Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
In the fall of 2017, my 4 yo daughter dislcosed to me that her father/my husband touched her inappropriately. When she told me, I removed her and her sister from the home. We got a protection order in place and reported it to cps and law enforcement. During this time we have tried doing forensic interviews but my daughter will not go in a room alone with them to do the interview. She is not used to speaking with strangers. We have started child centered play therapy but has not said anything specific to the therapist. At this point, I am told that without a third party disclosure (Either to a therapist or law enforcement), there is nothing I can do, to protect my children. My husband is adamant that he is innocent, but my daughter is so specific and clear with what happened, it just doesn't make sense that she is lying. All professionals in this area who have heard the story, say, with the details she has presented, its likely he did do it and they all believe my husband is guilty and lying to me. I only have a few months until my protection order is over. My options are return to my husband and try to protect them in the home (basically sacrifce my life for them) or file for divorce. If I file for divorce, I know he will fight for custody. My attorney says that without a third party disclosure, he will get unsupervised visitation, if not partial-full custody (with a good lawyer). Does anyone have any other ideas? We are hoping something will shift before the protection order expires but we are running out of time and ideas. I am trying to figure out if there are any other options. Has anyone been in this situation? For me, either of those options will be a living nightmare, unless I am able to get custody with ONLY supervised visitation or a forensic interview that will hold up in court and he goes to jail and hopefully gets support he needs. All I want to do is to protect them so they have a chance to live a meaningful and happy life. My 4 year old already suffers from issues from this abuse. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do and its far from over. The worst part is, he was a good father and we had a lovely life, for the most part, before this happened. Its so heart breaking. I am so broken and sad and confused.....and at loss on how to proceed. Any suggestions are welcomed.....
Don't wait for them to investigate that won't happen do your own investigating. Hire someone what you need is physical evidence that can be used in court.
As far as therapist go as long as it is good for your daughter do that but if it isn't working do something else at the end of the day her getting better is important. The police have their objective and it's to have the easiest to prosecute case to land in their lap and if it isn't forget justice.
Worst case scenario you will do these things educate your daughter often, help her find a voice, it doesn't have to continue and you will do everything you can to make it impossible for him to hurt her. I promise you there is stuff on his computer, phone, small computer files. There is a past these are all things that build your case the police won't look at any of it until your daughter says explicitly what he did in an interview so short of that happening the rest is on you. Get support for yourself. This is double duty on you because any weakness on your part will be used against you in court to make you out to be crazy unfit mother in family court. Find out if you are in a state that requires two party agreement to record conversations used in court. Some states like Oregon you can but WA you can't.
Is there anyone in his family you can trust to do some digging?
Do you know if you he can remove history etc from his computer that is unrecoverable? My husband claims he is innocent. If he allowed me to hire a private investigator to look at his computer, would he be able to prep for that? I don't have family that can help. His parents are on his side 100%. He isn't in contact with anyone else who could dig. I like this idea, now where in the world do I look for a private investigator.
He did a polygraph and passed. That was on his own accord. I was not there to choose who did it and talk with them about questions, etc.
Thank you for your suggestions, I really appreciate it.
It is my understanding that those who know what they are doing can recover things that normal people think are deleted. Obviously this would be better if you had access to it but he couldn't know. The other option is to load a key logger program on his computer these can be loaded without him knowing and it wouldn't be obvious that it was even there. Do some research there are different types.
Again you can contact a PI firm and find out what options you may have I found one in WA that worked these types of cases if I had money to burn you bet I'd have someone looking at my step-dad. Again you would have to get the money without him knowing a credit card your own family might be able to help.
Does he have a sister, cousins, aunts anyone. Ex girlfriend with kids.
These guys are into illegal things it's a compulsion that they can't stop. No matter the risk they will do it. This is good for you because he will make that mistake all you need is someone waiting for him to make that mistake.
It absolutely sucks that the police and people you think should be helping you and doing all these things in saying won't lift a finger to help. As for other interviews I was told it is better to not have many if course better for them doesn't mean they can't. I was told as soon as my daughter starts talking let them know we'll it's been almost four years and now it's like it didn't happened she just buried or refuses to talk about it. But it still affects her.
I once emailed Ashton Kutcher charity that catches human traffickers and rescues children I was like I know where a pedifle is right now.
Anyway just like we have to be our own doctor you have to be your own detective too.
He never dated anyone with kids or was ever exposed to many children. He only has a brother, but he doesn't live near any family. I honestly think that if he did it, he doesn't fall into the pedophile category but something like the situational/regressed offender. For that reason, I may never find anything on his computer. I have thought about contacting one of his ex girlfriends to see if I could get any other information from her.
Seems like there should be better resources out there other than report to CPS and law enforcement. There are so many children who fall through the cracks in this set up (like mine).
heartsadX3, it sounds like your step father was never found guilty? Did you go to court? How old is your daughter now? I worry about that happening to mine. On the one hand I want her to move on and heal, but if she doesn't talk now, then will she ever? I keep thinking, oh I hope she will remember, so when she is ready to talk, she can, but that also feels like a burden for her to carry. This is all so hard for so many different reasons.
Just goes to show this stuff just goes under ground but it doesn't go away.
That's why I think in your case too there has to be more you don't see. They are the best hiders the best liars. Seek advice from private investigators there may be more you can do than you know. The police won't do much if the child isn't talking.
Mine didn't and even if she did the trial and rest would be hard too. It's really a no win.
The State or County where you reside is mandated to investigate all legitimate allegations of child abuse, neglect, or dependency, but their resources and investigative techniques are limited, and their staff is often young and inexperienced in detecting crimes against children. Despite their best intentions, a young social worker may have problems deciding whom to believe, the accused, or the accuser. If your past allegations to a child protection agency have been declared “unsubstantiated,” and you continue to believe that a child is being victimized, a private investigator at ICS is your next and best step.
Perhaps you suspect child abuse or molestation, but maybe you have not initiated an investigation yet because you don’t wish to alert the perpetrator to your suspicions. Discreet investigation can be implemented by a PI at ICS to gather evidence before the abuser modifies his/her behavior, making the abuse harder to detect and prove.
While State and County child welfare workers depend primarily on interview and observation to investigate allegations of physical abuse, neglect, or sexual abuse, private detectives make use of a number of techniques to obtain solid evidence of abuse:
Video, Audio, and Photographic Surveillance
Undercover, Covert, and Decoy Methods
Stake-outs and Sting Operations
Records Search and Background Investigations
Coordination With Law Enforcement
Internet and Other Electronic Tracking
Clearly, these investigative methods can gather essential evidence to successfully stop the abuse and convict the perpetrator of crimes against children.