Ashley - the horror of this issue is that MANY, MANY people who are guilty are found innocent by the courts. I don't think anyone will fault you for doing what you feel you have to do, as you are the one who has to live with the consequences of your actions. I can tell you for me, I too wish I knew 100% of what happened - our abuser tells a very different story than my young daughter - but she was very clear in her descriptions and I cannot imagine her making it up. She too recanted her story at one time saying it didn't happen, but please know and understand - children do not "tease" about these things (my daughter recanted when she saw that it was breaking our family up, a family who we saw often and loved). Your children are going to do everything they can to protect you - so it is very important for you to not act upset if they do disclose anything - please stay calm and understanding. Most abusers appear to be "great people" - we thought it was so cute how much my nephew loved my daughter (having no idea what had happened while they were in the other room), and the abusers can make the abuse seem "fun" to a certain extent. Sexual arousal is pleasurable, even to a young child - so while they don't understand it, some of it may be enjoyable - a lot that constitutes sexual abuse can happen before the abuse progresses to a violent rape. I think my daughter finally disclosed because she was getting uncomfortable with where it was progressing to - and because I opened up the subject by talking about body safety. The abusers play on emotions "if you tell your mom, I will get in trouble, we need to keep this our secret". I know my daughter did not want to get her "best friend" as she referred to him in the forensic interview - in trouble. Of course your kids love and adore him - even if he has abused them. My mother-in-law was brutally raped for years by her father - and she still speaks of admiration for him (which I can't in my mind understand), but that is the sick part of this issue. The sad thing is, even if more information comes out, it still may not lead to a conviction - I don't know what the statistics are, but I would bet they are pretty high on abusers not being convicted. Our abuse did not have any bearing on custody - so I have no advice for you, and I would probably be doing the same thing - but heed the advice you get on here from others who have gone through situations such as yours as they have a much better understanding. We all have a hard time wrapping our head around what happened to our children, we all trusted our abuses otherwise we wouldn't have trusted our children with them, we all wish we knew exactly what happened, most abusers are "the last person you would expect" - that is why it is such a problem and epidemic. Hang in there, we will continue with prayers that things work out for you.

In the end you have to do what is best for you and your children.We do not judge here and honestly if you have to stay with him to keep them safe then so be it.It's not ideal but like you said if you leave and he gets visitation then you will not be there to protect them.I can't imagine the tension between you and your husband and the stress you are under.Hand in there

There is absolutely nothing I can add to the wisdom shared by mobley and bonnieboo above. It's easy for me to say "get the hell out of there," because that wasn't my situation. My daughter was raped by an adult neighbor. Had we known, when it happened, we could easily have moved and left that neighborhood far behind with no legal ties to consider. Visitation rights are the damnedest business in situations like these. Given the statistics about disclosure -- almost 100% of disclosures are based in reality -- children should ALWAYS be believed, and be allowed to stay exclusively with the nonoffending parent. It may cause a strain, it may cause great inconvenience and heartbreak for the accused parent (and it can obviously pose a hardship to the nonoffending parent, especially one with limited financial means); however, misunderstandings can be healed. If children can heal after being intentionally violated, adults can deal with a mistakenly and temporarily damaged reputation.

So yes, even though you're still finding it difficult to believe that this has happened, and even though I'd guess every other parent on this board is pretty certain that your husband DID molest your children, we do not judge, because you have to figure out what will truly protect your children in the short term. It makes me ill to think of you and them being stuck in the same house with him, but I cannot blame you for making that decision. It was not one I faced, and I can thank God for that. However, when it comes to safety, there's safety from sexual violation and safety from other harm. Can you be sure that your husband will not become violent if he realizes that you believe your children? Do you have a gun in your home? (You don't need to answer -- just think about it, as women are much more likely to be shot by men they know, and if there's a gun in the house.) I wish you every bit of strength and energy you will need to carry on, and every ounce of wisdom you can use to make good decisions for yourself and for your children.

You asked:
"Has anyone had someone SO charming and a great dad and absolutely loved by his children turn out to be a molester?"
The answer is simple... Yes... 99.9% of child molesters are sooo charming, and absolutely loved, adored, and respected by many many people...!!!

