Facing the perp is a very personal decision. I did it...but I was an adult at the time (29). My daughter did it...but she was also an adult at the time (18). It has pros and cons and at only 13 I believe that your son is too young to do it unless the perp had acknowledged he was wrong and had been in a counseling program many months/years for sex offenders. And even then it should be done in a controlled enviornment with both the survivor's counselor and the the perp's counselor present.

Because your family continues to have this monster present at family functions they are supporting the perp and not your son. That would be a terrible place for your son to be. Stay away from them-it is not worth the risk to your son. I know that your son thinks he could handle it but it is not worth the risk to your son's well being and all the progress that he has made. It would also prove nothing because trust me the uncle doesn't care at all about anybody but himself. He might even get some sick satisfaction out of seeing your son again.

When my daughter faced her brother she did it only to get some closure for herself; she will never again have any type of relationship with her brother or want to be in the same room as him. She will never have to worry because he will never be involved with any of our family functions ever again.

Tell your son that it is just too dangerous for him to be around this criminal. You wouldn't take your son to a place where criminals were, right? This is the same thing except worse because his uncle never even had to pay for what he has done. He should be locked up forever.

Please tell your son what an amazing kid he is -he is so brave- he is a hero! And he doesn't have to face that monster again to prove it. Laura

I don't have any experience with this, but what Laura says really makes sense. It would be one thing if he had taken responsibility for his actions and the family was supportive of your son, but I worry that since those things haven't happened, he will be surrounded by people who will disappoint him and hurt him. Plus, like she said - he may get some sick satisfaction out of it, and the others might think you guys are finally coming around because you are sorry for accusing him, etc. What an amazing boy to want to face him. I agree - he is already a hero and a winner. He doesn't and probably shouldn't have to face that mess. Just my humble opinion! Hugs, Jen

I don't think that seeing your son's perp. is in the best interest of your son. When children are abused at such a young age it is virtually impossible for them to escape the affects of CPTSD. I'm not a doctor but I've talked to many survivors over the years and each one of them who has been seen by professionals has been diagnosed with PTSD. My wife is a perfect example & still to this day can't be around her brother who is her perp.

Do all the other family members know that your son was abused by his uncle ? If they do and they have no problem with the perp. being at family functions and your son being left out I must say they are all clueless... If they do not know about what your son has been through I would encourage you to start with him being able to openly talk to others in the family about what happened to him. I started to see my wife's improvement as an adult when she was able to openly talk about her abuse. I also would try and rally other family members together and let them know exactly how hurt your son is...

Do you have a husband or boyfriend who knows about what your son has been through ?

I appreciate the input. All the things you guys have brought up are valid points that I have thought about. It feels good to know my concerns are valid ones.

I should rephrase this is not an official family function, but is actually a retirement reunion that my deceased father will be honored at. So while my extended family will be there, there will also be many old friends and co-workers(of my father's) and their families that will be there as well.

My son has become much more vocal about the abuse and more recently wants everyone to know. While the last 5 yrs has been torture for my boys because their grandmother and aunt sided with the pedophile more recently Aunts, Uncle & cousins have been informed and seem very supportive (unfortunately these people will not be at this function). They finally understand why we haven't been to any family get togethers in the last 5 years.

Yes Tom, I do have a husband (my son's father) who is completely aware of every detail. We were both initially against him seeing this person as we feel he is to young for the possible consquences. But as my son seems ready to fight back we promised we would be open minded and meet with the therapist for an expert opinion. While I'm waiting for that appointment I thought I would pick the brains of others who have been through this.

I value everyones opinion here.

I would not second guess any decision that a survivor would make ! My opinion was only based on seeing my wife and how she has been treated by her family. Like I mentioned for her she hope she never has to lay eyes on her brother again. She still has panic attacks at the sight of anybody who even resembles her brother.

