Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
So, my 8 year old daughter was molested by her 16 year old stepbrother for the past 2-1/2 years. Her older sister, (stepsister, actually, sister to the molester) professed to feel bad for her, be angry, etc. etc. but she writes her brother this dramatic heart-wrenching letter that she misses him and that he should forgive himself and that she wants her big brother back home. I was angry about it. I talked to her. I reminded her that her big brother hasn't even asked for forgiveness. The last step will be him forgiving himself, before that, he has a lot of work to do to get well.
I have discussed with her NUMEROUS times about not discussing this with anyone. I have explained that when the neighbors ask (my stepson had a lot of friends in the neighborhood - we had just moved here 8 months before she disclosed) just tell them that he got in trouble and had to go away for a while. That if they continue to question her, to tell them to ask her mom.
I just asked her about 3 weeks ago if anyone had asked about her brother lately, and had she told anyone. I had explained to her previously about how this could affect her little sister, and even affect her brother if he were to come back home and try to make a fresh start. (I hadn't told her that there is NO WAY he will ever live under my roof again!) She understood, or so I thought. I told her that if the parents of her little sisters friends found out, they may not let her come and play. They will think badly of her dad and i as parents. (If you haven't been thru this, it's easy to judge what kind of parent we must be - i.e. ones who doesn't pay attention to what is going on, neglectful, etc.) But mainly that it might make people treat her little sister differently.
So on Sunday our Bishop called us into his office at church. His daughter was at a church girl's camp with my daughter and guess what she had told his daughter!?!?!? He knows the story, and just asked his daughter to keep this information to herself because it could affect my 8 year old daughter. But, he was concerned that she may have told others.
It is NOT that we are ashamed of her, that we want to keep it a secret, but she hasn't even dealt with it, she DOES NOT want to talk about it under any circumstances. She did her forensic interview and she is going to play therapy, but she CRINGES and CRIES if I bring it up. She loved her big brother very much. She is so confused and I think she feels a bit disloyal for telling on him. He had convinced her that she would be in big trouble if we found out.
So come to find out, she had already told one friend, long before we had our last discussion where she assured me that she hadn't told anyone. She obviously lied. Then we ask her who else she has told, and she admits to 2 girls at camp. She says but they are my best friends! First of all, it DOESN"T MATTER WHAT THEY ARE!!!! Second, she has hung out with them all of 3 or 4 times in the course of the last year and a half. This makes them best friends???? I don't trust that there arent more people she has told. She also told in the most DRAMATIC way. My brother RAPED my sister so he is in jail. He did try to put himself in her, but didn't succeed. She could have said he abused her, or he inappropriately touched her. etc. but she had to be as dramatic as possible.
I asked her, what was in it for you? You betrayed you little sister, your brother and your parents, what was so important for you to get from telling this?
I should clarify - I yelled a lot of this at her, just to be brutally honest. I had her in tears and I am not sorry. I am still angry 2 days later. She is grounded BIG TIME. She is supposed to go on another "retreat" for 3 days at the end of the month, and I am seriously considering canceling. I just don't want the church to lose money if they have already paid for her.
My question is this - I am contemplating making her go to these people (along with me and the girls mother) and tell them that she was wrong to tell and ask them to please keep it to themselves. This is probably too little too late, I am sure that these teenage girls have passed it around. Some of these girls were good friends with her brother, they are only 2 years apart. But, the point is to make her take responsiblity for her actions. My husband just got home, I'll be back later.
I have discussed with her NUMEROUS times about not discussing this with anyone. I have explained that when the neighbors ask (my stepson had a lot of friends in the neighborhood - we had just moved here 8 months before she disclosed) just tell them that he got in trouble and had to go away for a while. That if they continue to question her, to tell them to ask her mom.
I just asked her about 3 weeks ago if anyone had asked about her brother lately, and had she told anyone. I had explained to her previously about how this could affect her little sister, and even affect her brother if he were to come back home and try to make a fresh start. (I hadn't told her that there is NO WAY he will ever live under my roof again!) She understood, or so I thought. I told her that if the parents of her little sisters friends found out, they may not let her come and play. They will think badly of her dad and i as parents. (If you haven't been thru this, it's easy to judge what kind of parent we must be - i.e. ones who doesn't pay attention to what is going on, neglectful, etc.) But mainly that it might make people treat her little sister differently.
So on Sunday our Bishop called us into his office at church. His daughter was at a church girl's camp with my daughter and guess what she had told his daughter!?!?!? He knows the story, and just asked his daughter to keep this information to herself because it could affect my 8 year old daughter. But, he was concerned that she may have told others.
