Awe... I am so very sorry!! As I mentioned in the other post, I cannot imagine what you are dealing with. Losing a child has to be more pain that what I can wrap my head around. I feel so helpless for you right now!! I am glad that your daughter fell asleep in your arms last night. She must have felt so safe. I have no advice on the antidepressants, but I am on them myself and do know how they affect your mood. I am an adult, though, and was never on them as a child. I am glad that she has outlets also. I have been told over and over that that is very important!! Please know that even though I have no good advice or information to share, you are in my thoughts and prayers today and always now that we have "met".

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through... This is so hard to navigate, I want you to know it ink you are an amazing mother and I think that you made a very difficult desicion but a very healthy choice to cut contact with the perpetrator... Your daughter will survive this and this choice will help her heal as well as you...!!!

I feel like I really want to offer my experience with meds and hope that you also get other people's experiences because I myself have not had a very good experience so I think it will be valuable to hear other people as well... But I will share with you that after my daughter disclosed to me 1.5 years ago I was very near suicidal... But holding it together for my daughter was a very real and tangible option for me...!!! But my BFF who had been on anti depressants since he was 14, offered me some xanex to help me with my nerves... As I'm sure you can relate, I was totally shell shocked and desperate to "keep it all together" so I was thankful for the xanex and tried it one day... Well I woke up with what can only be described as a hangover, I received an email that triggered me, and all of a sudden I was ready to kill myself... I was really ready to end my life and the only thing preventing me was my husband and my BFF... Who researched and explained to me that sometimes anti anxiety and anti depressants can has the reverse effect of what you would want and can actually increase suicidal tendencies and desires...!!! This was sooo true for me because this only lasted a day... The next day I was still in total PTSD adrenaline overdrive but I had the will to live again... Something that felt like it had completly vanished as a direct side effect from the meds...

The other experience I can safely tell you about is my BFF, a different friend than the one who gave the the xanex... She had been on lexapro for about a year... When she broke up with her boyfriend and moved into her moms... She was still taking lexapro but she did attempt suicide at the time and found herself in the hospital... (She has a child sexual abuse history from an abusive stepfather). After getting out of the hospital she has gone off medication and is excersizing and taking vitamins and supplements and reading a lot about healing and she is soooooo soooooo soooooo much healthier and happier than she ever was on medication....!!!!

My BFF who gave the the xanex... Has been on medication since he was 14 years old(he also has a childhood sexual abuse history, a teenage girl did stuff to him at age 3 and his father beat him with a 2x4 when he found them) he recently has gone off his medication and I have never seen him so happy and stable and thriving in my life before... He is a rescue animal foster parent and is really active in the animal shelter and he is also taking vitamins and supplements... And with a simple blood test they found an imbalance with his hormones so he corrected it naturally with supplements... Soooo proud of him... He has slowly gotten off the meds, he started in the summer last year... And has been off them for about 1.5 months now..
He used to not make it to work about like once a week dueto crippling panic attacks in which he would have to run home and stay there all day... I would always get a text saying... "I have anxiety and I didn't go to work" his dr just kept increasing his meds... It wasn't helping... It was hurting him...!!! So happy he got off that crazy system...!!!

The last person I have had experience with meds is an ex roommate of mine... And she also attempted suicide while on lexapro and her dr just increased the amount which didn help...!!!

I don't take meds... I have refused all dr. Attempts and I have finally found a wonderful homeopathic doctor and nurse practitioner which my insurance covers... She has me taking vitamin d... And in talk therapy with a trauma counselor (I have a childhood sexual abuse history too, my father and others) and I have never loved life more... My daughter is thriving 1.5 years later she is still in counseling (she was 5when my 13yr old brother raped her 4times) and loves school... She has some social anxiety and some other issues but is working with them with her counselor and is so impressive the way she talks through her pain...!!!
I think that having a gratitude ritual has helped me more than anything else I have done... And that is just talk the time to write down at least 5 things a day that I am thankful for...'could
Be as small as, I'm thankful for this cup of chamomile tea... But this has changed my LIFE...!!! And my daughters life as well...!!!

I would like to add that if you do decide to take her off of her meds... don't do it cold turkey. That can make a person bottom and have suicidal tendencies when they may otherwise not. Definitely, any decision you make should be under the supervision of a doctor, but I know you know that!! :)

Thanks ladies. So much to think about. I'm just exhausted from another night without sleep. I started anti-depressants yesterday after resisting for a long time. My counsellor finally convinced me. I still have major reservations about them but am desperate atm. Not sure how well these will work as they seem to work well on OCD, not so well on depression, but I have a higher anxiety component.

