My daughter was sexually abused by her father and continue to make horrible decisions about herself, finances and relationships. I have tried to share things like this but she still can't accept that I have anything good to say. I think it still relates to my ten year marriage where her Dad continually told me that I was a stupid bitch repeatedly in front of the kids. At least it seems like your daughter is listening to you, so that is great, I wish mine would listen to me, as it would save her a lot of grief...

Thank you Naive for the articles. I wish I could offer some advice in return but unfortunately. I still feel like I have terrible insight into people. I am the most gullible person that I know and I constantly beat myself up over allowing this abuser into our lives. I have bent over backwards trying to protect my daughter from the littlest of harm and here I was bringing pure evil into her life. I will never again allow a man into our lives. I am happy to be single for the rest of my life, but I cannot take chances anymore at the expense of my beautiful girls.

I don't have any research about this, but I feel as if the pressure to comply with an abuser creates a sense of panic about decisions, and that survivors are more likely to acquiesce to the desires of the (potentially abusive) other, rather than putting their own needs first?

DonnaLynn, I have received no reply to the email I sent to my daughter listing the intuition articles, nor to the email I sent her with articles titled "Pick Your Boss, Not Your Job," and so forth. I'm not sure if she's checking emails, or if she has decided she doesn't have to respond to any more of my advice -- although she sure is quick to pick up the phone when she needs help. Rarely does it happen, when her number flashes up on my screen, that the discussion will simply be a pleasant update or a question about my day. There's plenty that still has to right itself, so please don't take your daughter's refusal to listen as a personal slight. Learning a better way means that she has to hear those words of advice coming from inside her own head. The day may yet come.

SaiLion, will we ever stop beating ourselves up about making that dreadful decision? I'm still right there with you. Damned manipulators -- they make us feel like it was our fault. I hope someday, if it is meaningful to you, that you are able to trust again, and yet I completely understand your current choice. That saves you stress too, for now.

This is really a tough one; parents of adult survivors seem to have to walk a thin line (in terms of advice-giving and or helping) between over-involvement and under-involvement. With addiction, the time the drug use started is usually the time that maturing either slows a lot or stops, so when the drug use stops, the maturity level is behind. It's my opinion after reading gobs of stuff over the last 7+ years that something similar occurs with child sex abuse. The mind of the abused is made to shift focus to things they never should have had to learn, consider, deal with, navigate, etc. While they are ahead of their peers in some areas because of the atrocious and adult things they had to endure, there were "normal" things missed, or missed out on, that naturally would contribute toward their process of maturing. So as adults, until they get the appropriate therapy and put in the appropriate time and effort on "catching up," it is more likely than not that they will make some bad decisions. It's one of the ways we all learn, and they will too, but it's just at more inoppurtune, inconvenient or later times in life. They do need to acknowledge that it happened or is happening though so they know what they have to work on.... Sending good thoughts and prayers your way, Naive...

Thank you, Bandmom. Much appreciated. It is a delicate operation, offering advice to a child who has suffered a delaying influence (in my daughter's case, three....). She would benefit so much from guidance along a path to maturity, but because she is chronologically an adult, it sounds to her like criticism. I think that she is beginning to acknowledge that haphazardly taking any job available today means you might miss an opportunity for a more respectful work environment the next day. Why does an employer need help right this minute? Not because it's such a great job, but because the last employee couldn't take that boss's poor treatment and walked out that morning!

As a daughter I appreciate someone being there for me more than unsolicitated advice. There were times I really wanted some insight but not to be told what to do but more to see what other options there are that I might not have seen myself. Your children are in this thing called "life" ... and life is gently teaching them exactly what they need to learn. If they or you are repeating mistakes it simply means the lesson is still there to Master. Be gentle. I need more cheerleaders than critics. The biggest critic most of us have is the one we see in the mirror. I don't need anyone agreeing with the negative ... i need someone to pull out what I don't see the positive even when I've messed up...even in bad situations. I need hope. I need love, value and acceptance. I need someone to believe in me when I don't believe in myself.

