Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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annholly 05/04/2012

Its been prob over 8 months since I posted on here. This support group got me through a horrific time. I still see some familiar names. My two daughters were molested by my father in law from a young age until 11. The abuse came out two years ago and I confronted him and he killed himself. We all went to counseling, but the pain never goes away. I thought we were all healing and doing well. But I have been knocked off my feet once again. My oldest daughter is graduating next week from college and was doing so well until Dec of this year. A young freshman woman started at her school and started making advances towards her. She told me about it and said it was wierd, but she was friends with her.She told me this other girl was really messed up and that she sleeps with boys and girls. Next thing I know ny daughter and her are in a relationship. She told me that her and this girl share a similar background with abuse and that she has trusted her like no other. I had a discussion with my daughter a long time ago about her sexuality and she assured me that she was straight. Well when I asked her about this relationship, she told me she "is not gay, but is in love with this person". She has had relationships with guys, but nothing ever serious. She is 20. Well within 4 weeks there was trouble and the other girl was sleeping with another one of there friends. My daughter was so upset. I tried to talk to her and get her to go back to counseling. Well the other day I found out that they are seeing each other again. One of my daughters good friends from school called me and told me that they were all so concerned about her, as she isolating herself with this girl, has dropped all her friends, that this girl is controling my daughter. Needless to say we got into a huge confrontation. She now plans to move across the country with this girl who is dropping out of school. I am just broken. She had such hopes and dreams and now is putting everything on hold. My husband and I have tried talking to her, her friends had an intervention, nothing seems to be working. I have been on my knees praying for this unhealthy relationship to end. I just dont know what to do I feel so helpless. I am a christian so this is very hard to deal with. I am not bashing her or putting her down, I am just trying to get her to open her eyes to the situation. Any ideas anyone? H

deleted_user 05/04/2012

Your daughter's past sexual abuse has probably steered her away from having a relationship with a man. I'm sure you have already realized that. Please don't push her away now. I too am a christian and my best friend is a lesbian. She also suffered from sexual abuse as a child. She was bi-sexual, but after ending up in the hospital after her boyfriend beat her, she cannot bring herself to date another man. I struggled with her choice of sexuality because my church has always taught me that it was an abomination before God. I became friends with her because she was dating a male friend of ours. She is the greatest friend I have ever had. She is always happy and upbeat. She is always there for me. She is the best person I know and she's a christian. The only thing I did not absolutely love about her is her choice of partners. I asked myself how this wonderful person could be bad just because of her sexuality. After searching for an answer I found one. I found a new church as well. There are many christian churches that condone homosexual relationships. We are ALL children of the Lord. We have all sinned and fell short of the glory of God. My advice to you is to accept your daughter's choices and invite the "cheater" over for dinner. This will help heal your relationship with your daughter before she moves out of your reach. Accept her girlfriend, because when they split up, as adulterous relationships usually do, she will want your advice and support because you have been there for her. I would also like you to research the effects of non-family support of homosexual relationships. Whether or not you agree with it is beside the point. Would you rather accept your daughter's homosexual relationship, or possibly lose a child to suicide? I'll take gay any day. I now love my friend's choice of sexuality and I am so glad that I didn't throw her away because of it. God blessed me with my friend. You will know them by their fruits, and I know her to be an upstanding christian. Please search for a new church. Your daughter will someday find a healthy relationship and it may end up being with a female. Don't risk losing your daughter forever. My heart goes out to you and thank you for sharing your story. "Hugs"

annholly 05/04/2012

ginap26, I love my daughter very much and I also have a gay brother whom I love very much. I am not a hater of gays. What is just hard to understand is that she insists she is not gay. So I guess that is what is confusing me. But you are right, if I continue to make a huge deal about this, I will lose her. I cant invite the other person to dinner as they are in school and after the summer moving across the country. So dont see where I will even have the opportunity to spend time with them. But I just need to let go a little and let her figure it out. Thanks for your support. H

deleted_user 05/04/2012

I don't think your a gay hater. You just mentioned that this was hard because of your religion. I completely understand what that feels like. How far away is their school? You have all summer. Drive there and take them both out. If that's not possible then talk to her girlfriend on the phone. You have all summer to try to get close to your daughter. Get her to stay. Plans can change. This unhealthy relationship will end. I'm believing in faith that it will. God bless you and your family and good luck!

