Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi
Well, our hell is just getting worse. Haven't slept a wink. It's nearly 3am here. My 15yodd shared last night that she is constantly dissociating, losing whole chunks of each day. Her dissociation is becoming more severe and frequent. Her depression seems worse and she isn't sleeping much, which is only making things worse. Her last counselling session the counsellor almost called an ambulance. I'm really scared and don't know how to help. All I can do is cry and wish this hell was over. She is such an amazing young lady with so much potential and right now all I see is her struggling to make it through one day with her mind barely there. This is so wrong. It's not what your childhood is meant to be about.
The sexual abuse has robbed her of so much and I want to scream. The teachers don't understand and just tell her it's not acceptable and to pull it together. They have no idea. I'm scared that she will become suicidal to end her misery. She was close to doing that last year. I'd hoped that this year would be better, but it's only getting worse.
There are some good things happening, like my daughter and I are becoming closer. She didn't trust me much but that has obviously changed. She is reaching out for help so often these days, is starting to talk with me, wants cuddles all the time, sometimes curls up shaking in my lap. It is tearing my heart out and I'm not sure what to do. I'm barely hanging in there myself but know that I have to be strong for my girls' sake. Our 13yo dissociates often too, but not to this extreme.
Has anyone come through this? Does dissociation eventually dissipate as the pain is worked through? This is freaking me right out.
Well, our hell is just getting worse. Haven't slept a wink. It's nearly 3am here. My 15yodd shared last night that she is constantly dissociating, losing whole chunks of each day. Her dissociation is becoming more severe and frequent. Her depression seems worse and she isn't sleeping much, which is only making things worse. Her last counselling session the counsellor almost called an ambulance. I'm really scared and don't know how to help. All I can do is cry and wish this hell was over. She is such an amazing young lady with so much potential and right now all I see is her struggling to make it through one day with her mind barely there. This is so wrong. It's not what your childhood is meant to be about.
The sexual abuse has robbed her of so much and I want to scream. The teachers don't understand and just tell her it's not acceptable and to pull it together. They have no idea. I'm scared that she will become suicidal to end her misery. She was close to doing that last year. I'd hoped that this year would be better, but it's only getting worse.
There are some good things happening, like my daughter and I are becoming closer. She didn't trust me much but that has obviously changed. She is reaching out for help so often these days, is starting to talk with me, wants cuddles all the time, sometimes curls up shaking in my lap. It is tearing my heart out and I'm not sure what to do. I'm barely hanging in there myself but know that I have to be strong for my girls' sake. Our 13yo dissociates often too, but not to this extreme.
Has anyone come through this? Does dissociation eventually dissipate as the pain is worked through? This is freaking me right out.
Dd said that kids just come up to her and grab her on the sides. This is done pretty much to everyone, it's just what friends do to each other, but for her it's not a good thing. She also said that a kid grabbed her bottom and she has no idea who.
I want to take her pain away, but can't. I hate this big time.
Once you feel better, you'll be able to better help her feel better. There's a reason in airplane crashes that the mom is told to put her O2 mask in before her child's.
When you have to live with your abuser your body and mind must find ways to cope and survive and I believe that this is what your daughter was/is doing. It became more pronounced for our daughter once she had disclosed to us and her brother was away from her. Everything got much worse for a few months after she disclosed. There was a lot of pain there that she had been trying to push down for years. Many nights I stayed up for hours because I was so afraid that she would attempt suicide again. The first year was hell for sure. Things will get better eventually because you are doing the right things for her now.
Now how to help her with it. This is what we did although you may need to try different things as well. Making sure that she has a good counselor, keeping her away from the abuser (which you are doing), we took down all pictures and anything that reminded our daughter of our son. This was incredibly helpful to her and to us as well. We didn't need any reminders. Ask your daughter if this may help her as well. Listening to her when she needed to talk about it , giving her space when she didn't want to think or talk about it. Allowing her some freedom to choose what treatments she thought might work best for her but please keep in mind that our daughter was 18 by this time so you may need to do things a little differently because your daughter is still a minor.
My daughter graduated school fine and went away to college but had a horrible experience because she wasn't ready and hadn't healed enough. We ended up withdrawing her early and bringing her home. She took a semester off and got well enough to start working. She worked part time first, lived at home and then went to the local community college in the fall. For her this was the right thing to do. I understand how competitive it can be in school. All of my kids graduated with high honors and attended college. My daughter, as the youngest , felt a lot of pressure and we had the talk many times about how she was not her grades and was just as valuable whether she were getting As or Cs. The 3 months that she stayed home and just healed were transforming for her. Your daughters may need to do this to heal. You will know what is best.
