, as a mother, as a concerned citizen.
So...we are in motion.