My own father is a perfect example of this type of person...!!! I tortured and abused by my father... Not all of it was scary... And most of the sexual abuse I endured was "pleasurable" and "instigated" by me... Well after being carefully groomed that is... I LOVED...!!! LOVED my father... When he was away I would sleep with his shirt so I could smell him... I could barely remember the abuse even when it was happening to me... And I was able to suppress the memories of horrific abuse and torture for most of my life... All the way until I turned 30... Then I opened the flood gates and my memories came flooding back into my consciousness... I had been triggered by my own daughter's abuse and while working through the trauma from her disclosure i became aware of my own past... Up until my 30th birthday I loved and trusted and respected my father... I even trusted him to take care of my daughter when I was not there... Now that I remember my childhood in its entirety i am mortified that I let him have access to my daughter and I'm 100% sure he molested her too... She also doesn't remember the abuse... But i am preparing for the day she does and I will have to explain why I left her with a child molested...!!!

My whole point here is that, yes... A child molester will be charming, he will be loved, he will be trusted, he will be an upstanding member of society... He will have oodles of people who believe his innocence...!!! That is just the nature of the child molester

My own husband knows my father and even though he knows my father is a drug dealer and has been his entire life... Even though my husband is a military man and extremely straight and never done drugs in his entire life, and even though he knows my father has a baby with a woman who is younger than me... My husband still believes there is no way my charming loving caring father could ever have molested me...'yes you read that right... My father is a drug dealer, not a low level drug slinger but a king pin, big time dealer... My father somehow magically maintains that good guy grandpa/loving dad image... When I was younger all my friends mothers would swoon over my father... He has always been quit a ladies man... He is so clean cut and calm he is able to fool border patrol as he rolls across the border with millions of dollars
Worth of drugs in his car and no one suspects... Why? How can he possibly get away with this? Because he is charming... Sooo unbelievably charming...!!!

Child molesters as charming fellows... Who are intelegent and skilled at gaining people's trust...!!!
So I say the more charming the man... The more likely he is an abuser...!!

By the way, your kids have disclosed to you...!!! And when your son said it was a joke... He did that to protect his secret and his father and quite possibly even to protect you... There may never be a time that you get a full disclosure from them... But you can be 100% certain they have been abused by their father...!!!

I don't know if moving out is the safest thing to do... I know it is the most logical but it may not be the best way to protect your children...
Your best bet is that he does turn physically violent on you and you call the police on him immediately... This sounds crazy, I know, but domestic violence is taken way more seriously than sexual abuse... And you would be able to get a no contact order and full custody...

But it doesn't sound as if he is the abusive type...

My only suggestion is just stay where you are and protect the hell out of your children... Never leave them alone with him ever...!!! Journal everything... Every possible weird thing you witness or hear...!!! And slowly set yourself up to be financially independent... Even if that means just getting cash back when you go to the grocery store and stashing money away where he won't find it, since he has all the money... Or maybe getting a babysitting or nanny job where you can bring your kids along or one that the hours are when your kids are in school and just stash money away... Save save save...'just in case shit hits the fan and you find yourself having to be a single parent...!!!

Loving comforting hugs to you...I'm so sorry your husband turned out to be a child molester and your children have been hurt like this...!!!

Alright I've shared my advice as have others so tonight I will leave you with a prayer.

Oh Lord, I pray for my sister here and her sweet angels. Lord I ask for truth and confirmation in this situation with her husband and children so she can make the best decision by her kids and for thier safety. I pray for thier appointment that you would go before them that my sister here would have favor and the children would feel comfortable and bond quickly with the counselor. Lord protect these sweet babies day and night let no harm befall them. Keep a vigalent watch over them and bring healing to them. Be with this sweet mama who is doing such a brave thing for her little birds. Let her know she is not alone and you are with her each step, give her strength to do everything she will need to do and provide and enrich and bless her for you are a generous and trustworthy God. You are our vindicator and recompense. Grant us both a comforting rest tonight. Amen

I'll leave you with the 23rd psalm

The Lord Is My Shepherd

A Psalm of David.

23:1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
3 He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

There was a woman who no longer contributes to this site - probably because abuser caught and arrested and I'm sure she has moved on... But her 12 year old daughter was raped repeatedly by gunpoint by her religious minister neighbor and his son. Upon the parents finding an inappropriate text from that man to their daughter, they were able to get a conviction. The 12 years old daughters response - she cried and cried because she missed him. She was upset at her parents for getting him in trouble.

