The ? is Are you ready to forgive?? Im not even close to forgiving my nephew. If you do forgive will you have contact with him? How old is your daughter now and how was she when he abused her???

I'm not sure if I am ready. I know I am ready to release this anger. It is effecting my marriage and my children and I believe my health.

No I don't have to have any contact with him. It's just something that she wants me to do for myself. She gave me a three page outline on steps and scriptures. It's not to condone what he did or say it didn't matter, it's just to stop dwelling on it and walking around so angry. We'll see how it goes as i do the steps.

My daughter is now 25. He abused her from age 7-12 that we know of now. She just disclosed this october. My father in law completely denies and says she just has her memories mixed up that he is a Christian man and would never harm a child.

Now that she has disclosed she has the light back in her eyes. She is trying really hard to stay sober. Drugs were her way of stuffing the feelings. It is like a weight has been lifted off of here. She came forward because there are 4 other grandchildren (including two of mine) that he has had access to for years. We are praying that he didn't touch any of the others. Sad fact is that once an abuser, they just don't stop.

I have to start somewhere....ughh....right now I would rather smack him upside the head and tell everyone at his church...haha maybe I am not quite ready.

Juliana how long since you found out??? What stage are you in? SARAH shock, anger, resistence, acceptence and hope....

MommaKL, have you told your pastor about the abuse? Does the perp go to your church? If so, I was just thinking that it might be a way to get the message to someone about the risk to the other grandchildren who may be able to help somehow. That probably sounds weird coming from me when we told our pastor and she turned it something we are ruining the end of her ministry with. But I am confident she is in the minority of clergy who would even think that way.

Anyway, getting to the whole forgiveness thing, I found that I was obsessing about the abuse and hours would go by without me realizing it while I constantly thought about what happened, and thought what if I would have done this or that which would have made me aware of it so I could have prevented it, and I was online all the time looking things up, and I worried and fretted constantly about what would happen to my kids, how would they be affected in the future, was something not evident now going to come out later, etc, etc, etc. It took so much time and energy, and I wasn't sleeping much, plus there were other serious things going on in my family and I was neglecting chores, errands, important paperwork, etc.

So I decided I had to really start thinking about and researching forgiveness. I came to the conclusion that my forgiveness of the perp only had to be between me and God, and the perp didn't have to know. It was really a matter of me trusting that the perp would be held accountable one way or another, and that was sufficient. I had to move forward to do things for me and my family that needed to be done, and do everything I could to help my kids know that things were going to be ok. I had to give myself permission to forgive him, but I still feel he committed a crime, may still have the potential of reoffending, must be held accountable, and punished accordingly. I do feel quite a bit of relief and release from it all. Unfortunately I haven't gotten to that same place with the ex-friend/witness who wouldn't cooperate with police and who betrayed us in other ways.

I think Juliana had a good point. I personally am just over 2 years since my daughter disclosed. She was 7-8 at the time and is now 11. My youngest, now 6, will not disclose, but we are pretty sure from her behaviors that something happened to her as well. Although I want to release the anger and stop dwelling on it as much, I am not ready to forgive. I don't know that I will EVER be able to forgive him for the HELL he has put us through and what he has taken from my family. I don't dwell on it quite as much as I did at first, but it's something that is always there. I pray for the day he breaks his probation and is sent to prison where he belongs. I find myself teetering between depression and acceptance. I think that even if I don't forgive him, if I can just get past a lot of the anger, I would be able to move on to the hope. I would love to hear how well this new assignment is working for you. Please keep us updated! Until then, (((HUGS))) and prayers sent your way.

I completely agree with bandmom5!!!!! I too became obsessed wit what my stepson did to my five year old daughter! I wasn't able to concentrate on everyday tasks, almost to the point where I was gonna seek out medical help and get a low dosage anti depressant. Until.........I started to research forgiveness. What I learned is that forgiveness is not about the perp. Its about me and God! I will never forgive him for his actions, but I will forgive the having to accept the abuse. I bless the perp on his path of life, but I understand that God will be his judge. Not me. I choose to no longer allow him to have that tortuous power over me where I can't even remember to brush my teeth, or laugh with my daughter. What I can do is accept what has happened and empower myself and my daughter to NEVER allow this to happen again. I have not told any of this to the perp and not too sure I ever will. But I do tell God that I believe in him and trust him. I bless the perp on his path of life but HE WILL NEVER BE PART OF OURS AGAIN!!!

My daughter told me on april 9th so we are all new at this! I am still so angry and this has consumed my life! Sometimes I feel bad that my nephew cries for me and feels bad about what he did. But, then I get angry again and feel hatred for what he did to my baby.

