You asked for honesty so.....believe your daughter,get your son and move out.That being said I am so sorry for your situation.Did you expect your husband to admit to it?Of course not.Children seldom lie about such things ,forgive me I don't remember the stats.You need to ask yourself why would she lie,I know you said you believe her and that's huge for her, but I also know that most of us here can't imagine such horror in our lives that at some level we look for reasons to say it isn't so.Are you living away from your home?How old is your son?Take a deep breath and get your thoughts together.We all u derstand how difficult it is,you are looking at looking your life as it was.Let your heart believe and start the healing process.You will settle in to a new normal.I truely believe it is shock we all feel at first.We are all here to guide you and support you,there are wonderful people here and very knowlegable.BTW,get yourself into therapy,it helps Hugs.

I'm so sorry you're having to process this horrible truth -- and it is the truth. Statistically, more than 96% of disclosures of sexual abuse are true. Statistically (and I'm making this one up) 100% of abusers confronted with the truth will deny it.

My daughter disclosed only when she was 23 that she had been routinely raped by a neighbor when she was 8 years old, so I know the devastation of realizing that your life was a lie. I know you would have given anything to have it not be true. What are you willing to give knowing it IS true?

Thank you for your honesty yes I'm still in the family home, my son is 18. My daughter lives 100 miles away so I'm splitting my time between the two places. I have already tried to get therapy I'm in the UK and the normal wait for support is 12 weeks. I am seeing a normal counsellor though till I get a specialist appointment. Xx I've read the statistics, I've help mw little girl in my arms and I believe her I honestly do, I am struggling to believe the husband I've loved for 21 years is capable of it.

Of course you are struggling to believe this. Had you known at the time, you'd have split 15 years ago and never looked back. But now you've invested all that extra time and emotion....it's not going to work its way out in your head or your heart overnight.

Here's how it sounds to me: you are doing your best to attend to your beloved daughter's needs in the meantime. I'm so glad you'll be attending to your own, in therapy. But you are dissatisfied with this situation, and that's why you reached out here. So you've already taken another step. That's good -- the status quo is too painful and discordant.

My unasked-for advice for today is to keep writing -- here, or in a password-protected journal -- so you have an outlet for this whirling confusion. Just getting your thoughts lined up is a challenge at this point. Getting them out releases them, if only momentarily, but that's what we have at this stage of disclosure: moments leading to other moments.

I look back to my daughters disclosure and its seems like a dream,I believed her and her abuser,her cousin,confessed.I though"OK we can do this".but I was not prepared for the emotions,gut wrenching emotions.But being here helped,a lot.I can understand you feeling torn,I was best friends with my sister in law(her son was the abuser) and we continued to be friends until she would not get him therapy.What does your gut tell you?

Naive you are so right thank you. I'm struggling with the lack of help the lack of understanding my family know (she disclosed to my nephew at a party by the end both my sisters and their families knew) they are encouraging me to walk away and wouldn't understand how I cant turn off my feelings for him so can't talk to them. Yes that's why I came here.
Hopefulmuma my gut tells me she's telling the truth. My head tells me she is and that I need to run a mile. My heart tells me he isn't capable of it. And to stay for my son's sake. He only knows about the accusation but not any of the details as until I get my head straight I can't face telling him. At the moment I'm being there for my daughter if she needs me I can't be there for him until she's stronger and doesn't need me as much xx

You are doing the right thing,you believe her and that will go a long way in her recovery.You can't just turn off feelings,I miss my sister in law terribly,your family is looking in from the outside.we can't comprehend this,how could they.and how can we believe that our husbands,fathers,grandfathers,cousins,brothers could possibly do something so evil,so hurtful,how could we have been such a bad judge of character,how could our children not tell us after the first time.I think I can speak for everyone here when I say there are no answers.Tell your daughter how brave she is,how you are behind her 100%,and how she will be OK.Come here with Amy questions you have,everyone e here has unfortunately learned a lot and has a wealth of info

Just know this disease is not cureable and certainly someone in denial is not going to be working toward being a non offending pedophile or being a safew person. The police told me point blank if someone has a sexual attraction to children they will always have it ALWAYS. It is not like they can decide to not be attracted to children. Even if they are in an adult relationship (which many hide in). The detective said it would be like him telling me to only be attracted to women not men. Obviously I couldn't just change my sexual orientation. For whatever reason your husbands orientation is toward children. Now my step dad molested me when I was a 13 after puberty. There is some that will pick a certain age but in my case my step then offended on a my daughter who was just turning three. So there really is nothing that says because he offended on a teen that would be his only target or because she was a girl it couldn't be a boy. Most often it is a matter of access. I've heard it said pedophiles don't discriminate. I say all this to say if this issue is not dealt with it could affect future generations. Grandchildren. The only affective method of safety is no contact between offender and children period. Your husband is fine with adults he is likely not going to offend on other adults so those relationships are fine. I realize at this time you are processing, fearful, and taking a cautious stride. When I told my mom that her husband molested me she decided that her own comfort was more important, she probably hoped it wouldn't be a problem again, decided it couldn't be that bad or perhaps was a misunderstanding like her husband told her. Now twenty years later he's sexual abusing a 3yr old my mom's first grand daughter. So now my poor mom has had no contact from me or her grandchildren for three years and I have no intention to in the future. She also has at least three more little granddaughters from 1 to 4 years old that she has over and puts in harms way with her husband. The pain will only increase. I hope you see that doing nothing is not the best option.

