Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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DevastatedMother 12/30/2012

So after over a year, we found out that our nephew had molested my step-son (the perp). Funny how I've been telling EVERYONE that for the past year, but nobody wanted to look into it or believe it! The thing is, we found out because our nephew has been going to counseling and he admitted it. Step-son knows the nephew has admitted to it, but is saying he doesn't remember it happening. That really scares me because even the counselor said that he should remember something like that, so he is hiding things from us, and that makes me really wonder what else he is hiding. Our nephew admitted to oral and anal sex, multiple times. Now that really makes me think even more than before that when step-son said he rubbed up against my 8 year olds butt, that he was trying or did do even more. And in for those of you that don't remeber/or know, my 8 year old is a non-verbal autistic, so he will never tell. It just makes me sick, that if they all would have listened to me, from the beginning, we would have known all this sooner, and it may have prevented our nephew from molesting the kids that he did. If step-son was in the proper treatment from the beginning, maybe he would be on a much better road to healing. Instead, it has been one year, and we are pretty much just starting out. Step-son has now started counseling at the place he should have been going to from the beginning, with a counselor specially trained in helping kids with these problems. And though she is still trying to be sneaky sometimes, step-sons bio-mom is allowing my husband to be involved, and I guess the counselor wants to meet with me next. The next issue is that step-son will go back to court in February for the judge to get an update from the counseling. The counselor has said there are three differant things that could happen, the first two are just formal or informal probation, the 3rd thing, is that the charges could get dropped if the counselor feels that step-son is improving. And since step-son is expressing interest in joining the military when he is older, and he can't join if he has any sexual abuse on his records, I'm afraid everyone will feel sorry for him, and it will get dropped. But I guess I just have to keep faith that this counselor will know what he is doing, and obviously is step-son is not wanting to admit that he was molested, he is not improved.
All I know right now, is that I am so happy that I have stood my ground for this past year, and not let step-son around. I have fought and fought and been the bad guy, but I know now that I was right. He has deep issues, and has no reason to be around my boys. I knew we werent' getting the entire truth, and I was right. Even my husband is realizing that I've been right from day one. I knew someone had to have molested step-son for him to have done it to my boys. And I even suspected the nephew (since I knew he had been molested by his older brother also).
Thank you to all of you that have helped me through this. I know we still have a long road ahead of us, but alteast I know now that we are heading down the right road, and that me and my husband are in this together!

deleted_user 12/30/2012

I am also glad that you stood your ground. Mothers seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to this and so many other issues as well. You have done the right thing by keeping him away from your boys. Hopefully he gets the help and PUNISHMENT that he deserves. I really hope they just don't drop the charges because it sends the WRONG message to everyone about child sex abuse.

I also hope that something is done about the nephew. He is very sick and needs help and jail time. How old are these boys? Hang in there. I am glad that you have a supportive husband. Come here when you need support. Laura

deleted_user 12/30/2012

Wow your situation is parallel to mine. I believe I'm in the beginning stages. Found out last month out 6 yr old nephew has been molesting our 6 yr old son for 3 years and no one is trying to find the root of the problem with our nephew. His mom, my sil, hasn't put him in counseling... Nothing. Thank yoi for your post. Even though they found out a year later at least it is was revealed. I hope my husbands family looks into this further for my nephews sake since he's only 6. As a result of their lack of protection for our nephew we don't talk to them anymore. Your post gave me hope in my situation.

DevastatedMother 12/30/2012

Step son is 13, nephew is 14. My boys are 6 and 8. The nephew is getting help. He was in juvenile detention at first and now Lives with a grandparent so he is not around any kids. I'm also still scared that it will come out that he did something to my boys. It just seems like things come out little by little.

deleted_user 12/30/2012

Ya its always a fear of mine too. I have a 3 yr old boy who luckily still wears diapers so I'm pretty confident what happened to my 6 yr old didn't happen to my 3 yr old. However I'm pretty confident my 3 yr old witnessed it at some point considering its duration. Ya at 13 and 14 they definitely know better and should be held responsible. With my situation I feel soo incredibly bad for my nephew because no one is getting him the help he needs. It's like no one cares. And unfortunately there's nothing more we can do about it. (We already called cps 3 times)

DevastatedMother 05/07/2013

I read my this post and I find it amazing that at the point in writing it I actually believed my husband was by my side. I mean we are still together but we still do not see things the same way. We had a fight a couple weeks ago and he actually told me that he knows for a fact that stepson will never re offend because my husband "did things" with his friends when he was stepsons age! It makes me sick for one, but it also pisses me off thatmy husband would ever compare the two. Stepson taught my 4 year old son to give oral sex, then performed it on my son and bit his penis so hard it left a sore. Then he went after my nonverbal autistic son. And I guess I'm just supposed to forgive stepson and move on with our lives. Everything is in mg hands now. I met with step sons counselor a few months back and basically I either agree to start taking the steps to lettinghim back in our lives or stepson will have completed his therapy. I told the ccounselor then that I didn't feel it was right to make my boys be around stepson. He made some good points about how it would all be supervised and stepson would still be held accountable through lie detectors and blah blah blah. But these aremy babies aand I just don't feel right about it.
So my question to all of you is would you ever even consider letting the perp around your child? Even if you knew it was 100% safe and you would be there at all times? Am I failing my children for even considering letting him into our lives, am I giving up. I know I don't want to do this, but I have everybody telling me it is the right thing to do. The counselors, prosecutor, judge, husband, in-laws, even some friends are all telling me that this is our next step. It would be gradual. Lots of family therapy first, then stepson would write son a letter, the the face to face where stepson apologizes, then eventually a few hours a week he would be allowed in our home. There will be a safety plan set up, lots of rules, and never an overnight. It sounds so simple, but makes me sick to even think about. I'm torn. Please help.

