Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I dont understand? WHY
If it's too difficult to share more at the moment, please at least visit: www.mosac.net. You will read a description of your indescribable feelings, and, I hope, begin to believe that you, too, can be a survivor. Hugs.
I'm glad you're in counseling. Btw, are your children very young, or a bit older? If, indeed, they are "mentally fine," then you've found effective therapy for them, but it sounds as if your own therapist may not be catching or treating all of YOUR stress indicators. Many parents here have tried and found success with a therapeutic approach called EMDR. I've only done this in three sessions, and found it helped enormously with whatever was completely undoing me at the moment -- and as we all discover, getting through this is a moment-to-moment journey.
More in a minute...my dog is begging for attention!
Let's look for a moment at the "evidence" part you are missing. Fact: more than 96% of disclosures are found to be true. Kids do not volunteer this kind of information without its being based on truth. Here are some stats your solicitor can use:
http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/res/csa_myths.html
So, instead of being dismissive about the "lack" of evidence, your court should rest assured that disclosure alone is quite solid evidence in itself.
And now to acceptance. There's acceptance, and then there's acceptance. Clearly you have accepted the truth your children have shared with you, and that demonstrates your fitness as a parent, because you have responded appropriately to protect them. That is the MOST important form of acceptance in this situation.
Then there's acceptance of the idea that you could know someone who could do this. I'm so glad for the sake of your children that THIS is the more complicated form of acceptance, because it still demonstrates that you would do anything to protect them....had you known. And how could you have known? This is a crime that absolutely depends upon subterfuge and manipulation in order to succeed -- appearing to be "a good guy," "loving" to spend time with kids, making you feel like you're his best friend in order to win your trust. Every single one of us parents (and there have been over a thousand members of this forum over the past six years, I think, since it was formed) have discovered that it is 100% possible to know-and-yet-not-know someone who could do this to children -- our own, precious, priceless children whose hearts and minds we had hoped to fill only with joy and love. Our worlds have all flipped 180 degrees at the discovery that we had been deceived into bringing our children into contact with people who hurt them, who damaged them, and who convinced them not to tell. The guilt is inestimable, but it is also misplaced, because it belongs solely to the abuser/s.
This leads to a third issue of acceptance: acceptance of our powerlessness as human beings to protect our children at all times. Abusers look for the opportunities normal people wouldn't notice, and take advantage of them for their own desperate power grab. You are a "normal people," and your children need every bit of exposure to "normal" and reasonable that you can provide. That's why you need to put your needs right up there with those of your children, to model self-care and how to fight adversity with gratitude -- how to stop leaning on yourself with all your might, because that makes it impossible to move forward.
I will bump up my post on finding a therapist of your own, for suggestions you may have yet to consider.
YOU ARE LOVED!!
http://www.emdr-therapy.com/emdr.html
From your terminology, I suspect you're in the UK, New Zealand or Australia. Here's a link to info for Australia:
http://emdraa.org/?page_id=1134
Here's info for NZ:
http://www.emdr.org.nz/
And here's for the UK:
http://www.emdr-europe.org/info.asp?CategoryID=41
EMDR is a "new" therapy, but it's been studied extensively and is generally successful in helping with trauma. YOU have been traumatized -- many of us believe that we parents suffer a secondary form of post-traumatic stress, complete with triggers, flashbacks, irrational-seeming fears, and all kinds of somatic symptoms.
I'm curious about your previous history with antidepressants. Were you depressed before you took them? Do you recall what led to your depression?
You're facing multiple sources of major depression at once, and you need help. Your children need you, full stop.
I can't urge you more strongly to focus as much as possible on your own mental health. If you have a history of depression (as I did, too) before discovering that your children have been sexually abused, that spiraling path downward is already present in your brain and a shock like this will be more than enough to push you down.
This doesn't mean, of course, that you neglect your children's needs, only that you put your own on a par with theirs. This is how you'll find your way back. Coming here was a good step, because it shows that you're looking for support. Continue with therapy and investigate both an EMDR specialist in your area, and a non-addictive sleep med that really works for you. Ambien is addictive, and Xanax is addictive -- you don't want to go there. Go for a walk when you're stressed, learn deep breathing and mindful meditation strategies to help you calm down and remember that it's still possible to find moments of calm.