It is NOT that we are ashamed of her, that we want to keep it a secret, but she hasn't even dealt with it, she DOES NOT want to talk about it under any circumstances. She did her forensic interview and she is going to play therapy, but she CRINGES and CRIES if I bring it up. She loved her big brother very much. She is so confused and I think she feels a bit disloyal for telling on him. He had convinced her that she would be in big trouble if we found out.
So come to find out, she had already told one friend, long before we had our last discussion where she assured me that she hadn't told anyone. She obviously lied. Then we ask her who else she has told, and she admits to 2 girls at camp. She says but they are my best friends! First of all, it DOESN"T MATTER WHAT THEY ARE!!!! Second, she has hung out with them all of 3 or 4 times in the course of the last year and a half. This makes them best friends???? I don't trust that there arent more people she has told. She also told in the most DRAMATIC way. My brother RAPED my sister so he is in jail. He did try to put himself in her, but didn't succeed. She could have said he abused her, or he inappropriately touched her. etc. but she had to be as dramatic as possible.
I asked her, what was in it for you? You betrayed you little sister, your brother and your parents, what was so important for you to get from telling this?
I should clarify - I yelled a lot of this at her, just to be brutally honest. I had her in tears and I am not sorry. I am still angry 2 days later. She is grounded BIG TIME. She is supposed to go on another "retreat" for 3 days at the end of the month, and I am seriously considering canceling. I just don't want the church to lose money if they have already paid for her.
My question is this - I am contemplating making her go to these people (along with me and the girls mother) and tell them that she was wrong to tell and ask them to please keep it to themselves. This is probably too little too late, I am sure that these teenage girls have passed it around. Some of these girls were good friends with her brother, they are only 2 years apart. But, the point is to make her take responsiblity for her actions. My husband just got home, I'll be back later.
I understand why you are so angry at your daughter. Her telling others could really make life more difficult for you and your family. I'm glad that the Bishop told your or else you wouldn't have even known what your daughter was telling other people. Since you have already warned your daughter not to say anything I think it is a good idea to make her take responsibility for her actions. It seems to me that this is bothering her a great deal and she feels torn. Maybe she's looking for comfort from her peers or she wants to see what they think. This is a very difficult situation and I wish none of us were in this mess. Maybe you could have the Bishop ask her to keep quite. He could tell her that if she wants to talk about it she can tell him or talk about it in therapy. Take care.
Nothing like the same situation, but I have a much older son who knows about the abuse of my daughter (by someone outside the family). He was supportive at the beginning- but I honestly don't think he gets it in the way we do. This is just so peripheral to him- because he doesn't understand how hurt she is. I think your older daughter has to realise what this has done to her sister- the only way that she will understand enough to start protecting her by NOT discussing this with other people. And the only way to begin to REALLY understand why her older brother has been sent away. There is probably a bit of attention seeking happening too- I'm guessing the focus has been pretty much on your younger daughter over the last few years.
My daughter is a drama queen. She needs attention. I know this, but she is so difficult to deal with. I am having a hard time. She has ADD and the only med that helped her was taken off of the approved drug list for our insurance so we cannot afford it. The alternative doesn't seem to help much. A higher dose causes tics and still doesn't do much to help her control herself. She gets loud and crazy and out of control and we ask her to calm down and within 5 minutes or less she is doing the exact same things we just asked her to stop. She is an amazing story teller, a talented artist, a real sweet girl, too. But she can't remember anything for more than about 2 minutes - and I am not exaggerating. It is frustrating to have 7 and 8 year old kids that can remember and execute more complicated instructions than she can. I can ask them to go pick up their toys, take them down to the playroom, be sure to shut off the light and close the door and then bring up their clean clothes from the laundry room. They will remember and do it. If I tell her to please go down and push the start button on the washer, and then 15 minutes later ask her if she did it, she will ask me, "did what?". This is not just occasionally, this is constantly ALL DAY EVERY DAY!
Okay, I realize how bad I sound, and I am not always like this, I am just really frustrated and angry at this last series of events. There is no way that these 3 teenage girls have not told anyone else. So, it is going to be impossible to control or stop the story from going around. I am just saddened and depressed because I have tried to keep things normal. There are a bunch of people I would have liked to tell to get support and comfort, but for the sake of my daughter and family I have only talked to a few trusted people. Then she goes and basically yells it from the rooftops.
Ok, I am done. Thanks for listening. I am not usually this angry and petty, just feeling a lot right now. I know I will get thru it and over it, just needed to vent.
Of course I still love her, of course I will still support her and everything else, just probably gonna be mad at her for a few more days before I can deal with it.
Thanks for listening, love to all of you as we go thru this nightmare. If I could just get rid of the 24 hour TV screen in my head that shows me what it all must have looked like, I might be able to handle this better. Oh well.
