Forgiveness has been a hard one with me. I've been told ALOT lately I need to forgive and I'll be so much more healed. I pray for help to forgive, I pray for the perps to find Jesus and live by his ways, I pray for the other children in that home (that also abused my children) I pray for my enemies each and everyday and hope with these prayers the forgive will come. I'm still in the Shock of the SARAH model...people can't believe I'm not angry yet...I go from shock to despair and nothing in between.

I'm going to definately buy this book! I know many that can use it :) And, I love Charles Stanley! Another great one, that helped me in the beginning was "the source of my strength"

Thanks for everyone being here. It's just so wonderful to come and no I'm not alone. I've lost alot of friends because of all of this and because I'm such a wreck, honestly, I don't want to be around myself some days!

MomnmaKL and all others here struggling with forgiveness. First, let me say it is NORMAL to be angry.., I know you know this but this is part of your survival, too. Anger, keeps us from depression. The obsession keeps us from the anger.. and so on. Each emotion serves to protect us from a lower energy emotion. I know it is so hard.. and yes MommaKL I understand that you are saying for your own health you need this. I don't know if it is possible, but can you get away for a weekend with friends, family girls or someone. Remove yourself from the constant reminders...I don't know if it is possible but this helped me at least momentarily. Of course, I had to come back to it all and when it rains it pours, I think it is a law of life. Nonetheless, sometimes a retreat away just to fill up your emotional tank a little helps.. Even if you can go somewhere by yourself just for a day and take a journal a write, cry or scream at the world with no one else around. I wrote a lot of my anger feelings in my journal, I was obsessing constantly.. I also, took every picture of my ex who was the perp, and burned them or ripped them up. ( I missed one album and that is another story, my daughter burned those.). In any case, there was something very releasing about this. My anger slowly subsided. However, the difference for me was my ex is dead, he committed suicide. So I don't have to see him ever again. I have no contact with his family whatsoever. I knew breaking all ties was necessary for my family's healing. Again, your situation is different, but don't feel guilty because you have lost your extended family. Rejoice in that you eliminated those people from your life. If they are not supportive to your healing and your child's healing, they should not be part of your life. IT amazes me how convuluted life has become because of some sick individuals' behavior. One person can destroy so many lives, this is evil..bottom line.. We don't attempt to mingle with it, we steer clear of it..These are tough lessons, but don't
put so much pressure on yourself to forgive..it will come in time...Perhaps, trying a visualization techique where the perp just vaporizes and all the emotions you have tied to him vaporizes. Start with seeing him in your minds eye and you can visualize telling him what you feel or doing to him whatever you want..then poof he is gone.. just some ideas... I also recommend Bellaruth Naperstack CD's you can google her. She has tremendous visualization CDs for trauma, grief and forgiveness and many more. I used them a good bit to try and release the anger and hurt.. They helped a great deal... I wish you luck and send you hugs in this very difficult time. I am sorry you are going through all of this...J

PS I am sure you have anger towards your husband because he is not sharing is anger. In the family systems model of therapy, there is always one person who displays most of the emotion for the entire family. In your case, you are expressing anger for everyone. If he can get in touch with his emotions more, this might help. HOWEVER, I encourage you not to focus on him, but focus on you...Rightfully so, you should be angry, but so should he..He has a lot more work to do than you do... Sorry I am opinionated on this stuff but I lived through much of this. Hugs honey

Amaltr I will have to check out that book too. I love to read, especially if it helps me. Sorry your friends jumped ship. Some ppl can't handle it. The person I thought was my best friend was ok in the beginning but prob b/c i was obsessed with it at first, stopped calling altogether. If I do talk to her now, she never asks about it. Then there are the ppl that i didn't even think would be supportive are the most awesome.

Thank you Merryle. I appreciate all the advise. I think I will stop trying to force myself to forgive. I have counseling tomorrow and I have to tell her I got to chapter 6 in my book and it says not to go any further til you forgive everyone you are angry with. Soooooo I'm stuck on 6.

My husband is not as far as I am, you are right. I asked him not to share any of his homework unless in counseling and she asks. I need to let him process it himself. He has afterall lost his family pretty much and then has the guilt and shame that it is his father. Men are different that's for sure.

Did your husband kill himself because of the disclosure? Prob not nice to say but i dreamed my FIL would do that. Such an admission of guilt when they do .that I hope he wrote a letter and apologized to your daughter. They never have remorse..I think they are all sociapaths.

I am going to check out the cd you reccomended.
Thank you.