Thank you so much for that. It is hard reading it from your side and I totally know I have to leave him. It's like a drug addict wanting one last fix. My 18 year old son is also involved and he is standing by his dad and doesn't believe his sister so I stand to loose him either short or long term, and right now I can't bear that. If it wasn't for him I would have just walked away.
I am helping my daughter heal and spending loads of time with her and how ever hard it is to loose everything I have at home she is my world, my baby and always will be.
Your story hits home and I've been reading as many like yours as I can to help me make that break.
I'm sending you a hug for sharing it with me thank you xx

This is always a loose loose situation. I think after a time of healing and accepting it is what it is we all feel compelled to tell our story.I feel I have an obligation to tell and maybe save a family from this horror.I never left my daughter with anyone,my mom babysat her,she never went anywhere alone,I knew the families of her friends.And the abuse happened in the same home that I was in,with me present.its therapeutic for me to share and the more we get the word out the more people will speak up and hopefully change some laws.I hope your son will come around and I can't imagine having to choose between the two.Be kind to yourself

Thank you so much I'm looking for somewhere new to live and will talk to him in detail when I've found somewhere as want to keep the "pretend normal life" as peaceful as I can at the moment I have enough stress without any more at the moment I'm prioritising my daughter so I can be available 24/7 if needed.
I'm so thankful for this site and for everyone who has offered support.

Hi Eeyore, I agree with the previous posts where it was said that the offender rarely confesses. They have so much to lose by doing so and so when my ex confessed, I can't even begin to tell you how the detective and our victim services rep celebrated. They were pretty much in shock as they did not expect that. His confession has been the only part of this process that I have been thankful for. It prevented my daughter from having to relive the horrible acts on the stand in court. For that, I am very thankful. It is scary to leave your entire life behind, and it is hard to separate the horrible things he did from the love you have for him. I know this very well, but he is not who you think he is. I have realized after leaving all the ways that he manipulated me in order to have access to my daughter. He still to this day tells people he loves me and always has, but what he did to me and my children is not love. And even though they have this sick attraction to children, it's a choice. He chose to purposely and methodically destroy my daughter as well as me and my other children. And though I spent years trying to find my new normal and moving from place to place because I couldn't financially take care of my children on my own, I felt a sort of freedom because I soon felt the difference when I was no longer being manipulated. I had no idea he was manipulating me the way he was until I left and was free from it. I'm so sorry your son does not believe your daughter. That has to be the hardest thing, but maybe he could attend a therapy session with you or your daughter to eventually come to terms. He is an adult so he has to make his own decisions and like I tell my two children who are the biological children of my ex, it is up to them, but I do ask them to think about the safety of their children when they have some. It's still hard and I think it will always be a struggle, but trying to stay keeps everything so fresh and I believe it causes deeper pain and later regrets. In the beginning you won't know that, but you will feel the relief later. I promise. I wish I had never tried to stay. It allowed him to manipulate me a little longer and steal more of my life that I can never get back. I understand the confusion you feel, it is very very hard, but I wish you comfort and clarity. I'm so sorry you are facing this situation.

Wow thank you so much for your post ! You have been where I am and understand the way I'm torn. I've talked at length with my best friend this weekend and I do wonder whether I to have been manipulated. At the moment my marriage feels like a drug I'm addicted to and I desperately need to go into rehab ! I am gradually coming to terms with the thought of me having to leave him and that scares the hell out of me physically emotionally and financially but I know I have to gain the strength from somewhere. Thank you again for sharing your experience with me xx

You're more than welcome. I definitely understand. I even actually used those exact words about being addicted to him when I was trying to muster up the courage to just leave. I don't know what music you listen to, but there is a song by Pink called Just Like a Pill. I listened to that song so many millions of times. It is very scary in all the aspects you mentioned. Hopefully your friend can be supportive and share her strength with you. It was rough being on my own, but it helped me know that even though it was hard, I didn't need him as much as I thought I did.

Rym4 so well put all the pain and suffering is placed on the right person. That is how it is the manipulation is incredible. My step dad would always go out of his way doing favors for our family. He has my mom so blinded even seeing his Internet pedophilia searches wasn't enough to wake her up and perhaps her own denial. She never even considered that something actually happened. It is craziness that she lives in ... no life at all.