Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My 8 year old daughter came to me 10 days ago and told me my 16 year old son (stepson whom I adopted and have raised since age 4 - his bio mom is very seldom in contact) had been touching her. You all know the horrors that follow that. My son was picked up after school by the police. he was waiting for me to come and pick him up, but the police showed up instead. He has been at a detention center since that day. He is awaiting trial/sentencing. He will be getting treatment, etc. etc. etc.
My problem is that my daughter seems just fine. No depression, no regression, doesn't like to talk about it, but is not withdrawn or angry or sad. Well, she is sad, she misses her brother. She asked me today if she could write him a letter. I am almost mad at her for not being mad, or angry, or scared etc. I asked her today if she had been scared the first time it happened, she doesn't remember when the first time was. I have pieced together that this has been going on approx 2 years, maybe even a little longer. I want to throw up everytime I think about it. I left for work a couple of hours before my husband came home and in that time, apparently he abused her.
I am also feeling anger towards my 13 year old daughter, she was really more involved in babysitting the little kids when I went to work ( my 8 year old and 6 year old) until her dad came home. But she is always in her own little world, seriously, very creative but very little common sense or awareness. Why didn't she tell me about the time she couldn't get into her brothers room so she went outside and looked in the window and saw that he had his little sister pinned behind the dresser? Or the other times she told the investigator about when she felt uneasy about something going on while I was gone to work????
I am even feeling mad at my sweet little 6 year old boy who said that he thought something was going on because his older brother would lock him out of the bedroom and keep his sister in there. He told me he thought that maybe he was touching her privates. Now, I don't know if those words came because of the investagators questions or my questions or if he put those words together himself, but this little boy tells me everything. He follows me around, etc. etc. How come he didn't tell me that something wasn't right???
I know, I know, they weren't ready, or whatever, but I am so angry that I didn't see any signs. I am angry that she still loves him and isn't reacting the way I think she should!! I want to scratch his eyes out.
Yet, I keep having this really unsettling feeling that there is more to come out. Whether it was abuse done on my stepson as a little boy before he lived with me, or heaven forbid, some kind of abuse since he has lived with me and I just don't know about it.
I can't sleep, etc. etc. I am a zombie. but I want her to feel something!! I have a therapist that is going to try to work us in the next couple of days and then get us a permanent spot. I really like her. I am falling asleep while writing this, so maybe I can get some sleep, when I am exhausted enough I can finally sleep for a few hours without the visual movie playing in my head.
Thanks for all of your support. Stay strong
My problem is that my daughter seems just fine. No depression, no regression, doesn't like to talk about it, but is not withdrawn or angry or sad. Well, she is sad, she misses her brother. She asked me today if she could write him a letter. I am almost mad at her for not being mad, or angry, or scared etc. I asked her today if she had been scared the first time it happened, she doesn't remember when the first time was. I have pieced together that this has been going on approx 2 years, maybe even a little longer. I want to throw up everytime I think about it. I left for work a couple of hours before my husband came home and in that time, apparently he abused her.
I am also feeling anger towards my 13 year old daughter, she was really more involved in babysitting the little kids when I went to work ( my 8 year old and 6 year old) until her dad came home. But she is always in her own little world, seriously, very creative but very little common sense or awareness. Why didn't she tell me about the time she couldn't get into her brothers room so she went outside and looked in the window and saw that he had his little sister pinned behind the dresser? Or the other times she told the investigator about when she felt uneasy about something going on while I was gone to work????
I am even feeling mad at my sweet little 6 year old boy who said that he thought something was going on because his older brother would lock him out of the bedroom and keep his sister in there. He told me he thought that maybe he was touching her privates. Now, I don't know if those words came because of the investagators questions or my questions or if he put those words together himself, but this little boy tells me everything. He follows me around, etc. etc. How come he didn't tell me that something wasn't right???
I know, I know, they weren't ready, or whatever, but I am so angry that I didn't see any signs. I am angry that she still loves him and isn't reacting the way I think she should!! I want to scratch his eyes out.
Yet, I keep having this really unsettling feeling that there is more to come out. Whether it was abuse done on my stepson as a little boy before he lived with me, or heaven forbid, some kind of abuse since he has lived with me and I just don't know about it.
I can't sleep, etc. etc. I am a zombie. but I want her to feel something!! I have a therapist that is going to try to work us in the next couple of days and then get us a permanent spot. I really like her. I am falling asleep while writing this, so maybe I can get some sleep, when I am exhausted enough I can finally sleep for a few hours without the visual movie playing in my head.
Thanks for all of your support. Stay strong
My son has been doing great. He doesn't need therapy, isn't angry at his cousin and is starting to ask when he can hang out with him again. huh? It blows my mind.
Me - I'm a wreck. I can't stand to even hear my nephews name, I got my nephews school picture in the mail...I threw it away. I hate him for what he did to my son. I found out last June that the abuse was going on - I actually caught him in the act. I have to admit that it took every ounce of my strength to not grab our gun and shoot him. I had to leave the house and go to my Mom's. Scary. I don't think I can ever forgive him. Now I know this has to be worse because it is your own child that did this to your daughter.
