Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
So after over a year, we found out that our nephew had molested my step-son (the perp). Funny how I've been telling EVERYONE that for the past year, but nobody wanted to look into it or believe it! The thing is, we found out because our nephew has been going to counseling and he admitted it. Step-son knows the nephew has admitted to it, but is saying he doesn't remember it happening. That really scares me because even the counselor said that he should remember something like that, so he is hiding things from us, and that makes me really wonder what else he is hiding. Our nephew admitted to oral and anal sex, multiple times. Now that really makes me think even more than before that when step-son said he rubbed up against my 8 year olds butt, that he was trying or did do even more. And in for those of you that don't remeber/or know, my 8 year old is a non-verbal autistic, so he will never tell. It just makes me sick, that if they all would have listened to me, from the beginning, we would have known all this sooner, and it may have prevented our nephew from molesting the kids that he did. If step-son was in the proper treatment from the beginning, maybe he would be on a much better road to healing. Instead, it has been one year, and we are pretty much just starting out. Step-son has now started counseling at the place he should have been going to from the beginning, with a counselor specially trained in helping kids with these problems. And though she is still trying to be sneaky sometimes, step-sons bio-mom is allowing my husband to be involved, and I guess the counselor wants to meet with me next. The next issue is that step-son will go back to court in February for the judge to get an update from the counseling. The counselor has said there are three differant things that could happen, the first two are just formal or informal probation, the 3rd thing, is that the charges could get dropped if the counselor feels that step-son is improving. And since step-son is expressing interest in joining the military when he is older, and he can't join if he has any sexual abuse on his records, I'm afraid everyone will feel sorry for him, and it will get dropped. But I guess I just have to keep faith that this counselor will know what he is doing, and obviously is step-son is not wanting to admit that he was molested, he is not improved.
All I know right now, is that I am so happy that I have stood my ground for this past year, and not let step-son around. I have fought and fought and been the bad guy, but I know now that I was right. He has deep issues, and has no reason to be around my boys. I knew we werent' getting the entire truth, and I was right. Even my husband is realizing that I've been right from day one. I knew someone had to have molested step-son for him to have done it to my boys. And I even suspected the nephew (since I knew he had been molested by his older brother also).
Thank you to all of you that have helped me through this. I know we still have a long road ahead of us, but alteast I know now that we are heading down the right road, and that me and my husband are in this together!
All I know right now, is that I am so happy that I have stood my ground for this past year, and not let step-son around. I have fought and fought and been the bad guy, but I know now that I was right. He has deep issues, and has no reason to be around my boys. I knew we werent' getting the entire truth, and I was right. Even my husband is realizing that I've been right from day one. I knew someone had to have molested step-son for him to have done it to my boys. And I even suspected the nephew (since I knew he had been molested by his older brother also).
Thank you to all of you that have helped me through this. I know we still have a long road ahead of us, but alteast I know now that we are heading down the right road, and that me and my husband are in this together!
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
I also hope that something is done about the nephew. He is very sick and needs help and jail time. How old are these boys? Hang in there. I am glad that you have a supportive husband. Come here when you need support. Laura
So my question to all of you is would you ever even consider letting the perp around your child? Even if you knew it was 100% safe and you would be there at all times? Am I failing my children for even considering letting him into our lives, am I giving up. I know I don't want to do this, but I have everybody telling me it is the right thing to do. The counselors, prosecutor, judge, husband, in-laws, even some friends are all telling me that this is our next step. It would be gradual. Lots of family therapy first, then stepson would write son a letter, the the face to face where stepson apologizes, then eventually a few hours a week he would be allowed in our home. There will be a safety plan set up, lots of rules, and never an overnight. It sounds so simple, but makes me sick to even think about. I'm torn. Please help.
Reunification would never be on my radar because I know that it can happen again no matter what anybody says. If it makes you sick to think about it then that is your mother's instinct telling you to keep your kids away from him.
As you might recall we kicked out adult son out of our lives when we found out what he had done to his little sister when she was 4 and he was 12. The damage is done. My son will always be a threat to my daughter in some way. It has been over 40 yrs since I was raped by my cousin and although I have worked thru my trauma I would never want to be in the same city as that sicko. And yes, I have forgiven him and moved on but that doesn't mean I have any sort of relationship with him again. And I am an adult - your boys are still children. Stick to your guns and if you feel strongly about it don't allow him anywhere near you or your sons!! and it shouldn't matter if you are the only one who feels this way. You are their mother and a hero!
Just my opinion. Laura
The age difference between your stepson and your sons, and the fact that your autistic son doesn't speak makes the abuse much more severe. It wasn't mutual "exploration". The power differential was huge. If stepson had committed this crime against a much younger non-family member, would there be a push to let him be in the victim's home?
I don't understand the value (to your children, the innocent victims) of letting him back in. My son (at age 20) chose to confront his father (the perp) on his own terms, in my presence at a neutral location on one occasion. He chose it because he was ready to confront, and he felt stronger for doing it. After that he does not choose to see his father, never wants to have him be in our home and does not want him know where he is attending college or have any information about his life. My son can easily protect himself and isn't afraid, he just has no desire for a relationship with someone who molested him when he was little, and I support him.
I think your instinct is right, and it sends the wrong message to let stepson be in your home. Maybe at some point in the future have him apologize, but only when and if your sons want it, not when he wants to. This should be about the victims rights, not the perpetrator's rights, and you are the one who is standing up for them. For your stepson, there is value in learning that there are things that once broken, cannot be mended, no matter how much he wants it. He can never give back to your sons (or you) what he took.
Peace, Janice
So our next step is to get our kids back into counseling to see how they even feel about the perp being around us again. I guess I will go ahead with this step for now because it will keep the perp in reg. Counseling plus it can't hurt my kids to be in counseling.
I had a talk with my husband after court and he says he is not pressuring me into letting the perp back around.He thinks we should let him if my kids are OK with it. I have to go now, will try to write more later.