Jen
http://www.eftuniverse.com/
Anyway, hope this helps somehow, and hang in there! (((hugs)))
(P.S. I'm not offended if you thinks this sounds absolutely absurd--I didn't comprehend it for a while either; it's not for everyone!)
My two girls, the victim - 8 yrs old, and her 14 yr old big sister (the one who told) are both in counseling with the same therapist. My little boy - 7 yrs old was in the room a lot of the times that the abuse happened, watching a movie or something. My son - the abuser - would put a blanket over them so the little brother couldn't see, but he knew something was going on. I am waiting for this same therapist to have an opening for him also.
As for myself, I need to find a therapist. I haven't had the energy or time, I have been trying to get my husband thru an illness that is dragging on, but I know I need to do it soon. I am going to try to persuade my husband to do some counseling with me, as well, but I don't know if he will.
If it wasn't for my little girl, I would talk about it. I think it might be easier (that word is relative, if you know what i mean) to talk about for those of you whose child was not abused by a member of your family living under your roof with you. When it is your child that abused your child, it is almost impossible to handle. I still love my son, but right now I feel a lot of hate and anger. I feel sad for him, he is ashamed and he has lost his freedom of choice for now, but he made the bed, he has to lie in it. Don't think for one moment that I wish he had his freedom, etc. I just feel sad for how he has ruined his life. I have to hope he can get better. BUT I will never let him alone with a child again as long as I am alive.
OK, I am going on and on again! Thanks again for all your advice, hugs and caring. I would never have made it this far without all of you. Bandmom - I will check out that website, thanks so much for giving it to me!
Love to all of you, Jen
I can definitely understand your feelings and need to express them. My daughter actually told a lot of other kids. There were several families that diconnected from us all together once they knew. You also need to consider that kids can be very pushy and nosy, too. My daughter went to a sleepover birthday party and for some reason where her dad was came up and she ended up telling them in prison and then they wanted to know why and then they wanted all the details. My daughter explained later that she felt so pushed to tell them because they kept asking her over and over and over and wouldn't let it go. Well, I got a call at 2 a.m. that I needed to come pick up my daughter immediately!! It was extremely upsetting for all of us involved and actually broke my daughter's heart.
Personally, it is absolutely a shame that this remains such a taboo topic, but it is also understandable that some parents don't want their kids to even know about sex yet, let alone deal with explaining sexual abuse. Instead of framing it to my daughter like something wrong that she shouldn't do (afterall, not her fault and she was just being truthful), I framed it more as an ordinary boundary issue. Although we talk openly in our household, other households don't and they have that right. In the same way that I don't cuss at work or in church, even though I might some at home, I try to be respectful of other people who don't talk about sexual issues. I'm not sure how much it will help, but I noticed with my kids the more I made such horrible, extraordinary issues more normalized, they more receptive they were to dealing with them on a real level.
Hugs to you and keep venting here, it's a safe place with many who have felt so much of the same frustration and anger.
I'm sorry to say this and know you are going to be offended, however you are here looking for advice right ? I agree with Merrylegsmom silence is the wrong approach ! I've been told by many of you here that you appreciate my perspective and I truly appreciate that. I don't post very often, and only do when I believe I can help someone like yourself.
You're anger directed at you're daughter is counter productive believe me ! You're daughter did not do anything other then what she NEEDS to do. She is hurting like you and needs to talk about it. Trying to sweep this under the carpet like you are and have her keep silence will surely blow up like it has and will continue to blow up. You're teaching you're children to keep their feelings and emotions in check. I have a wife that endured similar abuse, and believe me at 54 years old she has a very difficult time with being open about her emotions.
I know with 100 % certainty that healing can only come for survivors, family, & partners from discussing the abuse. Surely I don't mean having to sing it from the rooftops, but telling you're daughter to keep quiet makes you're little angel who endured the abuse seem like she did something wrong. Not only does it make her feel like she has done something wrong, it also will make her feel responsible for you and you're daughter not getting along. She will come to believe if she just kept quiet everything would be great. That is the dystruction which rips apart the family and makes the survivor once again feel miserable. Each and everyone of you are a secondary victim to you're stepson's abusive ways. He is the one who deserves anything which comes his way. You must keep him away from you're little one and she should have never have to look at him again. My wife still to this day gets PTSD symptoms when she sees somebody who resembles her perp. (her brother).
I would encourage you to post you're feelings and thoughts in the incest survivor group here on D.S. I would suspect that those who have endured the type of abuse you're little angel endured would agree with my thoughts.
I do hope things will get better for you, again I'm sorry to be so blount. However, my perspective does come from living, studying, supporting a survivor of incest for the last 20 years.
Take Care !!
Tom