Bandmom5 05/07/2013

I'm so sorry you are in this position. I have never had to go thru this since my sons' abusers weren't in our family, but my gut feeling is that your sons' counselors should have a say whether they think they are ready. Have they been evaluated at a child advocacy center? If not, if you do an internet search of "child advocacy center, your town, state" the ones near you should come up and you can check them out and contact them. They have professionals who are experienced in evaluating and working with abused children, and their opinions are the ones I would consider most credible. That is such a tough decision to make, I would have a very difficult time with it without some unbiased skilled professionals giving me advice. Best of luck and prayers to you and your family...

deleted_user 05/07/2013

Although I would listen to what the counselor had to say I would still go with what my gut told me and if my mother gut says no way then that kid wouldn't come within 50 miles of my kids!! Your husband is sending up a big red flag by saying that he doesn't believe that his son is a threat because he messed around with his friends as a teenager. This is inappropriate behavior if you ask me. Has he had some counseling? He needs it because he is clueless about what sexual abuse does to someone.

Reunification would never be on my radar because I know that it can happen again no matter what anybody says. If it makes you sick to think about it then that is your mother's instinct telling you to keep your kids away from him.

As you might recall we kicked out adult son out of our lives when we found out what he had done to his little sister when she was 4 and he was 12. The damage is done. My son will always be a threat to my daughter in some way. It has been over 40 yrs since I was raped by my cousin and although I have worked thru my trauma I would never want to be in the same city as that sicko. And yes, I have forgiven him and moved on but that doesn't mean I have any sort of relationship with him again. And I am an adult - your boys are still children. Stick to your guns and if you feel strongly about it don't allow him anywhere near you or your sons!! and it shouldn't matter if you are the only one who feels this way. You are their mother and a hero!

Just my opinion. Laura

deleted_user 05/07/2013

And I would like to add that it isn't the counselor's kids who will be around your step-son. I wonder how they would feel if it were their child? I would doubt anyone who told me that they could guarantee a 100% about anything. No one can know for sure what that kid will do. Ask yourself this question- Why should my child have to look into the eyes of the person who has hurt them so deeply? If this kid weren't family you would never have to see him again. Once he touched your sons he stopped being family.

janicesue 05/08/2013

I am so sorry you are put in this position. It seems like the victims' rights are being pushed aside in favor of "family reunification". The fact that your husband compares what happened to your boys to what he and his friends did indicates that he either isn't wanting to see the truth or what happened to him was molestation by much older perps. Either way he is in denial, which means he can't be a good protector.
The age difference between your stepson and your sons, and the fact that your autistic son doesn't speak makes the abuse much more severe. It wasn't mutual "exploration". The power differential was huge. If stepson had committed this crime against a much younger non-family member, would there be a push to let him be in the victim's home?

I don't understand the value (to your children, the innocent victims) of letting him back in. My son (at age 20) chose to confront his father (the perp) on his own terms, in my presence at a neutral location on one occasion. He chose it because he was ready to confront, and he felt stronger for doing it. After that he does not choose to see his father, never wants to have him be in our home and does not want him know where he is attending college or have any information about his life. My son can easily protect himself and isn't afraid, he just has no desire for a relationship with someone who molested him when he was little, and I support him.

I think your instinct is right, and it sends the wrong message to let stepson be in your home. Maybe at some point in the future have him apologize, but only when and if your sons want it, not when he wants to. This should be about the victims rights, not the perpetrator's rights, and you are the one who is standing up for them. For your stepson, there is value in learning that there are things that once broken, cannot be mended, no matter how much he wants it. He can never give back to your sons (or you) what he took.

Peace, Janice

DevastatedMother 05/08/2013

So the perp had court this morning. He was charged with sexual battery and with a plea bargain he was ordered to complete a class through his counseling center for children that offend. His next court date is in a year and if he completes everything and doesn't get into any trouble the charges will be dropped to only battery so that it will not haunt him the rest of his life. He wants to join the military after high school and with a sexual battery charge on his juvenile record he wouldn't be able too. Not sure how I feel about this.
So our next step is to get our kids back into counseling to see how they even feel about the perp being around us again. I guess I will go ahead with this step for now because it will keep the perp in reg. Counseling plus it can't hurt my kids to be in counseling.
I had a talk with my husband after court and he says he is not pressuring me into letting the perp back around.He thinks we should let him if my kids are OK with it. I have to go now, will try to write more later.

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