I think what gets lost often in the family dynamics of Childhood Sexual Abuse and especially with incest is that the monster perps. are the ones responsible for 100% of the fallout. Families sometimes seem to think that the survivors should with time be able to just forgive and forget. We all know that is not even remotely possible, but we need to advise family members how devastating that can be for survivors.

We are now 20 years since my wife told me about her abuse and her parents as well. Last week her Mom says to her "Linda, can't you just file that away somewhere and just move on and be done with all this" well you know what they say ignorance is bliss !

Good Luck to you and your STRONG Son I hope it all works out for the best !!!!
Tom

Thanks for the support, and yes he is STRONG!

While most of our days are good ones now, there still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it on some level. If I can stay away from the negative delusional family members all usually goes pretty smooth. During a recent heated conversation with my mother I asked her how she thought it felt to have your 8 year old lay down and spread his legs apart to show you where he was touched? Or how it feels to sit up all night with your child on Thanksgiving (day the abuse occured) and watch the clock until it says 12:01 am Friday just so you can see him breath again? She truly doesn't get it and never will. In my opinion she is just as sick as the pedophile for standing behind him.

It is okay to cut your mother out of your life-no more heated discussions, yay! I also realize that what we chose to do is not the norm. Most families try to grin and bear it when it comes to the perp being around. I agree with Tom. Family members that choose to support the perp in any way are very ignorant. There can be NO wiggle room for the perp or those who choose the perp over the survivor. Survivors will continue to be hurt and destroyed if the perp is anywhere around.

I spent 3 hours today going thru old pics of my son. Pictures of him during and after the abuse have been thrown out. He no longer belongs with us. I didn't have it in me to throw away the ones of him before the abuse. He was still innocent then. (however, if my daughter wanted them gone they would be in a second!) We no longer have any pics on the wall of our son in our home. The survivor has to be put first -no ifs, ands or buts! Like I said before, you and your son are heros in my book. Laura

Laura I'm amazed that you truly are doing all the right things for your daughter ! I know you are a survivor as well and I would suspect that it helps you in your decision making for her. I have written here before that my wife Linda has gone to 6 different therapists and each and everyone of them has said the exact same to her about support from family. Each and everyone of her therapists have told her "Allot of times when families don't support survivors the best thing a survivor can do is cut those family ties for good". I also have written that Linda has not done that and tries to have a relationship with some family members. However, she continues to get let down by her parents and her sister time and time again. If hurts survivors to witness somebody who abused them being treated civilly when the survivor is treated like a second class citizen.

Woulddoitagain, I think for each and everyone of us we have choices which we make which hopefully are the best for our survivors. Often times those choices are selfish choices and we aren't even aware of it. I firmly believe that the more you hear the witness and the more you learn the better off you will all be. My wife Linda and I use to put on on-line meetings with both partners of survivors and survivors. I can recall very clearly one of the survivors saying on one of our meetings that as a survivor she knows her whole life will & has been spent searching for answers. Her abuser was her father and as a women in her mid 40's now, she knows her life will only get better if she continues to try and find answers as to why her abuse could happen.

Take Care Ladies I truly hope your being here on D.S. helps you, I know it has helped myself and my survivor
Tom

I hear you warriormama, my son asked for us to remove all pictures of my brother in law, but keep pictures of his aunt and cousins. Brother in laws pics were gone that day. A few months later he said he didn't want any of them around, they were disposed of immedietely. It really p'd me (not at my son, but my brother in law) off, we had some great family photo'sat holiday/birthdays pre abuse that we had to get rid of because brother in law was in the background. We cropped what we could, but he has stripped us of so much.

My daughter doesn't get to watch her daddy play soccer (which she loved to do) anymore because he plays on a team that the abuser plays on as well. There is a no contact order and i wouldn't take her anyway.

