Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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intothelight 01/21/2018

In the fall of 2017, my 4 yo daughter dislcosed to me that her father/my husband touched her inappropriately. When she told me, I removed her and her sister from the home. We got a protection order in place and reported it to cps and law enforcement. During this time we have tried doing forensic interviews but my daughter will not go in a room alone with them to do the interview. She is not used to speaking with strangers. We have started child centered play therapy but has not said anything specific to the therapist. At this point, I am told that without a third party disclosure (Either to a therapist or law enforcement), there is nothing I can do, to protect my children. My husband is adamant that he is innocent, but my daughter is so specific and clear with what happened, it just doesn't make sense that she is lying. All professionals in this area who have heard the story, say, with the details she has presented, its likely he did do it and they all believe my husband is guilty and lying to me. I only have a few months until my protection order is over. My options are return to my husband and try to protect them in the home (basically sacrifce my life for them) or file for divorce. If I file for divorce, I know he will fight for custody. My attorney says that without a third party disclosure, he will get unsupervised visitation, if not partial-full custody (with a good lawyer). Does anyone have any other ideas? We are hoping something will shift before the protection order expires but we are running out of time and ideas. I am trying to figure out if there are any other options. Has anyone been in this situation? For me, either of those options will be a living nightmare, unless I am able to get custody with ONLY supervised visitation or a forensic interview that will hold up in court and he goes to jail and hopefully gets support he needs. All I want to do is to protect them so they have a chance to live a meaningful and happy life. My 4 year old already suffers from issues from this abuse. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do and its far from over. The worst part is, he was a good father and we had a lovely life, for the most part, before this happened. Its so heart breaking. I am so broken and sad and confused.....and at loss on how to proceed. Any suggestions are welcomed.....

heartsadx3 01/22/2018

Do you have access to computers he used phones etc. There are programs you can install called key logger programs that will record what is typed on the device better than. History that can be erased. If you have computers he used take them to someone who can see if there are any I appropriate material. My step dad who abused my daughter who was 2 yrs old was also doing internet searches that supported that he was into pedophilia. These things don't happen in a bubble so think about where else he could have been in these activities perhaps think of family that might know of other incidents brothers, sisters, cousins. Play therapy is not meant to get disclosures. It takes a long time. I did parent child Interactive therapy where I was in the room and then she worked with a trauma specialist. Check into more state funded programs. Sometimes they are just better at these issues they get more of them. It an take a year of working thru everything. Have a journal recording day to day things disclosures made to you this can help later in court. Talk to a private investigator

hopefulmama 01/22/2018

Also there should be a child advocate in the room with her,totally legal.Maybe you can get your daughter to trust the advocate and work on getting them together so your daughter trusts her. I agree,play therapy is not meant to push for disclosure,you need a trauma therapist.There is another member,maybe 2who stayed with their abusive husband to protect the kids from exactly what you described.Its a very tough situation and I feel for you!

intothelight 01/22/2018

Thank you both for your reply. heartsadx3, I do not have access to his computers anymore, as we left the home. My understanding is there would be an investigation if she does a forensic interview, but unlikely without it unless CPS gets more involved. I will have to look into what a trauma specialist is and where the nearest one would be. Is Trauma Specialist their main title? My daughters therapist and my therapist both said that anything other than play therapy or the forensic interview will appear in court as if its coached and will not really hold up, so they didn't recommend any other form of therapy for her. My husband has the ability to hire a really good lawyer as well. Hopefulmama-yes they will allow a legal advocate during the forensic interview with law enforcement, but that is still a stretch for my daughter. We tried 3 times and then law enforcement said, we won't push it, call us if and when she is ready to talk. Well she is barely 4 and a shy 4 year old. They said if I or any family member is in the room, it won't hold up in court. We actually just recently contacted the original advocate they gave us to see if she would be willing to build rapport with my daughter. Apparently returning to the offender is way to common because of the exact situation I am in. They are too young to talk and a testimony is not possible.