Meds, if it is appropriate. Our daughter had the most success with Lexapro. She also used Xanax when the panic attacks were bad. Our daughter stopped taking the Lexapro after a year and tried Prozac because she felt she was too sedated on the Lexapro and it made her gain about 30 lbs. The Prozac has worked wonderfully as well and she seems very balanced now. She hasn't cut in 9 months. Always being available to her when she needed us. My husband came home from work one day for a few hours because my daughter needed him to hold and soothe her. Again, please keep in mind the age differences. Our daughter was almost 18 when she disclosed and her brain was more developed so she responded better to anti-depressants because she was an adult. Talk to a children's psychiatrist, they usually understand the teen brain better than a regular Dr.
My daughter is 20 and just had her first kiss recently. It is normal for many survivors to not want others to touch them so we always asked our daughter if she wanted a hug because sometimes she didn't want us to touch her. She now freely gives us hugs. And has allowed a very good guy friend to hold her while she slept. She isn't ready for sex yet and is taking small steps toward intimacy with the opposite sex. She no longer dissociates.
Watch for clues as she matures. Some survivors act out sexually like I did as a young adult and others close down like my daughter did. Substance abuse problems can happen as well so watch for these types as things as well. I do believe that it makes a huge difference if you catch this while your daughter is younger and thru healing many survivors can avoid medicating with substances like drugs and alcohol. Also watch for eating disorders -they can be common for survivors as well.
I hope this helps you. Be open to trying different things. Get help for yourself. You have been re traumatized because of your own history with sexual abuse. You are strong enough, trust me. You will be able to help your daughters thru this. Please message me anytime with questions or if you just need support. I do understand what you are going thru and I want you to have faith that your family will make it thru this devastating time.
Hugs, Laura
We have done everything we can think of to remove memories of our son but always find new things. Almost every day there's something else we come across, and I'm sure that when we move house there will be a lot more to get rid of. Dh is currently going through photo albums. There are certain hand washes I can't buy and some foods. We have painted walls, changed carpet, got rid of furniture, thrown out so much and are praying that we can soon find a new house and start afresh from that viewpoint.
Our daughter is on Zoloft which seems to help with the depression, though I'm wondering if she maybe needs something else. I have spent some nights with her just holding her, sometimes crying together. She is really wanting me these days, whereas just four months ago we were very uncertain of our relationship and she did everything to avoid me and be secretive. She loves having her hair stroked, so I spend ages doing that. I am very aware with both our daughters that they may not feel comfortable being touched or held at times and always try to be sensitive to their space at that time.
This same daughter does have an eating disorder but it comes and goes. She is in a good space right now as far as that is concerned. The other problems you mention are ones I am also aware of. It's really sapping to be so hyper-vigilant and I have a tendency to over-control (one of my big problems from my abuse) so have had to learn to back off and respect that our daughters are young women who need control over certain things in their lives.
They both let guys hug them, but only the ones they know well and it is just as friends, mostly through scouts (over here it's mixed gender).
We have another counselling session today. Our daughter really clicks with her counsellor but needs her to be more available. Will see what I can do in that regard. I will also contact the school and make some appointments to see what understanding and support we can get without divulging details.
I showed my husband this support group last night and it has encouraged him too. He is really glad that we have found you wonderful people, but we wish that none of us had a reason to be here. At least by helping others we make some good come out of it.
Hyper vigilance is really the norm for moms who were abused themselves. My daughter's counselor was very helpful when it was time for me to back off and let my daughter learn to care for herself. I rescued her far too much and had to learn to just wait and see. Your counselor will be able to help you with that. I can't recommend guided imagery strongly enough. It really helped my PTSD symptoms. I listened nightly for over a year and I no longer suffer the symptoms. It could help both you and your daughters. Here is a link :
http://www.healthjourneys.com/Product_Detail.aspx?id=19
They do deliver to Australia. I hope it helps. There are many others here who can recommend alternative therapies as well.
Laura
Will look into the guided imagery. Can you maybe explain a bit more about what it is? I'm not so sure I'd be at ease about it but am willing to have an open mind.
Ms Naparstak has also written a book about trauma called Invisible Heroes if you would like a deeper understanding of PTSD and how it is possible to heal from trauma.