THIS IS CALLED TRAUMATIC BONDING - read about it (caps not to shout but to clearly point out this term)
- this occurs as a child's / abused persons coping mechanism - to identify with their abuser to maintain escape from punishment and safety
- kids also compartmentalize their abuser - placing the good stuff on one side and bad stuff on the other and holding on to the good stuff
- if clinicians could watch how a child behaves with an abuser and tell they're being abused, then there would be a much higher than 3% conviction rate for pedophiles.

You will never see the evil in your husband until you rattle him up. He's not feeling very tested yet. Once you really call him to question and begin to expose him, then you will see how disturbed and psychopathic he is. But until you challenge him, he will continue with his deceptive great dad appearance.

You're not living with a dumb man. Dumb people are obvious. If you really want to be successfully evil, you blend in with the nice people very well and do your evil behind closed doors.

You need to work on your denial for your children. I too waxed and waned initially. But don't rely on inept "professionals" who think they know something. Do the research - most often "professionals" don't know the real facts on the nature by which children disclose. My daughter has told me she doesn't want to tell anyone her dad talks to. Well that basically means she's afraid to tell every single counselor. My husband never ever hit me. My daughter started running away from her father because he inappropriately restrains her and chokes her. This great dad you think he is (thought mine was gentle too) is someone else when others aren't looking - the rapes prove it.
Look up the scientific research about how often women lie about rape - it's RARE.
Make sure you read scientific research only - meaning this is the difference
150 social workers polled. They think 10 to even 30% sex abuse allegations from mothers are maliciously fabricated
Vs
A pedophile videoed 150 abuse encounters with his victims. We interviewed each child to better understand how children disclose. No child over exaggerated and only 11% reported any abuse details.
The first example is opinion. The second example is scientific. No scientific studies will support a pedophile, but there is a ton of garbage "opinion" "research" out there to attempt to support pedophiles.

Good luck.

It's like having an infection in your home. Everyone is comfy cozy. Life is cushy even for him. But you won't know who he really is until your immune system starts catching on and you start attacking the infection. Then an angry redness starts that comes to a head and pops.
Sounds gross - sorry
But it's not the pretty life you think you have right now.
And the only way to cure the issue is to bring it to a head
And alllll the truth starts coming out once the pressure is on. Your story will stay straight. His wont be able to.

And that's the only way to rid your body, your family of the infection to start healing

You must also understand, my wise friends told me during this phase - your marriage is over. There's no way to return to intimacy. There's no way to go back once you have entertained these thoughts. And a much more wise counselor even told me - when the creepometer goes off - PAY ATTENTION - because it means something as there are plenty of creeps out there and many more who don't even trigger the creeps when they should.

Take comfort in this
No pedophile is without mental illness / weakness.
So taking down a pedophile becomes a battle of mental stability.
It will get super intense. Probably the level of most intense experiences of your entire life.
As long as you enter this mentally strong, in time he will crack.
I said before, it may take wayyyy longer than you care to know, but the truth always seeks the light.
You just have to be able to hold on that long.
He won't be able to.

mobley4100 - Thank you for this reply. I do need to hear over and over again, that abusers don't appear to be monsters and that in fact my children can and will adore him. It's such a hard thing for me to understand, but I do understand how my husband would have made it all very pleasurable and how it might be confusing to my children. :-(

bonnieboo11 - Thank you! The tension and stress is through the roof and is only getting worse. I don't know how much longer I can hang in here. I would move out in a heartbeat if I weren't worried about him having unsupervised visitation.

naive1 - I am certain he won't be violent and no we don't have a gun. He is on his best behavior, so much so that it's making me sick to watch. He is being oh so nice and sweet to our children. More so than usual (I mean he's usually nice - but this is over the top). Meanwhile, I am stressed out and a complete wreck AND am not able to catch a break due to being super diligent with watching my kids every second. I can't go out with a girl friend or alone. Thank you for always responding to my post. :-)

lovesmama - Thank you for sharing this very personal story with me. It does help me understand how this can happen. I do see my daughter being a bit flirty and extra affectionate toward him as opposed to me. It is so creepy to watch now that I know what I know. As I told naïve1 I am certain he will not become violent because he knows he has everything to lose. He wants our children. The journaling is a great idea and I have been doing that to an extent. Didn't start as early as I should have. Thanks for your healing words. I am so sorry that you and your daughter went through this!