Re daughter, I am too scared to talk with her about suicide and even self-harm. It really takes everything out of me. I have always avoided anything like that - have always found it threatening, over-whelming, confronting. Don't know how counsellors deal with this day in and day out. That's why I'm not one! I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, but maybe we need to. Dh isn't one for confrontation either and often downplays the seriousness of anything and thinks I'm over-reacting. I know that he is scared and feeling helpless atm too.

This will seem counterintuitive, but I think it will be very useful for you to discuss with your daughter the attempt she mentioned to her teachers.What would be worse: discussing it, as awful as that will be, or never having the chance to discuss how strongly you oppose the idea of her committing suicide? So you really have no choice. She may be aware that the people she has told are in a position of having to tell you, and be hoping that you will step up and let her know how devastated you are at the thought of losing her. That may sound overdramatic, but she is struggling and needs to know where she can find solid ground. If not with he mom, where?

That said, I think you also need to let her know how NORMAL suicidal feelings are with PTSD and depression. Tell her this is part of her brain trying to resolve its own pain. That will take the toxicity out of them. We would all rather not go through awful stuff, we would all rather not face pain, and suicide looks like a way out. But it solves nothing -- history is still history, and a wonderful future can never be.

Tell her you know of many lovely people who have survived what she did, and gone on to lead great, inspiring lives -- Oprah Winfrey comes immediately to mind. Elizabeth Smart (an American who as a child was abducted from her home) is another. Can others here suggest names of other well-known survivors? As I have heard said, "Where there's life, there's hope."

*if not with her mom....

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2205101/Justin-Biebers-mother-Pattie-Mallette-endured-years-sexual-abuse-age-4.html

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/stars-whove-spoken-abuse/story?id=18122368

We started our daughter on a low dose of Prozac last year because of the overwhelming anxiety and it helped her. I was really scared to try it but glad we did. Science has not kept up in the mental health field which is truly a shame. I am on Celexa and it too has really helped with the anxiety.
I can't even begin to understand the amount of stress you as a mom are under. I agree with Naive1 that you should tell your daughter that you heard she attempted suicide. It does not have to be a long, drawn out discussion. If she were my child, I would state the following to her: you heard about the suicide attempt, you love her more than anything else on this earth, she is the most important person in my life and I can't imagine not having her in it, promise me that if you feel like killing yourself you will tell someone, you will not act on it. I have dealt with suicidal ideation as a nurse and we have to assess the threat by talking to the person about his/her planning of the suicide. Very often, the person has no specific plan (thank God!) but just can't handle the emotions he/she is dealing with at that time. They don't really want to die, they just don't want to feel this way anymore. So as a nurse, I evaluate the threat by talking to them about the planning and then I make a pact with them. A promise that they will tell someone if they are feeling suicidal and not act on it, Make a pact with your baby and maybe give her a necklace or bracelet to remind her of the promise. She will have the seed planted that she made a promise and this buys her the time to really think about the actual act of suicide.
I am sending you extra prayers, my sister. You can have this discussion with your daughter and I promise you will have the strength.

Thanks ladies. Haven't discussed suicide attempt as such yet but have really made an effort to say other things like she can come to me any time she needs to, even the middle of the night and we can just hold hands or cuddle. She doesn't need to talk if she doesn't want to. Really trying to be there and let her know that she's amazing and special and I know that life is @#*! right now. Spent lots of time cuddling yesterday. I know she was very down after her first dance comp in almost a year (she had most of last year out with serious ankle injuries and recently put her back and hips out when a horse head butted her) which didn't go well and teacher tore strips off her at the end, which didn't help. Teacher has no idea what dd is going through. I noticed that dd is cutting even more. I am almost physically sick when I see it but know her pain is far worse than mine.

You are giving me the strength and courage to face this confronting, scary situation and do what is in the best interests of us all, no matter how challenging. Dd is on Zoloft and I have just started on Luvox. I don't have a lot of faith in meds doing much and know that grounding is more likely to have a greater impact. I have always struggled with emotional regulation and have only recently realised why and that there are things I can do about it. Lack of sleep is a major issue for both of us (I have had problems with sleep for over 10 years now). I was just in a good space with sleep when current situation blew up with dd and now have barely slept in a week.

Once again it is the middle of the night here as I post something. Will now try and get back to sleep as we have a big social day coming up and younger dd needs my help with chemistry homework so will need some brain cells firing for that. I was so tired the other morning that I left the house with a lettuce in my hand. I'd meant to put it in the fridge. Just laughed and put it away.

Hopefully my next post will be after discussion with dd. My counsellor gave me some booklets on self harm and I want to give that to dd too. This is so heart breaking and scary. Not the way childhood is meant to be but we need to make the best of a bad situation.