All I can say is that we are blessed. I'm now at the point that I'm so grateful that my son has been so strong and steady. The therapist we went to talk to when we first found out told us that putting him therapy could do more harm than good because he was doing so well. My son knows that we are here for him and feels that support. He know that he can come to us with anything now and that we are here to protect him. I think your daughter is made out of the same mold. She knows you are here to protect her and she feels safe. Embrace it, don't question it anymore. Let it be and be grateful that we are one of the lucky one's whose children will hopefully not have a permanant effect from this.
So, short of it is, as much as I am not a believer of therapy, I am afraid to NOT get her some help. I wish I had some concrete answers. I found out today from my sons PO that he has admitted to at least 100 times of molestation. I am sick.
Shortly after a good touch/bad touch class at school my son disclosed when he was just barely 8 years old that his uncle was purposely touching his genitals through his clothing. From the information my 3 children gave, it had started out in an innocent game fashion with good ol' belly tickling that over the course of 2 years evolved into something not so innocent. My oldest son (then 12) confirmed that once he walked in on his uncle touching his youngest brother inappropriately. When I asked him why he never told us he said, "I thought you knew". My middle son was never witness to this, but claims that he was uncomfortable when his uncle touched him. On several occasions he said his uncle tucked his shirt (my son's shirt) in his pants to play the game.
In the beginning I believe that my son who disclosed felt somewhat liberated because he did the right thing, he knew he was protected and his uncle was stopped. He at least seemed to go about his normal routine. My other 2 sons however needed therapy as they felt extremely guilty for never saying anything. It wasn't until several months later that my youngest one's world seemed to crumble down around him. He missed his uncle and felt responsible for the estrangement of our extended family who are in denial. At one point he told me, "I wish I would have never told you what Uncle ***** did to me, I only made things worse". This just about killed me. Our therapist warned us in the beginning that this may happen, but boy it sure didn't make it any easier.
Our therapist worked more with me and my husband on how to talk with our children and answer their questions in the right way. It's been a long road of ups and downs.
It sounds as if you and your family are still in the early stages of disclosure. I won't lie, you will have waves of emotion like you have never seen before. Don't be alarmed if it takes your daughter longer to process her feelings, we're all different. For me it has taken almost 3 years to work through them, and I'm still a work in progress. But it will get better, you and your family will work towards a new normal.
HUGS and PRAYERS to you and your family.
Your small son may be speaking from experience, perhaps your perp preyed upon the two youngest.
It seems as though your 13did not speak of what she saw perhaps out of fear and terror. Maybe he threatened her. Who knows in the midst of this, he may have perped on her and she may still be too scared to tell....these are kids, some adults are still too scared to share what they have seen or been thru.
Huddle up, snuggle in love and heal together, consider all of yourselves victims until you have moved into survivorhood and know it awaits you....its a long and arduous road but you will get there together.
Go Mommy GO!
My youngest daughter still will not disclose what happened to her even though through her acting out we know she was abused. She is more traumatized by the shift in family than she is by the actual abuse. (she was about 2-3 at the time). My oldest (8 at the time, now 10) has gone through counselling but was actually too young/naive to fully understand the seriousness of it. We had not gotten into the very far into the "birds and bees" talk. As adults we understand what type of issues it can bring about when they are old enough for real relationships, but these kids don't have that knowledge yet. She didn't want him going to jail - she just wanted it to stop. After she told and knew she was safe, she had such a sense of relief and went on happier than ever. I was (and still am) the one holding on to such anger for what was done to our family.
As for your other kiddos, they may have thought you knew. Your 13-year old may not have wanted you to think she couldn't handle the responsibility of babysitting. They may not have wanted to believe it could actually be happening and didn't want to alarm you for "nothing". There are so many reasons. Please don't hold that against them. I'm sure they have their own guilty feelings for not protecting her now that it's all out in the open. It is a difficult road, even more so since the abuser is your son, but you CAN get through it. Don't try to take things one day at a time...take things one BREATH at a time. Just keep breathing. I'm praying for you and for your family. (((HUGS)))
My son, who had known at the time (his sister had actually told him way before) was really young, but it came out in a therapy session just this past year (almost 5 years later)! He had been holding it in all this time and was felt responsible and was so angry at himself. It was completely heartbreaking when this finally came out. Apparently, he had even asked his dad about it and his dad had told him his sister was making things up and he had believed his dad over his sister and intuition of weird things he had seen.
It took him all those years of feeling responsible and mad at himself before he was able to talk about it! I was devastated once again that he had been carrying that much guilt around with him!!!
I am just very glad that we had stayed in therapy all that time, even though the kids seemed to be doing so well. It took a long time for them to be able to trust and even heal enough from the abuse/disruption of family and routine etc. before they could start dealing with all the issues.