heartsadx3 - Thank you for the sweet prayer. <3

96percent - I have seen that evil side of my husband on multiple occasions. When he is blamed for something that he most likely did but didn't want to admit to, or the couple of times I mentioned divorce. EVIL. Up until this point it's always been about other sexual stuff. But that's not the point. And you are correct, he is far from dumb, he's one of the most intelligent men I've ever met. I appreciate the facts and the advice to work on my denial. It's my biggest problem. Although most of the time I'm 99% sure he's guilty, the 1% is what gets me. :-( You are right about the intimacy never being able to return and our marriage being over. I am having a hard time with my thoughts about him. They are hate filled and I know it's not healthy for me. Thanks for always taking the time to reply! :-)

I don't want to instill you with even more fear and stress, but...
Has it yet occurred to you yet that this man isn't who you thought he was and perhaps now anything is game, and the possibilities of who he is and what he is capable of are endless?

Because I have to tell you - I started the same way as you thinking ohhhh if my husband offended, it's not so severe Bc he's gentile - to spiders even n doesn't kill them.

Now I know being outwardly gentile to even bugs is an intentional deception.

Fact is this. My husband who sounds quite like yours - had an MMPI profile of 34/43 - psychopathic deviate. It is the most common profile among offenders - pedophiles and criminals of any background - felons - murders, serial killers, etc.

Reality is - you do not know what your husband is capable of especially once he's under pressure.

In addition to that, research says.... The most dangerous time in a domestic violent relationship is 2 years after divorce.

You haven't seen anything yet to truly estimate his danger.

But also be careful because I believe if you stay and something happens you might have trouble with child protective services for not protecting your children.I am not saying this to add more stress but so you can make a plan.I was a victim of domestic violence for 10 years and I always had a plan( I did not have children with him).I had supplies in the car,I had a place to go, ect. And maybe think about that what he is doing is abuse,you can't leave,technically he is threatening you,not physically but emotionally.That might be enough for a restraining order.

My daughter also loved and still does love her half-brother her molested her for a year. She is 6, almost 7 so the same age as your daughter. I don't remember ever reading what your children disclosed so its hard to guess whether or not it is something that could be confused. Even after my stepson admitted to what he did, he still has many supporters who have essentially turned their back on our family. The fact that you feel like something is wrong makes me feel something is wrong. I say this because when I look back, I see signs that I didn't see before disclosure. Things were happening that I thought were normal, like her shaking her butt, pulling her pants down to expose privates, talking about privates, pressing her legs together when I would wash her in the bath, etc. This is something that uproots your life. There is just no way around it. It sucks. It tears families apart. I hope you find a way to make your situation work that doesn't cause harm for your children. Your story makes me think of one posted by a member here where a daughter who suffered abuse wrote her story and her mother also wrote the story from her view. I think it was Naïve who posted it. If so, I feel like it could be of help here.

96percent - I definitely am beginning to wonder who this man is. He is so outwardly gentle. I used to call him the gentle giant, because he's 6'4'' and not a small man. I know better now. He has another side to him that is not gentle and not nice. How do you get this MMPI done? I would be so interested to see how my husband scores, but know that he would never take such a test unless it was required and I don't see that happening.

bonnieboo11 - he has manipulated (abused?) me emotionally, but it's always been ever so subtle. Lately however, he's getting worse at being subtle because he's angry and I believe scared. Over this past weekend things got very heated as it's quite obvious that I'm protecting the children from him by never leaving them alone with him and letting our daughter sleep in room with myself and youngest son. He was SO nasty to me this weekend. I tried writing all the mean things that came out of his mouth down, but couldn't keep up. :-( Then he wrote me a long e-mail yesterday saying he was so sorry and didn't mean any of it and wanted to make things work. Never happening! I know that staying here is a risk, but I fear leaving before my children (hopefully) make a disclosure to the forensic psychologist they are seeing would be more of a risk. So torn and confused. :-(

rmbadger - I think my story (it's very long) is a few pages back titled "New here - my story" Anyway, in it I wrote down all of the red flags that I didn't even think of being red flags until now. I am beginning to remember other things that my daughter and son did that I didn't give a second thought to that I didn't include. My daughter going through a couple of months of stuttering when her speech was near perfect before when she was around 3. My son having moments when he would stare off in space, literally spacing out, and I would wave my hands in front of him and it wouldn't break his spell. These periods got more frequent and went on longer right before his disclosure. Anyway, these could be related or not?! Thank you for your reply. :-)