Hi -
Okay - First off just to clarify and for understanding.
Xanax is a controlled substance, can be addicting and is not an antidepressant. It is an anxiolytic. It's effects are similar to drinking alcohol and in fact they use medications similar to Xanax to detox an alcoholic so that their bodies don't go into fatal withdrawl. Xanax is short acting and is not in your system for 24 hours.

Lexapro, Celexa, Prozac just some of the meds listed on here are actual antidepressants. There is an increased suicide risk in children - but still who knows what that means. Would the child have committed suicide any way? And who really knows how much these meds actually prevent suicide. I would tend to bet a lot more prevention than any cause of suicide. I think these meds are worth a definite try if you are presented with a chlld already expressing suicidal thoughts. Because you need to do something.

I would say the associated risk of increased suicide rate is definitely something to talk about with the prescriber - but in my opinion and experience now isn't the time to say no treatment.

If you were considering antidepressants for your child because she broke up with her boyfriend and failed gym class - clearly something minor - then well,,, you probably wouldn't want to prescribe for smaller issues because of this uncertainty about suicide risk.

I'm glad to hear you'll be talking to your daughter about suicide. I like everything mommybear had to say, especially about the pact.

A word about Xanax -- PLEASE aim for the SMALLEST dose possible. One mg/day is a typical dose. Some doctors are actually interested in creating addicts -- my daughter encountered one such MD, who prescribed her 4 mg/day right off the bat -- which doesn't sound like a lot, but is an EXORBITANT dosage. She was in bed for weeks, and her personality changed. She doesn't even remember the crazy stuff she said and did (I do), but she does remember how difficult it was to come off Xanax. It's easy to wind up dead if withdrawing without careful MD supervision, which takes WEEKS and sometimes months, something she didn't know; we are VERY lucky to have her still.

Agree with 96Percent that antidepressants are with a try. They have helped me and my daughter stabilize quite a bit. They don't make the sad memories go away, of course, but they do make them less devastating, because your brain becomes more resilient, more shock-resistant (but not numb).

I like the idea of a pact and something as a reminder of that pact. Dd is in a good space today, able to focus and enthusiastic. Other dd is now the more difficult one.

We are not going anywhere near Xanax.

I managed to get a decent night's sleep, so I am in a better space to cope. Lots of homework to help with so need half a brain.

Off to spend the afternoon with friends. Should be a good break for us.

It takes awhile to find the right med, especially when you have a teen or child. It took several different tries before we found the right one. Meds helped save my daughter's life. My daughter wanted to die for a very long time and it was very scary to hear her say it. I understand your concerns. I was very worried about anti-depressants and what they would do to her developing mind. The risk of losing her outweighed any concerns that we had about the drugs so we took the chance. For us Lexapro was a miracle drug. Now she is on Prozac because the Lexapro was making her gain weight. She has been on it since Christmas and says she finds it less sedating than the Lexapro. Gaining control over the anxiety was the hardest thing for her to do and I believe that the Lexapro was key in accomplishing that.

Laura

I hope she's continuing to feel less anxious with the Prozac, Laura. I switched to Prozac two months ago, and find that my overall anxiety has dropped.

Thanks ladies. Had another session with my counsellor. She is really good at pushing me out of my comfort zone in a very gentle way. We discussed the need to have a conversation about the attempted suicide and how I could approach that. She suggested making a pact as well with preferably three options as a safety net when dd feels as though she is spiralling into a deeper depression. I will write down some notes to have an approach clear in my head and raise it in the next day or two. Dd is in a much better space this week and has spark and bounce back in her life.

I just feel so out of my depth handling any relationship problems. My counsellor is trying to drill down as to why, but I don't think we got very far yesterday. It's something I have always run from and seen myself as most of the problem - there it is again, shame, guilt and feeling incompetent. My mother never discussed issues with me and I learnt to withdraw and console myself because I couldn't approach her. I also made decisions in my early 20s to not be around people who had significant personal issues as they sucked the life out of me and often were not willing to help themselves. Sounds awful, but I have to push myself to have empathy or compassion and I'm sure that that is part of my history of abusel. I'm more likely to meet a practical need.

This is all sounding muddled as I can't really make sense of what I'm feeling and thinking other than this is the scariest thing that's happened to us and facing it is something I know I have to do, but I know that I'm not alone which is giving me the courage to face this. Thanks for being here for me.

Btw, we have booked 5 days away at a place called Hyams Beach. It is new to us. Supposedly has the whitest sand in the world. Just hope the water is warm enough to go snorkelling. After the incredibly hot summer we have just had I should think so. I was dreaming of snorkelling last night.