I don't need the codependent caretaking. Even if sometimes that immaturity says I do. I need my parents to show me an example of how to be a gracious person, to be giving in healthy ways, to be gentle, to say no sometimes not to be mean but because you know I can find a solution. ... like hey I love you and I'm going to let you take this one today. (Period) or before jumping into rescue me say .... wow that sounds tuff, im really sorry you are dealing with that today...how do you plan to handle it? Or what do you plan to do about that? Then refrain from telling me what to do!!!!!!

Don't you want me to think for myself? To solve my own problems? Then stop giving me advice.... my guess is at the very least you will get your daughters attention and then maybe one day they call and just want to have coffee or lunch and enjoy friendship. My guess is we are all full time jobs start taking care of you and the rest will take care of itself. That's a lot of advice. ;)

My Dear Naive! I am so happy to finally have conquered this new Daily Strength site, after unsuccessfully trying to sign in so many times during many months, that this first reply is to send you and the rest of the members that I used to talk to a big hug.

I am ThreeMusketeersback3 (imagine how many user names I had to try to recover my log in!). Well, for those who do not know my story, here it goes (in brief): my two elder sons were horribly, violently and sadistically abused by their grandfather (my father in law) AND, as new disclosures revealed later, by their grandmother (my mother in law). Eldest was abused from ages 2 to 4. The second, from ages 1 to 2 and a half. We could only save our baby, who was just 4 months old when we discovered the abuses (eldest spoke). This was almost three years ago. Me and husband (yes, the son of the perpetrators) went to the police and sued grandfather (we did not know about grandmother yet at the time). No money for lawyers, especially after paying around 40 sessions of EMDR for each one of us (victims and us, the parents) - EMDR did wonderful for us, by the way). End of the story: even with what maybe the most expensive bureau (yes, bureau, three lawyers in total working for him) in our country, grandfather was found guilty by the judge and the sentence confirmed by the Appeal Court, unanimously. 10 years in prison, closed regime. Of course, he and his wife are appealing again and again, to delay the process, and they still can go, in our system, to the Supreme Court. But since the trial has been very transparent and our attorneys, super cautious, they are not finding any formal excuse to annulate the process. This has been great, but I still want justice regarding grandmother. At first I thought she was just facilitating and providing alibis for my father in law, but now… horrendous things are arising in therapy that SHE did to our babies (they still used diapers by the time they were raped). I am having MANY triggers these days (mothers' day in our country), but we are moving on. There is light, really, at the end of the tunnel.

ThreeMusk, I'm glad you persisted -- It's great to hear from you again! (Everyone was frustrated by the new format -- I think complaints nearly crashed the site!) I'm so sorry you'd have to go through a whole separate process regarding MIL. Your poor babies.

Heart, you are SO mean, telling me to mind my own business!! :D :D :D :D

Gosh, if I learned one thing in Al-Anon, it's that the only way people grow is by learning to listen to (and possible to question or change) their own self-talk. Advice is best when sought, not delivered unsolicited. I think my forgetting this is partly because my daughter has come so far in the last two years (out of four since disclosure), and I just want to give her a little boost to help her reach the top. I think my desire to help also gets mixed with my regret over not really helping her when she most needed my help (because I didn't know what was happening). I sometimes feel like if only I could write her the perfect letter, she would read it and understand, and go on to a successful life. I think I also don't want to have yet one more reason for her to say to me, "Why didn't you help me?" But people literally cannot see how a new approach might work until they hear the suggestion from within, and until they have the courage to try. I will lay off.

SaiLion - I could have typed your reply myself. This is exactly what I feel with my own life. I've been divorced twice. 2nd marriage was my HS sweetheart whom I thought I knew but turned out to not be who I thought he was. He molested my daughters (his step daughters). I feel like I can't trust myself anymore and I refuse to bring another man around my daughters.