MommakL..hugs again.. I know this is all so hard. Actually, my exhusband killed himself, two weeks before his sentencing. My case was very strong and he was looking at 20 years. He wrote letters but not any apologies. He wrote a letter to each one of his other children, stating basically I ruined his life and made up lies. Then he wrote a letter to me saying the same thing that I ruined his life and might as well committed murder myself. Of course, I got attacks from his other children telling me what a murderer I was that I killed a good man.. Not once, NOT ONCE, has anybody offered support to my daughter who was molested for years at his hand. So yes, he killed himself because he was a coward and guilty. His family has memoralized him, even friends he hung out with (stupid ones) had tattoos put on their bodies in memory of him. I was insane with anger, cause no one cared about the victim. Isn't it the pattern here. The victim gets victimized more, while people feel sorry for the perp. SO when he committed suicide, I was relieved. My daughter smiles with relief, for she lived in fear that if he didnt go to jail, due to some loophole, or got off on an easier sentence, he would be back to get her. I think it is absolutely fine to wish these people dead. They cannot be rehabilitated. They recommit their crimes. The fact that he is gone, means no more victims at his hands. Everyone thinks we all should have an equal chance at life..well that is true, but when evil is committed especially towards a child, this is a game changer. These perps are sick, they can't change... I truly believe my ex didn't want to be that way, I never saw it. He talked about how terrible it was that people did this to children.. He always presented himself in a compassionate way. He was definitely sociopathic. He couldn't stop himself.. My daughter, still doesn't talk a lot about it with me.. She has shared very pertinent stuff..but we are all glad he is gone. To your point, it was closure and I probably would be in a different place if he was still alive. I am angry because I never got to tell him how bad he hurt us, my family was damaged for ever. But the alternative is better, I know he will never hurt another child again. (didn't mean to give so much of my story here)
Forgiveness is a very profound awareness...it comes in time. Remember there is no straight trajectory to healing, is is more like a spiral, or forward and back..we move a step forward, and two back..or we circle around and then move forward..IT all takes time.. but important to focus on self nurturance and don't punish yourself or beat yourself up..This part is very difficult...again, journal ( i know the work book is helping) but sometimes free association of anger can really get stuff out...cathartic effect. It doesn't hurt anyone but help you.. Love and hugs to you...

I think we should just drop the word "Forgiveness" from this site completely. You can't forgive the unforgiveable. What we need to do, though, is let go of our (totally unproductive) anger. Keep your sense of justice and your concern for the all the other little kids (get them behind bars if you can!) and make sure your children are conscious that there is a lot of evil in the world- it is never going to be a perfect world- that will help keep them safe.

But staying angry about it hurts no one but you, and those around you. When you're angry, as we know, you can't think about anything else. And we need to concentrate all our energy on keeping our children safe and well, and helping them enjoy the life they have and strive for better.

The anger is still in me, and it is always going to be there- but it doesn't consume me all the time like it did. Though, with my daughter having refused counselling when she disclosed over 18 months ago, I know we have a long road still to travel.

I'm afraid, having mourned other losses in my life, I don't believe in the SARAH stuff, not as stages anyway. They are aspects to grief, and they don't follow each other (excepting that everything else follows on from shock, and that can last a very long time) I have good days and bad days- I have NO DAYS where I don't think about what has happened to my daughter ( and I can't see that changing any time soon).

Counselling has helped me a lot, and will continue to do so. But I know there isn't a timetable for this. And maybe you're not ready to release your anger yet. Maybe just concentrate on giving yourself a rest from it sometimes. And think about keeping it firmly directed at the perpetrator, and not letting it spill around too much (which is hard to do!)

I know I keep talking about it, but learning meditation has helped me so much - for me also, the Buddhist philosopy- because it is all about recognising the fact we live in an imperfect world, and developing tools to survive it. You don't have to become Buddhist, but I find even reading about it calms me somehow. "Buddhism for Mothers" is a really good one- one of the best mothering books I have ever read.


Have you thought of the possibility that your husband himself may have been abused? At a bare minimum, sounds like he is not in touch with his feelings about this at all- which is not uncommon in men.

Love to you, and wishes for peace for you and your family

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH CARAMEL33 . FINALLY ! I just can't imagine in a million years forgiving the man you sexually assaulted my son when he was a little boy and caused such pain to my entire family for the past 13 years. It's just insane. At some point I will release the NEGATIVE ENERGY, that I hold inside me. But I'm not ready yet. That will come in time, and natually.

I am starting to see alittle improvement in my son after two weeks at Princeton House. He comes home everyday and tells me something he's learned during the group sessions. But never about the sexual assault. I hold my breath everyday hoping he doesn't revert back to the drugs, suicide attempts etc. He has been doing well, so I cross my fingers and hold my breath. But even taking the energy to put that S.O.B. back into my life and work at forgiving him is just plain crazy. I will work on getting my son well, and getting rid of MY anger.
I also think we need to drop the word forgiveness. It hurts me to even hear that word.

Some may not agree with my answer...I have not forgiven (and I'm not sure I ever will) and I do not believe I have too. My BIL has never shown any remorse and still denies the abuse. That being said I have finally reached a stage in my healing that the abuse does not consume my days with anger and hurt and for now that is a good thing.