I know that dd needs me and feel terrible that I'm not there for her, but I handled this better than last time. At least we're talking and hugging. Pray that she gets the right treatment and diagnosis. I'm sure it's a combination of things. She was meant to be dancing tonight for St Patrick's Day and was really looking forward to it. Another disappointment. Just can't plan anything.
I am impatient at times about getting the point across - I know it's not always good.
But if you can conceptualize what I'm about to tell you some advice I received, I think it will help you and your daughter. With what I am about to tell you, please don't thjnk that I think abuse is no big deal..
So here it goes.
The psychologist I worked with told me this - in the horrid countries that socially accept sex with minors - like marriage of old man to child and dowry and all that mess - they find that if you treat sex abuse as no big deal to the child he/she will show fewer signs of trauma. This means that it's okay to talk about it and discuss healing and love/support... But it also means that as moms, we have to keep ourselves grounded.
I know in the horror of it all, it is difficult to accomplish many things. I know that while your daughter is in the hospital, the last thing you can think of is helping yourself, but I think if you can take this time that she is in responsible hands to get yourself helped, it will be really the best thing you can do to help the both of you.
I know that's yucky advice to hear - I had to hear it too, but it makes sense.
It was so hard to ground myself thru this especially for me - as my children were disclosing CPS accused me of coaching and so the man remained in my house for 5 months until he finally moved out upon his own will.
That was horror - and... I had to stay grounded at the same time.
You can do this. You ARE a survivor. Your love and dedication to your daughter is stronger than anything else. Now it's time to learn to live yourself so you can help her all the better!!!
Luv ya - wish I could hug ya!
Dd has been given valium for a few nights to settle her. It's a band aid solution. She is down to see a psychiatrist who works with adolescents to have a review of what's going on, but we don't have an appointment as yet. Should be some time this week. They will most likely increase her anti-depressant dose and possibly add in something else. Dd was not happy with the outcome at hospital but seems to be sleeping tonight, which is a good thing. Looking at all that is happening to dd atm it is obvious to me that it is full blown ptsd. Warriormama suggested a guided imagery audio which I am seriously considering. It looks good.
Must try and get some sleep. I was doing well without sleeping tablets.
Luv and hugs across the miles.
I needed as much or more counseling than my daughter at times because my daughter's abuse triggered me as well. Even if you have healed from your abuse , her abuse can reawake the old traumas in you and mix with the trauma you are feeling now. I still see a counselor once a month and it has been over 2 years since my daughter disclosed to us. I will tell you that for me the guided imagery was a total lifesaver in that first year. I still occasionally use it when things come up. Trauma (ptsd) does get stuck in the body and brain and continually loops until we find a way to heal it. That is why you are struggling so much now.
DON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR ONE SECOND! You have been there for your daughter and if anybody knows how difficult that is-especially if you have the past you have, I do. This will be incredibly hard and messy for awhile and I remember thinking that it would never end and that my husband and I would die from the stress but we didn't and you will survive this. Get help for yourself while others are caring for your daughter . Take a nap, a bath, a walk, talk to an understanding friend....do whatever you need to do to get thru it. I watched mindless TV and ate chocolate. Not the best way to deal but it got me thru the roughest times and the only thing I have to deal with is the extra weight I put on. Not the worst thing in the world.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter at this difficult time.
Laura
It's funny because you're exactly right - containing the horror so hard at times. And yes! I admit too I failed miserably at times :-). I feel worse about that at times than I do for having unknowingly left my kids w my husband (because ur supposed to trust your husband and kids' dad). More than guilt I just feel at times a jack a$$ for choosing him... But the horror and containing it so hard - and I too failed miserably w this at times - and Ty Warriormama bc you just helped me feel all the more human.
It may be worrisome for people with a history of sexual trauma to relax enough to make the most of guided imagery/affirmations and hypnosis (which is related to both of the others, and is one of the most effective treatments for PTSD). I have offered to listen to hypnosis CDs with my daughter so she's not alone and feeling vulnerable. She said she would be willing to do this, but has yet to do so -- she's considerably older than your daughter and may feel it's not appropriate to have mommy in the room -- but your younger daughter may be amenable.
In the U.S., we have what's called a 504 plan that can be used to set up certain accommodations for children with health issues. PTSD is included. The plan can allow kids to participate in school with supports that allow them to get through the day feeling safe. I don't know what you may have available where you live, but I imagine you can find out quickly by searching your country's national education website.
Internationally, I believe the term for what we're going through translates clearly: this sucks.