Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Only just found you guys.........I read a few posts and I cried and cried and cried and cried........every-thing you are saying relates to how I am feeling........my daughter disclosed 2 years ago, she was only 4 years old, it was her own biological father.... consistentently over a considerable period of time. We confronted him....panic shock disbeleif total breakdown....he dienied every-thing....however the police got a good statement from my daughter depite her tender age...It took 18 months to get to court and he was found not guilty. I had thought about 'it' every-day, and knew if the court went against us, I would nose dive. He got away with it. He said I had brain washed her into saying it....I felt completely violated all over again. Half the community believe him, half us. My daughter, now aged 6, kept asking "mummy why do they keep asking me questions? Do they think I am a liar?" I am so depressed I can hardly function. My daughter has lost all her confidence...she's hardly going to school despite play theorapy etc....I am getting counselling, and as much as I like my cousellor, it's not helping me.....I can't get over it, I can't move on....I still think about it every-day, the moment I open my eyes....I dread waking....I just want to sleep....I am on anti-deppressants....they help a bit, but not much....I drink too much...but that's just to block out the thoughts...it's no answer to happiness.
Please be aware that alcohol is a depressant, and can counter the benefits of antidepressants. If you have to choose between them, toss the alcohol. If tossing the alcohol is difficult, get to an AA meeting, and keep going. There you will find a LOT of people dealing with tragedies, and many of them are familiar with sexual abuse. It's truly anonymous.
My daughter didn't disclose until 14 years after she was raped by a neighbor. No evidence, no prosecution, no conviction. Compare and contrast: he maintains a prestigious position, with the respect of peers, equity in his home, probably a lot tucked away in savings, and no one knows who he really is (except for his own children, whom he also abused, along with my daughter). Meanwhile, my brilliant daughter's life has been full of secrecy, subsequent rapes, and addiction, and we are beyond broke from what it has cost us to help her repair her life and to restart our own. She's now doing better, and so are we. It's taken four years to get to this point.
EMDR, medication (for adults), meditation -- these three steps, taken over and over, helped us very much. Hopefulmama's comments above are right on, too. I'll bump up a couple of earlier posts about therapy and resources. I also got to that point with a therapist where I realized I was going nowhere. That was the time to change to a new therapist. It helped. It allowed me to retell my story and realize how much I had been through -- and how far I had already come. Also, please visit www.mosac.net.
Hopefulmama's comment about being on the couch today made me realize that if it weren't for my couch, many days I would have stayed in bed all day. Depression is unfortunately a normal part of being the parent of a survivor, but only if you believe your child. You are damned if you do, but the "damned if you don't" appears to damage a child and the parent-child relationship beyond repair. I am so glad you have believed and stood by your daughter. That's the MOST important thing you can do to begin and maintain the healing process.
Please keep writing. It helps!
We are all here with one thing in common we are a strong parent of a hurt child and each of us has that strength in different levels and formats we can help support and nurture each others strengths no matter how small they are to start with.
And please know that I do not judge you for drinking! This crime takes a horrible toll, and leads us places emotionally deeper than any we have ever known. I understand the desire to numb the pain. Many (all?) of us here have experienced the wish to die just to be released from this pain, it's so extraordinary and lingering. But your daughter needs YOU, and not numbed you. YOU are the mom she loves. Many hugs. You have all my (our!) support!!
I am utterly grateful that my daughter disclosed while so young, she didn't know any-thing was wrong so she just came out with it as a matter of fact......I did go into shock and denial for about a week, but I knew she was telling the truth, like you said, 4 year olds can't make that stuff up. Thank god I I faced it and stuck to my guns about following it through to court, even though the police warned me it was a long shot.....here in the Uk, the judge will always direct the jury that 'if there is any element of doubt you must find not guilty'. The statistics for getting convictions are appaullingly low. The misery of not being believed and branded a brain washing nutter has been almost too much to bare, but better that than what some of you guys have had to suffer, not knowing for years and it all falling apart.....Naive, the thought of that hideous abuser in his prestigious position makes me want to vomit.
Sounds like some of you guys have a more flexible schooling system over there.....we recently had changes to our education policy which made flexi-schooling virtually impossible...you are either in or out. I can't opt right out....I can't even get my daughter to do her homework, let alone home school her lol. Right, I must get up and face the day....the fight with my daughter to get up and go to school, then to work...thank god I am self employed so I don't have employers breathing down my neck.
THANK YOU GUYS XXXXXX
Naive made a great point, alcohol does negate an anti-depressant. For me, I wasn't able to turn myself around until I was medicated. So I hope you can find something that works for you! Take care of yourself and your baby girl!
This is the exact reason I'm not encouraging my daughter to go to the police I know how much pain not being believed causes so do not not her to go to the police and thought courts for a not guilty or not be believed due to lack of evidence or because she waited 14 years to tell anyone. Maybe that's wrong but why put her through that if I don't have to and because he's totally denying it she would have to face him about it and that would destroy her !
I wish she had disclosed at a time when there was evidence available.
For me his punishment is the loss of his wife marriage and planned future.
Xx