Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I was a member of this site as Momoftwins but since this website changed I haven't been able to log in with my email and password. I sent a message to get help with it but that's been a few months ago. So here I am - I started a new email and have a different log in name but at least I have access again!
My daughters were molested by their grandfather when they were about 8 or 9. Long story short he is now in jail.
Meanwhile, when my daughters came out and told me what happened I was dating someone. He was someone I knew from highschool. In fact, I considered it romantic that we found eachother again after all these years. I was so upset and had been dating him so I leaned on him for support. He was upset. He wanted to go hurt the grandpa. He talked about how sick that was etc. etc. So many family and friends were happy for us and we all genually felt he was the man for me. I felt like I had finally found the one I get to grow old with.
1 year later we moved in together. After dating for 2 1/2 years he asked me to marry him. He has 2 young daughters and all of our kids just loved eachother. Just after we got married I am sitting on the couch one day while my daughters are in their bedroom and the husband is in the bathroom. My daughter's phone lit up that it had a message so I looked at her phone. Come to find out it was a message from the husband. I smiled to myself wondering what kind thing did he send her. As soon as I read it my heart dropped into my stomach. He said "what if I touch something." I scrolled through her past messages (these were private messages on facebook) and noticed it was not the only innappropriate thing he sent to her. I was livid. I went into their bedroom and asked quietly about the messages. She said it had been going on since November (we were married in March). She told me she was afraid to say anything because she didn't know what to say and she didn't know what to think.
Anyways, I ended up having some words with him when he came out of the bathroom and kicked him out. I pushed divorce papers on him pretty quickly. Luckily he signed them because after he had been gone a few weeks both of my daughters came forward with more things that happened with him. He was coming into their room at night about 1 or 2 am. I will spare you all the details. It makes me sick to write them anyway. I did report it to DHS and the Sherriff's office. We are now in the part where we see if this goes to trial or if he will agree to a plea bargin.
We have moved because obvously I couldn't afford the place we had together anymore. My heart is broken. I feel horrible that I invited him back into my life to have him mess with my kids similar to the way their Grandfather did.
My daughters have been seeing a counselor since we heard about the grandpa incident. I have recently been seeing a counselor.
I can't relax and sleep at night. When I do fall asleep I have a hell of a time getting up and getting out of the house. I would rather stay in bed and hide. I would rather all 3 of us just stay away from other people. I don't feel safe. I wonder if my kids would be better off without me. Would they be safer? Why do people have to be this sick!!! ?
Thanks for letting me vent.
I have also wondered if my family would be better off without me. Even now, three-plus years after disclosure, some days I'm frustrated that I still to have to be alive, knowing how terribly my daughter was wounded and that I didn't even know. Whatever else I may achieve in life, I suspect this dark sense of failure will always be lurking in the background, ready to pull me down. Maybe it won't, but that's the way it still feels. Not every day feels this way, but many of them do.
So here's why, if for no other reason, your children would not, in actuality, be better off without you: they do not need any more trauma in their lives. They would be no safer without you, because you have learned in the hardest way just how manipulative abusers can be, and you are better prepared now to be very selective about which other adults you allow in your lives. And finally, you love your daughters the most, and know what they have endured. You are the best advocate they have as they go forward. Hang in there.
On top of that, years ago my oldest daughter tried telling me that her grandfather had touched her. She was too young and scared to get the right words out, and I was not asking the right questions. Again, how could I NOT KNOW what she was trying to tell me? If I had only been able to hear what she was trying to say, several other children would have been saved.
In my heart, I KNOW that I am a good mom. I didn't stop it because I didn't know. But when I found out, I called the police. The entire family hated me for doing it. And most still do.
YOU spoke up when your girls could not. YOU made sure those that hurt them, will never do it again. YOU are teaching your girls that they have voices and that they are safe to use them with you ANY TIME. YOU YOU YOU!
Ask yourself this, if you were not there, who would care for your girls? Who would raise them? Their father? How do you think he would do at raising them?
You are not a perfect mother. I am not and neither is any other mother on this board. You are a GREAT mother and their best teacher.
Sending you my love and support. Wish I could do more.