Naive1.2 01/22/2018

Sorry to ask a stupid question, but what is meant by "third party disclosure"? Does it mean a new child coming forward with a disclosure about the perpetrator?

intothelight 01/22/2018

When the lawyer talks about a third party disclosure, (at least in my case) they mean my child speaking to and disclosing the abuse to someone other than myself or family. Someone neutral like law enforcement, a teacher or therapist. They can say all they want to me but none of it will hold up in court or support a criminal case.

Momabearx10 01/22/2018

What about a Pediatrician?

Momabearx10 01/22/2018

What is your daughter spends some time with the advocate just so she gets to know them first?

intothelight 01/22/2018

A pediatrician would look too coached and they would have to directly ask, which looks leading. If there was physical evidence, then a pediatrician would work, but there isn't, or its too late I believe.

We are hoping we can have her spend time with the advocate. We are working on that right now to see if they are willing. We asked the police officer in charge of the forensic interview if he would spend time with her, but he said no, it would look too coached. So its possible, if we do this with the advocate, it could still look coached and go against us in the end. I don't know. We just want her comfortable in the room! They only give you one forensic interview. Once its done, there are no re dos! So it is important to do it right from the beginning.

Momabearx10 01/22/2018

Bless your heart. Well what if she spends maybe just time with her and u in another room? I have a four year old so i can only imagine how scares ahe must be. This system is so Fed up.

Momabearx10 01/22/2018

I tookd my 8 year old to a ped a couple days of disclosure. I called the ped told her what was going on. And she made a special appointment and took me in a room first and i told her what happened. Then she talked to my child about it directly. I didnt say a word. Idk I know 4 is so different. But maybe an idea? Im sorry in wished i could do more. I don't want to see either of you back there☹️ Can u turn around and file another protection order?

intothelight 01/23/2018

So did your pediatrician testify in court then? Did it hold up? How did that play out. I have been told that would be considered leading questions and it wouldn't hold up in court.

I can try to get more time on the protection order and probably will try. Our therapist is saying that the judges don't really listen to the therapists request for more time though and its unlikely I would get more time.

I had no idea how hard the system is for mothers and young children in this situation. Its really insane.

Momabearx10 01/23/2018

Its awful. We do not know if it will even make it to court, sadly. The case is at the DA's office... Because the perp is 12, nothing may happen at all. I took him to the pediatrician, because he appeared to be in pain down there. I told her ahead of time because of how anxious he was, I could not take him to the Er and traumatize him further. Peds here are mandated reporters. They have to report. We already contacted CPS and while we were waiting on dang phone call from them to set up an appointment, I took him to Dr. The officer did say his statement was consistent with what he told us, the dr, and the forensics interviewer. You know, in times of "ME TOO", this is where things need to fixed. This whole system sucks.

intothelight 01/23/2018

That sounds frustrating. Well that 12 year old probably is being abused himself? Thats all so sad. Wishing your son healing and easy recovery.

Because the offender in my case, is the father, its even harder. I just want to protect my children but the courts do not like to take away parental rights unless its without a doubt necessary. What I say means nothing to them because I am the mother. If all I had to do was avoid the offender, this situation would be so much easier, I could manage that. When a parent is involved, there are hardly any options and the children are often forced to return to the offenders home. Its all so scary.

hopefulmama 01/24/2018

My daughter told her school counselor,who was the one who reported.Soenfong time with an advocate should not trigger fears of her being coached,the advocates do many things so spending time with her would not seem strange.I don't agree with your play therapist,you know your daughter went through trauma,so a trauma therapist is appropriate.If she never tells does that mean she should never deal with the trauma? No of course not.Also a good trauma therapist won't ask the gory details,you will have to speak with the therapists before and ask many questions and tell them everything you suspect.My daughter told her school counselor because she felt safe with her.Most important,trust your gut!A good therapist is hard to find,if it does not feel right or if progress is not seen,move on

Kickingupdust 01/24/2018

The voice of the child is paramount. If she will only talk to you and if she brings up the topic record it. Don't lead her. Only respond with tell me more about that what happened then etc. Ask the police for details of approved trained therapists who are credible to work with csa trauma. They are putting you off because of resource and funding. If you believe it do not stop fighting for your children's safety and welfare. Ask them what happens if your child comes to them in years to come wishing to press charges directly against their father and they did not pursue this case due to funding? Talk to your mp. Document everything.

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