Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
This is a list I wrote up for my child's counseling center and also to share online, advice/resources for parents based on my experience after disclosure of sibling sexual abuse. Again, hopefully the new people will find something helpful here
Start a log Keep notes of your meetings, phone calls, etc. with authorities. This can be a notebook, online log, on your phone, etc. It can help you remember things when your brain is in a fog, and can be useful later if legal issues come up.
Make a confidentiality plan You will be dealing with a lot of confidential information. Make sure your calls are routed to confidential voice mail and private e-mail (not work e-mail, for example). Change your passwords if you need to, consider creating a new e-mail just for abuse-related stuff, find a private place for papers you need to keep. Find a private place to make confidential phone calls--your car for example. Google how to use the confidential mode on your browser.
Who do I tell? This is a huge, ongoing question. Sometimes you won’t get a choice. It can help immensely to have the support of true friends, but consider carefully whether this is someone you can trust to keep your story confidential and to be supportive of you. One rule of thumb--you can always decide to tell someone later, but once they know, you can’t take it back.
Pace yourself and brace yourself. This will not be over soon-think months at least. You will be simultaneously grieving, supporting your child, navigating unfamiliar systems, and more. It will take a lot of your time, energy, emotions, and intellect. Simply what you can in the rest of your life. Figure out a plan to be able to take needed time from work for appointments, etc.
Start now to find help for yourself. It is crucial that you have support to keep yourself mentally healthy so you can be there for your child. In addition to family and friends you should get a professional therapist or counselor if at all possible. It can take time to get scheduled and to find a counselor you work well with. If it will be a long wait and you need help now, ask about crisis counseling from Canopy Center or the Rape Crisis Center. Or call your doctor--it may help to get some anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, or sleep aids to help you be able to function decently. Ask for non-addictive medications. If you do have a history of any kind of addiction already, get extra support for that now to help you stay in recovery during this stressful time.
Find peer support. No matter how supportive your friends and your professional counselor, there is nothing that can replace the support of others who have actually walked the road you are on. Ask about local support groups and see the list of resources on the reverse.
Here are sources of mental health support that you can access anytime, including during the night and on weekends.
National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
Text Home to 741741 for 24/7 crisis support by text
Your doctor’s after-hours number/mental health line number
Links for Information and support:
Mothers of Sexually Abused Children mosac.net
very comprehensive site with lots of useful and encouraging information; includes links to a chat service that can connect to a licensed counselor
Daily Strength online support www.dailystrength.org/group/parents-whose-children-have-been-sexually-abused
group for parents of children who have been sexually abused
Daily Strength all support groups dailystrength.org
many, many other support groups including depression, PTSD, children with behavior problems, divorce, families of prisoners, etc
Taalk support for sexual abuse victims and families taalk.org
organization started by a mother whose child was sexually abused; many resource information links as well as a call-in weekly support group for parents of sexually abused children, many pages of information which covers offenders, families, and survivors
Stop It Now list of resources for parents of survivors
If you are also the parent of, or still care about, the person who harmed your child, these resources may help.
support for families of sex offenders support-for-families.board.net
many legal and practical resources as well as support, helps even if the label “sex offender” doesn’t technically or realistically apply or if you don’t know yet
Daily Strength support for families of SO's
online support--again, helpful whether the label applies or not
StopItNow resource list for parents of youth with sexual behavior problems
Resources for parents and family of children who have sexually harmed others and other offenders
Stop It Now! stopitnow.org
helpline 1-888-PREVENT, live chat and e-mail support, lots of info and links on web site
Sibling Sexual Abuse Article this is geared toward social workers but has some helpful information
1) Perpetrator child:
Holding them accountable for their actions (showing you love them & don't want them to re-offend by reporting it, instead of sweeping it under the rug as a family secret enabling them to fail again & validating their horrid behavior by not calling it out), reporting to the authorities, finding suitable counseling, continuing any needed scholastic/medical care (not canceling things in spite), still saying you love them BUT voicing your raw emotions ("What you did hurt me so much & I'm really angry but I still love you because you're my son/daughter"), encourage them to journal, understanding that there is usually a root cause for THEIR acting out sexually (prior sexual victimization, current sexual victimization, pornography, a dare, peer pressure, etc.) & removing/reporting the cause if possible, encourage them to confess fully what they did with a complete/genuine apology to their hurt sibling, ultimately reunification with the family if possible, not giving up on them getting better unless multiple therapists tell you there's no hope and they truly are a pedophile.
2) Victim child:
Believe their disclosures no matter how difficult to accept, report it to CPS as well as the police if they tell you to, find them the right therapist that allows them to feel safe to disclose & heal (& respects you the parent enough to include you in that when/if the child needs you as well as communicates well with you), put your victimized child's needs 1st (a certain food triggers them so don't buy it until they are ready to process why, their room no longer feels safe so give them a new room in the house with fresh decor to start anew), encourage them journal, give them time to heal but when they say they want to see pictures of/talk to/visit their perp sibling, if therapists agree, LET them, don't talk poorly about their offending sibling (I.e. "that idiot! What was he thinking?!) But instead label the behaviors as wrong (they will still love their sibling & you don't want to put them in a place of defending the one who hurt them), hug them often & share words of affirmation, encourage them to forgive when they feel ready to (this will take time), ultimately family reunification, with victim child's needs being priority, if possible.
<3. Sorry you understand this pain too. <3