I don't know if she will ever be ready to see him. He has never admitted guilt. He tries to convince everyone that she is lying. My family has been very supportive of her. I don't think any of his family other than my husband (he is my husbands younger brother) has even been told. Most of them live out of the country. I suspect, however, that they would side with the abuser. I have often thought about how we would handle invitations for family functions in which the abuser would be included.

Of course, I would not take her. I do not let my other children see him either. Its still pretty fresh for us so I can't say, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't take my child into a situation where the people are supporting the abuser.

I think your son is very angry at the fact that he is still being victimized. As well he should be, but I don't think confronting his abuser at a family function is a good plan for him. Especially if those people aren't supporting your son. Which is obvious in that the abuser is at family activities. That could lead to a very explosive and emotional situation that your son doesn't need to endure.

I think you are doing a great job and I think you have quite an amazing young man for a son. Good luck and I will be praying for your family.

Anna

I have the issue of my oldest is the abuser. Some days my youngest son asks to see him. My daughter says she never wants to see him again.

Tom-
I wish I could give your wife Linda a hug and tell her how amazing she is. She is a survivor and DOES NOT NEED these so called family members in her life. Real family members would side with her and boot her sicko brother to the curb and off the cliff!! Her real family is you and her children. Thank you Tom for being a hero everyday to your wife and for being a hero for us. My husband saved my life when I was going thru therapy 20 yrs ago-he stood by me and loved me thru it. As you know, living with a survivor can be very difficult at times. We test the men that we love because we aren't quite sure that we can trust again. You , like my husband have stuck it out. ( For us it has been 25 yrs) You will never know how grateful your wife is to have a man like you in her life. She is blessed. Warriors and heros still exist and you are one of them, Tom!!

Woulddoitagain- I know that it is very hard to let go of what you thought your life was. Pictures can represent the safety and love that we thought we had with the perp only to have all of that torn to pieces. But.... you can have a new life, a new reality where the love is still there and your family is stronger than ever before. Had your son had to go thru this all by himself it might have destroyed him but because he had you all he will survive. Now you get to watch him become a strong man who will be a hero and inspiration to so many! Laura

Anna, We are all here to learn from each other to help out our fellow parents and survivors right ? I would like to point out something that is a red flag to me which I suspect will be a serious problem in your families future. You say "My daughter doesn't get to watch her daddy play soccer (which she loved to do) anymore because he plays on team that the abuser plays on as well. Well I can assure you that her daddy is going to have a little angel who will at some point seriously resent the fact that her daddy has chosen his brother over her. I think the best time to deal with these issues are sooner better then later. The more support our survivors get early on the better it will be for all later on. On the other hand the least support those survivors get the worst it will be down the road.

We see time and time again our families being ripped apart because the abuse. Certainly our children have paid the price as having their world ripped apart from the abuse. To a survivor they don't see it as anything other then a family choosing the perp. over them.

Anna, one other thing I see in your post and that is "I have often thought about how we would handle invitations for family functions in which the abuser would be included". Never and I mean never should your little angel have to look in the eyes of her abuser again period. She has endured enough in her life from him and will certainly endure allot more pain knowing you know what he has done. Don't let this monster continue to have other victims in your family.

Good Luck
Tom

I appreciate your input tom. I totally agree that my precious one should never have to see that sick creep ever again. He was thrown out of our home the day my baby told me and i will never allow him to be anywhere she is as long as i am breathing.

As hard as this has been, it has been made harder for me knowing my husband can still interact with my daughter's abuser. It infuriates me. I think u are right about her resenting him one day. I resent it myself. I started individual therapy to help me work thru my own feelings. I have confronted him and we always start out talking and end up fighting.

We are doing family counseling but he just says he thinks its best to give my daughter as normal a life as possible and spenx time with her etc... Of course those things are true

But i think she needs to know she is all that matters. This is one reason i joined this group. I didnt feel we were being supported. Thank you for caring enough to point out things that might be hard to hear. I will continue to come here for the wise advice and support that i have learned to count on.

God bless and thanks,
Anna