annholly 05/04/2012

Thanks ginap, the other girl lives in montana and is returning there in 2 weeks. I will see her at my daughters graduation, so I will need to muster all the good feelings I can. She wont stay, she is not coming home for the summer, she is babysitting and working in the town where her school is. I go from strong faith that this is a passing thing to deep dispair. I feel crazy!! Thanks for listening.

Bandmom5 05/04/2012

Annholly, I'm so sorry this struggle has arisen in your daughter and your family. I'm keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. As you said in your original post, the issue is that your daughter is isolating herself, dropping her friends (who are very concerned for her), and allowing her girlfriend to dictate what she does, to the point of changing her life plans... very manipulative. Religion and the gay issue aside, people who have been abused who haven't thoroughly processed it and worked thru it in a healthy, positive and constructive way can be either very manipultive or easily manipulated, and to me, in my opinion, the manipulative girlfriend has found someone who is easily manipulated. In a healthy mature relationship, whether a friendship or an intimate one, either gay or straight, each person wants what's best for the other, and isn't self centered. They don't go off and have other relationships on a whim and then come back when they are bored or whatever. I know from other messages that your daughter has a big heart for those in need, and has huge trust issues from what she's been thru, and it seems this girlfriend is taking advantage of those things. I also have a gay brother and a gay cousin, and they have both been thru some tough relationships, but for a long time now have been with partners who care for and respect them, and that care and respect is mutual. I am praying with all my might that your daughter can learn this quickly somehow, without getting really hurt, and won't let her hopes and dreams, and all she's worked so hard for, be derailed by this girlfriend, who is all of 19! Hang in there, girlfriend, sending VERY BIG (((HUGS))) to you!

deleted_user 05/04/2012

I have to agree with the others that say don't shut out your daughter based on her current choice of partners. I went throuh a VERY rebellious time at 18 and the more my parents pulled at me, the harder I pushed away. I let a guy talk me out of college and the dreams I had. The only reason I agreed to go out with my current husband is I thought it would make my parents mad. (Boy was I wrong, and 13 years later, we are still very happily married - the rare exception.)

With my job, I've had to take classes on understanding gay/lesbian/alternative lifestyles. Just because your daughter is choosing to be in a same-sex relationship at the moment does not necessarily mean she is gay. She may have a physical attraction to this particular girl, but not a true emotional attraction. I know it sounds confusing and not something that you want to hear as a mother, but there is such a thing as "just sex". Men do it all the time! But just because you don't approve, doesn't mean you can't be there to support her. She will always be your daughter. You will love her no matter what choices she makes - even if they aren't the ones you agree with.

I would suggest encouraging her to get back into the counselling. This "relationship" has many red flags of domestic abuse and she will need the self-confidence and self-respect to overcome it - whether she is with a man or a woman. Please let her know that no matter what decision she makes, you will be there for her. And continue to pray for her. You have my thoughts and prayers as well.

annholly 05/07/2012

I would never shut my daughter out no matter what. I think actually I was in shock and thought(haha), I could fix this. She still insists she is not gay, but loves this person who happens to be female. Ive calmed down a bit and decided that I need to let I her make decisions and hopefully she will see that this is not a healthy relationship. After being abused for 6 years what is that for her? I have encouraged counseling, and met with resistence. Does that surprise you? She just has to find her inner strength that has got her through life so far. She graduates this week from college doing this in 3 years and her grade point is 3.9!!! Just her personal choices are crazy right now!! Hard for mothers to watch. Thanks ladies for good sound advise and keep those prayers coming, I so desperately want her to know its not OK to be in an abusive relationship. Love to you all! H

Bandmom5 05/07/2012

Getting a bachelor's degree in 3 yrs with a 3.9 is almost unheard of! What a phenomenal achievement! BIG Congrats to your daughter, and to you too, annholly, for raising such a contientious and determined daughter! Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers (((hugs)))

USAdad 05/09/2012

Annholly...congrats on your daughter's accomplishment. That is indeed an impressive thing. My daughter was similar in that she overachieved scholastically after being abused. We later realized that some of her focus and drive was likely a coping mechanism for everything that she was going through, which we at the time were not aware of. Those kinds of accomplishments can and should pay dividends.