Momma thank you for referring girl thrive.com to me!! :)

Bandmom I haven't told the pastor, I go to a huge church and have never met him face to face. I did email him that we need a parent support group for sexual abuse. Hoping he takes on that important ministry. We have divorce, cancer, aids, etc.. groups. I think they would be shocked at how many in that large church that are dealing with this. I know you have had a bad experience with your pastor. I hope you find a new church home that supports you.

I can so relate to the obsessing and the neglecting chores, as I sit here on the site instead cleaning those dishes in the sink, haha. As time goes on I am getting back to somewhat of a normal functioning life.

Forgiving is hard. It is totally not necc to tell the perp, i never will utter those words to him. I think when my counselor says 'forgive' she means let go of the anger and turn it over to God. He will get punished one day.

Broken...I'll let you know...for some odd reason I haven't even started it yet. Hmmmmmmm guess I should at least read it. I know my counselor has the best intentions and I do trust her and the process. Guess i will check it out. Has to better then the anger I feel and wanting revenge.

Hontess that is awesome. I hope to be where you are soon. I'm tired of missing out on laughing because I can't get it out of my mind. Keep up the great work.

Juliana you are welcome. I read the book and then visited the site and it really opened my eyes about so many things and how this effects our kids. I'm encouraging my daughter to go on the site and communicate with other girls that have been abused. Awesome source for teenagers. The lady that runs it really cares, you can tell with her responses to the girls.

Good luck with your nephew and the anger. I totally understand. Hopefully they will figure out if he was abused and get him help as well.

mommaKL - even though we are closer to the event (just happened in March) than you are, I am in this spot as well. I am tired of this *thing* owning my life and my interactions with everyone.

Just curious - is the ministry that you emailed your pastor something that you could consider taking on or helping with? I found out in one of our sessions that our local rape crisis center is hoping to have a parent-led group at some point, and I think that's something that I'm going to pursue. I feel like I need to 'do' something - if that makes sense?

Anywho - I hope that you are able to hit that point of forgiveness. HUGS

No i haven't forgiven yet, it's been a little over 3 months. i'm realizing i don't forgive myself, i don't forgive him, and i am a ticking time bomb, i try to hold it for my children, but i'm tired and don't know how to heal.....so i'm at a stand still.....i know it's not good for me and i hear it's not my fault....but it's hard

Spitfire I would definitely help with it. I don't think I could lead it but would love to be involved and help get it started. I am going to call if I don't get an email back and write it on my comment card every week, maybe in different hand writing so they will think it's a lot of parents, haha. I guess that would be wrong in church.

I typed up the forgivenss homework today so I would have it in my computer. I just don't think I can start it yet. I was looking at old pictures of my youngest and they used to look so happy. I am worried that he has done something to one of them. I am going to ask my counselor in couples counseling tomorrow why should I start the process if I may have to do it all over again.

Encourage you are not in the place to probably even consider it. YOU need to forgive but not the perp. YOu need to forgive yourself most importantly. You didn't do this. You had no idea. You would of protected your child had you known. Forgiving ourselves is much much more important to me than the perp.

We will get there...somehow, some day. One day at a time, I keep telling myself that every day.

With everyone talking about forgiveness-the nephews that molested my daughter for 12 years right in my house have asked for forgiveness. They think now that our family is suppose to get together as in the past. They don't understand, yes I can forgive you, but I will not hang around or allow my daughter to be in their presence. Things will never be the same. My daughter is my focus-her healing is my focus. Even though this is a lonely road, I must think of her health. My family has been told that we have over exaggerated and look at us as causing the division that naturally occurs in these situations between families. My mother, our daughter's grandmother has become extra friendly with the perps -her grandsons-which makes things harder. We could not dislose the situation to our pastor because one of the perps goes to the same church. We have tried to not damage the family image. Crazy, isn't it? We have actually shown mercy to my sister and brother's sons, but do not associate with any of them now. We wave and say Hi but that is it. It has been almost two years of this. It is a lonely road but I am so glad to have connected to this site for a connection to others that have had the same pain and are working towards healing.

Peace that would be so hard to live right by them all. I am not sure how so many on this site find the strength to do that. We live 1 hour from my inlaws and I avoid their side of town like the plague. It is such a shame that family members so often side with the perps and not the victim that was brave enough to disclose. I know you are so proud of your daughter and she is lucky to have you.
It would be very difficult for her to be around the perps. Good job keeping them away. It's hard to heal when you have to see the person or persons that molested you.
I pray he is not around children at the church. I hope they are getting them help with counseling as well.
Welcome to our group, awesome place to vent and get advise.
Hugs to you.