On the other hand, that doesn't mean that everything is right, something that you're obviously very aware of. All you can do is hang in there, love and support her as much as you can and be strong for her. She will find her way in her own time. Just be there to catch her when she falls. Good luck.

deleted_user 05/09/2012

Maybe you can talk to her about their relationship and imagine the other person as if it were a boyfriend so that she doesn't think you are saying it in a religious, anti-gay stance. She should be told anyways that this was the same person who betrayed their"relationship" in the past, and what will she do when she is completely reliant on this person when they move away together. Where will she go when this person betrays her again. I am a firm believer once a cheater always a cheater, gay or straight. She deserves respect. Also have you told her you will always love her either way, so she should be honest about whether she is gay or not, but be respectful enough to you, to be honest. Just because it disagrees with your religion doesn't mean you could ever possibly stop loving your child, make sure she knows that. Wishing you best. Lots of loves, ocean

Caramel33 05/14/2012

I think the key to this is that the girlfriend has also suffered abuse. That's the link, annholly- she is a "mirror" for your daughter- someone she can probably talk to about the abuse in a way she can't talk to anyone else. And good as counsellors can be, nothing beats talking to someone who has been there.

Looking on the bright side, your daughter is graduating- she has a good education, she can get a good job (presumably). She has a loving family at her back, and friends who have cared enough to worry about her relationship with this girl. None of that is going away, it will still be there after this girl is long gone.

I would back off on the "gay" thing- do you really care that much about her sexuality? We are living in a more enlightened era, when we realise that a lot of the differences don't matter as much as the similiarities. Gay people are still people- 2 eyes, a nose, a mouth- hey, what's the big deal. I have a gay brother who has been with his partner longer than I have been with my husband. I have a gay son, who has been in a stable relationship for a few years with a lovely guy. I also have a daughter who has suffered sexual abuse- and all I want for her is that she works through the pain of it all with someone who loves her. She may make some bad choices in that along the way, and I intend to be around to pick up the pieces when the bad choices fall apart. I trust her enough to know that eventually she will make a good choice. From what you say of your daughter, she will come through to the good choice too.

It hurts when we can't stop them from making bad choices- but, we can't stop them. I would keep throwing some unconditional love at it- keep in touch with your daughter- you'll be at her graduation, fold her in your arms and tell her how much you love her. Bite your tongue, and take her to dinner with the girl. The best way to show up the bad choices is to include them in as many family events as possible- because they don't fit in, and over time that becomes really apparent.

Hugs and kisses to you. I haven't been on much recently- it is a long journey, isn't it- my daughter still only 14, so I know I have a long way to go to. Keep her close to your heart.

Caramel33 05/14/2012

And what I probably should have added is that it was difficult when my son came out. Because I wanted everything to be easy and normal for him- there is still a lot of stigma in our society attached to homosexuality. I was lucky in that I knew about it before he had a relationship with anyone, and when he did form that relationship it was with someone that our family liked. You've got the double whammy of not liking the partner as well as dealing with seeing your child's future as different to what you thought it might be.

My son came out at 14- 10 years ago now- and found his first serious boyfriend 3 years ago- they are still going strong- though not sure it will be a lifetime partnership. The acceptance of his family has been so important to him- he is only now coming out to his extended family. He is gay just because he is gay. No abuse in his background, a pretty normal childhood- maybe your daughter's sexuality is being affected by the abuse, maybe it isn't - she will work it out- she is a smart girl

Caramel33 05/14/2012

How is your younger daughter handling all this? Is she close to her sister?

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